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tell me, am i too nonchalant? or is he uptight? or..?


quark

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Nothing much has come of it yet, because I have resolved to not escalate our arguments. I find it works really well if I don't feed into it. I'm a little bothered by something that happened recently though, and I'd like some opinions from men and women alike.

 

I am a bartender. Part of my job is to make small talk, laugh and spend time with customers. Recently there was a group of people, mostly men visiting my restaurant. One gentleman asks if he can take my picture. Why? I say. So he can show his friend how snapchat works. Okay, fine. So I do a silly pose. I say I want to see it (to make sure I don't look hideously ugly). And, hey, wow..that's actually not a bad picture! Post it to the restaurants facebook page or something! So he asks my name and pulls up facebook and I tell him which profile is mine. He sends a friend request.

 

Here's where I'm coming from: I don't have a problem being "facebook friends" with really anyone. Especially customers. I realize that it's quite beneficial to have a database of potential customers at my fingertips when advertising for certain things (i.e. talking up an upcoming halloween party, new years promotion, live music, or changed jobs and bartending at X restaurant now). So, when he more or less asked to add me, I was okay with it. Not to mention I wanted that picture, lol.

 

Not even 24 hrs goes by before my boyfriend asks who is "so & so". So, I tell him the story. He argues that he could have taken a picture of the floor just the same. Yeah, I guess. Or he could have taken my picture behind my back as Im almost 100% sure has probably happened to me. (Lot of creepers out there) So anyone who asks permission is already sort of alright by me. He says he thinks its not okay if "other guys have pics of my girlfriend". Which, I guess I understand..but it wasn't seductive. It was a silly face. Who just cares? I don't see the big deal.

 

Is he being uptight? Or am I a bad girlfriend??

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As you describe it, I can totally understand you and agree with you. I actually use facebook pretty much only to promote my business also and if anyone would want to befriend me, in my "category", be welcome!

 

I am not fond of posting pictures on facebook, but in this case you approved the picture even and agreed with it. So I don't see the harm in that one.

 

I can however, understand your boyfriend and my own boyfriend would go nuts also, if someone else would put my picture up on facebook.

 

So bottom line, im with you on the befriending people on facebook, and understand your boyfriend, about the picture.

 

Maybe you can give him the opportunity to take a picture in the bar and post it on his own facebook, to get him to stop freaking about it.

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Alright cool.... SO picture magically makes it to the desktop of the computer. I ask him how? He says magic. No for serious..how?

 

Well apparently, he likes going through my messages and then deleting them?? Because I never saw any message from the person in question. I left my facebook open to hopefully ease his psychotic mind but this is too much. I'm changing my password.

 

I almost can't deal with this. I need a boyfriend that can be confident in himself and in our relationship. Maybe just maybe if he would use his words and express himself, then we can have an adult conversation. But going through my and deleting messages? Then saying "Oh, well..you told me your facebook was open and I could always look".

 

That stops now. The open facebook is just feeding into the problem.

 

I'm getting really upset, because we talk about marriage but I can't be with someone who can't handle my job/personality.

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I kind of do see his point. I wouldn't like my girlfriend (or in my case wife) friending every guy who asks.

 

I don't think either of you are wrong here. I do think you need to establish some sort of boundaries you both can be OK with and stick to them, otherwise this will become a bigger issue.

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I'd abandon the effort of trying to decide what labels to slap on yourselves. Bottom line is he's not happy in the relationship because of your behavior. You can either dump him and answer to nobody or be more considerate towards him and change the way you act. Only you can decide based on your priorities and values what the best choice for you is. I personally would be unhappy in this situation just like your bf is. If it didn't change, I'd move on.

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We are on the verge of breaking up and it does not feel good

 

He realizes that what he did was wrong.. but the way he says "you're right i'm wrong" just sounds like "yeah,yeah,yeah..i'm saying this just to appease you".

 

I have realized that the picture thing was a little out of line. It was a decision I made in the moment and didn't think anything of it (sure, take my picture). I told him that I understand why he would be upset. That every situation I go through teaches me something and I learn/grow from it. Will politely decline next time a customer wants to be a paparazzi.

 

He has since gone through and begun to delete every trace of himself from facebook. "Out of sight, out of mind" is his philosophy as he just can't stand to see any guy he doesn't know "like" my pictures on fb, or comment, or sometimes message me. This has just made me incredibly angry, and I argue that its not solving anything you are just running away from it. He doesn't see it that way.

 

Not only that, but its upset me that he deleted all of his photos. There were many of him I liked, lots before we started dating and during the "courtship" that would make me smile. It hurts to have lost those.

 

Its coming to my attention that I am just a naturally flirty person. A coworker mentioned to me how I do so well with the male customers. I don't really realize this when its happening and I'm not entirely sure if I can help it. He takes this time to mention a get together LAST YEAR, that I was "flirty" with someones brother and he sat in the corner upset. Like really? A year ago?? Then he brings up a summer party we had and I was quite intoxicated and I was showing off how much weight i've lost by putting my fingers between the band of my shorts and I guess my undies kinda showed a bit. (I remember that) And apparently he can't let any of this go. I'm sorry..but hasn't everyone acted a little but out of character when they've been drinking? Other girlfriends have cheated on him because they were drunk.... so that makes him think that I will too. Nevermind the fact that I've been faithful for close to 3 years, guess that means nothing.

 

I don't know how to feel!! It's like I want him to accept me for who I am but yet I want him to change (with the jealousy, insecurity, etc) and that feels wrong.

 

I've said it before to him... I don't have any problems with his personality... (save for the reactions to mine) but it seems like he has so many problems with who I am as a person.

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I don't know that I could get past your behavior in choosing to get drunk and showing how much weight you lost in the way you did (it's one thing to do the quick twirl around or something similar but I would have felt very uncomfortable too. I guess it also depends how much you apologized and how sincere you were. I think when you choose to drink you choose the consequences -it's not excusable as "out of character" because you chose to drink and chose to get drunk. If someone had put something in your drink without your knowledge then I totally would agree.

 

If you are naturally flirty and don't choose to work on changing that that is fine. I'm sure there are people who will be ok with it probably because they are the same way and want their partner to be ok with them flirting with other people in the same way you do. I agree that his behavior was objectionable too. I don't think you two are a good match.

 

I also don't think your flirtiness is "who you are as a person" -it's a behavior you choose and it's up to you whether you want to change that behavior. It sounds like you don't and that's cool but it's not cool with him.

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Thank you everybody for your comments. I like to hear outside opinions on matters like this, although I have to admit people here continue to make assumptions when they are so far away from a situation. I take offense to comments that my flirtatious behavior is something I actively "choose" to do.

 

Why would I actively choose to do something that hurts my boyfriend? Likewise, I don't think he chooses to be as jealous as he is, as he knows it drives me crazy. If it were something we could both just "turn off" don't you think we'd do it? These are natural, knee-jerk reactions that will take time to wrangle..but I think deep down he will always have those tendencies and I will always have mine. It's just a matter of realizing the behavior and constantly pursuing a way to handle it.

 

I am still angry about him deleting my facebook messages, but I can move past it.

 

We are going to seek therapy/counseling. I know everyone's favorite answer is "dump him" but i'm not ready to give up until all possible fixes have been exhausted.

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We are going to seek therapy/counseling. I know everyone's favorite answer is "dump him" but i'm not ready to give up until all possible fixes have been exhausted.

 

I think this is the typical defensive answer for someone in an unhealthy situation. People don't generally recommend "dump him" unless there seem to be fundamental differences. But if it makes you feel better to get therapy - go for it. Basically, though, one of you would have to change.

 

I'm guessing it would be you.

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Great idea.

 

And afterwards, admit that your lifestyle/job and his insecurities just don't make you compatible.

 

Sarcasm, I see what you did there.

 

 

If it's not you choosing to flirt, who is it? Demon possession?

 

As hilarious as that is.. I'd say more of an innate personality trait, or outgoing personality. Just the same as one doesn't necessarily choose to cry over episodes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition , it just sort of happens.

 

Basically, though, one of you would have to change.

 

I'm guessing it would be you.

 

See now, why is this? Why couldn't it be an equal effort on both of our parts. He would prefer me to be a little less social. I would prefer him to be a little less jealous & insecure. I can work on reigning in my easy-going outwardness, he can work on his confidence.

 

 

 

 

Pretty hard not to feel personally attacked every time I come to these forums, but you do, afterall, give me a little bit of insight and help me work through my thoughts.

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Well he, and I, don't think he's jealous or insecure at all. I actually think you are insecure which is why you need to flirt with men when you're in a relationship. And he probably doesn't consider your behavior just social, he sees it as flirting, which is communicating romantic interest, and not appropriate to do while in a relationship. This is why everyone is saying you are incompatible. I think a confident guy would never stand for this. I also don't think being easy going has anything at all to do with flirtin with others while in a relationship.

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I think your out of line and if I were him I would dump you. We all have boundaries when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex and if you cant respect his, then you shouldn't be together. He doesn't sound like an overly possessive, jealous guy and if he had a gf who didn't feel the need to flirt her way up the ladder-then i doubt it would ever be an issue..

 

I'm don't think that your ready to be in a relationship. Your obsessed with proving your right-hes wrong but who are you to tell him how he should/shouldn't feel about your interactions with other men. That is how he feels, he cannot change that-it upsets him, creates insecurity and trust issues and you don't care.. you cant even try to put yourself in his shoes and think how this affects him personally. You might think its harmless fun but to his family, his friends, to him-it just makes you look untrustworthy..

 

I'm an affectionate person, I enjoy greeting people with a hug. To me it is just being friendly. My bf told me early on in the relationship that he doesn't really like it if I hug his friends and I respected that and stopped doing it. I didn't question it coz I would expect the same respect and understanding from him if something was making me feel uncomfortable. That is how you build trust. Understanding each others boundaries and respecting them

 

men and women are naturally possessive over their partner. Its human nature. We are all capable of getting jealous and we all have our own standards of what is acceptable/whats not. This girl tried to flirt with my bf once telling him hes gorgeous and I went straight over, sat on him and made it clear he is with me. It was instinct

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If this was an issue in October, and still an issue in December, then something has to give. I would be very unhappy if someone deleted my messages, regardless of the motivation. I know you don't like hearing "break up" but it does seem that he is excessively jealous, and you are the exact opposite. How can this work? I have tried to date men like your bf, but I find it very difficult. It isn't my job (or yours) to reassure a grown man on a regular basis. There truly are a lot of guys out there who would not be bothered by your behavior, in my opinion.

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I am unhappy with it. He apologized and we talked and I am willing to forgive. Afterall, I fed into the situation by leaving my facebook open all the time and even encouraging him to look. That has stopped.

 

I do believe that if he were to seek counseling for his insecurities we wouldn't have half these problems. If a therapist could help him recognize and solve the things that make him feel less confident, I wouldn't have to explain every facebook friend, like or comment. And he wouldn't even give a second thought to the customers that come in.

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I don't think he needs therapy for being insecure or jealous Any normal bloke would feel this way if his gf added strange men on BF, let randomers take pics of her, flirt at work all night and talk to men you dont know online.. again I am surprised he has not dumped you. I would

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I don't think he needs therapy for being insecure or jealous Any normal bloke would feel this way if his gf added strange men on BF, let randomers take pics of her, flirt at work all night and talk to men you dont know online.. again I am surprised he has not dumped you. I would

 

Listen, I know everyone knows everything when they are on the internet..but try and take a step back, and think.

 

*I don't add "strange men". Define "strange men" anyhow? What does this mean? I add customers sometimes, I've already explained why. I add people with similar interests to mine (e.g. fire performers). I add coworkers.

 

*Again, define "randomers". I had been talking with that group of people for over an hour. I already explained that I didn't think anything of it in the moment, but now understand how that has hurt my boyfriend and has crossed his line.

 

*Flirt at work all night? I think I may be flirty..but at no point do I ever give a customer the impression that I might want to date them or fool around. I talk about my boyfriend often. Any and all somewhat regular customers know I have a boyfriend, know his name and know what he does for a living. Of course, that doesn't stop them from flirting with me and I'll laugh it off. (This is where my boyfriend has the problem..he feels disrespected despite not being present)

 

Surprised he hasn't dumped me yet? You clearly have no idea about him. You would? Good thing we aren't dating then.

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