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Is it manipulation telling my ex I cant really be there for her if she chooses the rebound guy? We are best friends, have a fairly long intense history. We both still love each other but she may choose to be with someone else for now. Shes told me on no uncertain terms... "I just cant be with you right now." Its a long involved story, Ive posted it in another thread. It feels like it would be manipulative telling her this before she commits to a choice but... It is a reality we will both be affected by if she chooses to be with him. Yes, she herself is very confused right now, as am I.

Thank you.

Tried posting a link to the whole story. Im not too tech savvy. Youll find the thread if interested. Ex/relationships "inspirational, longwinded n confused".

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If she's trying to choose between you and the new guy, then it's over for you regardless, because what that generally means is she's struggling between you + the security of your existing relationship, and him.

 

This kinda says that she likes him more but is scared to make the leap. It's the same feeling you get when you're considering leaving your existing employer before you have a signed contract with the company you're jumping ship to.

 

Is it manipulative of you to say what you're thinking of saying? Sure, in that you're trying to use her uncertainty of their possible future to make her choose you, the "safe" option.

 

Is it going to save the relationship for you? Nope.

 

Are you better off recognizing that your relationship is over and walking away the more powerful, less insecure party? I think so.

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Is it manipulation telling my ex I cant really be there for her if she chooses the rebound guy? We are best friends, have a fairly long intense history. We both still love each other but she may choose to be with someone else for now. Shes told me on no uncertain terms... "I just cant be with you right now." Its a long involved story, Ive posted it in another thread. It feels like it would be manipulative telling her this before she commits to a choice but... It is a reality we will both be affected by if she chooses to be with him. Yes, she herself is very confused right now, as am I.

Thank you.

Tried posting a link to the whole story. Im not too tech savvy. Youll find the thread if interested. Ex/relationships "inspirational, longwinded n confused".

 

would it be if you were in her shoes and she in yours?

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I think it's assumed you can't be there if she chooses the other guy. What you should be thinking is---- can you be there for her knowing she has doubts. In a relationship both people need to have the same level of commitment in order for it to work. The issues that we have in relationships do not really change. If you have conflict about this guy and work it out, it will happen again with either another guy or something else to make her doubt being with you.

 

Confused people stay confused because, as individuals we know what we want and what is right for us, but usually these things are the harder choices. The conflict comes into play while we are trying to negotiate how to have what we want but want an easier way. Is it dramatic and hurtful? Yes. But if she can't decide between you, it's not because she can't really decide. It's because she doesn't want to end up alone. I really think regardless of who she picks in the long run, neither of you will end up with her. It's just too complicated. When you love someone and they love you-- it's easy.

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I appreciate the thoughtful responses. In regard to it being over for good... Maybe I am delusional but I think our story is quite different. A large part of me feels letting it go will be the end but keeping it close will be all that can bring us back. I allowed too much space this last summer and that is what pushed her another direction. I agree that she is just feeling the need to "be with someone". That someone would be me if there werent trust issues to work through. Whatever is said, I will not be giving up on her, I may be letting go temporarily as I need to work on myself anyways but... She will always be the one I love.

"It depends on why your telling her that. If it's to try and win her back then yes. If it's because it hurts you to much to see her with another guy then no." -clingyconfused-

Of course, its because it will be too painful to see or hear of this guy. THeres also the thought that it will sway her decision. So, its both sides of that equation.

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Fine, if you love here.. but as mentioned, there's 'trust issues'? Then whomever has that problem, YES, they need to be addressed BEFORE you can ever get back together, or this same problem will re occur and therefore nothing has been changed in order for you two to work on making it.

 

When we break up and there's issues involved. It'll end up being the same (no changes, no improvements). Therefore, still won't work...

 

I think what YOU should do is.. NO contact. Let HER do her deed...let her think & figure herself out. Dont be in the way.

Let her feel what it's like to NOT Have your around, at all ( so she can miss you).

 

While going NC, for your own mentality, you can then have your own time & space to work on yourself as well, plus, either way- whether you get bk together, or not- you're at least making that move to try & 'heal' now.

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Well then there is your answer. You are not going to give up either way. You are willing to give her time to decide even if that means temporarily she picks the other guy. So I think in truth you will be there and just saying you won't to manipulate the situation into her picking you. We all manipulate and negotiate to try to get what we want to some extent. I just think when we do this to the extent that you let her treat you any old way so that eventually you will be together is a very slippery slope. With each thing she does a little piece of your self worth chips away. You think you are doing it out of love... But the truth is with each little piece of yourself that goes away, you find yourself less and less happy. And she gets more and more power. Where does it end? Being someone's second choice should not be an option.

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Let her make her choice and THEN tell her that you can't be in touch with her anymore. She already knows that choosing him the opposite of choosing you, so I'd not bother to point that out. If you have a long history together, she knows you well enough to this is a decision that will affect both of you. In order to keep your dignity and self respect, I'd let her go ahead and live her life the way she chooses and if, as a result of those choices, you don't see yourself fitting into her life as she chooses it to be, then you can back out and let go of her- which honestly sounds like right thing to do for yourself either way.

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Maybe I am delusional but I think our story is quite different.

 

Everybody does. It isn't.

 

She'll be the only girl you'll ever love... until she's gone, you've spent time apart and you've met new people. Then one of them will be "the only girl I'll ever love".

 

But chances are you won't believe that until you realise it for yourself. I didn't either.

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