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broke NC too early and feel like i'm starting all over


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I was dumped by my ex in early august. we dated for a little over a year. she dumped me because she said she didn't feel the same as she did in the beginning(so it was the end of the honeymoon phase for her) the honeymoon phase ended for me a while before, but i already decided to stick with it rather than ditch. 2 weeks after the break up I met up with her and she was laughing at everything I said, but I was still hurt emotionally, so I was begging for her instead of looking confident and being my smooth self. After a couple more painful phone calls I started NC. After almost 2 months I was starting to feel better, but still thought about her a lot. I invited her over to just hook up, and she declined, then that weekend she called me up in the middle of the night asking to come over. I said yes, and she came over, we hooked up, then she spent the night, we had breakfast together, and spent the day together. It was good but I still had tons of anxiety. She came over the next weekend and I did my best to act like my old self, like I wasn't into her, and she seemed to love it.

 

She lives an hour out of town, and only comes in on some weekends. After she left the 2nd time, she started texting me stuff about what she's doing, trying to be funny, and i responded to EVERYTHING and was a little too obvious. she definitely picked up that i still want to be with her, because I was responding as if I was trying to please her, instead of just being myself. so she told me something along the lines of 'i need you to understand we're just hooking up, i'm not trying to get back together with you.' i responded saying i understand, but felt defeated, which is a big red flag to myself. i shouldn't care! sometimes i get so anxious when talking to her, but i'm fine around other girls. maybe i'm afraid of more pain, so i act defensive, i also catch myself living in the past, where as she's extremely good at living in the moment, i was good at it to in the beginning, and i really want to get back to that. she came over one more time, making it the 4th weekend in a row. the sex wasn't that good, and it's largely due to how i acted around her. i let something she said really get to me and acted rude and snappy with her. i made her a little too important in my mind again and i acted upset, and i can't even remember the reason. she probably doesn't even remember it, all she remembers is how she felt when she left. and i think it was worse than how she felt when she came, because i was being such a downer. a partner getting upset about something tiny is definitely not a turn on. sometimes my self esteem is in the gutter around her, and i behave really weird. i feel like i'm doing everything wrong and that it's the last time she'll ever want to see me. and in thinking that, i act like that, and then she doesn't want to see me lol. i get really sad and rude, and upset, which turns her away in a heartbeat. it's this terrible insecurity about us that i developed in the last couple months of our relationship. maybe the key is to just not care and be happy. maybe it's an attachment complex because i grew up without a father. but mainly it's just me not being happy with myself. i've been really hard on myself about this break up(it's the first time i've ever really been dumped, I'm 23M). and i HATE that i act like this, i want to be care free, i want to just be happy regardless of what she says or does. i HATE putting that kind of pressure on her. i want to be my old self.

 

before i saw her i was starting to feel better, thus the invite. but it was too soon, and it seems like i ended up pushing her away again with my bad attitude and lack of confidence. the thing is I AM a confident, smooth guy with a good attitude, at least I was starting to feel somewhat normal just before she came over the first time.

 

I also noticed that when we started talking again she was very respectful and sweet, and the more I responded, the less sweet and respectful her texts became. i know she's not playing games, she's just being herself, and she's a very reactive person. so when she sees that i'm responding to everything with such enthusiasm, she gets bored. instead of being patient and taking it slow i lunged head first again, showed my cards again, and got pushed away again.

 

before this last weekend i called her and spoke for a bit, and asked if she was coming by, she said no. then sunday evening she called asking to stop by real quick. i missed her call. i called her when i saw the missed call and she seemed upset that i wasn't available, since she was gone already. i asked her to come over on my day off a couple days later but she said no. it's a long trip and it's a work day so i completely understand.

 

so we're back on talking terms, but i don't like the vibe. i know she's probably going on dates, and i should be completely ok with that, like i was when i first met her. i know that i'm not myself around her sometimes, and that i get anxious when before i would just be smooth and cool. i can be cool and smooth around her, but sometimes it takes so much will, and i slip up. it's not completely natural yet as it should be.

 

i want to take it slow, and not rush anything, since i'm not sure anything can even work between us. i wouldn't mind to continue hooking up with her, but i want to be my cool smooth self, not this anxious sad snappy that i am sometimes. i'm debating whether i should call and say we shouldn't talk or see each other for a while, or whether i should just ignore her, or just continue being available but be cool about it, or just be me and do whatever the hell i want. after showing that enthusiasm again, and having her push me away again, i feel like a dumb child. like i made the same mistake twice. like she was falling in love again and i rushed it, and blew it. and now if i call and say i don't want to talk or see each other for a while, maybe i'll come off as dramatic or something idk.

 

i know that if i take it slow, and not rush anything, she'll love it. i know she loves it when i do my own thing, when she's not the center of my world. i know that she loves it when i'm my confident happy smooth self and that's exactly what i want to be! she broke up with me because i made her my center, and was giving up on my own life for her, then i became too dependent on her for how i feel, and i would project my frustration on her, and she didn't like the pressure, which is completely understandable.

 

i don't think i have anything to worry about. i think i should just go on with my life, and if she comes by to hook up, then if i feel like it, to do it. otherwise i should keep focusing on self improvement until i'm back to normal. i just wish she'd know that i'm not stagnating, and that i'm not going to let myself stay like that, that i'm changing for me, back to my old happy self. i feel like since i've agreed to be a booty call, that i again look desperate to have her in my life, and that i'm not changing. so should i cut all ties to get the message accross?

 

any insight would be wonderful. i've never taken this long to get over someone, but i've also never been in such close contact with someone that i broke up with. and i've definitely never been a booty call for an ex, so it's all new. i feel like i just need to finish adapting to being alone, then i'll be ready for anything. should i mention to her that i don't like how i act around her sometimes and that that's not me, and that i'm still not back to normal? i feel like she might already know with how i've been acting, or that she doesn't care lol. i want to just focus on myself so i can get back to my normal happy self.

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Look, your problem here is that you still have romantic feelings for her and she isn't interested in being anything but a friend or an occassional FWB. So you being 'cool', 'smooth' or anything else, she is just not interested in because she's not interested in going back to being your GF again. She probably starts to push away whenever you start acting like you want it to go back to a romance rather than just be her buddy. You think you can ease her back into being your GF again, but she's only interested in non-committal FWB. So you get this push and pull going, where you want a romance and she only wants FWB, so you want different things out of this relationship while you try to convince yourself that FWB will be OK.

 

Just be honest with her... tell her FWB doesn't work for you, and you want a relationship, and if she doesn't want the same, then it is better to just cut this off and move on.

 

And why are you putting so much effort into trying to turn yourself into someone who likes booty calls and casual sex with an ex when obviously that's not what you really want? Why not put your efforts into finding a real relationship and someone who wants to be with you rather than just use you for sex when she's in the mood? Being 'back to normal' doesn't mean tolerating FWB sex just because she wants it and won't agree to more. Going back to normal means finding a girl who actually wants to be in a normal relationship with you.

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you're right... i guess i just have hope for what could be, but i can't keep tearing myself up about it. she never went more than 2 weeks without talking to me when we broke up. i tried to ignore her until i was better but caved before i was ready.

 

normally i just wouldn't turn down sex, so that's why i feel i should keep doing it lol. but then she can toy with me and start doing romantic stuff like she did before(spending the night, cuddling, eating out together) then tell me she's not interested in more than sex.

 

is there an answer here that would involve staying FWB?

 

i feel like if i call and basically say 'i need more from you or it's over', it will only make me high maintenance or something, like some chick. if i say nothing and let this continue i guess i just look like i don't have the balls to say what i really feel, and then i'll eventually get hurt again when she finds someone else. i'm being such a chick about this whole thing.

 

when we first started seeing each other it was only physical, and we were both using each other for sex and loved it, and then it turned into more. that's what it feels like we tried to do again, except my heads in the wrong spot. gah this sucks...

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Yes, you are starting all over again w/ the healing process of the break up. Ouch!! It doesn't sound like you're going to get anything more than FWB from her, no matter how you act or what you say. I think going NC again is the best option or you're just going to get strung along and used and keep feeling miserable.

And why are you putting so much effort into trying to turn yourself into someone who likes booty calls and casual sex with an ex when obviously that's not what you really want? Why not put your efforts into finding a real relationship and someone who wants to be with you rather than just use you for sex when she's in the mood? Being 'back to normal' doesn't mean tolerating FWB sex just because she wants it and won't agree to more. Going back to normal means finding a girl who actually wants to be in a normal relationship with you.

 

Totally agree! Let her go and move on so you can heal and then be open to a meaningful relationship.

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It is VERY hard to let go- but this is what YOU have to do....

What you're doing here is continously tormenting yourself, over her! You can't keep doing this. It is ruining you emotionally time and time again. You're thinking so much and 'hoping' but it is not working that way.

 

In order for you to be able to get over her' accept' this break up and eventually move on is to just STOP everything with her. There should be NO reason for any further interaction.

Time do deal with your mental & emotional health here. Time to back off and take care of YOU.

It WILL be very hard to deal with for the next few months. You will have numerous overwhelming feelings, like, lonliness, denial, confusion, sadness, anger, etc.

 

During this time you need to take care of YOU as you work on 'accepting' your loss. Get your rest, eat well, exercise. Get out with some friends/family etc.

 

In time, things will ease off for you but it won't happen in a week or a month. It just the process.. of letting go.

As well, I do suggest you do not look at running into another relationship, until you know you are over her, feeling better and 'happy' with yourself again.

 

Like I mentioned- do not give in to her little 'wants' about getting together. That's selfish. Give yourself that strength to say NO. No more to do with her, until or unless she ever comes back and says she DOES want to get back together to try again. Other than that? She gets nothing....

 

Take care... you're not alone.

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you guys are making sense, and it's hard to argue with lol. basically what you're saying is to grow a pair, tell her what i want, and be fine with saying no if we don't want the same thing and she doesn't want to work on it. makes sense to me. i'll see if she wants to get some grub together, if not i guess i'll just tell her over the phone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

just an update. i respect everything that you guys told me, i guess i'm just doing this to teach myself.

 

i let her come over again this weekend, and we had a good time. then when it was time to part ways i got upset over nothing and acted cold and distant.

 

as with every contact i've had with her, i'm over analyzing the last thing i said. when we were parting ways i was clearly trying to get accross that i was upset(even though i had no good reason to be upset), instead of bringing it up, which is an immature thing to do. before getting upset i was fine the whole time. now it's as if i was faking the whole time or something since i got upset at nothing just before saying goodbye. i'm just adapting to being alone but when i see her the clock seems to reset. i almost want to call her and say that i'm just adapting to being alone, and that i'm not that rude with anyone else. and that i'm borderline acting out of spite because she's getting what she wants and i'm not. i want to be the guy she met in the beginning, the happy care free guy. but i feel like i can't become that guy as long as i keep thinking we can get back together.

 

i really really hate the idea of calling her and telling her we can't talk or see each other anymore... but for over a week i'm thinking that it's the only option that will give me peace of mind. at the same time i don't mind the hooking up...

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You should not call and definitely not apologize. Just do it. You owe her NOTHING!

 

but i was the one to invite her over when i wasn't ready, and she was the one to doubt it at first and said 'i don't think that would be fair to you' but i convinced her to come anyway lol. i guess i'm just finding excuses to blame myself. sucks that our last goodbye was so crappy argh.

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No Contact is the best thing I have done for myself. I realized recently that I was just fooling myself thinking I was doing NC but still trying to keep tabs on her. Since I made the commitment to stop that a few days ago I feel better.

 

You have no reason to call or apologize. It won't make you feel better.

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i guess i just won't call....fudge.... i don't want her to think i'm not changing..... but i care too much about what she thinks right now, thats the problem...

 

I understand you feel that way and I am actually in the same position as you are. Ex strung me along for months. Saying the exact same thing as you describe 'it wouldn't be fair to you'. So I asked 'so you want to break up then' and she said 'i don't know' and I allowed to be her doormat for the past couple of months until I needed HER bc I was feeling down, all of a sudden she claimed her space. So now I'm Hurting bad and still caring for what she thinks. I'm preoccupied with it. It takes up nearly all my free time. But I will try my best not to give her an ego boost by calling, texting, or contacting her in any way and I have come to see I really do not need to apologize fpr anything! Never ever lower yourself to saying sorry for how you feel. If anyone should be saying sorry here, it's her. Do not call.

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at times i have a good realization, that i was in a hard time, in a hard place, and she didn't want to be there for me. that's not her fault, but i should stop making the mistake of thinking her love will be rekindled. that's such a tormenting mindset. the right mindset seems to be settling in by me not reaching out and apologizing for how i was upset. it's liberating! i feel better already! still feel like calling and being real with her at times, but i don't think she cares, and she left me, so yeah, i don't need to do anything except work on myself and become a better me.

 

thanks for all the wise words guys!

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and now again this morning i feel like it's the gentleman thing to do to just come clean and say something like 'i feel like i was acting immature when we were saying goodbye, it's because i still have feelings for you, and when we have sex i have trouble managing those feelings'

 

right now i just look like i was an ass for no reason... i hate being rude to her

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Going No Contact so you can heal from a breakup is NOT RUDE.

 

And it's not "gentlemanly" or "polite" to continue to act like a doormat and continually apologize for things you've said and done.

 

It needs to stop -- for YOU, for YOUR healing. It's not rude, it's respecting yourself enough to put yourself first.

 

Here's a guide that will help you with going and staying No Contact: link removed

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that site seems down right now. i'll check for it periodically.

 

yeah it needs to stop, again... but i feel like apologizing will make me feel better, like i'll be leaving it saying i know i did wrong and i'm sorry. and that i'm working on it. at the same time that makes it look like i look forward to seeing her again.

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that site seems down right now. i'll check for it periodically.

 

yeah it needs to stop, again... but i feel like apologizing will make me feel better, like i'll be leaving it saying i know i did wrong and i'm sorry. and that i'm working on it. at the same time that makes it look like i look forward to seeing her again.

 

If apologizing will make you feel better, then go ahead and write up an apology and post it on the "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" thread.

 

It's NOT just a need to be gentlemanly or polite -- you have a motive beneath your actions, which is to try and manipulate her feelings about you, and ultimately to get back together.

 

Just give it a rest for now. Walk away and stop this hurtful back and forth. It's not good for either one of you.

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If apologizing will make you feel better, then go ahead and write up an apology and post it on the "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" thread.

 

It's NOT just a need to be gentlemanly or polite -- you have a motive beneath your actions, which is to try and manipulate her feelings about you, and ultimately to get back together.

 

Just give it a rest for now. Walk away and stop this hurtful back and forth. It's not good for either one of you.

 

I really like your posts. They gave me a lot of insight. Thanks.

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I thought I was reading my story when reading your situation! Bro, I did and went through the exact same things you are in the midst of right now for 2 years after we break up! The bottom line is these two points....

 

1. You want a relationship and are not OK with being FWB's no matter how much you try to accept it and justify it. Every time you get together you feel hope and are on a high that she might change and come back to you. Then you realize it's not gonna happen and get upset at yourself for compromising your values and what you want.

 

2. She is just not that into you anymore and is looking for a new man. She is totally OK with using you for sex and emotional and physical comfort until she finds someone. However, if you keep causing her to feel bad about the FWB situation she will dump you like a hot potato.

 

I think this has a lot to do with your abandonment issues and she is a huge trigger for you. It's kinda like if you can win her back she makes your past OK and the pain go away. I can promise you that is not the case. You eventually will have to face it.

 

This is really more about you than her. You are not able to let her go even though in your heart you know you need to because she will not give you what you want. The longer you stay in this and compromise and settle, the more angry you will become and the more your self esteem and self respect will be damage.

 

Take a look at some of my posts starting early 2010 through 2011. You will see we are very much the same. The difference is that I finally cut her off and have not spoken to her in two years. I then went and worked on myself and dealt with my issues.

 

I hope the best for you. PM me anytime if you need to talk.

 

Blessings,

LNL

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i think the only option i have is to just come clean to her... i think it will make me feel better. idk why when i was being mean to her i wasn't thinking about whether i'll regret the behavior or not. my mind was all caught up in emotion. i really want to explain my behavior to her but i have a feeling at this point she won't care, so i'll just tell her my decision, that i can't see her because i'm getting too emotional. she'll understand... she always does.

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