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Me, him and my Replacement: Advice desired on my 'strategy for sanity'


Achingheart

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First a big hello to everyone. I have been reading this and other forums for months now and finally decided to join this one as I love the advice given by you all

 

I'll try to keep the relationship details short because I feel the current situation is more confusing. We were together a year, the first half of the relationship traveling between countries, with Skype in between. Until he finally convinced me to move here for him. He was always the pursuer I felt, me I was more cautious due to trust issues from many bad relationships. He always said I was the one, his feelings would never change, he would never try again after me (blah blah - on a side note this is now the equivalent for me of my experience with men who cheat always seem to weasel into the conversation that they would never cheat early on in the piece). Anyway at the 11 month mark we had a fight and he said he didn't love me and wouldn't change his mind. He changed his mind a week later when I was looking at apartments and said he didn't mean he never loved me. Then he changed his mind a few weeks later. He said he still loved me but his passion was gone because he felt like he couldn't make me happy. As much as I told him he made me happy, I just needed time to settle in he didn't believe me, and although we didn't have many fights, he said he felt a relationship should have none and be perfect.

 

3 weeks later (while I still lived in the same house) he met someone at a party and started dating her. They are still together and I was crushed. Despite him being away for work and only emailing her (yes I did something bad here I admit), he would not stop calling me, most I ignored. I met up with him a few times since he got back because he is having a computer of mine fixed, which I am now forgetting about as I feel he is using it as a reason to see me again. Every time I met him to collect my things there would always be something he forgot.

 

I felt recently a strong hope we would get back together. Every time I saw him, he would stare deep into my eyes (or at my butt lol), he didn't want me to give back the keys 'just in case I wanted to come over, he said his new relationship is good but they don't see each other much and he is confused and not as involved as he was in the past, he kept me talking for hours asking loads of questions about my life but seemed depressed about his, and biggest of all he asked me to his family Christmas, which I have politely declined 3 times because I said it was not fair to his girlfriend.

 

He came over to see my apartment and I really felt hope by the way he was acting, but alas, they are still together. I decided to give it one last ditch attempt and asked him if there was hope for us. He said he didn't think so. I asked if it was because he was in love with her, or because he thought we wouldn't work out. He said he thought he was not what I needed and I deserve better than this situation (I assume this was a reference to when I flew off the handle when we lived together and he was going on his date and I told him I would never be his second choice if it didn't work out with her, something I regret now). I also asked him, seeing as she is in his friend circle, if this means he was interested in her before. He said no, he only met her once, and was never attracted to her before. He left and again told me he would call me soon and tell me the plan for Christmas (didn't I just say no thanks lol).

 

I have been reading rebound threads, but this relationship of his isn't exactly moving quickly, more he just seems completely disinterested in her. The lack of moving quickly may be because of the amount of time he has been away for work though.

 

I was reading a couple of threads on rebounds and it suggested staying in contact with your ex gives them a satisfaction they attribute to the new person. I also feel like he has yet to realize the full weight of his decision. The first time, me looking for a new place and meeting new people was enough to bring him back, but this time I feel he does not really want me to move on. My mum says he is keeping me on lay-away until he makes up his mind. Every time I have gone into no contact, he blows up my phone and email, and if I didn't respond he sent his mother around or had her contact me (and I feel bad ignoring her as she is lovely).

 

Basically my plan now is to go complete no contact. When (I say when because I know him too well) he has contacted me a few times, I plan to tell him to ask me on a date or not contact me please. I know it will eat him up inside me vanishing, but if it doesn't work in him coming back, I hope it will help me move on in my life. When we last spoke I said I could tell he still had feelings for me and he just stared at the ground and said nothing except 'I just don't think it will work'. It's like he is just following his head, not his heart, and I can tell he is unhappy in his life and lights up when I am there and looks depressed when I leave.

 

What are your thoughts on this plan? Do you think that would help someone who has buried feelings finally realize what decision he has made? Come back? Why the hell is he with someone he was never interested in before? Would that help him get over me or miss me more?

 

Thank you for reading

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From what you've written, regardless of his feelings about his life now and/or this new girl, he simply sounds "not that into you." If you got back together again, I would bet money that he'd end up breaking up again sooner than later.

 

So yes, go NC.

 

But not in hopes of luring him back. Do it so that you can get him out of your life ASAP... and when you're ready, find a replacement for HIM!

 

Good luck - it'll be hard but you'll make it!

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Thanks for your response Dallas

 

I guess I am having trouble understanding how his feelings changed. When we were together his friends were constantly telling me how they were happy to meet me because he never stops talking about me, that they had never seen him so in love or happy in 20 years, everyone who saw us said they wish they had a man look at them how he looked at me, he showered me with gifts and called me internationally several times a day. I feel like he said he wanted marriage and I was the one, but then when I moved here he got scared or something.

 

Why does he not stop calling me if he isn't interested? I have never contacted an ex I had no feelings for. Is it to relieve his guilt or something?

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You're short changing yourself by remaining in contact, despite knowing he now has a girlfriend. At this point he has no need to make a decision, simply because you're still directly in front of him.

 

On the other hand would you be comfortable being his second choice, if he's unable to find anything better out there?

 

Why does he not stop calling me if he isn't interested? I have never contacted an ex I had no feelings for. Is it to relieve his guilt or something?

 

ETA, He wants to be sure you're staying on that back burner, in case he comes up empty as he shops around.

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Agree with Dallas. He's not that into you but he likes having you as a backup option. By continuing to communicate with him, you are remaining that back-up option in his mind.

 

It's sad you keep putting yourself out there for a man to keep rejecting you. Please have some self-respect and walk away.

 

Here are a few thoughts which may help you. Here is one from ExcitedtoSleep:

 

Read this as well - especially about the guy who keep "a foothold" in your life without commitment: link removed

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Mrs Darcy, thanks for the link, that part about 'seeking unnatainable perfection' struck a chord with me. He only told me issues he had 'eg you were rude on the phone to me one day several months ago' when we broke up, he said he believes you should be able to know when something is wrong without the other person telling you. I never thought of him as a commitment phobe because he was so ready to commit to me before (even told my dad he wanted to marry me. My dad now is polishing his proverbial shotgun btw lol). But when we broke up I asked his longest relationship - 1.5 years. And he said he always broke up in the past because he 'lost the feeling'. I sense he doesn't understand what happens after the honeymoon period.

 

Would I feel like his second choice? I don't know. I should not have said girlfriend, I would call it dating. But here I went on a date with a guy and he referred to me as 'his girlfriend' on the second date, so it's more language thing here they use that word. If he was in love with her and then came back when it didn't work out, yes of course. But right now I don't know if either of us are the first or second choices. He chose me for Christmas, so i dont think that makes her his first choice. so IF he came back saying he was using her to get over me, fill a void etc, then I would not consider that second choice.

 

If he is just not that into me, but continuously calling and offering to do things for me, offering to buy me things etc, for whatever reason, does this mean it was all a lie? That he never loved me and was just using me? My friends andothers who i have spoken to (outsiders) think he is obviously interested but won't change his mind for whatever reason. I feel now like I was suckered into moving accross the world for someone who never loved me

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Don't try and decifer the confusion in your head. Right now you're way too available to him. You need to reclaim your life back and focus on something positive other than the mixed signals and rejection he is feeding you. It's pretty obvious you're focused on this and it's a vicious cycle that's ripping your self esteem apart. Stop banging your head against the wall. Yes he cares for you but you're too available and he's just not feeling the attraction as a result. Do something by for yourself. If it makes you happy to move back home then do that. He is only taking your life force, cut the cancer off now before it destroys you.

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True Mrs Darcy. I am torturing myself about it and the continuous thoughts of 'did he ever love me?' 'will he change his mind'. You have all given me a much needed slap in the face and made me realize my self esteem issues if I keep waiting for him.

 

I have dated a lot of a-holes in the past, this one is actually one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. Everyone thought that about him, but despite him being so nice for one year, he did not treat me very well in the break up. He acted very cold and said he didn't know why because he had never done that before or dated someone so soon. And I do believe that I was the one for him in the beginning, because it was backed up by the excitement and enthusiasm from all his friends and family. His family told me they are devastated and his mother cried last time I saw her. I feel his coldness and actions are his form of punishing me because he feels it was mostly my fault. I remember one day he said a few rude things to me and I got upset. He stormed off and came back to apologize and said he said it to hurt me because he was upset at something I had said the day before. He held things in and then exploded, and I can understand that happening but I feel it is very immature the way he decided to 'punish' me after the break up.

 

I have been 3 days NC and I will be ignoring his future calls. I felt I had to answer before because I want my computer back, but then he will call to tell me there is no news about the computer and then want to chat. I am playing his game and it is giving him all the control. I just cannot ignore his mother so I will keep interactions with her short if she txts when I am ignoring him.

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