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3 weeks and starting to doubt my resolve...


qpwoeiruty43

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I broke up with them probably about 3 weeks ago. I don't really even remember. I regretted it almost immediately at the time and asked for them back the day after. They said no... which makes sense as I was quite cruel in the break up (it wasn't a friendly break up at all). The thing is, the break up on my part wasn't out of the blue for me though. I had been thinking about it for at least a week and I was sure that was what I wanted. I started NC, but each and everyday I find I'm getting worse and worse at it. I thought it was supposed to get better. But these days, my emotions are out of control. I go through moments of hating him, to missing him, to hating myself for being wrong, to thinking he was wrong and I did right, for hating him for not trying, to thinking he tried really hard but I didn't try... i feel like a crazy person. I have no idea who did right and who did wrong in this relationship anymore. And perhaps it doesn't matter, but at the same time it constantly makes me feel like maybe I should reach out and try to reconcile. But at the same time a second later I feel like they did me wrong and I shouldn't...

 

The problem with these mixed emotions is I'm not really moving on very well. At times, when I miss them and when I think I was the one that did wrong, I want to fix things and get back together. I guess only a part of me actually thinks we aren't compatible while another part things maybe I could have worked a bit harder, but then another part of me thinks he could've worked harder, while yet another part of me thinks he worked WAY HARDER than i ever did! I just don't know.... I honestly feel like a crazy person... I feel like since I was the one that dumped him, I should be the one to contact him again, but at the same time I don't know if I really should or if I should just let it go. At the same time, I know I'd have to wait a while, as when I asked the day after, obviously they were still hurt too much to even respond in a healthy way. But how do I know how long to wait? I have no idea what they are thinking. I feel like if I wait too little they might still be angry, and if I wait too long they may just have completely forgotten me and not want to talk to me anymore.... ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND I STILL DON'T EVEN KNOW FOR SURE IF CONTACTING THEM AT ALL IS OK OR IF I SHOULD JUST MOVE ON LOL... ugh... all i know is that I was the happiest I had ever been in being with him, especially when I thought we were actually going to be forever. But at the same time, I was also my most miserable when I was with him... although I don't know if it was because of him or because I was too needy or something... hm... I don't know if anyone has any insight to provide...

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Give it until after the holidays at the very least. Your emotions and thinking are all over the map.

And breaking up with someone who made you miserable is generally a GOOD idea. Breaking up in a nasty way and trying to say "oops, changed my mind" NEVER works.

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I know exavtly how you feel, but as you already know, thinking about all those different questions will drive you crazy, all you need to do is focus on yourself and finding happiness without him. Moving on can be hard, but its whats best for you especially if he made your miserable and has you going crazy.

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I dont know how your relationship went, but you broke up with him, so it's up to you to fix it. If you werent happy then, forget it and move on, if you think you can make it work, then do so. I do have to give him some credit for saying no to you. His job as the dumpee is not to let you hurt him again, so he won't be reaching out for you. And if you could have been a better girlfriend, personally I think you need to "man up" so to speak and create good moments for you two. Dont of course subject yourself to begging and pleading, do it with confidence. You just need to figure out the best way to reconcile.

 

For all the dumpees - this is a perfect case example of a Dumper having doubts. It's not always so black and white as the dumper often questions their choice. And Im not saying this to build up false hopes, but rather to make you feel that you have a lot of worth even though they broke up with you.

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Give it until after the holidays at the very least. Your emotions and thinking are all over the map.

And breaking up with someone who made you miserable is generally a GOOD idea. Breaking up in a nasty way and trying to say "oops, changed my mind" NEVER works.

 

Is there a reason you think I should wait till after the holidays? I was thinking I might contact them just before the holidays and at least if I'm lucky we might be able to be friendlies through the holiday (I say friendly cuz I don't know if we'll get back together but at least it'd be nice to have some company over the holidays... for the both of us i think :S)

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You were nasty in the break up, you were miserable in the relationship and you ping pong around the emotions. You are way too close to the break up to be friends or hang out.

 

Accept that you will spend the holidays alone this year.

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Ugh even as I type this I don't even know lol.. On the one hand I'd want to be friendly over the holidays, but perhaps you're also right in that I don't even know if there's a point to it. The plain fact of the matter is I don't know if we can work things through. We both have so many differences yet so many similarities... It isn't one of those simple ones where they cheat on you and you know the right thing to do is leave. Nobody ever really did anything wrong, and perhaps that just might mean we weren't compatible, but at the same token, we were both really happy at one point before something just fizzled out and we started bickering all the time. I want to reach out and be friends for the holidays, but I also want to wait longer to see if we can salvage anything (I feel like being friends too early will spell doom for any chance of me fixing anything, especially if I contact too early and they say no again... that might be a permanent no by that point)...

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You cannot be friends so quickly after a nasty break up.

If you want.to test the theory...reach out. The door will.slam in your face.

 

Actions have consequences. Cruel and nasty break ups are not easily forgotten or forgiven.

 

Do you know how long I should wait then? I'm just scared that they'll reach a point where they completely forget about me and want nothing more to do with me..

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He is already at that point. You can't turn the clock back and pretend you didn't say cruel and nasty things. As you saw when you tried it the next day. He hasn't forgotten you or what you said. Quite the contrary...it is fresh in his mind. It has only been 3 weeks.

 

And you seem to forget you were miserable.

 

You just don't like being alone and are trying to figure out a way to get back in. Doesn't work that way.

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I can assure you he hasn't forgotten about you. My ex broke up with me about 2-3 weeks ago, and she is still fresh on my mind. The break up gave me perspective on things and gave me a chance to see what I've been doing wrong not only in the relationship I was in, but the previous relationships I've had since my divorce. Her breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened because I'm FINALLY ok without being co-dependent to someone... being happy with myself. If you feel you want to give it another shot, give it time, let him heal from the rejection, and the ball IS in your court, so to speak.

 

I've been NC with my dumper and I have no issues with it. I don't feel like reaching out or anything because I feel like the relationship was not a healthy one, and the only thing keeping it together was my fear of being alone.... which has now dissipated, so I don't feel like I need to reach out and jump back into something that was unhealthy to begin with. Time will give you perspective, and you'd be surprised what you discover... in another 3 to 4 weeks, you may find your 'mind ups and downs' gone, and a clear vision of what YOU want thats going to make YOU happy.

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I agree with Var^^ And all Mhowe is trying to explain to you.

 

3 Weeks after a break up is still very fresh. BOTH of you are 'heated' over this. And this is why YOU are experiencing so many thoughts and emotions.

You're confused..in denial...lonely..sad..etc. This is normal and a part of how the mind deals with loss. It all takes some time to 'accept' the fact of a break up.

 

In this time, while apart and 'on your own', It is best and I suggest YOU take some time to work on you!

Let things between you and him calm down for a while. Do NOT go chasing him. Respect him and do your best not to harass him.

 

You will be emotional and all, like i've mentioned, but there are reasons for this break up- correct? Then what YOU should think about is what's happened and why.

How about now, you work on yourself and ways you can look to improve yourself which may have assisted in this break up. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws.

 

So... take a break.. settle down.. and deal with what's happened. Give him 'his time' and leave all alone for a while.

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