One way to get over someone

[jaded123]

Some say to make a list of their annoying/bad parts, the ones you didn't like, to help you get over them.

 

But maybe, just forget entirely about listing or remembering the bad parts. Remember only their good parts. Accept the good parts, reject the bad ones and move on peacefully. Hope that similar good parts can be found again (they won't be exactly the same but does human nature change that much?)....

[Qac]

I really never felt that Human could change because maybe i took the world really straight. Just like you i got dumped from my ex. It was a shock, my world totally changed after that, i realized i was living in falsehood.

 

Remembering good things about them would only make you feel about them. The reason people say to write of bad things is because it eventually gets out from your creative brain and for some reason your feelings gets wasted.

 

I havent tried it yet so i cant say how much does this works but forsure, keeping good things in mind and then letting it go for GOOD ?

 

really? do you really want someone to remember for good things who dumped you and KICKED you soo easily ?

 

I WOULD NEVER EVER THINK OF IT!

[Hazyillusions]

I really don't think writing a list of negatives helps either. I mean if you truly do fall in love with someone, you get to a point where you are aware of their bad points and love them nevertheless...So making a list of their bad points isn't going to change a thing. You're already aware of them, you just choose to condone it because on the grander scale, they're awesome in some sort of way that's why you love them.

 

I just think people need to realise that sometimes the picture we have in our hands simply just doesn't fit the frame.

 

My ex was charismatic, thoughtful, brilliant intellectually, very attractive and had drive. He was talented, creative and athletic. He was HILARIOUS and opened my eyes to new things.

It just sucked that circumstantial reasons got in the way.

 

That's life I guess. Oh well.

[SooSad33]

Either way, you're going to continue to think of ALL things/memories about them. Even IF you try to come up with such 'bad' times. It's all within the 'processing' when dealing with your break up. All part of dealing with your loss.. On will come the negatives.. but also the positives.. and many more emotions.

Pain.. anger...sadness.. confusion...lonliness etc.

 

In the end though.. eventually we do our best to work on 'letting go' of them. I dont think it's possible to be able to have just the negative over rule the positives in this manner?

 

People may have broken up in anger or bad terms.. but over time, that may ease off and they do come to remember some of the good times during their involvement, again.

 

You could try and do it this way, but it may not be too healthy for you either. To try and stay on just the bad they've done.

Unless they are actually abusive, in which case, causes trauma. In that sense, yes, you'd be with some awful memories and after affects.

And that too, need to be addressed with some therapy, most likely.

 

I think what's best to do after a break up.. is just convince yourself,, for your own self worth, that THEY have lost something good. Someone who did deeply 'love' them and we tried. Is also their loss...

[ParisPaulette]

For me personally the list of negatives did help. It helped because I had zero willpower when it came to saying no to him at the time. It helped because time and time again he'd come around and actively work on reminding me about the good parts and I'd cave and off we'd go. Also I was finally so turned around and lost on what my perceptions were versus all of the "imaginary" things he claimed I was seeing and hearing and believing tha I needed to do it. I think if the breakup is a fairly amicable one then there's no point in a negative list. For me it was a lifeline, because once I'd written everything down I could see in black and white what everyone else had been telling me for years about him, also that I was actually alot more perceptive than I'd given myself credit for. I'd just refused to listen to myself or the people who really did love me at the time. Any time he tried to get me back, any time I wavered, I pulled the list out again to remind myself of why I wasn't going to go back to him. For me it was exactly what I needed to break a very bad habit.

 

After about a year I burned both that list and my journals in a bit of a drunken ceremony with a therapist friend as a way to let go of the past. At that point I had enough distance and I'd kept to NC faithfully except the one time he showed up at my favorite coffee shop demanding I take him back (long story there). It helped me get clarity and enough of a wake up call to break the on again/off again unhealthy relationship we had. Now three years later I do remember the good times and the good in him. I wish there were more of it. I wish things hadn't gone the way they had, but nostalgia doesn't color my perceptions of him. He's cheated on the two women he's been with since me and sadly I don't think he'll ever change. These days I just feel sorry for him when I do think of him and so does my current SO who met him several times. I'd be lying if I said it didn't boost my spirts a tiny bit when my SO hugs me and says, "Man I so wouldn't want to be him, look what he lost!" LOL

[jonyyy]

What if you don't have barely any negatives to think of? If you were so happy and accomplished with her, what do you think of?

 

Maybe in the negative actions and events that she did and led to the break up? But won't that be counter productive towards your healing?

[Chuckyd123]

I think remembering the good, until you're fully healed, is a bad idea. It will just make you want them back.

[ParisPaulette]

What if you don't have barely any negatives to think of? If you were so happy and accomplished with her, what do you think of?

 

What if you don't have barely any negatives to think of? If you were so happy and accomplished with her, what do you think of? Maybe in the negative actions and events that she did and led to the break up? But won't that be counter productive towards your healing?

 

Then I don't think making a list of the negatives is the right action for you to take. There are, as the song says, 50 ways to leave or get over a lover. Not everything will work for everyone in the same way, well except maybe no contact which I think helps everyone for one reason or another. In your case I think time and distance plus just finding something else to ignite passion in another area of life may be a better answer. My tactic was more something that I think works for those of us trapped in very toxic relationships who begin to doubt our own perceptions or refuse reality. At least that's what it did for me.

 

I have had other breakups including an ex-husband that were not as bad. My ex-husband and I actually parted on fairly amicable terms and in the beginning I missed him fiercely, but still knew it wouldn't work if ten years and even counseling hadn't made it work. I let him go with love and we've both found other people far better suited to each of us. We just married too young and at the time we thought marriage was the answer to everything without having any real clue about life. I never had anything negative to say about him and vice versa, just that we should never have been anything but friends.

[lostgirl123]

the funny thing is whenever your healing after a breakup, all you remember are the good things about them. you can make a list of negative traits to remind you of why you shouldn't be with that person again. i think it does help if you think long term wise. would you be able to deal with it 10 years from now? will she be able to give you the kind of relationship you desire?

[ChilliRed2013]

My partner left me for another. Failed the challenge of temptation and commitment. I know i passed those challenges twice in the relationship. You have to focus on an Exs major shortcomings at some point during healing in order to give you an objective view of why they are not a suitable partner for you. A dose of reality as to why it was not meant to be.

But i do find some solace in letting go and moving on with love instead of carrying anger or negativity with me.