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Self-Esteem at an all time low...advice please.


Nessa46

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So I wrote a previous thread about this situation from a while ago, but lately it has chose to resurface. So I'm in a very small, close knit program at school and I had a bit of a whirlwind romance with one of my classmates last year. It got complicated because his best friend who was a girl had feelings for him and when she found out we hooked up...all hell broke loose, so we decided to let things end and he went home for the summer and I stayed here (5 hours from him). I didn't think anything was going to transpire in September when school started again and because of all the drama we went through last year I kept my guard up because I was really hurt and felt some what used.

 

The first few weeks of school we didn't talk. Then the first year party came around and once a bit of alcohol was in our systems we just couldn't stop talking to each other. We spent the whole night at the party together, showed up at the bar together, left together and went home together but nothing happened it was completely platonic. Ever since then he took a real interest in hanging out with me, texting me etc. We enjoyed spending time together and there was a chemistry that was undeniable. The best friend in question isn't in our year this year but she is in first year because she failed so we weren't too worried about being subtle about things. People thought we were dating but I assured them we weren't because well we weren't and I didn't want my guard to come down for the chance of getting hurt again.

 

This eventually lead to a night where we went out, just us two, had an amazing time and ended up back at my place. Cuddling and things ensued but no sex. He said he was too drunk and didn't want it to be that way which I respected. He kissed me in the morning and we went out for breakfast and I thought things were progressing. I have to admit that the next day at school I was very awkward and tried to brush it off like I didn't care and almost completely ignored him because I guess it was a defense mechanism.

 

Things were awkward at school but outside of school they were amazing. He came over and helped me move, hugged me and kissed me on the head. But then the dreaded night came where everything went down hill and hence my self-esteem...

 

We went out with a couple friends to a club. We weren't acting like a couple but when one guy asked if we were he just stood there with a blank stare. I assured him we weren't. He told me he wanted to go somewhere with just him and me a small quiet sit down place. I obliged as I don't like the club scene that much. We had a great time and he asked if he could crash at my place. I said yes. We got home and he placed himself on the couch. I asked him why not the bed? He was like oh no I'm good here. Eventually he was uncomfortable and made his way into my bed. Cuddling started but when it came time for the "deed" he gave me the "I don't like doing it when I'm drunk". I was dumb founded, hurt and felt totally out of place.

 

Now I know sex isn't the be all and end all of anything but it made me feel extremely unattractive and unwanted and confused. He got up super early and left with barely saying good bye. At school the next day I went in to study and he walked right by me without a word. I eventually texted him asking if we could talk he was in placement all weekend but he explained that he doesn't like hooking up with people he's not dating. I explained I had feelings for him and he stated he wasn't looking for a relationship because he was "messed up from the summer from a complicated relationship". I told him to be honest and he said he was just "picky".

 

My self-esteem shrunk. Even all of my friends were really surprised. I ended up going to talk to the "best friend" and basically he did the same thing to her. He treated her like a girlfriend but when it came to sex he opposed it because he didn't "feel that way" about her and then went and slept with me. I understood her hurt and anguish and now we have become really good friends out of this.

 

I guess my question is, why would I get lead on so bad if he wasn't attracted to me in the first place? And was the chemistry I was feeling ever genuine? I don't mean to sound self-indulgent, but I do have many offers from other prospects but I don't open myself up that easily unless I really connect with someone. He was someone I really connected with.

 

So I told him I was going to be MIA for a while. The day after this conversation he texts me something totally unrelated after I said I needed my space. I still catch him staring and giving me the same looks he used to give me that were very flirtatious. The other day he showed up at my house in the middle of the night to borrow my notes. But now, he acts like he doesn't even know me at school. Our friendship has just been abolished. I feel so unattractive and not up to anyone's standards and just sinking in this awful hole just as finals are coming up.

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not to give hope regarding the situation or anything but some questions do come to mind, it's probably not you or the other girl.

 

- is he asexual?

- is he a virgin?

- is he insecure about his size?

- does he sexually attract lots of women (he's eye candy for women)

 

when i was a virgin before my first time i was also scared to engage in sex and avoided it at all costs. i even used the "i dont like sleeping with people im not dating" excuse.i sabatoged lots of potential relationships due to this.

 

eventually though i dived head first and started sleeping around in order to "prepare" for the girl i liked. i didnt want our firsttime to be bad. then during this process i met my ex... now that exuse no longer arises.

 

i have a friend who also used a similair excuse because he assumed that by sleeping with someone once you hurt them automatically, he's now learned this isn't true.

 

in any case you're probably an amazing girl so don't let one rejection get you down. dont value your self worth based on others.

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I read your post and I thought "emotionally stunted man child." I've met some guys, been friends with those guys, who talk a big game about how good they are in bed, etc... make all sorts of suggestive remarks, but then when it's time to get down to it, they disappear. Elsenyor has some good ideas what could be going on. I think you should just forget this guy. Not only was he a crappy boyfriend, as a friend, he was really leading you on and not being good to you. Ugh. That's the downside of getting involved with your classmate....

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He is definitely not a virgin haha. But I wish the conclusion was that easy. I just felt so lead on. I am trying to let this one go, it's just hard seeing him everyday, it's like having that rejection all over again. I guess I'm just trying to figure out the reason, but sometimes I guess there isn't any.

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So I think he has started to move on to another girl in our program. I see the progression of what he did to me when he was interested in me. He keeps posting things on her wall and is around her all the time. The hurt is so painful right now having to see it everyday and knowing that that's what we used to be. This new girl is also his ex-best friend's really good friend, so I doubt she would attempt anything but she has already been with two guys in our program.

 

I just feel super confused and lost.

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So I think he has started to move on to another girl in our program. I see the progression of what he did to me when he was interested in me. He keeps posting things on her wall and is around her all the time. The hurt is so painful right now having to see it everyday and knowing that that's what we used to be. This new girl is also his ex-best friend's really good friend, so I doubt she would attempt anything but she has already been with two guys in our program.

 

I just feel super confused and lost.

 

try looking at it in a different light, this is probably a blessing in disguise. he's not taking any one of you individuals seriously, not even taking your feelings into consideration. forget the sex, imagine what a relationship with this man would be like, hint: probably not very good.

 

a man with some values would at the very least not be active about getting with other girls in front of one he had some attraction with, not until plenty of time has passed.

 

if you can't deal with it, just remove him from facebook, treat it like a break up.

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maybe he's gay and hasn't accepted that yet. I lost a good couple of years worried about this one guy who was always surrounded with the pretiest girls in town just to have him 'fess up to me that he was gay. he tried his best to be the straight men everybody expected, just couldn't. wrecked a couple of hearts in the way, that much I know.

 

many times we feel rejected when the real issue is the one person we wanted to want us not being able to follow through according to our ideal script. you are allowing yourself to feel hurt by someone who clearly can't connect on a deeper level. it's not like he's THE ideal mate, prince charming on a shiny armor and white horse, who just passed by your dungeon and decided to go to the next one because you are not pretty enough to be his princess, or your kingdom is not as wealthy as hers.

 

you are talking about some seriously troubled guy who is stuck to a pattern of self-assurance at cost of other people's self esteem. he didn't reject you, he abandoned you when you requested he gave you more in exchange for the validation you provided him. a social leech.

 

so stop whining, and be glad he let go.

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  • 3 weeks later...

So update...I went to the end of the year party and kept my guard up. He texted me that night asking me how I was getting to the party and said I could come over to his place before for some drinks. I left my car there and another one of our mutual friends drove us. The whole night he was by my side, and this was about a month after he told me he wasn't interested and then us ignoring each other for that time period.

 

Everyone came up to us and asked if we were dating and I said we weren't. I was super confused because he was acting like he was my boyfriend all night, after I had been torn up for him rejecting me. We went to the bar together and I separated from him and he went up to my close friends and asked where I vanished to. He clung to me the whole night and when I was about to leave he said "Don't leave without me". So as the night progressed we agreed to get a cab home together seeing as we live really close. My car was parked at his house so he told me just to crash there because there was a massive snow storm. I told him I'd sleep on the couch but he coaxed me into the bed and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. I know this is my own fault and I should have said know but my feelings overwhelmed me.

 

Before he told me he didn't like hooking up when he was drunk and with people he wasn't dating. He did both of those things AFTER I put all the cards on the table and told him how I felt. We've been friends for 2 years and I can understand him doing this to someone he doesn't know so well with not a lot of history but he knew all of my intentioned feelings. After it happened I told him it never should have.

 

But this is the weird part...someone at the party took a picture of us that was VERY couply looking. The day after it happened he changed his profile picture to that said picture and it is still up. I know it's just a picture, but it seems odd to me that after sleeping with someone who you knows has feelings put a picture like that up. He then went home for the holidays and I basically didn't hear from him at all. Today was my first day back of school and my defense mechanism was to ignore but it's hurting me so bad.

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girl, get yourself together. he's probably using your image to hurt someone else, it's not like he didn't do it before. I'd confront him on the use of the picture and ask him what his intentions are. pretending it's not happening will get you nowhere.

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So I finally did it, I called him over to chat. I ended the friendship and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. His response was super cold almost no emotion so I know I made the right decision as he's already moving on to someone else in the program. I met up with a mutual friend of ours for some drinks and she told me that he told her that he would never sleep with me sober.

 

It made me absolutely crumble and made me question my attractiveness and my already low self-esteem even worse.

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