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Girlfriend wants to spend too much time with me..


baseballplaya9

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So my girlfriend always wants to be with me. It used to be real bad, but I kept complaining so it got somewhat better.. But still is pretty bad. We are both in college. I am a Senior while she is a Junior and we have been dating a little longer than a year. The problem is that Im the type of person that likes time to myself and she is not. I understand that boyfriend and girlfriends are supposed to spend time with each other.. But since this is my first serious relationship I am having a hard time gauging what a fair amount is.

 

She sleeps over at my apartment literally every single night. She goes to her dorm every once in a while to pick up something but is never there for long. It is as if she lives at my apartment. The only time I get to myself is if she has some sort of sorority meeting or has to work. In the spans where she isnt working much or meetings are more spread out she is literally under me at all times of the day. She even wants to shower with me. Some people might like this but it about to make me go crazy. She thinks that just because the "lets" me go play basketball for a few hours a day that I should be satisfied. Heaven forbid if I just asked for a day to myself without having an activity planned (ie basketball or working out). When I am playing basketball, things are good as long as shes busy. If she doenst have anything planned then my time playing gets cut way short. For a while she even insisted on coming when I go to the gym to workout (that didnt last long since she got bored).

 

The way I perceive a normal relationship is one where the girlfriend doesnt necessarily have to stay over every night. I wish that her or myself didnt necessarily have to have something planned for us to not be around each other. I would also believe that its okay for a girlfriend to not see her boyfriend all day long once or twice a week. I certainly shouldn't have to have an excuse to be by myself. I should be able to just chill one night watching t.v and hanging alone. Every time I try to talk to her about this she tries to justify things by saying how she lets me go workout and play basketball but it is just not enough. Are my expectations of a relationship normal? Is she really clingly? Or do I need to just suck it up since this is what I signed up for being in a 1 year relationship? Please help, Im about to go crazy.

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She obviously has different expectations than you in this relationship. I do believe that her idea of seeing you constantly is overkill, but you need to state this to her. Maybe she just doesn't realize how overbearing she is being. It is only going to get worse from here unless you talk it out.

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First of all, everyone is different, we all have different expectations of how much time is sufficient in a relationship. so your expectations are completely normal for you.

 

Second, I felt suffocated just reading this!! I like some alone time too and that would drive me absolutely nuts! Even when I was married we weren't constantly together. She sounds clingy to me.

 

No I don't think you need to just suck it up. I'd personally end up resenting this person because it's just way too much time! The first thing I'd do is figure out what YOUR ideal is for time together and see if there's a reasonable compromise between the two. I think it's important that you communicate w/ her about this. Hopefully she's mature enough to understand that some people really do need alone time and it's not a reflection on the other person or relationship.

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This sounds like clingy behavior BUT you do need to communicate this to her. I was in a 2 year relationship where I was 18-19 years old and was like your girlfriend in many ways. It was a dependency thing honestly. He didn't really communicate how this was a problem until AFTER we broke up. Anyway after knowing it was an issue, I turned that around and now am the one who gets annoyed spending too much time with a significant other. But for me at least this could have been corrected if my boyfriend at the time had communicated it to me, since I was under the impression we were both content with it. You can't expect her to mind read, especially if she's the one who is happy with the situation.

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I do not know if there is really a definition for normal regarding time spent together. But, I do believe that one or two 24-hour periods of separation a week is completely acceptable.

 

She may just have some attachment issues to get over. I would look for a cause for her constant need to be around you. Her reasons for wanting to be around you all of the time could be caused by a variety of factors. If you can determine the actual reason for her constant need to be around you, maybe you can come to a decision on how to act.

 

Hopefully, those issues are not too hard to fix. Otherwise, the relationship between you two could suffer greatly.

 

If she is capable of discussing how she feels, that could be a great way of discovering the cause for her need to be around you.

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when i was in college, my lease agreement actually said that i couldn't have a visitor over more than 7 days every month (as in 7 24-hour stays). I'm not a lawyer, but I remember reading something that basically said that the police would need a search warrant for your apartment if they had suspicion she was doing something wrong, because your place is basically her "primary residence." not that she is about to be arrested or whatever - but if she sleeps over every day, she's basically living with you.

 

How long have you been together? I feel suffocated and I don't even know her! I would definitely talk to her. I think it's obviously normal for a married couple to live together, but you guys aren't married - you're in college. I would tell her that you need a few days a week to yourself. I also wonder what the "visitor policy" is in your lease.

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That made me feel anxious just reading that. I value my alone time and even when my boyfriend and I went to the same school and lived a 5 min walk from each other, we still only had sleepovers 1-3 nights/week max. I could not stand being with my SO 24/7. She does sound clingy but this may be what is normal for her in a relationship. You need to tell her how you feel otherwise it's just going to build up and drive you crazy.

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Wow - I'm married and I'd think I had a problem if I spent this much time clinging to my husband.

 

And because we share household responsibilities, there's more "natural" time together when we're not working.

 

Is there maybe a counselor on campus you could get some suggestions from to work with you guys? Her centering her existence around you isn't healthy. A common misconception for some people seems to be when you find your "soulmate" you want to be "part of one whole." That's just not the case. A healthy relationship preserves and even cherishes the differences between two people, so that they both grow and evolve seeing things and perspectives they might not on their own.

 

I would sit her down and talk to her. Suggest she get involved in some more activities that give her a separate identity from "youandher." And see if she would be willing to at least speak to a counselor to get some perspective and work on getting a healthier view of what a strong relationship should offer.

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You're right... a 'normal' relationship. sounds like there's a few issues here.

It is NOT good that she's over there practicly every night.. and she only 'allows' you to be out at a cpl things, alone.

 

It is normal for each to have their 'own' down time -apart-... and to continue with their own lives with friends,family etc.

 

You should be able to go out... go see friends.. do your sports.. your other interest etc without her always around. In fact it is HIGHLY suggested that you do so. It is 'healthy' to continue as you are and have your own time even if involved.

Do not give way and lose your friends due to a partner.

 

Like others have said.. I suggest you sit her down & have a heart to heart talk about this. She NEEDS to be informed of her 'clingliness' and that you BOTH need your own time apart sometimes.

And she does not need to be there almost every night. How about arranging a few nights a week- in agreement?

 

Good luck

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Not sure if it's about normal vs. abnormal. I've had friends who did basically the same thing in terms of sleeping over every night at their significant other's home after dating for a while. I think it works for some and not for others. I have not been dating my guy long enough to even approach being comfortable with such a thing and I also suspect that even if I date someone for over a year, I won't be sleeping over every night. Wouldn't work for me. I like alone time. I love doing things on my own and sometimes I just want time to reflect and do things I enjoy by myself. So I wouldn't worry about normal or abnormal. I think the issue is compatibility. Let her know that it's a serious issue for you and hopefully she will back off and give you both some space to miss each other.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for all the tips guys. She has just been in a lot more relationships then myself so its just hard for me to gauge whats normal really. Very good input by everyone though.. The thing is, every time I try to talk to her about it it makes her feel bad about herself.. she tells me that I obviously dont care about her as much as she cares about me makes me feel all guilty. Then if she does happen to stay the night in her own dorm for once she text me all night telling me how she is literally doing nothing and is bored. It just makes me feel bad, even though I really enjoy that alone time. Its just a tough position to be in for someone as inexperienced as myself.. dont know what to do.

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