alternatives to NC

[iamscrewed]

The other day I was reading about how a relationship is like a drug addiction, in the sense that after you breakup your brain is craving the chemicals (feelings) you had when you were in love. You are going through withdrawals in a sense. That being said, there are many drugs where it is not recommended to quit cold turkey, so why should a relationship be any different (i.e. no contact)? I know I'm probably wrong but I'd rather still be talking to my ex and gradually getting it in my head that I can't have her any more, rather than going straight from talking to her every day for 3 years to not talking at all. I feel like its too much of a shock to my brain. I know NC is the be all end all on most forums but what's everyones thoughts about trying it another way?

[Twidom]

Let's say you have a beer addiction. Drinking a beer every two days will make you stop? Most likely no. No-contact is hard yes but it's the best option. You can't forget someone if you keep in touch with them.

[Moontiger]

Agree with the above, if you are addicted to alcohol then you cannot have even one drink once a week. The reason people should not go cold turkey with certain drugs is because It can have serious medical consequences and even death in some cases. I have never heard of that happening with a break up.

 

Most drugs even do them just a little, maintain the addiction.

[jjkk]

Just like continuing to use a drug, even in smaller amounts keeps you addicted to and craving the drug, contacting an ex will do the same. With drugs that it's not recommended to go cold turkey you are weaned off using a different drug and in a controlled environment because addicts can't control their use. For example for a severe alcohol they may get Ativan, Librium, etc. to handle the withdrawal symptoms, not more alcohol. Fortunately w/ addictions to love or people or a certain feeling that isn't induced by a drug, going cold turkey won't kill you. It'll hurt like crazy but you will survive it. Staying in some contact will ease the pain for a few moments but you'll be right back to square one soon, over and over again. It will keep you addicted.

[iamscrewed]

I get what you guys are saying but its been a week of NC and I haven't made any progress. If contact puts you back to square one, I feel like I have nothing to lose because I haven't left square one in the first place. I feel like I should try something else

[Twidom]

I get what you guys are saying but its been a week of NC and I haven't made any progress. If contact puts you back to square one, I feel like I have nothing to lose because I haven't left square one in the first place. I feel like I should try something else

 

It's been only a week...Give it two months or so to START feeling a tiny bit different...Some people take half a year to get over their exes and other take years. A week will not feel any different.

[jjkk]

What are you doing to fill your time? Also, it takes time. It's a big adjustment and won't happen overnight. It can be a slow process. Just trust it'll get better and keep going. Some days will be easier than others and pretty soon the easier days and moments will last longer and be more frequent. In my experience, contact just makes it harder. Sorry it sucks, I know.

[Lambert]

Some days are better than others.... Just keep trying. In the long run you are better off not knowing what's going on with them. When you break up, you have to focus on you. Knowing how they are doing confuses the situation.

[Mesemene]

Most of those drugs that cold turkey isn't recommended is because of the physical effects of the physical withdrawal shock to the body.

 

For psychological addictions - a little is a little too much. Look at any addiction that withdrawal isn't life threatening - say, gambling with it's highs and lows.

 

Betting a dollar isn't safe, it doesn't help wean you away, and it DOES provide a toe in the doorway to make it 5 bucks at the track next week. You end up on a carousel of justifications that bring you right back to square 1.

 

And talking to your ex when she isn't interested is not only painful, if she's the skittish or dramatic type, or has a friend who is, you could find yourself at the wrong end of a TRO explaining to a judge how you just couldn't stop. How embarrassing could that be?

 

Take control. Getting past the first week to two weeks is hell. It doesn't get easy - but after you get over a few hurdles, you can use your progress to encourage yourself.

 

Set some goals, get out of your own head, get as busy as you can. If you don't have people who need to contact you, leave your cell at home when you head out to the store or for a walk. Delete her ringtone, disable FB. Scream if you need to. Just don't give in and accept misery as a state of being with no progress.

[iamscrewed]

I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather be miserable and talking to my ex than miserable and not talking to her.

 

A friend of mine went through a rough breakup last year, he kept texting his ex for months until he eventually found another girl. Then he went NC and now he's completely over her so that's why I'm thinking it could work for me too.

[iamscrewed]

Another factor is that neither me or my ex really have any friends (she has zero, I have a few that I see MAYBE once a week). So I'm pretty much alone without her. I feel like the loneliness might eventually get to her if she doesn't find anyone else for a while and then she might take me back. But I wouldn't bet anything on that happening

[Moontiger]

Another factor is that neither me or my ex really have any friends (she has zero, I have a few that I see MAYBE once a week). So I'm pretty much alone without her. I feel like the loneliness might eventually get to her if she doesn't find anyone else for a while and then she might take me back. But I wouldn't bet anything on that happening

 

You do realize that you sound just like a drug addict? "I have nothing but (insert unhealthy thing). Therefore, instead of improving my life, as painful as the process will be at first, I will continue (unhealthy thing).

 

A week is nothing. It will take much longer. You have moved inches, and slowly those inches will turn into miles. By going back now you would erase the hardest part of getting over someone.

[Moontiger]

Read this: link removed

[journeynow]

There is value in NC, but it doesn't have to be the only path. Our break up and healing may have been slower because we did not immediately go NC, but we navigated it that way. I don't regret it, but I may not do that in a different situation. It isn't for everyone or every case. And we did eventually go NC for a spell, as it was something I needed at that point. Going through a painful breakup is good motivation for developing a wider range of relationships, new friendships, and experiences.

[jonyyy]

The other day I was reading about how a relationship is like a drug addiction, in the sense that after you breakup your brain is craving the chemicals (feelings) you had when you were in love. You are going through withdrawals in a sense. That being said, there are many drugs where it is not recommended to quit cold turkey, so why should a relationship be any different (i.e. no contact)? I know I'm probably wrong but I'd rather still be talking to my ex and gradually getting it in my head that I can't have her any more, rather than going straight from talking to her every day for 3 years to not talking at all. I feel like its too much of a shock to my brain. I know NC is the be all end all on most forums but what's everyones thoughts about trying it another way?

 

I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather be miserable and talking to my ex than miserable and not talking to her.

 

A friend of mine went through a rough breakup last year, he kept texting his ex for months until he eventually found another girl. Then he went NC and now he's completely over her so that's why I'm thinking it could work for me too.

 

I totally understand where you're coming from. I thought that too a couple of months back, although I was in a different situation. I thought that since we were also best friends, at least I could enjoy her support and friendship. It wouldn't be so brutal.

 

The problem is if you continue contact you feed hope. And as soon as you start to see her moving on, dating, being with other guys, it will hurt you BAD.

[Tanzi]

I get what you guys are saying but its been a week of NC and I haven't made any progress. If contact puts you back to square one, I feel like I have nothing to lose because I haven't left square one in the first place. I feel like I should try something else

 

A week? That's nothing. Getting over someone can be a long journey but the more you help yourself, the quicker the journey. At least with NC you are giving yourself the chance to EVENTUALLY get off square one. If you keep going back to square one then you will NEVER progress.

 

Before we can start moving on we have to accept what is happening and that alone can take a while. All these emotions that you have to go through will process a lot quicker when contact isn't holding you back and stopping you from being able to disconnect from your ex.

 

I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather be miserable and talking to my ex than miserable and not talking to her.

 

A friend of mine went through a rough breakup last year, he kept texting his ex for months until he eventually found another girl. Then he went NC and now he's completely over her so that's why I'm thinking it could work for me too.

 

Then you will continue to STAY miserable and miss the opportunity to move on and find happiness.

 

What worked for your friend might not work for you. You could be far more emotionally attached to your ex than he was. Therefore all the while you are still hanging onto your ex you might not be able to let anyone else in. He may have got lucky and someone else came along who bowled him over. That doesn't mean it is going to happen that way for you too ... meaning you could be hanging onto your ex for a lot longer. How will you feel if, in the meantime, she meets someone else or tells you that you have to quit contacting her?

 

No-one HAS to stick to NC ... it is your choice but if you want to give yourself the chance to move on quicker and to avoid additional pain then it is the best choice. It's totally up to how you want to play it though.

[iamscrewed]

I definitely agree that NC is the only way to go if she finds someone else. But until then...

 

It's also worth noting that by not contacting her, that wouldn't stop me from knowing if she ever finds someone else. One of my good friends is her brother

[Mesemene]

You're in that stage of grief known as bargaining.

 

And anything that has logic works as long as it means you're not facing the most brutal part of the truth.

 

It's also worth noting that by not contacting her, that wouldn't stop me from knowing if she ever finds someone else. One of my good friends is her brother

 

You could also just ask him not to give you any updates - but that doesn't fit in with your bargaining with yourself.

 

I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather be miserable and talking to my ex than miserable and not talking to her.

 

Apples and oranges. Miserable without her is putting together a daily routine and self-care that revolves around you, and not supporting her and a relationship. Miserable with is avoiding letting go, and just prolonging the time til something you will need to do anyway.

 

A friend of mine went through a rough breakup last year, he kept texting his ex for months until he eventually found another girl. Then he went NC and now he's completely over her so that's why I'm thinking it could work for me too.

 

Sure, it could happen. However, you're looking at her as a lifeline, not as weaning away to move on. Your friend didn't go NC after months to move on - whether intentional or not, he used his ex as an emotional crutch/net to get over her. Now, there are hundreds of people on here who tried to be the "bigger" person and stay friends with their ex, only to discover they helped their ex move right on along. Ask them how it made them feel to look back and realize they'd helped their ex get over them while making themselves miserable.

[iamscrewed]

My ex is already over me, and told me that she wants to be friends after I'm over her. She even offered to be my “wing woman" in finding another girlfriend. In case you're wondering the reason for our breakup was she felt that she loved me but wasn't “in love" with me anymore

[kitkat620]

Another factor is that neither me or my ex really have any friends (she has zero, I have a few that I see MAYBE once a week). So I'm pretty much alone without her. I feel like the loneliness might eventually get to her if she doesn't find anyone else for a while and then she might take me back. But I wouldn't bet anything on that happening

You're looking for excuses and reading between the lines searching for the OK to stay in contact with her. One week is nothing. It takes months to feel better over a bad breakup (and to kick a drug habit), and by staying in contact you aren't giving yourself the chance to heal (just as going from shooting up heroin 5 times a week to 3 doesn't help you kick that habit). As with kicking a drug habit, going cold turkey is horrible at first, but once you get past the hardest part at the beginning, you will slowly start to feel better and think more clearly.

Also, you would want her back even if she comes back out of loneliness for companionship and not for the reason that she loves you and can't live without you? You are at a very sad place right now. You need to fill your time doing things to keep your mind occupied and off of her. Most people have only a few good friends and now is the time you need to spend more time with them and keep busy and try and have some fun.

But in the long run, only you know what you are capable of and I have a feeling it is going to be continuing to contact her until she breaks your heart even further when she tells you she has found someone else and wants you to leave her alone. Do you really think you will handle that much better then than you do now?

[firefly2613]

There's just no alternative.

 

It's a long road but the only road.

[SooSad33]

So, it sounds like she's admitted she's not in love with you anymore?

I think you're in a stage of 'denial'. That's normal after a break up and 'loss'. We find EVERYTHING very difficult to deal with and are heartbroken.

Yes, you will feel sad, lonely, confused, anger, denial, etc. for a long time. Can take months. BUT you do not 'need' to turn to an ex to help you with it...

She 'chose' to walk away. She doesn't want you in her life.. then don't be in it...at all.

 

No contact.. no calls.. no emails, nothing! Let her realize what her life is without you and to where she can 'miss you'.

She can't know what that feels like until you aren't around for her anymore.

 

At this time of your loss. It is suggested you leave her alone- totally, so you can work on 'accepting' your loss and healing now. And what the other's are trying to explain is it is harder than anything if you keep giving in an contacting her.

We often look for 'hope', but instead we fall and fall again. Feeling worse or same as when it all ended.

 

If you want to keep contact with her, that is totally up to you. We're just cautioning you of the risks.

If you do and it does 'help' you out, great.

 

All the best

[sadgirl23]

If you truly believe you can be her friend and won't be contacting her as if nothing happened (acting like you're still together) then I think it's fine.

Just be honest with yourself about your true intentions. Would you want her to be your wingman to make her jealous? Would you feel hurt if she didn't respond to you immediately like a girlfriend does?

Are you really respecting her personal space and wishes?

[Shainet]

I tried to be friends with my ex after the break up. I told him i dont want to just stop talking to him right away.

Bad idea. I just got hurt with the way he's treating me. He told me i should start talking to other guys cause he is talking to other girls now. It felt like he stabbed my heart. Everything he say to me is like poison or a punch.

 

I tried going NC, first week was so hard. I felt like i was thirsty and i need to get my 'fix', i was so tempted to just get even a small hi from him. After 3 weeks, i started to get use to him being absent in my life. It also helped that i really wanted to heal myself.

 

Op, nc will really help you heal and become a better person. Those couples that did get back together successfully had been separated for many months before they started reconciliation. Those that get back together just weeks after break up, end up breaking up again after a few weeks or months. What you two need is to heal and become new and better p before you get back together again.

 

Once you're healed, your mind will be clear and you can decide if you still want her or not. You will realize that you are worth it, you deserve a girl who will fight for you and someone who will love you. You dont deserve to be with someone who 'loves you but is not inlove woth you'. Dont be fixated on her, there are other better woman out there for you.

[iamscrewed]

Well I went ahead and called her. The funny thing is I felt like I wanted to, not that I needed to like I have the past couple nights. Anyways we talked for about an hour and mostly made small talk about the things we've done this past week. But occasionally the subject of "us" got brought up and I took a few useful things away from the conversation.

 

1. She does not necessarily want another boyfriend right now (i.e. she's not looking), and she just wants to have fun. This kind of changes my perspective on why she dumped me.

2. She said that if she does date someone else, she would still want to be my friend anyway. I told her that her next bf might not like that idea, but that didn't seem to concern her.

3. She noticed that I sounded much less desperate than the last time we spoke, which gives me hope that I'm moving in the right direction as far as getting over her.

 

I asked her to go to the mall with me on Sunday and help me pick out a new wardrobe (I have no sense of fashion, and figured since I'm single now I might as well start dressing nicer). She said she would think about it, because she's not sure its a good idea for us to hang out just yet. Ultimately, I would still like to get back with her but I'm trying to face the reality that its not going to happen. I'm trying to gradually associate her as my friend. If it backfires, you guys will be the first to know...