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I'd Like to Get Off This Ride Please! : My NC Journey


Achingheart

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So I decided it would be a good idea to start a journal of this journey I have decided to undertake, as a way to look back at my progress when it finally happens.

 

He dumped me nearly 3 months ago now. It seems so much shorter, partly because I was moping for the first month of that, and partly because I was so busy organizing moving out and finding work.

 

I am on Day 4 of NC. I don't know yet whether I am hoping more to get over him or have him come crawling back. I want to make him at least see the consequences of his decision. I have been stupidly answering his phone calls and staying in touch when he initiates it, and he is still dating his rebound and says he doesn't think he will change his mind about us. So that is that now.

 

My thoughts today have been revolving around them. Is he calling her while he is away? When will he call me? It is stupid and destructive so I am taking my mind off it by watching sex and the city. The crazy dating situations in that show make me laugh, mostly because I have feel I have encountered most of them. Will I look back at all this one day and smile? My only regret would be to look back and realize I wasted time on him. I felt that about my earlier exes when I met my ex. Why did I waste my early 20s with so many losers? What was I thinking? Is that how I will think of him one day?

 

Mood today: mentally exhausted

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Wow was today all over the place! Emotions-wise that is.

 

If you think of the 5 stages of grief, I'm pretty sure I went through them all.

 

The morning was full of the what if's - what if when he said he was unsure of our future months ago, I had have walked away then? What if when he broke up with me I hadn't begged but walked away with my pride? Would he have chased me down and changed his mind? Well I decided he did change his mind those first two times, and it didn't last, so even if I had have done this disappearing act when he broke up with me the final time, his new found desire to make us work would not have lasted.

 

After that I started playing these scenarios over and over again in my head. Thinking of what I would say if he showed up and said he changed his mind, thinking what his comeback speech would have to include or not. Then I realized how stupid this is. Do you sit there imagining and preparing for if you lost your leg tomorrow? If you became blind? If someone close died? Well admittedly I do think of some crazy scenarios like that when I am bored on the bus lol, but you don't let them continue running circles in your mind like these what I am now calling my 'breakup fantasies'.

 

So after the daydreaming I started to become consumed by anger. I was thinking back to some things he had told me, such as before I moved here when he said he would never leave me, talk about anything in his future with me included, and told me he would never try again if our relationship failed (hmmm maybe something was lost in translation there do you think he meant he would never try until 3 weeks?!). The second section of infuriating thoughts consisted of the s@@@ he told me in the break up, all the supposed things I had done wrong. Funny thing is, they were all things where I felt he had done wrong! Apparently the worst thing I ever did was the night before my birthday. He said he wanted to go to a party, I said I would prefer he not be hungover the next day as I had no friends in this country and did not want to be alone. He seemed to think it wasn't important if I was alone in the morning. I got upset and he did not go to the party. So that was the worst thing I did - he missed ONE party out of the millions he goes to because I 'selfishly' didn't want to be left alone on my birthday. All my fault, apparently that made me a controlling girlfriend.

 

So this anger then lead me into depression. I was thinking back to how I felt on my birthday morning. I stormed out of the house, he did not even say happy birthday. When I returned there were flowers and gifts but it was too late, I was seething in a festering pool of my anger. I really need to learn to let things go sometimes. But I just look back to that day and feel so sad. Maybe because that was the first time in a year where I felt like he did not care about me, where I saw another side to him.

 

After this I had a little epiphany moment of acceptance where I convinced myself my ex was a (insert bad word here). Then I went right back into self pity and depression.

 

Then I started to think about Christmas, and how I will be all alone. He offered for me to come along with him, but I think that would make me more depressed, partly because I am not a part of that family anymore, and partly because I would not be able to stop thinking about him f@@@ing his new girlfriend the next day, or next week or whatever.

 

Yep, it will be a lonely Christmas.

 

I jumped the gun yesterday, it is actually day 4 of NC now *sigh*

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Day 6 of NC today! Almost a week! I am feeling so good about myself it is amazing!!

 

I have been working, knitting, watching movies, and cleaning the apartment. My life is feeling more in order and it feels nice to not have to think about another person. It's all about ME ME ME! Lol it is ok to be a bit selfish sometimes I guess.

 

I posted a thread about this in the getting back together forum, but I think I may have a stalker on my hands. At the encouragement of many-a-breakup-sites, I decided to start dating. I met a bartender who was 38 and just out of a relationship himself (he was the dumper). The 13 year age gap worried me but he was cute and hey if it is nothing serious, can't hurt right?

 

I was instantly attracted to him and our first lunch date was amazing. He was interesting, charismatic, seemed to know a lot of people in the town, and reminded me of an old world gentleman. Maybe things were looking up for me!

 

Then I started to notice some things that bothered me. He made some strange remarks, such as 'yum I still have your taste in my mouth' hours after a kiss, and he kept, ah, smelling me. He maintained eye contact for way too long, to the point I felt he was just staring at me and not listening to a word I said, and it felt kinda creepy. I told him I didn't want something serious when he kept putting me into plans for the future "we can open a restaurant and you can cook!", disregarding my dreams for further university study and telling me I needed to stay in this town with him forever. Whooooaa boy!

 

After telling him my desire to not jump into another relationship, he kicked the creepiness up a notch! He started muttering things under his breath so I could not hear, or would just say my name, then sit and stare at me while I said 'what?' until I finally got "just love your confused reaction". Aaaarrrggghhh! Was he that irritating or did I just have PMS?

 

Well when the provoking moved to txt message form, I decided he had to go. I told him after our next date I was not interested in getting into another relationship, he was a nice guy but obviously after something more serious than me. The man tried to kiss me, "why don't you feel anything for me?" He started harassing me through facebook, "your decision is stupid and wrong", "what we had was special, I want to continue to see you and follow your first feelings". He started to send my txts back to me, saying I had made him a promise and broken his trust. Apparently when I told him I did not want him sleeping over my place until he moved out of his ex girlfriend's place out of respect for her feelings, that was a promise of sleeping with him which I have now broken. Then he dumped me off facebook.

 

I thought he had given up through my ignoring until this morning I awoke to a message "maybe you are just like your ex boyfriend, making up stories and then abandoning people" Ouch! That one was below the belt. Strange also as I had not bashed my ex to him like that, just told him I was hurt that my ex had asked me to move here for him then lost his love, so I had a hard time trusting men.

 

This stalker is so deluded, he seems to think we had some imaginary relationship. It is always a red flag for me when men want to move that quickly. I hope he doesn't show up on my doorstep, banging on my door drunk at 3am.

 

This is why I do not date! I will schedule emergency removal of the freak magnet from my forehead before I resume dating I think!

 

I am going back to the young, sweet, adorably cute FWB I met here. We met a week after my ex moved onto another girl. I think I slept with him out of revenge, but from a girl who usually waits weeks before sleeping with a man, I did not feel bad about myself about this at all, I enjoy his company and we just watch movies and lie in bed. It is so nice and uncomplicated. Our txt messages fizzled after a week, he was not interested in a relationship either. But the flirtations have started back up and so I have been waxing, moisturising, painting, and scrubbing up a storm before our meeting this weekend.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 17 of NC. I have to admit I am surprised that my ex hasn't contacted me, and a part of me is a little hurt.

 

Scrap that, a huge part of me is extremely hurt and the other part is livid. I am so angry that he asked me to come spend a year with him. He has now spent the same amount of time with the new girl as he spent with me here.

 

I want to scream at him, punch him... I want him to feel the same as I do. It is not fair. Where is karma? He broke my heart, shat all over my life, and HE is the one who meets someone? At least someone who he can spend 3 months with? Either he doesn't care who he spend his time with out of desperation, or he is the luckiest person I know.

 

I just want to hear him groveling about how he made a mistake. I want him to feel like an arse. I don't understand how he cannot feel badly. He asked me here and then went to her! I travelled 25 hours on a plane to get here, I uprooted my life, left my friends and family. I had to learn a n language, find a job, find new friends. And he just cruises through. "oh this relationship isn't working for me anymore" "oh I met someone new".

 

All I can think about is him shopping for presents for her. Things that should have been mine. Scoffing down on a beautiful Christmas lunch and smiling like the cat that got the cream while I am the pathetic loser alone in a studio apartment Christmas day.

 

How can he look at her and not feel guilty? How can he see her as better than me? How can he not be thinking about me after all the times we shared together?

 

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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