I always get "confused" at the beginning of a relationship

[Stillhope]

Please bear with me as I don't really know how to put this into words properly...

 

So every time I start a fresh relationship with someone I really like obviously the infatuation stage always kicks off, but then say a month? into the relationship my romantic feelings take a back seat and I don't really feel a whole lot for maybe a week, and then the feelings start to ramp up again and I'm happy.

 

I honestly don't know any other way to put it into words. This time around I've met someone truly incredible and I absolutely adore his company and truly look forward to what the future holds for us, but my feelings dropped out again and even though deep down I know I really like him I can't feel anything right now. (I feel basically like just a normal person would feel on an average day)

 

I know it's harmless to me and that the feelings will be back soon and I can sort of feel them underneath my emotional barrier because he is AMAZING!, but the fact that it even happens kind of bothers me because I get a little scared every time around that I've screwed something up, even though it will all be fine.

 

Basically what I'm wondering is, does anyone else have this happen too? Is this normal?

[Kendahke]

It may be that you go through a paradigm adjustment period when you enter into a new relationship when you experience this. It's like you're busting out the walls in order to open the space up to include them in your heart, soul and life. This may be a good thing, really, since you say you bounce back.

 

As long as you're both taking things at a good pace and aren't getting ahead of yourselves, I wouldn't worry about it. Just continue on and keep the expectations of each other in check. And keep communication open and honest. That is the best advice anyone can give you when you're at the beginning of a new involvement. Let them feel that they can be themselves with you and they must do the same for you. Your feelings will build if you feel accepted for who you are at the outset.

 

I just began a new relationship and about a few weeks in, I kind of went through a withdrawing period, too. And it was just like I said above... an adjustment period where I had to shift my thinking from I/me to us/we. It was then that I decided to trust my feelings about him and to really listen and watch what he was doing and saying, not what I was thinking he was doing and saying. He has been rock solid in his consistency--very, very important. Since I've decided to relax into him and this, things have been amazingly wonderful.

 

Trust the process and don't rush it. Listen to what he's saying. Pay attention to his consistency. Keep communication open and honest. Tell the truth to each other, even if it's something you may not want to hear. Better to proceed on the truth than to tip over the precipice based upon a lie.

[Batya33]

It's because your focus is far too much on how you feel about you when you are into someone rather than loving as giving. When the focus is loving as giving -giving to the other person - then you will stop taking your emotional temperature as much and expecting to feel a certain way all or most of the time. It's normal for the infatuation to wear off especially if the person was a challenge to get but what should replace it is still a type of excitement -perhaps a quieter excitement -but the excitement of feeling at home with someone (even if you're not yet in love).

 

If that doesn't feel exciting for you then perhaps you're at the stage where you mostly enjoy the thrill of the chase and you'll be in that "grass is greener" mode where you look for someone new every few months to get that high again-because that mostly self-absorbed feeling of being infatuated is more important to you than valuing the giving, the being inspired to give (and receiving too!) that is more prevalent in a long term relationship than crazy in-love/infatuated feelings.

[Stillhope]

I understand infatuation and post-infatuation (longest relationship I've ever been in is two years and the "infatuation" lasted all throughout that too), it's just about a month in my feelings totally drop off the radar and then come back a week or so later and last....well again the max has been two years. It's just this one week thing that confuses me, because it's a completely empty feelings in a way.

 

I'm actually quite scared to feel infatuated because of how much I've been hurt in the past and have this stupid emotional barrier thing that I can almost feel, that usually takes some time to go away as well, because of how scared I get. Trying to take it totally easy now and not mess anything up because this man is such an amazing person! So I don't particularly feel as if this applies to me because I'm in it for all the right reasons, it's just a random thing that happens to me every time a relationship is initiated :S

 

Kendahke I love your post, I feel as if the withdrawing period applies. Maybe I'm just a little scared?

[Stillhope]

Post infatuation is something that will be new to me also I suppose and I'm aware that people often confuse it with "falling out of love" and it messes up relationships because of that lack of understanding. Is it a shock to the system, and do people go through a confused "unsure about the relationship" stage? I've never felt that way before so I guess being aware and mental preparedness can be a good thing.

[Kendahke]

Oh sure! With anything new there is some level of trepidation. I went through a "am I ready for this? Is this what I want?" The answer, for me, was "yes, this is exactly who I want" based upon his consistency. He has never wavered or been occlusive in his intent or declaration for me.

 

Take some time to get to know his mind, how he thinks. Send him (or ask him) a list of questions about things which are extremely important to you to answer. We did that with each other and it really helped to ascertain our compatibility with each other. Use this time to your advantage so that you can make an informed decision. You won't operate from a place of fear when you have answers.

[Stillhope]

We've already gone through all those motions, we have basically identical values on EVERYTHING. We've already had so many deep conversations on a large variety of subjects, and also we've been friends for two years prior to our relationship which helps a lot as well. Just thinking about it almost makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside (stupid emotional barrier) I know it will go away in time, so I suppose for me it's just a matter of time. My deep-seated fear is something I definitely need to get over because this wonderful man does not deserve to be punished for how others have treated me in the past

[Batya33]

You need to see how he is in a romantic relationship too and deep talks can't speed up that process or replace getting to know someone over a period of time -you need to see what he's like when he has a cold, when it's a holiday, when he's had a bad day at work or an excellent day -deep talks can't replace experiencing the ups and downs and boring times of life. The next time you feel empty, instead of focusing on your own feelings or emptiness think of some way you can be giving to him - refocus on that rather than focusing inward. Relationships have far more to do with outward giving than inward analysis of your emotional temperature, IMO.

[Stillhope]

I already do consider all of those things, and I look forward to getting to know him completely - the good and the bad, however what you're saying about thinking about what I can give him depending on the situation is good. I feel as if overall I have a very good attitude towards relationships and the fact that they're meant to be a life partnership, supporting each other through thick and thin blah blah... I was just confused when I get to this one point every time, AGAIN non-threatening to the relationship, I just know that it's there one time only per relationship usually around the same time period as the other occurrences, and I simply wanted to know what it was and/or what causes it.

[Stillhope]

I totally get what you're saying though

[Batya33]

I already do consider all of those things, and I look forward to getting to know him completely - the good and the bad, however what you're saying about thinking about what I can give him depending on the situation is good. I feel as if overall I have a very good attitude towards relationships and the fact that they're meant to be a life partnership, supporting each other through thick and thin blah blah... I was just confused when I get to this one point every time, AGAIN non-threatening to the relationship, I just know that it's there one time only per relationship usually around the same time period as the other occurrences, and I simply wanted to know what it was and/or what causes it.

 

I gave you my opinion on what causes it but it's ok if you don't agree. I don't think that all relationships need to be a life partnership, I just gave my opinion on a giving mindset v. a constant "am I feeling the right way".

[Stillhope]

I know, I'm just trying to say I already have the mindset you're suggesting. It just confuses me every time I start a relationship and about a month in my feelings completely drop out as if I never felt anything for the guy, that's got to be a cause for concern right?

[Batya33]

I know, I'm just trying to say I already have the mindset you're suggesting. It just confuses me every time I start a relationship and about a month in my feelings completely drop out as if I never felt anything for the guy, that's got to be a cause for concern right?

 

Yes but I am suggesting not to the extent you are concerned about it and I also suggested ways to resolve/combat it -if you had the mindset I suggested and it was strong enough then those rollercoaster emotions you experience would be more of a blip on the radar and less serious than you are taking it because the foundation of the relationship would be stronger and not based as much on taking your emotional temperature.

 

Here is what you wrote "and then the feelings start to ramp up again and I'm happy" -if that is what your happiness/relationship satisfaction is based on to too much of an extent then you don't have the mindset I'm suggesting. (and you need not, just explaining my opinion).

[Stillhope]

Perhaps I've just worded this poorly, I didn't really know how to define it in the first place because the fact that it even happens in the first place is strange to me. I just wanted to know what it was. I'm not freaking out over it or anything because I know that it seems to be a normal process as my romantic emotions are naturally progressing so I was just curious. I totally respect your opinion though, this once-per-relationship occurrence just confuses me :S

[Batya33]

Perhaps I've just worded this poorly, I didn't really know how to define it in the first place because the fact that it even happens in the first place is strange to me. I just wanted to know what it was. I'm not freaking out over it or anything because I know that it seems to be a normal process as my romantic emotions are naturally progressing so I was just curious. I totally respect your opinion though, this once-per-relationship occurrence just confuses me :S

That's good that you're not allowing it to derail the progress of the relationship.