my in-laws have alienated me

[mucha]

Hi, I posted earlier this week about my husband who is too attached to his cousins. Well I understand I have to accept them otherwise I am fighting a losing battle.

 

Problem is I am ready now to accept them but they are not interested anymore. I confided in one of the ladies married to my husband's cousin. I was hurting and upset at that time so I said a lot about how I wish they could give us space and all. She also complained to me about a lot of things in the family. Little did I know she's very close to the cousins I complained about. So she went and told them

 

I noticed because the whole family hasabecome so cold towards me. Even the uncles. I feel so terrible. They have a family phone chat group that my husband removed me from because I was constantly crying that I felt ignored.

 

So with me leaving the group and talking behind their backs it's like I have finally given them the ammunition to cut me out

 

I don't blame because I asked for space although I did not mean it that way. I still want my children to attend family gatherings but at the moment I feel unwelcome. When my husband asks if we can visit any of them there is an excuse. But when he goes alone or with the kids only he is welcome.

 

I sometimes feel I should go apologise to them one by one. Or should I leave them alone, time will tell how things work out? Any suggestions on what I should do?

[lavenderdove]

OK, what you have to do in situations like this is just toughen up a bit and soldier on. And you need to stop worrying so much about what they think of you. Damage is done, and it will not be repaired by more drama and tears.

 

So what you do is this: Quit complaining about them. And don't 'pursue' them. Be perfectly pleasant and upbeat when you see them, and make arrangements for you and the kids to go to family gatherings and just let the kids have fun and be kids. And make a commitment to churning up ZERO drama. If they are cold to you, who cares, just continue to be polite.

 

What usually happens in situations like this is that there will be eventually some kind of other family drama and they'll forget about this. If you act like it is no big deal and just carry on rather than trying to force them on you or continuing to talk about this, it will not get better. But if you decide to turn the other cheek and just act normal around them and don't let them get to you, you'll be fine in the end.

 

Just remember you are NOT running to be the family's homecoming queen! Just go to events your husband wants you to attend, and be pleasant and unemotional. I suspect if you quit bringing this up and crying/drama etc., eventually your husband will start including you in invitations again. and use that time they're away at the family to pamper yourself and do your own thing!

[DancingFool]

Stop complaining and let everyone cool off. Make a huge effort to make at least one or two friends outside of his family or anyone connected with them so that you can have someone to talk to and vent to who is not going to run back to everyone in his family and repeat what you said. Then start slowly going to some of the family functions, events, etc. Expect a cold reception, but if you show them a different side of you - pleasant, nice, no whining and drama of pay attention to me - they'll thaw out eventually. It will take time though, so don't expect instant change. Mostly, quit whining and complaining about anything to any family member or anyone connected to them.

[ParisPaulette]

What lavendardove and dancing fool said. The problem is actually with your husband, not his family. And never run someone down to another person--nearly every gossip trades on pulling other people into their little badmouth games, so they can turn around and use it against you and now be perceived as the hero or heroine for speaking up.

 

Learn your lesson, no gossip ever about anyone, and just hold your head high and be polite. Find other friends outside of your husband's family or focus on those in your own family and increase your relationship with them. It will blow over when the next gossip stirs trouble and the family is on to that new drama.

[Kendahke]

you are going to have to lay low with his family for the foreseeable future. None of them are going to want to see your face because of the knives you've been planting in some of their backs. It was a colossally bad idea to talk mess about a family member to a family member, especially with the history you had with them.

 

Just leave them alone. You're going to have to let this all blow over and have your husband do some damage control for you and God only knows how long that's going to take, if ever.

[mucha]

Thank you all for the responses. I have learnt a lot through this experience and I will not trust any of my in-laws that much with my problems. I hope they do forgive me the sake of my children.