engagement is off...

[londonbridge]

hello, this is a post about a friend who is having some relationship trouble. She is asking me for help and advice but I'm not sure how to help.

 

She was engaged to be married to her long-time off again on again bf but they had gotten into a fight recently(blowups are common in their relationship). Her last words to him was to say she doesn't want to ever hear from him for a long time because she'll be mad at him for a very long time. But secretly, she confessed to me that she wants him to reach out to her. She wants him to chase her and show her that he wants to be with her. She hates doing all the chasing. He's never chased after her. She is the one in fact, who persuaded him to marry.

 

She hasn't heard from him since that fight. So, apparently she's decided that since he hasn't reached out to her, the engagement is off, and she is determined not to be with him again. She's already signing up for dating sites. BUT, she says she still dreams about him, that she had the same recurring dream about him the other night. She's confessed that she had thoughts about suicide as well.

 

I think she's overreacting about the situation. She's nitpicking on small things like him not getting the EXACT ring size converted to centimeters from inches and mad that he doesn't communicate in the way she wants even though she's known him for 15 years and KNOWS that that's how he communicates. For all she knows, he still might think the engagement is on, but is just waiting for her to talk to him again. If I were him, and someone told me not to speak to them again because they're really pissed off at me, I wouldn't speak to them again and would wait for them to reach out to me when they're ready.

 

The big picture that she is completely missing and not looking at, is that, first of all, he AGREED to marry her. That's HUGE for a guy to do. That's the scariest thing for a guy to do. Second of all, this is her dream guy, and has been for years. The fact that she is THIS close to marrying her dream guy and now she's self-sabotaging the whole thing over an argument over ring-size and his slow communication skills, is very sad. He obviously took the time out of the day to actually go and get the ring size figured out, so it's obvious, he's willing to do the work to please her, even if he's not perfect at it.

 

In a way, I wonder if she doesn't really want to marry him because perhaps, deep down, maybe she knows this ISN'T the right guy for her. They're like COMPLETE opposites. She's impatient, perfectionist, opinionated, and short-tempered person. He's super mellow, maybe too mellow, and very very quiet. He chooses his words carefully.

 

Then again, sometimes opposites do work, I think everything is just harder for them because they were off and on again LONG DISTANCE for 15 years, and are currently separated by the sea until a visa can be procured. My thoughts on this is that she got TOO excited because her dream was finally coming true, but this also made her TOO impatient and her expectations to get everything perfect is kind of ruining things.

 

She definitely has issues when it comes to controlling her emotions. She says what she feels right away, especially when she's angry. She knows she has a temper problem, but struggles to control it. She says she's seeking counseling...but it seems nothing works for her. I wonder if it's for the best that she's decided the engagement is over? Based on their off and on volatile history, it may be best for her to keep trying to find someone else? Yet, it seems she keeps pining for this same guy...maybe all she really wants from him is this "pining" feeling? And not the reality of who he is? At the end, her idea of him, and how he is in reality is never going to match up.

 

It's really sad, I want her to be happy. I want to suggest that she at least reach out to him one last time, if not to reconcile, to at least let him know that the engagement is over. She is very very stubborn though...and with her desire for him to make the first move...I'm not sure she will want to reach out.

 

What do you think?

[lavenderdove]

So let's see, she's mad at him for doing exactly what she told him to do, which is to go away.

 

Seriously, young women can be really short sighted when it comes to think that love/relationship is supposed to be like a romance novel where the guy is her prince chasing after her with a glass slipper every time she gets in a snit. She thinks she deserves a magical prince who can read her mind and put her on a satin pillow, not the real world guy that she's got (or used to have anyway)!

 

What she wants is NOT this guy, what she wants is a romantic fantasy, and until she gets over that, nobody will be right or good enough. And this guy may be thinking at this point that it's a relief not to be with her because she is so high maintenance.

 

Reaching out to him won't fix anything. She needs to fix herself first. Either one of them can make the 'first move' but then they're right back in the soup with her unrealistic expectations and perfectionism again. She needs some therapy before deciding to date any guy.

[BigKK]

^x2

 

 

She tells him one thing, but wants him to do the opposite.

 

 

This makes sense how?

 

 

"testing people" like that never works, especially if you give the opposite instructions. I concur, I HOPE the engagement is off so she can come back to reality when it comes to her expectations of people.

[pl3asehelp]

Learning by experiencing the consequences of your actions is very powerful. She wasn't honest and tried to play a game and it backfired. If she's smart, she will learn to be honest and quit playing games.

[Edmund Exley]

Learning by experiencing the consequences of your actions is very powerful. She wasn't honest and tried to play a game and it backfired. If she's smart, she will learn to be honest and quit playing games.

 

Sadly, she probably never will learn. It will always be the other persons fault.

[shelty24]

Why are you so concerned? Do you honestly think an on/off long distance relationship full of tension and rows is what dreams are made of? Its dysfunctional. Id be encouraging her to move on-not try to get him back... but each to their own

[ParisPaulette]

Tell your friend that she needs to focus on her communication skills. The whole concept of "if he/she loved me they'd know what I want/think/need" is a really, really bad habit to get into and it's one that I see used as a total cop-out for just communicating. People aren't mind readers and unless one opens their mouth and actually forms the words about what they want/think/need better than three-quarters of the time it's not going to happen. And getting upset about it all is a sign of emotional immaturity. Adults communicate, small children hope their parents will divine what they want because they don't yet have the verbal skills to just ask.

 

Personally though if I were her finance I would have run for the hills a long time ago. And it says something about their relationship if the communication is this bad and this off. Perhaps your friend really should just let the guy go, so take a step back and just be there as a friend to listen to her. But don't make it your problem to fix, because it's not.

[SooSad33]

No offence... but with her issues, I don't think I would be 'pining' over her.

Honestly, she NEEDS some good long term counselling and has to WORK on herself and getting a grip.

 

IF this was her 'knight in shining armour', she could have realized AND been dealing with her issues, long ago.

She's got to realize what is going on, what can be done and deal with it. Also, the TWO of them should look into some couple counselling, IF they really DO want to work on staying together....

I do feel like this poor guy has been 'made' to act as such and may feel he does not have a 'right' to react or speak up?

If so- this relationship is the pits.

 

BEFORE these two ever marry, I think they should be working in a few things to get their relationship on even ground.

They 'need' some stability within themselves & what they've got and IF they really DO 'love' each other? They WILL act on doing their best to make it work.

 

As for her? To run out now & look at dating sites? If this is just b'cause it's in terms of a 'vengence'? It's wrong.

What she is possibly going to do is 'ruin herself' mentally & emotionally this way.

 

Whether they can/do work it out or not- Everyone NEEDS some down time to deal with and accept their issues and their 'loss'. (to grieve- deal with the pains...lonliness..confusion..etc) after a break up.

Worst thing for her to do at this time, is start seeking out another man. Im sure she is NOT ready for that.

 

Maybe YOU can have a good chat with her, sometime, soon and 'try' to get some of this to sink into her head. She may be totally messed up emotionally right now.

But- remember.. you cannot make her do anything.. just try to make her aware & possibly what's best?

 

Good luck

[londonbridge]

Thanks everyone for your input. What everyone has said reconfirms my own viewpoints on the situation. I feel exactly how you guys are feeling...

 

I held my tongue and didn't say any of what I truly thought to her because I know she needed someone to listen to and comfort her first and foremost. I will give her these advices, and hopefully she will be strong enough to do the hard work of figuring her stuff out.

 

I'm pretty certain, as is she, that there is something wrong with her, chemically imbalanced or some kind of mental health issue...that is making her so crazy. I'm not sure if she is bi-polar...but there is something that is making things hard for her.

 

She's sought out professional counsel and various doctors throughout the years, but it seems nothing has been diagnosed. Albeit, she doesn't live in the Western world, so some things that are diagnosed in the West, may not be a concern or recognized by the health authorities in her country of origin. She realizes this, so she has done her own research online to try to figure out what is making her chemically imbalanced. However, even if she does do all the research, it doesn't necessarily help much if the health officials in her country have no expertise on the disease or mental health issue.

[londonbridge]

Why are you so concerned? Do you honestly think an on/off long distance relationship full of tension and rows is what dreams are made of? Its dysfunctional. Id be encouraging her to move on-not try to get him back... but each to their own

 

I realize you are being snarky and I don't appreciate it, but of course I don't think a dysfunctional long distance relationship is ideal.

 

To answer your question, I'm concerned about her just leaving him hanging like that because I feel that it's better for the both of them to communicate with one another. To me, the effort to communicate resolves most problems. Since she's the one that snapped at him, I feel it's up to her to reach out, not the other way around. I feel like what happened is such a small thing to break up over. Why ruin the engagement over something like that? I've seen them together and they make each other happy when they are together(even if there are occasional fights -and I'm pretty sure that's normal couple behavior).

 

On the other hand, even though I would hope they could work out their differences through strong communication, something I would like to encourage her to do, but at the same time, I can see that, her flipping out like that and then deciding to quickly dissolve the engagement so unnecessarily is a huge red flag and that perhaps it's best for the both of them if it is over. I felt split 50/50 on the situation because things are never just black and white when it comes to people and problems. There are other details I left out b/c I didn't want to post a long unreadable post, so there's that as well.