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Doubt if I will ever find someone


jennylove

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Mid 30s swf here, attractive but starting to shows signs of aging with slight smile lines and crows feet. The guys from match who are within my age group all seem to want a Barbie doll, or, this deal breaker, they have kids, or, if none of the aforementioned,then they are unemployed. I know it seems ridiculous that I'm looking for someone in their mid 30s or 40s wo kids, gainfully employed, and of average looks with avg to stocky build, who isn't looking for a Barbie, but surely he exists? I don't have any friends to hangout with, which means I don't get out much since it sux being solo at restaurants, coffee places etc. I go to the gym and my job on a daily basis, and meet up groups on occasion and volumteer at the humane society weekly, but never meet anyone who has time to hangout or date. Don't know what else to do.

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Well, unfortunately with that outlook you may not meet anyone.

 

I think you're being a bit hasty though. I'm your age...if not a tiny bit older and I've met several men who meet that criteria this year off Match and PoF. Now it turns out they weren't a match for me but they do exist.

 

Why is having kids a deal breaker? Do you not want kids or do you just not want to be a step mom? I have found there are very few mid 30's guys without kids that actually want them. If they don't have them it's b/c they don't ever want any....and the guys who don't really want any aren't planning on settling own until they are 50. lol

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What about broadening your search radius on these sites? Idk what size of town you live in but it may be worth looking at other nearby areas as well.

 

Like lovesodeep, I'm a bit curious about kids being a deal breaker. Yes, kids come w/ some extra difficulties but there are all kinds of arrangements. What about guys whose kids are teenagers (meaning they'll be moving out soon, although, yes, still involved w/ their dad but to a lesser degree usually)? Most probably share custody so what about a man who has kids every other week or a few days a week? There's all kinds of arrangements so are there any you think you'd be willing to take a chance with? I find that men w/ children are usually more realistic about relationships and women and aren't afraid of commitment. Of course not all of them are this way but most have had a long term relationship and know about commitment because they are committed to their children. Usually they've been w/ a woman through pregnancy, labor, etc. and are more likely to see me as a whole human being instead of some ridiculous Barbie type fantasy. Just some things to think about.

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Jennylove, last two posts sounded a little harsh to me. Both are attacking you while supporting you. You came here for support, and you should get it. I am sure Love and jj weren't intending to be harsh.

 

You deserve what you want. Your expectations sound reasonable to me. I get that it's hard to find someone who meets your expectations, but keep doing your thing while keeping your eye open. You might find someone, and if you don't, you are still going to be awesome.

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Jennylove, last two posts sounded a little harsh to me. Both are attacking you while supporting you. You came here for support, and you should get it. I am sure Love and jj weren't intending to be harsh.

.

 

Wow, I absolutely didn't intend to sound harsh and I'm really sorry if I did. Sometimes when there's not face to face interaction things can sound differently than intended.

 

To clarify, I felt like I was just giving her some things to think about in order to open herself up to more men in hopes she can find someone. For example, asking her if kids are a 100% deal breaker or if his kids were older would she consider, etc. If it's an absolute deal breaker, that's fine and she certainly has that right and I'm not dissing her for that. I asked the question to see if there was potential for a man w/out full custody and little kids, that's all. It was my attempt to give her some other possible ideas because I know it's really difficult to find a man in their 30's w/out kids.

 

I don't think people should compromise their values or get into situations they already know they aren't going to be happy with just to find a relationship. I do feel like being open to a wide variety of people helps your odds, though. My question about the kids was more of an attempt to pinpoint the reason and see if there was wiggle room to broaden her parameters.

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No amazing advice here just wanted to tell you I am in the same boat. I went on a date with someone that has a child, I will go on one more but it's definitely holding me back. I assume that men that are dads and very involved ones, just don't have the same urgency for a relationship the way single guys do, they get a lot of the love and company from the kids, different love for sure but still they don't feel so alone. Then you have the scenario where an ex is constantly there because she is the mother. They have gone through this unique bonding experience together and it's just always there. The guy had to get a babysitter to meet me so that means spontaneity is slightly out of the window too. And then I wonder how sleepovers would work. I am sure if there is a will there is a way but maybe it's easier to date a guy with kids if you don't want any yourself.

 

I wouldn't say the guys I come accross all want a barbie doll but I feel they want a simple woman and most of them sound so generic to me.

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Hi, I'm also in my mid-30s, single, and struggling to find a relationship. I cancelled my Match subscription in 1 week because I mostly got messaged by much older men. When I looked at profiles of men in their 30s, the majority were seeking women in their 20s. The discovery that I was too old to date men my OWN AGE was too depressing and it started to affect my self-esteem. So, I will never ever use Match again. I much prefer OkC.

 

I'm on the same boat as you when it comes to men with kids being a deal breaker. I have dated a few of them and find fathers too expensive (yes, EXPENSIVE) to date. Most men easily earn 3 to 4x more than I do. Single men without kids usually pay for me, or are open to deals like I can pay every 3rd time we go out. However, those with kids expect/require me to pay half the time, and I often found myself paying more, which I cannot afford. In addition to the other challenges like their lack of time, freedom, ex, etc., it's not worth it for me.

 

When I first moved to my current city almost 2 years ago, I met a lot of single women in their upper 20s to hang out with. Now, most of them have found relationships and I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I hate to blame one thing like...my age, but I do feel it is part of it. I know that once I meet the right guy, he's going to accept me as I am and age or whatever else will not be a factor to him. Just have to be patient....

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If I were a man, I would not want to date a woman who expected me to pay more than 50% of the time we went out.

 

When I was single and poor, I suggested free/cheap dates. If I couldn't afford to go out to dinner, I didn't go out to dinner. Plenty of other things to do and I think you'd have more luck with finding a guy being more flexible about the dates.

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If I were a man, I would not want to date a woman who expected me to pay more than 50% of the time we went out.

 

When I was single and poor, I suggested free/cheap dates. If I couldn't afford to go out to dinner, I didn't go out to dinner. Plenty of other things to do and I think you'd have more luck with finding a guy being more flexible about the dates.

 

I never "expect" a man to pay. That's insulting and catty lol. So far, the men I have ended up dating earned much more than me, insisted on going to nice places, and some never let me pay. The single fathers I dated also made more than I did, had expensive tastes that I couldn't afford, but expected me to pay for them. I inform every guy what I do for a living before we start dating, so they can make their own decisions.

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I feel like I'm in the same boat but with a twist....I have a 2 year old and would like to meet either a dad or a guy who wants kids. I also find that guys who don't have kids by late 30s/40s don't want them at all and some guys who have kids aren't really involved with them and are looking for someone in their 20s. I also find around where I live that most guys are fit and want a fit woman. I completely 100% understand that and I'm not ugly or terribly out of shape or anything...but working out and being outdoors I'm lucky to squeeze in when I can and its just not on my list of priorities. So I feel like there's no one compatible with me. I work all day and have my daughter and not a lot of time actually to date so I can actually completely understand why I'm not meeting people and it feels like its always gonna be this way. At the same time I'm confident that it'll happen ...it'll be a pleasant surprise since I can't imagine how/when/where/who/etc.

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Savig... I think you are on target with much of what you say. There is research out too that states if a guy does not have kids by the time he is 40 it's generally because he did not want them.

 

I think the in shape point is important. Where I live ... big city ... lot of the single men who are a little older and financially well established want someone in shape.

 

I recently lost some weight ... went from average to slender ... and the increase in male attention is almost startling.

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Savig... I think you are on target with much of what you say. There is research out too that states if a guy does not have kids by the time he is 40 it's generally because he did not want them.

 

I think the in shape point is important. Where I live ... big city ... lot of the single men who are a little older and financially well established want someone in shape.

 

I recently lost some weight ... went from average to slender ... and the increase in male attention is almost startling.

 

I would look and feel awesome if I lost 10lbs and I know that anything I say is just an excuse but when I ask myself "how bad do you want it?" I'm just not willing to make it a priority right now and understand that it will affect my life in some areas, including dating. Right now dating is low on my list as well but it will creep back up there in time no doubt. Still adjusting to divorce/single mom/post-rebound/settling finances and then I'll probably be interested again and feel better enough about myself to make the weight a priority again.

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I think the in shape point is important. Where I live ... big city ... lot of the single men who are a little older and financially well established want someone in shape.

 

I recently lost some weight ... went from average to slender ... and the increase in male attention is almost startling.

 

 

Yeah it's true. Most guys like women are in shape/slender. But this cuts both ways as well...when I lost some weight right after my breakup, my face/jaw became more defined, and I noticed I got more attention from girls too.

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I definitely need to lose 20 pounds. Do u think that losing the weight make that much diff? All around me I see heavier women with a man on their arms. And besides, attracting a man who wouldn't look at me with 20 extra pounds isn't the type I'd want to end up with. What will happen if I gain wt dye to illness or pregnancy - will he jet on me?

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I definitely need to lose 20 pounds. Do u think that losing the weight make that much diff? All around me I see heavier women with a man on their arms. And besides, attracting a man who wouldn't look at me with 20 extra pounds isn't the type I'd want to end up with. What will happen if I gain wt dye to illness or pregnancy - will he jet on me?

 

Let me start out by saying that I do not consider myself to be a shallow guy.

 

However, when it comes to initial attraction, excess weight is the most unattractive characteristic a woman can possess.

 

I have never been in a situation where a woman gained weight during the course of a relationship, but I assume that it would matter less than you having the weight initially.

 

Also, I hate the whole excuse of, "That is not the type of guy I want to be with anyway." Physical attraction is a major part of relationships. Unless you are looking for a guy who is attracted to heavier women, there is no reason not to look as healthy as possible.

 

Also, working on your weight shows that you care about the image you project. I assume that you wouldn't go around wearing terrible clothing simply because it is not something intrinsic to you.

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I definitely need to lose 20 pounds. Do u think that losing the weight make that much diff? All around me I see heavier women with a man on their arms. And besides, attracting a man who wouldn't look at me with 20 extra pounds isn't the type I'd want to end up with. What will happen if I gain wt dye to illness or pregnancy - will he jet on me?

 

It's sad how important weight is!

 

It really depends also on where you live in the big city a size 0 is what they mean by fit/slender. I'm actually at the top end of the "healthy" weight for my height but not overweight. I've posted this several other times so I guess posting it again won't matter I'm about a size 4 and I don't live in the big city. The average size for women my age here is a size 14-16 and somehow some guys think I'm not skinny enough for them. I guess they just prefer that size 0. I'll never be that size so not much I can do about that. I have found though that by not getting too excited about guys who have 6% body fat and post multiple picture of their abs; I can avoid some of that. Sure those guys are hot but they want someone at their level and I am not.

 

However, I have also found that most guys are not as realistic about what their "level" is as I am. I get a LOT of older, balding guys, who are at least 30-40 pounds overweight sending me messages. On the one hand that's confidence for you....but on the other I'm just not attracted to bald guys (even the ones who shave it off by choice) or chubby faces. I can deal with some weight around the middle but no one is attracted to everything. So it's okay to draw the line somewhere. Just be realistic and try not to draw your self out of the picture with too many lines (and that's for everyone not just you OP).

 

That being said if you're 20 pound over your "healthy weight" it's going to be a noticeable difference if you lose even half of that (unless you are really tall. If that would make you happy...then by all means do it. Focus on that for a while and pull back on the dating until you are happy with you....if it wouldn't make you happy....don't bother...work on what makes you happy. People can tell when you're happy with you and you'll be much more likely to find a mate when you exude that "i'm happy with me" vibe.

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I definitely need to lose 20 pounds. Do u think that losing the weight make that much diff? All around me I see heavier women with a man on their arms. And besides, attracting a man who wouldn't look at me with 20 extra pounds isn't the type I'd want to end up with. What will happen if I gain wt dye to illness or pregnancy - will he jet on me?

 

I do think fair or not that thinner women do better in the dating scene (and most of those men are not that insistent on the women staying that thin -who knows why). I met over 100 men through on line dating sites when I did on line dating and I dated many men before I settled down in my late 30s and my experience was overweight was a problem especially in environments like on line dating and singles events. I also think some men are concerned about long term health issues and/or want someone who is very active. Obviously a 20 pound weight gain might not affect that but it might give that impression.

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I appreciate all the honesty. I do hope to lose the weight for health reasons, but I'm not sure that it will help me in the dating scene. Reason being, I tend to look a lot older in my face when thinner. And I've noticed that with a coworker who has lost weight. Her body looks great but her face looks old.

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I appreciate all the honesty. I do hope to lose the weight for health reasons, but I'm not sure that it will help me in the dating scene. Reason being, I tend to look a lot older in my face when thinner. And I've noticed that with a coworker who has lost weight. Her body looks great but her face looks old.

 

Moisturizers can work wonders on the face. Make sure you drink plenty of water and use a good moisturizer and you'll be fine.

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Moisturizers can work wonders on the face. Make sure you drink plenty of water and use a good moisturizer and you'll be fine.

 

How old are you, lovesodeep? And what moisturizer?? I want some!

I also would like to lose 10lbs for myself (not for dating)...I like the suggestion that losing even half of what you should lose would make a big and noticeable difference..most importantly to yourself.

Jennylove we should hook up on this...10 lbs before summer, maybe? PM me and we can talk dating and diets ;-)

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How old are you, lovesodeep? And what moisturizer?? I want some!

I also would like to lose 10lbs for myself (not for dating)...I like the suggestion that losing even half of what you should lose would make a big and noticeable difference..most importantly to yourself.

Jennylove we should hook up on this...10 lbs before summer, maybe? PM me and we can talk dating and diets ;-)

 

HaHa!

 

Sav I'm 36. I started using regular old Oil of Olay when I was 25. Now I use Garnier....They have this great targeted line serum it's in a tiny little pump bottle and with a lotion and serum swirled together. Their night cream is great too. to

 

I know after 30 losing weight can be harder...Low carb never worked for me before but now it actually works and I do boot camp once a week and run when I can.

 

Teaming up is always a great idea!

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jennylove - I'm a 40 year old single dude with a job, no kids, never married. Whether we would get along or even be attracted to each other who knows, but there are guys like me out there who do meet your basic criteria! I wonder the same things you do, but in reverse - how do I meet a single woman in her 30s? I think you are worrying a bit too much about "starting to show signs of age" - I'm not interested in some 24 year old. Age difference aside, I just don't think somebody in their 20s is really mature enough to have a serious relationship.

 

But while I'm not interested in a "Barbie", do I think being 20 pounds overweight is a big deal? YES. I would work on that first. You say you go to the gym on a daily basis, but I see a lot of people at the gym lollygagging and not really working out, so you might need to look at your workout routine and make sure you are actually being productive when you're there. Second, nutrition just as important as exercise. I was going to the gym a lot and was in pretty good shape (as far as how much heavy stuff I could lift, or how much cardio I could do) but I didn't LOOK any better until I really started to concentrate on my eating habits.

 

You say you don't have many friends to go out with, so you'll probably need to work on that, too. The wider your social circle, the more likely you'll be to meet somebody. The more stuff you do, the more chances you'll have.

 

(Also, to all the people saying that if a guy doesn't have kids by the time he's forty, he never wanted them - maybe he just never got into a relationship that would be suitable to bring children into the world! I think it is unhealthy how women put so much emphasis on just having kids, rather than first seeking a healthy relationship in which to have the kid. I think the desire to have kids should come from marital love, not from some overwhelming conscious decision to reproduce. A woman on a baby mission who only wants you as a sperm donor is very off-putting to most guys...)

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