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My ex sending mixed signals, what can I do?


ThomasJW

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So, I'm back again. I've been putting off posting this for some time but I've decided to just post it and see what people will say. It's a long story so bare with me.

 

In short I dated my ex-girlfriend close to 8 months this year, I'm 19 and she's 17, however she was raped mid-way through last year by her first boyfriend. He was an egotistical, manipulative sack of **** but she still loved him, they only met 3 times over the course of 6 months.

 

Skip forward a year he's been long gone and we were happily going out, but with what happened she's been incredibly sketchy, she's always been somewhat nervous around me but I helped show her I'm not going to hurt her, that I love her like a guy should. However her parents got word and said that it may be best if we don't see each other for some time until she's over the event, but we kept in a relationship in secret for her request waiting it out. (The last time I saw her in person was June 2013)

 

A few months after however, we split up. The relationship became too much of a strain and we kept fighting, so in the end we split up but chose to remain friends. It's now been 4 months and I feel things are improving, we've not properly had a fight since early September (when we split) but I feel sometimes she's giving me hot/cold behavior whenever we talk. (More on this later)

 

However, around 2 months ago I did something quite stupid. I told my ex a story which came out wrong, (I was downtown with a friend when she was almost grabbed by some guy, I stopped him thankfully. looking back in the conversation I didn't make everything all too clear to my ex) she went on to tell her mother and she told her to not talk to me. This is when the hot/cold behavior did kick off, and just this morning we had a conversation where I laid out the story and told her properly. I'm going to give her some time to herself so she'll have time to think things through.

 

Around 5 days ago however, was different. she somehow got word that I wasn't feeling too good (I was feeling slightly down, nothing that serious) and she messaged me asking what was wrong, I responded saying college is getting stressful where she gave quite a small blunt "Ah," reply. I asked what was wrong and she said "Just miss someone, distance shouldn't occur", this puzzled me as I'm the only guy that lives quite far from her while I'm the closest friend-wise to her, she's isolated herself from all male contact aside from me and a few friends so I really don't think there's a another guy in the picture.

 

As the conversation went on she said she's currently crying into her pillow, we never said all too much about this 'guy' but when I said 'he' in the conversation she joked "It could be a girl " I joked back, and then left the conversation on a high note as she went off to bed. The next day, nothing. But I left a text before going to bed saying best of luck with tomorrow's therapy session, she came back some hours into the day and said thankyou, we never had a all too big conversation but she was keeping her distance at times.

 

However yesterday was the moneymaker, as we both watch football and support the same team I sent her a text when she was out telling her who's playing, we had a small conversation then left it. Around a hour or so after she came back asking for the score as it was near the end of the match, this conversation was a little more upbeat which I was happy about, the topic then switched from Football to X-Factor where she said she's not watching it tonight, I asked why and she said as her parents are out her brother and his girlfriend ordered Pizza and are going to watch a film, that film being the one I watched earlier in the year in the Cinema with her. I wished her to have fun where she came back saying "Will do! .. We watched that film together .. It was nice

 

Today as usual she messaged me at 12, we talked for a while until the conversation got a tad tame. I asked her if I can talk to her to sort that story out, she was somewhat distant throughout sometimes being negative but I managed to flatten it out in the end. She then went off as for about a week her friends have been organizing meeting a somewhat known celeb that's doing a charity meetup for today, I wished her well then left it there. About some hours after her cousin posted some pictures of them with this guy so I know she was telling the truth, I've kept NC for the past hour then popped up about 2 hours ago to ask how it went, the conversation went well even some small flirts but only ran for about half a hour.

 

It's been a few hours since we talked but I'm going to leave it here for now, she was quite 50/50 earlier so given some time to let her evaluate over it may help bring her closer or push her away, it depends. But after the past two weeks of building up now I feel I've put that on standstill, although with the issue out the way now she could possibly warm up to me better, it's too early to tell.

 

It feels that today was more of a step back than a step forward in a way, I'm happy I managed to clear the story up somewhat but now we're back to doing what we were doing a month ago, just both sitting on facebook not talking. I was thinking of going NC for now. thoughts?

 

Thankyou.

 

It may also be wise of me to add for the past year of knowing her she acts purely on emotion at times, sometimes good sometimes bad.

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I don't understand what you consider hot/cold signals. You said you've remained friends so I would assume you have a relationship and interactions like friends. This is all seems appropriate and friendly to me. Sometimes I interact w/ my friends more than others. Sometimes we'll text or talk daily then there's a spell for a few weeks or month when we hardly talk. Some conversations last longer than others, too, seems normal friend like behavior to me. Sorry I can't be more helpful. Also, I'm 39 and trying to remember back when I was 19 and how it was w/ friends but of course there wasn't texting or FB so it was completely different.

 

It sounds like you have texting conversations and when it's over she goes on and does whatever she does, which is normal. It sounds like you want to be in contact constantly, you can correct me if I'm wrong on that assumption. If that's the case, that's not realistic for anyone. I'm not sure what you want to accomplish w/ NC? It sounds like you're on good friendly terms w/ her and suddenly dropping off the face of the earth is fine if you don't want to be friends anymore.

 

Best thing I can say is if you are expecting constant contact w/ her, stop and enjoy the friendship you have with her.

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jjkk: That's why I'm confused, I'm happy with giving her enough space to breathe but she's asked me to help her through getting over this rape. I've been as supportive as I can for the past 6 months but she keeps asking for my help then completely blanking me, such as a month ago she said to me in her own words that she "i think it's because i don't talk much to you anymore, which i really want to change as now we haven't spoke in ages proper, i've realised i've really missed you i also need to apologise for not speaking in the last few days, i've been revising for the two mocks i've just had, but i want us to become closer again, would you like to?" I accepted, then the next day threw me out as she got comfortable with some kid she's barely known long. (He ended up being a )

 

It's feeling like a constant push/pull with her. I help her, she becomes distant, then comes to me asking for help sometime later, then runs off to another guy, then comes back when she's bored, rinse and repeat. In the past hour or so I've realized something, I forgot about her friend that she has up north. Both are now somewhat close, even putting hearts to eachother but what I don't understand is why she keeps jumping boats like this. NC I already planned to try cut this cycle, so instead of sitting here like a puppet for her to pick me back up again I try change things. Or at least send a text saying we need to talk, but that's a little more putting her on the spot I would think.

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OK, that helps clear things in my mind. So it sounds like you feel like she's just using you when she needs you or when others aren't around. It does sound a bit that way and it isn't fair to you. I support you going NC. You need to do what's best for you and feeling like you're sitting like a puppet for her isn't healthy for either of you. Good job recognizing and being willing to take a difficult step in order to move on.

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I kind of understand you two wanting to remain friends.. talk etc. Do YOU find it hard to 'just be a friend'?

 

I can understand you wanting to 'be there' for her and support her.. let her talk w/e. BUT is she actually seeing a therapist or anything for her past..rape etc? If not, I highly suggest she look into it.

YOU cannot solve that problem for her and her issues as result. You can only do so much and eventually it may end up bringing you down too.

 

I feel she needs some good, professional help right now. If she hasn't seen someone, and she is affected so, I wonder why her parents haven't looked into this?

 

Anyways... you need to take it easy. Remember & respect what's been asked of you. To give her, her time & space to work on herself and try to get over this.

 

IF you feel you cannot take it anymore, either about her 'relying' on you about all of this.. or about just 'trying' to be her 'friend', i suggest you think on this and speak up, if you can't 'be just a friend'.

I find, often, after a cpl has gone this far then try to back up and just be friends.. it's not accomplished because they've been a couple so there are MUCH more feelings involved.

 

cant and wont be friends with my ex's. Never, until I am fully over them.. those feelings take a good while to go away.

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Agreed, this has been happening too long now, I should have put a stop to this sooner. We still do talk about everyday, but from now I'm not going to just stick around and let her start this charade off again. Although I respect both of them are good friends and he's helping her, both of them have had fights before. such as when CoD: Ghosts came out he completely blanked her for the day and she came running to me saying he's a ******* etc, stupidly I supported her and the next week when they started talking again I was the one stood there while she ran off again. She says she wants to be friends then why is it that she doesn't actually want to put in any effort, I've literally given up now and from now going strict NC.

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SooSad33: She is currently seeing a therapist, although the NHS aren't supplying her with regular checkups so she tends to run to friends for support. Her parents have looked into the situation, they've gone as far as to ban her from seeing anybody (Including me) and just trying to help her, but they do sound to be doing more harm than good at times.

 

You do bring up a valid point, I thought for a long while her acting distant was so she doesn't know me as a "friend" and get used to keeping me that way, however if that was the case we would have gone NC long ago.

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Go NC, but I would suggest if/when she txts asking what has happened, be politely honest with her. Trying to help someone through a traumatic phase if very difficult and it is going to bring you down and consume your life. I know from experience - you shouldn't have to become drawn into someone else's problems no matter how close you are. A friend or a boyfriend is not a therapist, you can be there for her to let her talk or take her mind off it, but it is not your job to help her, nor is it really possible for you to help her.

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AchingHeart: I'll do exactly that, after my last post on here she did try to text me late at night for a casual chat, but i ignored it so she may come back in a few hours asking "What's wrong?!" or something. I have a suspicion that the story I mistold her (which I cleared up this time yesterday to her) is playing some part here, she said yesterday she was somewhat upset about it but I don't think that was enough to fully get her to back away and consider me some guy she can talk to some days and ignore me the rest, I've been as kind as I can but now I'm not going to get used like this again.

 

Agreed, although she comes to me granted I'm not a trained therapist so I can't fully help her get over the event. I've said to her if the NHS aren't supplying regular treatments she can come to a private clinic in her town and I'll help pay for them, however when I try to push it forward she backs away like "nah nevermind".

 

I'll post a update if we talk later too.

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*Update* That was unexpected.

 

She texted me about 20 minutes ago asking if everything is okay as I ignored her text last night, following AchingHeart's advice I went to tell her how she's just picking me up and dropping me as she comes and goes, she said "what happened was the story that you now say was wrong is what you told me. Up until that point you made me feel like it could have been you. even after everything I went through and then how supportive you were, it killed me" So then I went on to say that after all we went through I thought she'd know I wouldn't do something like that, she went on to say "Yes we both have our things and yes I agree we both read things on each others profiles and believed we don't care for eachother, but I do. I gtg, bye" Well, I was shocked to say the least.

 

I left a short reply just outlining if she wanted to be friends she wouldn't be avoiding me if I've clearly done nothing wrong, if she comes back later I'll just be indifferent towards her as I've already done my part I feel. As from what I know she's got close to this other guy that I mentioned that lives up north, I know that both will be talking/flirting 24/7 until he gets a new girlfriend (It happens every couple of weeks) and she comes back to me, Again.

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