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2 months since last cried


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Well I can officially say I've now cried for the first time since the 6 month mark (I'm 8 months in). I was in the process of writing an "angry" email to a client of mine to put them in their place for being unprofessional and ran into the email I sent her at the 1 month mark (I didn't even read it, luckily I work from home and alone so no one saw me)...

 

I've kept it around as a reminder of me having said what I had to (me recognizing my own contribution to the breakup, and accepting she broke up with me) so I could stick to my NC without reaching out, and this time it really drowned me just seeing her name in the "Sent To" field and remembering the contents of the email.

 

I was remembering the email and the aftermath... she had told me she wanted to see me after reading it, it didn't happen because we got sort of mad at each other. I had tried to schedule a day, it didn't work for her, I told her "have a good one" in a condescending tone, she rightfully got mad and we haven't spoken since. I was an emotional mess but I didn't let her see any of it other than that, this was the worst thing that happened verbally before, during, and after the relationship... It's not so bad....

 

But what if I had played it cool? What if we had met up? Would things have been different? Would I now have been with her? It probably matters naught...

 

Here I am, living what many would consider a great life: traveling, working out, working, spending time with friends, improving myself in many aspects, reaching the goals I've wanted, progressing to become the idealized version of the man I want to be, yet I've finally managed to collapse again.

 

I want to be able to live life fully again, and not just be "normal" or "okay". My 70% or 80% (these are just arbitrary percentages I assign that often fluctuate above the 60%) that I give to the world is plenty to attract others into my life, to have people follow me, to entertain others, but I want to be able to give my 100%. I see those around me turn extremely red, laugh till they cry, they smile when they're with me as if each day is better than the previous when they're with me.... yet I don't get to feel like that, I don't want to think about her anymore, the fantasies, the thoughts, it's all just so tiring. I've been sick of it for months now.

 

A girl came up to me today who I find attractive and she asked for my number at the bus stop, she always complained about how I couldn't help her with her classes because it's British English and I speak American English and she used "helping her out" today as an excuse, then followed up with "I've just been scared to ask for your number but I've wanted it for a while"... but she's not my ex, I'm sure she's just as great a person though, just like many others that have crossed my path. I know I'm not ready for anything serious and I'm just living the single life and always making my intentions clear.

 

I always think about that quote "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."... I know how I made my ex feel when we were together, she was on cloud 9, she was proud to call me her boyfriend, she was head over heels (this isn't projection, it was fact). On my birthday not only did she buy me a flight + hotel to Rome without me knowing she even organized a surprise party for me. The problems though were the nights we spent apart or with other friends... she couldn't understand that I was and am a man of my word, that I mean what I say, how could she forget the nights she suffered so much?

 

I told her I'd never cheat and I never did. I know that being in a relationship is a choice after a certain amount of time, and I chose her! I'd never throw something so precious away over a temptation of one night. I never met a girl one on one if it could be avoided I always made sure she could come with me, there were 2 exceptions maybe during the whole relationship. I've been given chances to cheat, women showing me their breasts in public, a friend from the US visiting me (who had a crush on me in the past, I introduced them and we spent plenty of time together the 3 of us) and sleeping in the same hotel room as me because my ex didn't want to come (it was cheaper, I even texted my ex the whole night so she could feel at ease, I didn't sleep).

 

She wouldn't believe me... she looked through my phone possibly more than once while I showered and never found anything... she told me about it only once, but she didn't trust me. She never suffered this before, she couldn't comprehend why she was so jealous, she wasn't a jealous person with her previous relationships, even after that incident I didn't put a pin on it or any protection because I didn't care if she looked I had nothing to hide... she couldn't believe it.

 

When we first arrived in Rome she got jealous because a random girl on the street started hitting on me and I responded nicely and told her I had to go... my ex told me that I should just take the girl to the hotel instead of her. She would always beg me not to cheat on her, or that if I ever was about to, to call her breakup and then do it. She was scared that when I started University again I'd leave her for someone younger (I am 22 she's 27).

 

I can't believe I could make someone go through so much pain, it's honestly unbelievable, my mind can't grasp any of it.... how is it I can be the source of such grief? Is this karma? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? If people don't forget how you made them feel, how do I forgive myself for how I made her feel when we were apart, the misery? Won't I hurt another person just the same?

 

This is a rant more than anything else, just writing it out is helping me cry more and I guess that's a good thing, rather than just stopping and ignoring. It should help me get more of what's bottled inside out.

 

Thanks for reading.

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Wow......

 

Break ups are NEVER easy. We're left for broken... for a long time. Especially when they meant so much to us I understand. And I feel for you. Very hard to cope & let go, isn't it?

 

I'm sure you did what you could... but SHE couldn't get 'over' her ability to 'trust'? Sadly, some can't. It overcomes them and they can't get out of that rutt. I've been there, especially in the last 5-10 yrs.

 

Every now and then we will get these sour reminders and it does hurt. It strikes another heartstring and brings on a few more memories of them. Can take quite a while to recover.

 

You're doing okay. You're working on it and that's all we can do.

 

take care

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Wow......

 

Break ups are NEVER easy. We're left for broken... for a long time. Especially when they meant so much to us I understand. And I feel for you. Very hard to cope & let go, isn't it?

 

I'm sure you did what you could... but SHE couldn't get 'over' her ability to 'trust'? Sadly, some can't. It overcomes them and they can't get out of that rutt. I've been there, especially in the last 5-10 yrs.

 

Every now and then we will get these sour reminders and it does hurt. It strikes another heartstring and brings on a few more memories of them. Can take quite a while to recover.

 

You're doing okay. You're working on it and that's all we can do.

 

take care

 

First of all thanks for reading let alone for replying, I really wasn't expecting one as I understand this is a huge wall of text. Writing this out has definitely helped me get some things out of my system.

 

Definitely left for broken, I really don't understand why people can't trust the reliable person, but they somehow manage to trust unreliable people. It reminds me of Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean when he says "Me I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly it's the honest ones you have to watch out for, you never can predict if they're going to do something incredibly stupid."

 

I know she ha(s/d) abandonment issues her mom committed suicide when she was young and never got professional help for it, so I assume that didn't help any. Other previous boyfriends of hers were controlling and abandoned all their friends, never wanted to go out, didn't want her to go out, etc and they lasted longer than I did with her... I'm guessing because if they didn't go out that means they couldn't abandon her... yet i loved in such a way that i'd let her free, i'd let her go out, i'd let other guys hit on her and look at her, i took it as a compliment, i trusted her to reject them, i wouldn't have to, she chose to be with me, just like i chose her. Her friends' boyfriends questioned her about how I could let her go out and party alone without me being present... but I believe it was interpreted as a "you don't care", I found that ludicrous I simply trusted... it's as if any action you take it's a double edged sword, it can be perceived as good or bad, completely misinterpreted.

 

I'm not looking for answers, or to justify anything, I just want to be, the sour reminders are awful. Time is definitely helping in that regard and I am going to continue working on myself. I'm soon going to reach 2 of my most significant goals yet and then I will start 2 other ones that I'm pretty passionate for and have a great desire to learn but I'm horrible at (cooking and dancing they say it takes 10,000 hours to get really good at something, so it's about time i start).

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