Training Wheels

[elsenyor]

These last few days I've been on a trip with 8 of my friends in the alps snowboarding and skiing. It's been a lot of fun to say the least, however I feel like there's a slight problem with me.

 

Even though I'm out here having fun I still often catch myself thinking about my ex, I know this is normal and even though we went out officialy 1 year 1 month, unoficially a total of 1.5 years and having been broken up since April I still probably have a ways to go before she completely disappears from my mind.

 

Though I think that I've developed a sort of odd habbit, and I would definitely like feedback on this.

 

Whenever I think about my ex or feel down for whatever reason I catch myself coming to ENA just to read other's posts for the most part. There's something comforting in it, however it feels as if ENA has become a sort of a crutch, a set of training wheels that I'm hooked on to until I can finally stand on my own two feet without any assistance.

 

The problem I have with this is that ENA is the community I've been searching for, kind members, has a wide gamma of topics that aren't just relationships but self help as well and has tons of useful advice thanks to the collective wisdom of the forum members.

 

But the question remains, is ENA a set of training wheels? Is it stunting my healing, does coming back to the forum somehow keep you still tied to your ex and thinking about them? After all everytime we read a breakup story, give advice on their stituation or even talk about your own issues you're recalling your own experiences and keeping the ex ever present.

 

Should I be weaning off the forum and then revisit in a future, maybe go cold turkey and take off the training wheels? Has anyone else ever experienced these same thoughts?

[Kendahke]

I think ENA is more of a support community with a myriad of pools from which to drink, depending upon your needs at the time you come for sustenance.

 

Until something happens in your life to make you put your ex and their memories in the garbage, it's natural to think about them. Now, if you were still doubled over in a fetal position, bawling your heart out, creeping on their social media, blowing NC to the other side of the universe and then coming here to wail about it, then yeah, I would say you were using this for a crutch to not let go. And believe me, I've seen posts on other forums from people who took MONTHS and thousands of responses to move them one step further in their process of getting over their ex. From the threads of yours that I've read, you are nowhere near being in that mind set.

 

When you get up each day, promise yourself "no expectations today". Live in the moment, experience things in "the now". Dont' think about the past, dont' think about the future. Be present and grateful. Work on becoming the kind of sunshine that everyone turns their heads and wants to be a part of, like a flower reaching for the sun's rays.

[Mesemene]

I think it's more of a "catchall" support group.

 

While there are support groups out there, a lot of them are very specific - families of this, survivors of that - and not everyone feels the description or the "cause" is a good fit. And it prevents some of us from getting support, even though we'd be welcome, because we just don't feel we belong properly.

 

Where here, with the hundreds and hundreds of stories, survivors, and ongoing ebb and flow of life decisions, there's almost certainly something to relate to, and somewhere you feel a part of.

 

I don't consider it a detriment to healing any more than a support group or therapist. It makes us think, answer for our actions, and actually consider "what the heck am I doing and more importantly, why?"

 

After that it can be a touchstone - to reach out and try and help others who are drowning by offering that dim light at the end of the tunnel. And we can continue to grow. Even when "the problem," you know the one I mean, the one that brought you here, is resolved or well on the way, we all have bad and good days. And it feels good to have friendly ears to unload on, or be able to offer a bit of a pick me up to someone who is down.

 

A good warm blanket feels good in the winter. It doesn't mean we're weak because we don't choose to shiver in the cold.

[Shainet]

Im like you op! Everyday i log in to ena and just read here. It's been 25 days nc for me and ena has helped me stick to nc. But im starting to be dependent on it to feel ok.

[Newbuck80]

I'm in the early stages of healing, and I have found ENA very helpful, for whatever reason. Loke last night, I had a little "episode" where I became a little worked up about my breakup. I came on here and simply put a post up describing what I was feeling, when a week ago I would have stewed on it all night. Shortly after I felt better. I think having a place to vent to people who are either going through the same thing, or who have once been in your shoes is beneficial. I also believe that after a while we will have to distance ourselves from the forum to finally be over our heartbreak once and for all.

[FindingClarity]

I can totally relate to your post....I am now 2.5 months post BU and at times I have felt that I have spent too much time on here when maybe I should have been forcing myself to do other things to get myself to heal. I still visit here and read every day and I still think about my ex what feels like ALL the time, thought the intensity and types of those thoughts are lessening.

 

Yes, it is a crutch here, but in a good way I think. At the end of the day when you can't hide behind work anymore, and your friends are not around you....well this is a place where you can come....and even if you don't post yourself I often find as I go along someone is always at my stage or has a new emotion that I can now relate to, and it helps me process that emotion and I hope this is helping me on faster, or if not faster than in a more healthy manner and more able to understand myself so that actually the grief has some positive outcome.

 

I also notice that although I spend a lot of time on the breaking up forums still I have branched out to looking at some of the other topics now! Its all progress!

[elsenyor]

I'm finally back from my trip (that was fun, long and exhausting), I've been wanting to reply but without a keyboard it was a bit of a pain lol.

 

Until something happens in your life to make you put your ex and their memories in the garbage, it's natural to think about them.

 

Kendahke, thank you. This part really speaks to me! I was concerned that this thinking / reliving memories / experiences and still having this "weak spot" for her after so much time was really me not healing. It's my first breakup and I have no idea what is and what isn't normal after a certain amount of time post breakup.

 

I know that there are many amazing things in my life going on constantly, it's never ending but at times even though these instances do take place I can't help but wish to share the experiences with her, more so than her I'm guessing it's with a SO. I probably miss being in love and having someone there for me and vice versa. Don't get me wrong i'm fairly happy with myself.

 

When you get up each day, promise yourself "no expectations today". Live in the moment, experience things in "the now". Dont' think about the past, dont' think about the future. Be present and grateful. Work on becoming the kind of sunshine that everyone turns their heads and wants to be a part of, like a flower reaching for the sun's rays.

 

Having no expectations is easy, it's essentially how I live... living in the moment though is easier said than done, it's hard not to be in your head unless there's a distraction that's able to consume all of your attention, even then sometimes it's a "wish she were here to see _____" or "she would love _____". It doesn't ruin my fun or my experiences for the most part but I just would love to get those thoughts out of the way. They're tiring lol.

 

I don't consider it a detriment to healing any more than a support group or therapist. It makes us think, answer for our actions, and actually consider "what the heck am I doing and more importantly, why?"

 

After that it can be a touchstone - to reach out and try and help others who are drowning by offering that dim light at the end of the tunnel. And we can continue to grow. Even when "the problem," you know the one I mean, the one that brought you here, is resolved or well on the way, we all have bad and good days. And it feels good to have friendly ears to unload on, or be able to offer a bit of a pick me up to someone who is down.

 

So true, it is definitely like a support group. I'm in the process of trying to increase my EQ (emotional quotient) and you definitely hit the hammer on the nail, there's a part about "why do I do the things I do and why do I do them" to increase self awareness, and this forum definitely does help with that. It also helps with the journalist aspect of your own life.

 

What you say about helping others who are drowning is also spot on, I remember coming here and seeing others going through the same thing just further along down the tunnel and I don't think I'd be where I am without the help of others. It definitely hasn't been easy but it has helped and I do find myself giving similar suggestions to the ones I fought against so hard earlier on in my journey.

 

Though I still find myself in limbo, I'm in between the tunnel of healed and not healed and I don't know what it is that keeps me in this limbo. I still have a soft spot for her and the memories we shared (including the breakup). I feel like a little kid inside who probably could not describe what he feels without breaking down if he had to describe the whole process. These are the emotions I'd be feeling sort of when speaking about the topic: lol, writing though I have no problems.

 

A good warm blanket feels good in the winter. It doesn't mean we're weak because we don't choose to shiver in the cold.

The cold is what separates real men from kids, real men don't feel cold hahaha jk, yeah you're right very good analogy.

 

 

As for everyone else you're all on the early stages of healing and have a long ways to go! Keep it up, we'll all get out of it sooner of later I imagine