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Am I selfish for not having sex, even when I'm sick?


Anara

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My boyfriend wants sex AT LEAST once a day, usually more. I am a very sexual person myself, usually, and am perfectly fine with this, but since I've been with this guy I've been having lots of problems "down there"; urinary tract infections and yeast infections, which I think MIGHT be from having sex so much and not giving my body enough time in between to rest.

 

This causes a HUGE problem in our relationship, not because I'm getting sick all the time, but because even when I am sick my boyfriend still demands sex. If I tell him no he gets mad and goes off on an angry rant about how "selfish" I am for turning him down. He says that if I can't have vaginal sex with him I should at least give him oral, anal sex or a handjob, because that's what a girl who loves a guy would do to make her man happy, and that's what he would do for me if roles were reversed. A nasty argument ALWAYS ensues, focused around how "self centered" I am. So I would just give in to keep the peace, I would have sex with him just to prevent being shamed by him and called selfish.

 

The sex feels comparable to date rape when it happens, I am FORCED TO AGREE TO HAVE SEX, just to prevent arguments. If I dare decline him there is hell to pay. I went along with this for a long time. As more and more time passed I felt more and more violated, angry, used and abused. I started resenting him a lot, I was tired of the pressure and guilt tripping. I tried to explain my feelings so many times, but he just does not agree with my side of this and maintains that he is right and I am wrong and "selfish" if I turn him down because I'm not in a sexual mood or can't have vaginal sex.

 

I got really mad one day, about a week ago, and decided that I wouldn't put up with it anymore. I yelled and screamed and threw a fit until I felt like he got it through his thick skull, that emotionally blackmailing me for sex is WRONG. He says he would stop doing it.

 

But today the monster has reared its ugly head once again. We got into an argument over sex. He accused me of intentionally playing games with him and teasing him last night and this morning because last night he suggested we do something sexual later on and I said "yeah, maybe", but when the time came I just was not in the mood, and this morning he woke me up rubbing all over me like he wanted to do something. I said I needed coffee, mostly just so I could remove myself from the situation because I was WAY TOO TIRED to enjoy, let alone tolerate his heavy petting. I really didn't want to have sex because I'm about to start my period and I'm having light cramps. If I have sex it'll make me start cramping and bleeding really badly. Now he claims I said "I need some coffee first", implying that I would have sex with him after I had coffee. But I don't want to have sex and never did, and now he's very angry at me. I wasn't intentionally playing games with him, but now he's calling me a liar. He told me again that not sexually pleasing him is "selfish" on my part, and that I should at least do something like oral/anal/hand to sexually satisfy him because he's horny and needs it... But I am just not even in the mood to do that, mostly because I feel like he pressured me about it too much. I broke down and cried in front of him twice this morning while we were arguing, but he doesn't seem to care that this is hurting me.

 

I am so frustrated and I don't know what to do. Should I leave him? Should I comply? Am I in the wrong here? Is it wrong for me to not sexually please him whenever he wants it? Am I a bad girlfriend? Am I selfish for not giving him oral/anal sex when I have a yeast infection or UTI? I feel like he has no compassion for my situation and only thinks about himself, and he claims that it's the opposite, and that if I cared about him at all I'd do whatever I could to sexually satisfy him because he's such a "giver" that he'd do it for me if roles were reversed. Please help me.

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You have to know that you're not wrong - Don't you? You are not obligated to give him handies, blowjobs or anything else when your vagina is "out of order" - OR, you just plain do not want to have sex, period.

 

I am FORCED TO AGREE TO HAVE SEX, just to prevent arguments. If I dare decline him there is hell to pay

 

No, you're not. You can get rid of his entitled, self-serving self. You are not obligated. By any means. "Hell to pay" for declining sex is, plain and simple, abuse.

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WOAH. I stopped reading by the second paragraph. No... just no!

 

Buy a strap on and demand that selfish little takes it daily! ... okay, no... that's childish, but seriously! You're not a bad girlfriend for saying no when you're unwell. I feel like a hypocrite for telling you this isn't the guy for you but this really is not the guy for you!

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Yuk. That sounds horrible. You don't have to be always available for whenever *he* wants sex. If you don't feel like it at that time, or feel sick, or whatever, its fine to say "no" and your "no" should be respected.

 

If his attitude to sex won't change (and grow up), please get yourself out of that situation. Take care.

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I've tried so hard to just understand his perspective on this, he genuinely thinks I am self centered for not having an unyielding desire to please him, and he claims that if his penis didn't function he would do anything he could to please me because he's such a giver and that he expects me to be the same. He also says it is "normal" for a guy to do this, but I have had plenty of relationships and never experienced anything like this. I do know that most women have lower sex drives than men, and that yeah a lot of guys pressure for sex, but I feel like this is more than just normal pressure, it's guilt tripping and manipulation.

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He is not a giver. A giver doesn't demand someone to have sex when they're unwell, doesn't demand sex period. He is selfish and a taker - He just spins the words for you to make you think he's awesome.

 

No, it's not normal for a guy or anyone to do that. There is nothing to understand about his perspective, hun. You are not mislead, you are not wrong, you are not 'missing something'.

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Wow.....he is abusing you and that's all that can be said about that. Yes you should dump him immediately. No you are not a bad girlfriend but you are really naive if you are buying into his bs. No normal man would ever treat a woman like that and no woman should ever tolerate that. It's truly shocking to read. Please get out of this situation and going forward understand that no man is owed sex, especially not when you are ill, not feeling well for any reason or just flat out not in the mood. There is a huge difference between a partner trying to turn you on if you are not in the mood versus demanding that you satisfy him like you are his sex slave and a worthless peace of meat that he can stick wherever and however he wants. The way he is treating you is just disgusting.

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...he genuinely thinks I am self centered for not having an unyielding desire to please him, ... he's such a giver and that he expects me to be the same.

 

Classic diversion tactic there. I wish I could remember what it was called in psychology terms.... but sometimes folks who are being unreasonable can accuse other people of being unreasonable, as a passive-aggressive kind of tactic.

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I've tried so hard to just understand his perspective on this, he genuinely thinks I am self centered for not having an unyielding desire to please him, and he claims that if his penis didn't function he would do anything he could to please me because he's such a giver and that he expects me to be the same. He also says it is "normal" for a guy to do this, but I have had plenty of relationships and never experienced anything like this. I do know that most women have lower sex drives than men, and that yeah a lot of guys pressure for sex, but I feel like this is more than just normal pressure, it's guilt tripping and manipulation.

 

No he doesn't genuinely think that. He is manipulating you and quite successfully so because you are losing grip on what is and isn't acceptable.

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Oh my gosh I couldn't even read your whole post girlie

 

Do NOT TAKE THAT BEHAVIOUR FROM ANYONE! I feel that this beahvior is a precursor for more abuse in the future. I really hope you take everyone's advice and leave him. Find yourself a man who wants to please you just as much as you want to please him. It has to be mutual and find someone that won't get upset and with your declining to have sex. It's YOUR body, you have to take care of it.

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Classic diversion tactic there. I wish I could remember what it was called in psychology terms.... but sometimes folks who are being unreasonable can accuse other people of being unreasonable, as a passive-aggressive kind of tactic.

 

 

 

Projecting?

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There are 2 common things some people will say to a woman in order to manipulate her or make her question herself:

 

1. Telling her she is fat.

2. Telling her she is selfish.

 

It is not selfish to take care of yourself. True selfishness is acting in a way that says, "I want what I want and to hell with what anyone else wants or needs, so long as I get what I want."

 

So, who is *really* acting like that?

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When you get to the point that you're trying to understand the point of view of someone you know is manipulative, coercive, and guilt-trips you into feeling that perhaps the problem is yours, when you know in your heart it's not -- it's time to start looking very deeply into your psychological health and self-esteem.

 

No one with healthy self-respect or self-esteem negotiates with someone like this. Nevermind your genital health -- you need to look into why you are willing to put up with this. What is it you feel a kinder, more considerate, caring man would reject about you that you have to settle and stick around for this maltreatment?

 

There are deeper layers to this that you need to explore. I'm just going to take a guess that someone much earlier in your life called you "selfish" to shame, criticize, invalidate, and belittle you, and ever since then, you've internalized that and so you believe it any time someone abusive reawakens the idea; and you're back to a younger version of yourself being taught to believe you're selfish. And therefore, trying to convince them you're really not, wanting to be validated.

 

You're going to have to explore how you've come to doubt yourself so much -- and learn to trust and believe in what you are, standing by what you know of yourself.

 

But first, break up with him. There is no working through this. He is going to be selfish and blaming and self-entitled for the rest of his life, and the sooner you decide to stop wasting your time with him and allowing him to reinforce what was a pre-existing lack of self-worth in you, the sooner you can get on with a life that is self-affirming, either alone or with a man of good character.

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Ok hon, I lived with this for over 10 years.

 

It's not normal.

 

After being married to a wonderful guy for 8 years, I can tell you it is DEFINITIVELY abnormal and abusive. I'm still trying to completely shed the past association of sex with control and pain/anger/shame. Hopefully you're not there yet - but if it continues, your own sex drive will diminish.

 

It is NOT your fault. You are NOT playing games.

 

I'll give you some graphic examples of what my relationship escalated to:

 

After working and dealing with the kids, the second my butt hit the mattress an erection would be pressed on said butt. And if I dared to voice that I was (heaven forbid) exhausted, he would roll on his back and start masturbating while iterating it was my fault because he was "so in love with me" he had a physical reaction to me all the time, and I should be grateful that after years of marriage he still "loved" me so much.

 

I would get lectured on his "needs" and how if I loved him, I wouldn't care if I was tired or sick, but would only care about pleasing him because all he wanted to do was please me.

 

The guilt tripping goes on. Don't do what I did - get out now.

 

Does he only make affectionate gestures with the hope they'll lead to sex? Are all his touches tainted with overtly sexual overtones, even when you don't necessarily feel it's appropriate?

 

And just as an FYI - if HE doesn't use the cream for a yeast infection when you do? He's going to give it right back to you. It can survive in creases and crannies on a guy's penis and genital area without even giving them symptoms. Having sex too soon after the infection can also break open skin left raw, leading to infection and other problems.

 

If you want to try counseling, go for it. But if he's not willing to listen and really change - dump this moron. You are more than his personal to satisfy his carnal side - you know it, and if he doesn't seem to, he needs to go yesterday.

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I'm just going to take a guess that someone much earlier in your life called you "selfish" to shame, criticize, invalidate, and belittle you, and ever since then, you've internalized that and so you believe it any time someone abusive reawakens the idea; and you're back to a younger version of yourself being taught to believe you're selfish. And therefore, trying to convince them you're really not, wanting to be validated.

 

Actually nobody has ever called me selfish my entire life, that I can recall.

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This dude should be ashamed of himself.

 

If this relationship hinges upon his sexual desires, then you should absolutely leave him. If he genuinely cares about you, then he should be able to take care of himself on those occasions when he desires sex but you are not in the mood.

 

I could see him getting angry about you not letting him masturbate, but your body is your body, and he has no right to it. I am a guy, and this behavior disgusts me.

 

As far as anyone calling you selfish, I think that that is irrelevant. It does not actually sound like you are being guilt-tripped but more or less harassed about sex.

 

Tell him that he is allowed to take care of himself if you are not in the mood; or just leave him. I do not know him, but, to me, he sounds like a jerk.

 

Quick question. He has hands. Correct?

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A lot of that same stuff happens in my situation, and the yeast infection thing... I tried to tell him that, I read it online, but he doesn't believe me and acts offended that I'd suggest something like that because he has no symptoms. I'm ok with him masturbating, I'd rather have him do that than have him pressure me, but he's yet to do it in front of me in a disrespectful way..... Except for this one time, now that I think about it... I had a yeast infection AND UTI at the same time and he was really pressuring me for anal sex since my girly bit was pretty much crippled.... I gave in, but it hurt me really, really badly because I'm not used to it. In the middle of it I felt intense pain like I was torn open, and I got up and ran to the bathroom, I started crying. He asked what was wrong and I timidly said "I feel pressured", I came out of the bathroom, laid down in the bed and buried my head in the pillows and started crying, that's when he went BALLISTIC and started yelling at me saying things like "I'M NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH THIS STUPIDITY, I'm not pressuring you, you can't just stop in the middle of sex, blah blah blah" and he ran into the bathroom and LOUDLY jacked off and climaxed, then hopped into the shower and started swearing and laughing and saying things that I thought were just to hurt me, just loud enough for me to hear him.

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