cheating and depression

[aussieraven]

Hi everyone,

 

I need advice on how to handle this situation. I been with my boyfriend for 8 months and knew he suffered depression, this was mainly due to his ex cheating on him over a period of 4 years ( 14 times ) and they had a on and off again relationship due to this and he had bad self esteem issues as a result ..

 

He tried to commit suicide as a cry for help and set it up so the ex would find him. it was lucky a another friend found him. Not long after that we got together and yes it was too soon but he chased me and I fell for him.

 

He was scared to commit but finally did it and it was great as you could see the change in him. I only saw him on weekends but spoke everyday. Not long after making the commitment he started to get depression and push me away and become distanced, I read all i could on depression and how to be the loving and understanding partner. At one point he asked for space as he was feeling weird, then a week later said that he felt I deserve better and maybe we should be friends. I just told him that he is in a dark place and its his depression talking. After this he seem fine and started to feel like him again.

 

But he wanted to talk and he was really stressed, and very emotional. So at 1am in the morning he came to my place we made love and laughed. We had the talk in the morning about how he has self esteem issues and his depression and that he confessed that at the very start of our relationship when we were just getting to know one another ( we were pretty much strangers at this point), he had sex with a friend of his. I was shocked but forgave him as we wasn't really together then i asked if there was more and he said no.

 

This friend of his I knew was sweet on him via her facebook responses to his post he just brushed it off saying it just what she does and he will have a talk to her about it. skip 2 weeks later he put up pictures of us together and gets a phone text from her asking if he and I was together and that he was leading her on. He responded by telling her that yes we were together and she knew that, and she was just a friend, I watched as he wrote this to her.

 

they do have a history were they did have sex one time between a break from his cheating ex and hurt her by running back to his ex. and again during another break where they tried to have a relationship and it lasted 2 weeks with him leaving it.

 

So about a month ago I get a inbox message from her on Facebook saying that she is sleeping with him. I ring him up and confront him and he admits to it. and it was about 3 weeks after he made the commitment to me. and he did because he was scared and wanted to put distance between us as he felt the relationship was going too fast for him, it was just sex and they were both drinking but he knew what he was doing , but he also said he didnt go there looking for sex it started to happen and he went with it. and he takes 100 percent ownership . but I do blame her too .

 

I asked how could he when he knew the pain as he been cheated on, he couldn't answer. I know he feels hurt and guilt over what he did and knows it was self sabotage. I was angry and hurt and put a lot of cheating posts up so he unfriended me on Facebook. But she is still on there.

 

I am still seeing him and he has been good in being honest and understanding what I am going through and I want to make this work

 

I know that this is going to look bad on his part but he is a big attention seeker and has a lot of female friends and plays the victim to a tee . But his childhood was rough with sexual abuse and abandonment from both parents then the ex with repeated affairs . this attention is a way of getting validation on his part . He also pushes people away if they get too close. It is all fear base, I get it.

 

He swears he has not contacted the other woman and she has not contacted him but she is still on his facebook and he still has her number as she has been around as a friend for 10 years and well before me. He feels if he blocked her or removes her from his life he is being a bad person but also feels she didn't do anything wrong he did ( again back to his issues ) but it hurts me to see her comments on his page when through he dosnt comment back

 

So I am not sure whether to let her trip up and let him see her for what she is ( manipulative ) or to demand he removes her. which I feel with make me look like the bad person here. He is still scared of commitment but we are still seeing each other so dont want him to shut down on me. Iam hurting and its a rollercoster ride of emotions but I do love him and cant let him go at this point and hoping it was a once off mistake. taking in his mental health issue I am trying to come from a place of understanding.

 

I should point out he is 44 and I am 43. any advice would be great thank you

[savignon]

There are tons of red flags here and I'll point out the ones that seem most alarming:

-depression (this is caused by a chemical/hormone imbalance...not someone cheating you

-getting together with you so shortly after another relationship

-suicide attempt (HUUUGE red flag)

-"setting it up so his gf would find him"...HUUUUUGE red flag (deliberate and intentional plan to traumatize and manipulate someone he "loves")

-cheating on you

-lying about cheating on you until someone else brought it to your attention

-cheating on you within the early and later stages of what's been a very short relationship (8 months)...what's usually the "honeymoon stage" where someone only has eyes for you

-"likes lots of attention"

-"plays the victim to a tee"

-the biggest red flag: that you still want to work on this (that speaks to your issues--not his)

 

With all of that and knowing you're still interested in 'making this work', I can't offer you anything except to read up on your own esteem issues, co-dependency and this article (as well as many others from the same sight/woman):

 

link removed

 

You can only help yourself here. No amount of other people telling you to "walk away" will work. You seem to want to save him or be the exception to his rule. That speaks to your own esteem issues and there are great articles and books out there on that as well.

 

Good luck.

[ParisPaulette]

There are too many red flags here to even count. I hate to break it to you, but this guy isn't depressed. He's a cheater who cries "depressed" and "oh I'm so scared of my feelings" to manipulate women into sleeping with him and putting up with his bad behavior. And my guess if you ever talked to his ex you'd find out she wasn't the one who was cheating, he is. Sorry, not buying his stories at all. He's a cheater, he's using both you and the other girl and will happily play the two of you against each other over and over again while crying and sighing about how messed up he is. That part at least he's got right.

 

My advice: tell him if he's that depressed to go get professional help and you kick him to the curb. Never accept bad behavior couched as caused by mental, emotional or any other sort of life problems, because it's always BS. Depression doesn't cause a person to cheat, fear of loving someone doesn't cause someone to cheat, a bad childhood or abuse or, or, or doesn't cause someone to cheat. Being a jerk who likes to hurt other people and who gets off on the idea of two or more people fighting and vying for their attention and love--that causes someone like this to cheat.

 

You know it won't ever get any better so why stay?

[SooSad33]

HE has MANY issues that he NEEDS to deal with here. Or this is all going to interfere with anything you've got going on with him.

His depression, his past, his ex, going your way so fast and NOT dealing with his last relationship- yet...

 

He is in no means, 'ready' to move on yet, emotionally or mentally. I'd suggest HE look into some help. Some therapy to 'help' him with his issues and for a while.

During this time, I would NOT think of going any further with this relationship.. or his past issues will remain and continue into what you two have going on.

 

he may also need to get on some med's to help with his Depression. To help him along, as he 'tries' to deal with this mess in his life & in his head.

 

I suggest YOU have a heart to heart talk with him and try to get him to realize this. He is a hurting unit right now and need's to slow his life down a bit and work on 'improving himself' in a few ways.

 

I feel, the last thing HE needs right now is another relationship- to add to the negatives he's already got.

[SooSad33]

Paris is also correct^^ Re: the things he's doing and 'claiming' it to be for other reasons.

 

Fact is... YOU don't need someone this unstable in your life.. do you? You cannot 'correct' him or his ways.

 

I've been thru neglect & abuse.. broken families etc. If anything, it HAS made me more aware of NOT wanting my own families to be broken and actually 'try' harder.

NOT sure of what is going on in HIS head in this situation? Maybe he should have had some help lonnggg time ago?

But- either way.. it's no good for YOU to bother trying with him.. right?

[aussieraven]

Thanks everyone, I agree I do need to work on my self esteem issues as well, and you are all coming from a place of truth, the problem is my head and my heart are fighting each other over him.

The problem is that He has shown remorse over what he did and has been open. and it is true that his ex did cheat on him. and he is trying. Also he is seeing a psychiatrist who he has spoken to about what he did, the psychiatrist said what he did was emotional sabotage because he didnt feel good enough. He didn't denied it when I confronted him about the cheating and was very honest about it and regretful he wanted to tell me but was scared. These factors made me stay. but the trust is gone right now and I am struggling every time he is quite ( he lives a hour away )

 

The depression didnt cause it as he knew what he was doing but it was a contributing factor as getting attention from another female made him feel better and the depression made him feel that our relationship was making him feel that there was something wrong with us, it didnt help that the other woman pushed that idea too.

 

He is suffering with mental illness / depression and I dont want to push him too much as I feel I am stronger than him mentally . I am trying not to make excuses for him but I am trying to be the bigger person. but besides walking away from him confused on how to deal with this knowing is mental state. and how to make my stand about the other woman without him closing up.

[savignon]

If he's someone who likes attention, you'll have to get used to other women being in the picture. And those women also don't have high esteems so if you're not going to hold him accountable for his actions due to his "issues" you should grant them the same exception. My now ex-husband had an affair (multiple, actually) and the woman he had the affair with had a long history of cheating and 'seeking attention' from multiple sources. Her husband actually told me "she has really low self esteem and needs a lot of attention" and stayed with her. Personally I don't get it....I'd rather not drag down my own esteem for someone else's sake...someone who's lying, cheating and disrespecting me to boot? Forget about it. Next thing you know, you'll be in your next relationship saying "I have trust issues because my ex cheated on me a lot and I always forgave him"...so some other guy pays the price for him while you pay the price for his past/issues.

There's a clear pattern starting to establish and you are responsible for your end.

I can tell you honestly I was 'stronger' than my husband(who was much like how you describe your bf) and I can tell you what that bought me....me making excuses for him, going to therapy with him, feeling sorry for him, supporting him and then being left with a baby to take care of all by myself, a mortgage to pay by myself after I kicked him out....that's what I got for being 'stronger'...I have to be stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and its exhausting and he appreciates exactly NONE of it.... and I put myself in the exact situation I'm in now. I don't blame him OR the 'other woman' who threw herself at him. I blame myself. VERY early into it...about 4-6 months, I knew exactly who he was and was doing exactly what you're doing. I felt sorry for him. He enjoys that. He "plays the victim to a tee" as you describe of your guy. He still does. And I'm still the stronger one...I don't have a choice. All of the "poor guy with all his issues" wears off eventually after the honeymoon phase is over and you'll just be longing for a partner who's EQUAL and who gets YOU and who will cut YOU some slack, be there for you. You'd THINK that after all you do for him, he'd do that for you. But he won't. He's a victim and will keep being a victim. You'll be the one who changed...you'll have changed from someone who made excuses and enabled him to someone who is tired and exhausted and out of excuses and just needs an EQUAL.

STOP IT.

Seriously.

Sorry for the tough love but I can tell you exactly how this is going to end and if you think you're 'strong' now, you're gonna need to be a hell of a lot stronger later when this all blows up on you. And you can blame his past, his issues, his esteem, his 'illness', his depression, her, her issues, etc. but YOU are walking EYES WIDE OPEN into a sh** storm and you have no excuse for that...especially if you're "stronger than him mentally".

Get a grip and get yourself together and OUT of this relationship.

Its beneath you.

[aussieraven]

Savignon thank you I have tears in my eyes as I write this too you, I know your right, you are all right. .... why is it hard to let go of something so wrong

[ParisPaulette]

Mmm, there are still way too many issues here and sadly once someone pulls emotional/mental/life problems out as a reason why they hurt someone they claim to love my own experience is it just never gets any better. They get locked into the whole "abuse excuse" for their behaviors. Also I'm not a fan of the whole "self-sabotage" crap either. I know plenty of psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists who would've nailed him to the wall over his behavior as just being crap behavior and to stop it already. They wouldn't have said he's self-sabotaging, more like he's self-serving. I have plenty of friends with mental and emotional issues, dark pasts, I've even got a bit of those things myself and every February yes the black dog of depression comes to stay with me. None of us have ever used it as a reason to hurt the ones we love, so I really would caution you about even buying into that whole "I was so depressed and I needed something to make me feel good." I worked in the mental health industry some years ago and I saw enough depression, anxiety, fear and you name its to know a con job when I see it. You may not like me saying this but your guy is conning you and worse, it sounds like even his therapist is buying into his excuses.

 

Your heart may betray you, but it's your self-esteem and self-respect that you should let win at the end of the day. Those will carry you so much further than any "heart" or "emotions" ever will. And acting sorry and crying is just that, acting. I personally think you've just seen the tip of the iceberg and there's a lot worse coming. And once the trust is gone so is the relationship, you just haven't accepted or realized it yet. Without trust and communication and empathy there is nothing and what worries more than his mental health issues is a clear lack of empathy. Someone with empathy and real caring wouldn't have chosen to use two women to make himself feel better.

[shelty24]

You are two unhealthy dysfunctional people coming together which will result in one whopping mess of a dysfunctional relationship. Hes admitted to cheating on you twice-the second time you found out from someone else sooo i bet hes hiding a whole lot more..

 

His problems are not yours-hes just gonna drag you down to his level, take away all your confidence and manipulate you into forgiving him time and time again by playing the "victim". Hes good at that.

 

I make a point of not associating with people who blame the world for their problems. Hes not a victim. His ex cheated on him 14 times and he kept going back. Hes the problem right there for being a doormat and a fool for her and then he blames all his problems now on her. He could have left her the first time, moved on and got the f over it. Instead he chose to stay and allowed her to destroy him just like your doing now..

 

hes using you btw. All his committment issues, excuses, lies, cheating-all that says hes not that into you. You allow him to manipulate you.

 

Time to grow a backbone, open your eyes and wakeup

[savignon]

Savignon thank you I have tears in my eyes as I write this too you, I know your right, you are all right. .... why is it hard to let go of something so wrong

 

Because you have a low esteem yourself, think your efforts will "pay off" or that this is your "once chance" to be happy/get married/have a family, etc.

You're not alone. You're in good company, in fact.

Please do yourself a favor and move on from this situation knowing in your heart that you deserve so much more.

[lerenard]

trying to commit suicide as a set up so you will be found is manipulating, not a cry for help - big red flag

the fact that he chased you but then was scared to commit - is another red flag

when you are depressed you should be solving your issues, not jumping from one bed to another as he did

and even if all that mess did not exist, still - he cheats on you. that should be enough for you lo leave him

he is unstable, sexually confused liar.

[aussieraven]

today I ended it with him or rather gave him a choice to remove her so we can move forward or i will go because I cant have her still in the picture, if we are going to heal our relationship.. Instead of fighting for our relationship he said that she didnt do anything wrong it was him not her.. I guess I got my answer.

 

The horrible thing was he was angry that i posted on here and said he played victim to a tee and that he loves the attention and that i was running him down on facebook with my post ( not true they wasn't even about but one that was about fighting for a relationship quote ). He didn't even worry that I was ending it. that all I was worth to him Absolutely no empathy for me at all !!!

[lerenard]

you gave him time to chose before and he lied to you. that was your answer back then

move on girl, a guy like that will never make you happy.

[aussieraven]

Thank you Iarlequin

[louisecar]

well done for being strong and doing the right thing! he didnt volunteer the information about cheating until he had been found out so heaven knows what else he could be hiding or would have hidden in the future. you got a lucky escape girl.