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Not falling into the Friend Zone


mmaturen

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This is going to be a somewhat long post so I apologize in advance, just to give a overview of my current relationship situation firsts: I’m 35 years old, divorced (its been almost 2 years and a half), and I have been dating for almost a 2 years now.

I had 3 relationship that ran its course in this past year and a half, but coming on six months I don’t seem to be able to come through to the girls I have been dating, they seem to, after 3 dates want to “just be friends “and they really meaning it not like just to get rid of me(I am a cool guy to hang out with)… but I must say it’s kind of tiresome cause I’m really looking for a relationship.

I don’t think I’m doing anything different than in previous attempts at dating but I’m not sure.

It may be I’m miss read the sings of the girl actually liking me or just, I have been having a stint of bad luck.

Anyhow, I would gladly appreciate any advice you have on how not to fall on the friend zone, I started going out with this girl last week (so far just one date) and I would reallye like it to work. I tried in the past being really forward like “ I like you and I don’t want to waste neither your time or mine so if you’re not looking for a relationship let me know” its sounds harsh I know but that’s the essence of it I invest a lot of time and energy on my friends and I don’t have room for more right now.

I’ll love to receive any advice or opinions.

Thanks in advance.

Mike.

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Hi! Thanks for the quick reply; i did spent some time alone but I always recover fast from breakups. My marriage lasted a year and a half. we decided that we got married for the wrong reasons, and after talking about it for long thought it better to split before really hurting each other. It was a very friendly split and she actually re married a couple of months ago.

So I’m not in mourning over the marriage or anything.

 

Thanks again for the reply

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if your potential lover is playing hard to get you just might need to step your game up to get to the next level.

 

Try to romance her with out being pushy. dont write songs force her on dates with you or nothing. just give hr time to talk arround you and you can listen or pretend to listen.

that always helps!

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I think you need to relax and focus on new dates. Personally, if I friend zone a guy, it's not because of something he did or didn't do, it's because there is zero sexual attraction on my part. Sexual attraction is not something you can create. It's either there or not. It's something I figure out within the first few seconds of seeing/meeting a guy. The attraction can be killed off quite fast if the guy turns out to be a jerk, but it can't be created just because he is nice. Of course, I wouldn't want to be friends with a guy I think is a jerk. So doubt, that's your problem. It's really not that easy to find a person where the attraction in every respect is mutual. I wouldn't focus so much on turning each date into something more and thinking there is something wrong with you if you don't. In your shoes, you might want to focus on quality and let dates that aren't quite all that go on their merry way.

 

Quality meaning true mutual attraction and interest.

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Well, there is a lot of rejection in dating. As in, people go on a few dates and just don't feel it, and if they don't after 3 or 4 dates, you get the 'let's be friends' speech.

 

So the first thing is don't try to stay friends with them! If your goal is a GF, and someone gives you a 'let's be friends' speech, just say, thank you very much, but no thanks and cut them off and keep dating. Dating is a numbers game, and you will eventually click with someone, and the more people you meet and date, the greater your chances are of finding someone.

 

So don't take it as a loss or a bad thing if you get the 'let's be friends' speech. Just recognize that that means it is time to just move on and keep dating others and don't waste any time with someone who isn't interested in you (including trying to be 'friends' with women who rejected you). Just say NEXT! and move on.

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Why would you be a jerk? Your purpose in dating is to find a partner, and if someone says they are not interested in that, there is nothing that says you need to accept being 'downgraded' and agree to be friends. It's like applying for a job, and if they don't offer the job or offer you a job that is a lesser job than you want, you have no reason to keep hanging around and need to move on and keep looking.

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If you are only interested in dating, not marriage, you may be looking in the wrong age bracket. A lot of girls in the early to mid 30's are pretty marriage minded, and may "throw you back." Don't take it personally. Your future goals just don't match. Try dating 26 and under - they want a relationship, but moving to move much slower if their partner isn't marriage-minded at the moment.

 

And remember, they take a chance on you. You take a chance on them. Sorry - lean it - it gets you further than being stingy in the love department. Also, it's a numbers game. And with the whole break-up, got married for the wrong reasons, but didn't fight to save it - TBH - Red flag...usually a tell for people who are passive, hard to communicate, and not willing to do the work it takes for a relationship.

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Please do not despair or give up, this is the nature of dating. It is a hard and grueling process but eventually you will find the right fit. Keep going out and don’t think too much about it, if they say they just want to be friends you need to quickly move on which is only going to bring you closer to the right one. It doesn’t seem like you are doing anything wrong as you mentioned that “you are a cool guy these women want to stay friends.” My dating advice to you is check in with yourself and make sure you aren’t moving to fast, and that you learned as much as you could about what you are looking for in a woman and mistakes from your marriage. You should also take it slow and get to know the woman before you decide you want to date her exclusively. It only takes one person, patience and resilience during this process…

Finding the right one is not easy but when it hits-it’s amazing.

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Well I have done it, pull the plug on a relationship that was just going to turn into friendship and the girl would get piss at me, I tough being honest was a good thing jejeje.

Well thanks for the advice, I do believe the best is to let it flow but be honest about what you’re looking to get from the relationship.

 

Thanks again.

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Tatoob said what I was thinking. Women your age are usually marriage minded so I can see them losing interest in you. Be honest about not particularly wanting marriage again anytime soon. You may want to date younger or someone your age also divorced for a while.

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OP, I think you're doing everything right. All you can do is be the best person you can be, show the girl a respectful good time and cross your fingers. From there, it's in the woman's court to decide if she's attracted or not, and you can't really control that.

 

I agree with the other posters that you should feel no guilt in cutting a girl loose if she just wants to be friends. That's just part of the dating process and everyone does it.

 

As for what age group you should date, who knows. Everyone's different. I've gone out with 20-somethings who wanted to have a marriage & kids right away... or so they claimed. And I've dated 30- and 40-somethings who clearly would never get married.

 

Just hang in there. As others have said, it's a numbers game and it actually is rare to click 100% with someone. Your situation isn't all that unusual, so keep on keeping on brother.

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