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Bestfriend lying about debt... now what...


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A brief lowdown:

 

My best friend and I have known each other since we were in kindergarten and have been living together for six years. We have an apartment together, she always pays her bills on time, so do I, and it's a lot of fun. She and I, we're like are peas and carrots... or so it seemed up until recently. The thing is, my best friend has always had difficult telling the truth. We got in a big argument last year over trust issues (whole other story), but we talked and she agreed to make an effort to stop lying.

 

So... I decide to trust her again and for a while it was great, we're getting along--trusting someone is such a great feeling--and then I accidentally stumble accross a loan statement on her dresser (I was closing a window she accidentally left open). I knew she had some debt from school, but she led me to believe it was 2 grand. Lets just say the total is 10 times that. In hindsight, I wish I never looked. But the stupid paper was lying 'right there'. I mean, I didn't even have to touch it. All I did was lean to close the window, happen to look down, and there is was.

 

I'm left feeling defeated again. After all this time, she is still lying to me. Here's why it's a problem: we are supposed to be planning this crazy vacation next spring. How is this even going to be possible if she's hiding that much debt? At the same time, we're also in the planning stages of finding a new apartment. Is any of this my business? I just feel that she should be honest, since we are living together and buying groceries, etc... I don't want her to one day go broke because she feels compelled to maintain our status of living. If she's having money problems, why can't she just be honest with me? I don't care about the money or how much she's in debt, I just want her to be honest. I'm her best friend. I'm not here to judge or criticize, I just want to help, and if planning this ridiculous trip is too much for now, why can't she say so?

 

What should I do?

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Um...it's student loan debt. Who cares? I have close to 10 times her actual amount of debt in student loans and it doesn't affect my standard of living. There are ways to get payments that are affordable for your income level. As long as she makes her monthly payments on time it's no big deal. Pretty much everyone has student loan debt these days. If you don't you're very lucky.

 

Why should she live a miserable life without fun and vacations just because she went to school to better herself? I understand you are wary because of your past trust issues with her, but I don't think this is something she absolutely has to tell you about because it doesn't affect your life at all. Let it be.

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Agreed it's not your job to have any input into how she decides to make financial decisions unless they are affecting you. That said, I wouldn't take a roommate who has a mountain of debt they lie about for fear that their easily predictable default will get me in trouble.

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Sheesh, I have never shared with nor required my friends to share the amount of debt that exists.

 

If your friend is lying to you, it is because you are asking about something you have no right to know. A friend's salary, amount of debt, who they voted for, what they like in bed...are all things they have a right to keep PRIVATE no matter how much you think you're besties.

 

You do nothing. If the two of you start getting denied on apartment applications, THEN you say- Geez, Kate, this doesn't seem to be working for us. Maybe I should get my own place.

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She is not your spouse, so it is none of your business what debt she has. She can handle her rent and her monthly student loan payment just fine. She can afford a different apartment and her debt. She has given you no reason to believe she cannot handle her monthly finances. Also, you are selfish to worry about the "crazy vacation" that you might not get to go on. If she can't swing it - it is just a freaking trip.

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Sheesh guys, I'm only asking because I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to me. I think she's embarrassed (because she regret going to school) and I don't want her to be. We've always been very supportive to each other. But I don't know, maybe this is the wrong forum to post this question. My friend isn't like "most" young people. She hates debt and is terrified by it--I know she is, cause we've talked about it. She's not the type of person to put a vacation on a credit card and create more debt just to have fun. She's responsible. That being said, I just thought if anyone had an suggestions, I mean, it was an innocent question, but clearly everyone here seems to think I'm being selfish for reasons unknown.

 

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive place to get advice?

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Sheesh guys, I'm only asking because I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to me. I think she's embarrassed (because she regret going to school) and I don't want her to be. We've always been very supportive to each other. But I don't know, maybe this is the wrong forum to post this question. My friend isn't like "most" young people. She hates debt and is terrified by it--I know she is, cause we've talked about it. She's not the type of person to put a vacation on a credit card and create more debt just to have fun. She's responsible. That being said, I just thought if anyone had an suggestions, I mean, it was an innocent question, but clearly everyone here seems to think I'm being selfish for reasons unknown.

 

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive place to get advice?

 

The advice you are getting is blunt and to the point - mind your own business when it comes to your friend's finances. Frankly you are making way too many assumptions about your friend and what she can and cannot afford. Just because she has student loan debt doesn't mean she is living beyond her means. You basically looked at something you really shouldn't have seen in the first place and are now jumping to all kinds of conclusions and assumptions. We are not here for you or against you, you just have multiple people telling you something that you don't want to hear that is unfortunately the hard truth - your friend's finances are absolutely none of your business and that's that. She is an adult and a grown woman, if she doesn't want to do something, she won't. She doesn't even have to tell you why. So long as she is paying her bills, it would be completely out of line for you to even bring anything up with her.

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I agree that her finances are absolutely none of your business unless she's NOT paying her part of your joint bills on time. Maybe she thinks you'd pass judgement on her buying a cup of coffee if you knew. My graduate degree cost $30k and I don't even count it towards my "debt" and it most certainly wouldn't stop me from planning a vacation. Education is a fortune...she said $2 grand? That can be the cost of ONE class.

Regardless, you asked "is this any of my business?" and my opinion is absolutely not.

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Every relationship needs some privacy in it - personal space. Also, if she told you a lower number as far as her debt, that was her way of telling you it was none of your business without saying it.

 

I think you are expecting that you know every little detail about her and that is unrealistic - and just not totally healthy.

 

And she can still be super concerned with debt and have a student loan! In fact, she could have shopped around and got one with the best interest. Would you say she was 'against her nature' because she had a mortgage? Mortgage, student loans are not considered "bad debt" like a run up credit card.

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I guess I'm wondering if I'm the weird one then, because I tell her EVERYTHING. I'm an open book. She says she is too, but clearly she's not. And its not so much the issue, as it is being open. I guess I just have to realize that she's not me, even though we act like twins half the time. I have privacy with other friends, siblings, and parents. I don't tell them everything. But I tell her everything. Even personal stuff. Like when I was diagnosed with a horrible, awful disease.

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Even the closest of friends usually don't talk about exact details of finances including how much you make, credit card debt, loan debt, etc. That's something I'd consider marriage territory vs a friendship. If someone saw my school debt and accused me of "hiding" information from them or not telling them EVERYTHING or questioning our friendship I'd think they'd lost their mind.

It really reflects more on you- what you consider yourself entitled to as a friend -than it does on her.

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Its your choice to tell her everything. Its her choice to lie to you or hide something from you. And though "lying" and "best friends" don't match, she decided that its none of your business how much dept she has.

And as everybody said before - as long as she pays her part of bills - nothing to be worried about.

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I would be REALLY cautious about calling this a "lie"...its more of an omission of private information or an exaggeration at the maximum. Student debt is typically huge...just turn on the news and you'll see college is plain old unaffordable.

I still wonder why this feels like such a big deal...it seems like a creation of drama for no real reason.

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I guess I'm wondering if I'm the weird one then, because I tell her EVERYTHING. I'm an open book. She says she is too, but clearly she's not. And its not so much the issue, as it is being open. I guess I just have to realize that she's not me, even though we act like twins half the time. I have privacy with other friends, siblings, and parents. I don't tell them everything. But I tell her everything. Even personal stuff. Like when I was diagnosed with a horrible, awful disease.

 

You're you. She's her. Neither is wrong.

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Sheesh guys, I'm only asking because I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to me. I think she's embarrassed (because she regret going to school) and I don't want her to be. We've always been very supportive to each other. But I don't know, maybe this is the wrong forum to post this question. My friend isn't like "most" young people. She hates debt and is terrified by it--I know she is, cause we've talked about it. She's not the type of person to put a vacation on a credit card and create more debt just to have fun. She's responsible. That being said, I just thought if anyone had an suggestions, I mean, it was an innocent question, but clearly everyone here seems to think I'm being selfish for reasons unknown.

 

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive place to get advice?

 

I feel that you are back-tracking here because you didn't get the advice you wanted. If what you feared was that your friend had some kind of phobia regarding debt and that what you really wanted was to let her know she could open up to you...why didn't you say that? Instead, your major point seemed to be that you think she's been untrustworthy and you feel she should be disclosing her debt to you because you will be sharing a grocery bill.

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