tell me, am i too nonchalant? or is he uptight? or..?

[quark]

I get you. I was a bartender --- and joking and such...flirty if you will....is part and parcel of the game.

 

That he thinks you don't have boundaries would be my issue with your bf.

 

Yes, he is taking a situation that happened in the past and projecting that onto every single male customer who may walk in the door. Early on when I first started bartending, there was a guy who would come in often. He would ask me out, I would say no. Every time he would ask me when I am leaving my boyfriend. It got to the point where I would honestly consider it harassment. I'll admit, I am a pushover. I've always been scared to take a stand. I stood there as a child and took insult after insult never standing up for myself. I hate that I am this way.

 

Things came to a head when my boyfriend (who worked at the same restaurant) came behind the bar and more or less told him to go f* himself. He was let go shortly after that.

 

That was years ago. Every experience I have, I learn from.

 

I tell him that if at any point I feel like I am being harassed or disrespected, I have no qualms about telling that customer just what I think. Problem is, he doesn't believe me based on the situation that happened years ago. He does not trust that I can/have changed.

 

Unless of course you're talking about flirtation boundaries..which I have never done anything so completely out of line to make him think that way. Only talking. Never ever ever have I physically touched another man in a sexual way, cuddled up on, kissed, etc to make him think that I do these things on the reg.

[mhowe]

Yes -- exactly. No -- boundaries that you know you are committed to your bf and would do nothing to jepordize.

 

Again -- I say -- not compatible.

[quark]

Yes -- exactly. No -- boundaries that you know you are committed to your bf and would do nothing to jepordize.

 

Again -- I say -- not compatible.

 

I hope you're wrong. We are going to give therapy/counseling a shot.

 

And if that doesn't help, well..

[mhowe]

When I worked at a bar (and was single) one of the regulars started making rude comments at one point. The other regulars stood up for me and told

him he was inappropriate. I know the feeling --- you just try and ignore.

 

The manager (woman) happened by --- and told him if an apology wasn't forthcoming, he would be banned. He apologized and kept his mouth shut

going forward.

 

But --- that is rarely the case. And I think your bf does not give you enough credit.

[shelty24]

Therapy? How long are you together again? If its not 5+ years, not married, no kids then i would not bother with therapy..

 

i agree your not compatable

[quark]

Therapy? How long are you together again? If its not 5+ years, not married, no kids then i would not bother with therapy..

 

i agree your not compatable

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have a set of rules to determine whether or not therapy is warranted. Please feel free to follow those yourself. I will not.

[shelty24]

A solution to this problem: ask your boss can you set up a work FB page and add all your customers to that. Then delete men you dont know from your FB. There is a compromise where you can meet him half way.

 

I have managed 2 businesses and i never added customers to my personal FB. I added them to the work page. I actually think its unprofessional to involve business contacts in your personal life. I would not like my clients looking at my pics or my status..

 

i mean right now your not really advertising work-you are advertising you and men do not add girls on FB or message them unless they want to date them / f**k them. That is why it bothers your bf coz these men are hitting on you no matter what way you look at it. And your either extremely naive or you LOVE the attention. (Again if its the latter-that is why it bothers your bf)

 

its easy to say he is insecure, overly jealous and hes the problem etc but you are giving him reasons to be which makes you the problem.

[lady00]

I think this is a great idea. To me it sounds like he's willing to tone down the jealousy to the extent that he can (agreeing not to delete your messages on facebook is a step in the right direction). I don't think he sounds like some crazy jealous guy but yes, he has a tendency toward jealousy and that's something he can work on. You tend to be flirty and that is also something you can work on (you've talked about different types of behaviors here that you know are not OK and those that I think most reasonable people would say are just fine so it's about finding that right balance of being yourself but not being inappropriate in a way that would make your boyfriend uncomfortable if he were in the same room).

[quark]

Thanks for your input, but I'm afraid you've no idea what you're talking about. I'll say it again, I currently do not have any friends that I do not know. I can't be bothered to explain the dynamics of the bar/restaurant customer relation. Facebook is both a curse and blessing. It's wonderful for keeping in touch with people, but unfortunately it brings advances front & center. I could delete my facebook if I wanted, but it wouldn't solve the problem. He would still flip a if I told him how the garbage men made a comment while I was outside walking the dog, or how someone whistled at me from a car. My problems aside, this is about him gaining confidence enough to brush these things off his shoulders.

[lady00]

Thanks for your input, but I'm afraid you've no idea what you're talking about. I'll say it again, I currently do not have any friends that I do not know. I can't be bothered to explain the dynamics of the bar/restaurant customer relation. Facebook is both a curse and blessing. It's wonderful for keeping in touch with people, but unfortunately it brings advances front & center. I could delete my facebook if I wanted, but it wouldn't solve the problem. He would still flip a if I told him how the garbage men made a comment while I was outside walking the dog, or how someone whistled at me from a car. My problems aside, this is about him gaining confidence enough to brush these things off his shoulders.

 

OK I'm confused. I thought you had random guys as friends on Facebook that aren't really your friends. I agree that the issue isn't only with Facebook but if you have random guys commenting and liking your photos, that would be one thing that could easily be stopped. If that's not the case, then I've misunderstood your earlier posts. You can't control how other men behave. You control yourself and your reaction to it. And it's smart not to tell your boyfriend that some random person on the street hit on you. That's nothing you have control over as long as you're not feeding into it and it's not something that would be helpful to your boyfriend to know. I think you BOTH need to change and meet in the middle. Therapy is a start.

[quark]

There are a handful of people that can best be described as friends of friends. We more or less keep to ourselves, though. I don't have 20+ guys commenting and liking my every move. I'm actually incredibly unpopular on facebook.

 

 

There are a few people he takes issue with...

 

One is a cop. I met him a while back at a job I was working at, he was a regular customer. You gotta understand how customers/employees become like a small family at certain restaurants. If you haven't worked in the industry, you wouldn't understand much. This guy was a friend of the owners. Came to the employee Xmas parties and all..

 

Anyhow, we reconnected recently. He pulled me over. Still not sure if I was speeding or if he was just running plates and recognized my name. It was genuinely nice to catch up with him, hadn't seen him in a while. Later, he added me to facebook. He messages me to say hi. I say hi back, tell him I ran into another cop who used to frequent the old job what a small world, and we chat about that for a while. He gives me his # and says if I ever need anything in to use it. He asks me what days I work, I tell him. Don't hear fromhim for a few months and he messages me "when are we going moshpitting?", I say "lol, i'm too old for that now". And thats the end of the conversation.

 

Another is of course, picture guy. He added me on facebook to send me my picture. He sent over a dancing Minion from despicable me and then my photo. No words. I haven't written back because the message was deleted from my inbox.

 

One more is a guy I met while I was taking a class for fire performance/fire staff as part of a group. After the class we went as a group to a performance space aka storefront/apartments with a paved area in the back. He messages me to say Hi. So I say hey buddy..did you go to the spin jam yesterday? No, I didn't even know there was one, oh well. So I say, yeah it's okay..I couldn't make it either I've been busy with moving. Where to? He says. Nothing major, just within the same town. "Ah, and here I was hoping you'd move closer to NYC lol"

 

Not sure what that means, again I feel it is pretty harmless.

 

 

Just got a friend request a half hour ago. Apparently we have 12 mutual friends. A smattering of coworkers and some local/school buddies. Not going to accept because I'm not entirely sure who it is.

[ItRainsItPours]

OP try and ignore the rampant hatorade on your thread. Bartenders have to be friendly to make tips, and its no secret that women sometimes flirt their male patrons out of their paychecks. I should know from my single days! You remind me of one of my closest friends and her boyfriend. She is admittedly flirty at work, saying she noticed a huge increase in tips once she started being friendlier and dressing a little sexier. This drives her boyfriend mad.

 

Contrary to the implications made on this thread this does not suggest she is a woman of loose morals. She's trying to make a living while finishing her degree, is a very devout christian and has only been with one man: her boyfriend. This still does not appease him but it comes with the territory.

 

I think a black and white stamp of incompatibility is dismissive. If you two can reach a compromise of him working on his insecurity and you working on your flirtatiousness outside of work then I think you two could be fine.