Boyfriend has become a hermit

[Unreasonable]

I consider myself a homebody, I have no friends outside of work and they're more like acquaintances. I am uncomfortable talking to people I don't know. I could totally understand not wanting to go to a wedding with a bunch of people I don't know. I'd do it, but not happily.

 

Still, I take my wife out on a date every week without fail. You can do that and barely have to talk to anybody else (waiter, ticket taker, etc). I can't imagine NOT doing that. I'd feel like room mates.

 

I honestly think your BF is in a rut and depressed.

[Lonewing]

He buys you a teapot for your birthday and then says make me tea?

 

I sure hope you didn't.

 

Well, it could have been brewed with X-lax...

[Lonewing]

Thanks BigKK - your message is true on so many levels.

 

The thing that makes me the most sad is that he is not boring - he is incredibly clever and funny, but it's really not enough right now, and not seen nearly enough. I am not a princess and don't expect to be doted on all the time but yes; a meal or a night out would make all the difference.

 

Then sit down with him and Make This Clear. Otherwise, it's girl got her boots walking time...

[Thorshammer]

Hes a homebody like me, except hes combining that too much with being too comfortable- which is coming off very selfish and inconsiderate. Women have left me for being too much of a homebody, i learned my lesson (sort of) its time for him to learn his too.

 

Put your foot-down, or accept the relationship as is. For many people- this is grounds for a clash in LIFE-compatibility, which is enough for most to throw in the towel.

[bulletproof]

I know I got bored going out drinking all the time too and just stopped. It's really unhealthy and everyone stops at some point.

 

Okay, but did you stop going to weddings with your wife, meeting her friends occasionally, or going to dinner for her birthday?

[bulletproof]

So does your boyfriend work? Does he leave the house to do so?

[pl3asehelp]

Okay, but did you stop going to weddings with your wife, meeting her friends occasionally, or going to dinner for her birthday?

 

No, but I SO, SO, SO hated all those weddings in my 20's. At some point a person should be able to draw a line and stop attending these. That was really excruciating. Only things worse are work parties.

[girlneedslove]

Hey Kitty...

 

I'm sorry I may not have advice for you, but let me just tell you I FEEL YOU girl! My boyfriend is a total homebody, he always has been, and I went into our relationship knowing that. I, on the other hand, LOVE to go out, dance, see places, take pictures and other romantic couple things. It always makes me sad when I get a cool idea of something to do, and all my guy wants to do is stay home because he "hates traffic." Even if I'm the one driving! I mean, all he has to do is sit there! And it doesn't end there... I always pay for dates because he doesn't have a job, and when the XBOX 1 came out, guess who bought one, AND 3 games to go with it!? He said he spent all his savings on it. And all this time I've been paying for restaurant tabs and beer and movie tickets. There has to be an end to this selfishness and outright oblivion for the pain and confusion they cause! My heart goes out to you girl... but hey, at least your man gave you something...

[kitty1984]

Hi guys,

 

I've really enjoyed reading through these posts and everyones thoughts. Thanks.

 

I think I may have lost a close friend because of this - I do feel a bit like a live a double life and it's really starting to get to me.

 

I am going to have a conversations with him this month - I can't see it going well. The only reason I'm waiting is because I can get out of the lease on our home in February.

[missmarple]

It was my birthday last week - I had asked for a necklace I had seen months before (very inexpensive) - I woke up on my birthday and he'd bought me a teapot, which he then asked me to make tea in.

 

I would throw the teapot at him and tell him to make his own tea...and then pack his bags.

 

Depression or complacency or whatever, you deserve better.

[kitty1984]

I would throw the teapot at him and tell him to make his own tea...and then pack his bags.

 

Depression or complacency or whatever, you deserve better.

 

 

This has made me smile thanks missmarple.

 

I'm feeling pretty glum about the whole thing today but know that when I (eventually) do something, it is going to be for the right reasons.

 

I've stayed indoors with him almost all of this Christmas and New Year period. The only time really I did anything is when I went home to my mums.

 

I had friends round for the first time ever as my boyfriend was away at a football match and staying overnight. He went out partying til 4am. It was a real slap in the face when we wouldn't go for 1 early afternoon drink with me on New Years Eve. I'd also wanted to spend new year with my mum but didn't want to leave him on his own. His excuse this time was 'I don't want to'

[kitty1984]

On another note, my Christmas presents were actually very nice. Not a teapot in sight

[shelty24]

He wont go anywhere with you but he will go away for the night with the lads and go partying?

 

You deserve better than this!

[missmarple]

I had friends round for the first time ever as my boyfriend was away at a football match and staying overnight. He went out partying til 4am. It was a real slap in the face when we wouldn't go for 1 early afternoon drink with me on New Years Eve. I'd also wanted to spend new year with my mum but didn't want to leave him on his own. His excuse this time was 'I don't want to'

 

He considers you a given, that's why he doesn't make any effort.

Show him it isn't so.

[kitty1984]

Hi all.

 

A lot came out this weekend and it looks like that's the end for us. One particularly biting remark was that he thought I was a rude person, and he doesn't want to go and sit accross a table from me because he doesn't like what I have to say.

 

Didn't quite expect that one.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Ummm, wow, and he called you rude? Yeah, I think you need to make plans to move out/split up. He sounds surly and a bit mean too. Who needs that?

 

He's just become dead weight in your life, so time to free yourself!

[kitty1984]

It certainly seems that way. He was the one who suggested handing in our notice with the landlord. Housing is going to be a big issue with all of this but there is a way around everything.

 

I've emailed him this morning asking him where we go from here and have not heard anything back. I suppose in an ideal world I'd like us to compromise and carry on in a better position, but if I'm being totally honest with myself I can't see things changing.

 

I spent most of this weekend in our bedroom, and cried a lot. I was ill last night with an ongoing medical complaint, and in a lot of pain. As he wasn't talking to me he didn't offer to go and buy me painkillers (I did that myself) and made a snide comment because I went back to bed without saying anything to him. I felt really lonely last night and just needed a cuddle.

 

We will see how tonight goes but, as I said, I don't hold out any hope.

[lavenderdove]

I made a decision to divorce my ex-husband when I realized I was more lonely living with him than living alone! It is really horrible living with someone who is only interested in pleasing himself... you need to decide whether you think he is as interested in your welfare as you are in his, but if it is a one-way street where he never pays attention to your needs but expects you to take care of his, and is mean and surly, then I'd suggest finding a new BF.

[mandylion]

Kitty, are you still there?

I just need someone to talk to. My boyfriend is a complete recluse too, and like you, it's hurting me. I spend a lot of nights crying because he's not meeting my needs... something that he can't understand. And talking to him about it is impossible unless I'm anticipating an argument.

Things that should be simple... like getting him to visit me at my place instead of his, turn into huge arguments because he simply refuses to do it, and comes up with all sorts of excuses. Makes me feel like I'm being terribly demanding just for wanting to have a normal dating relationship.

I can't talk to any of my friends about it, because they wouldn't understand... and I wouldn't want to expose him like that.

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out between you and him...

But please... if you're there... I'm in such a bad place right now... and nobody understands. but i know you understand... like you're ex, my boyfriend is actually a really nice, smart, and funny person, who has a lot in common with me other than tending to prefer to stay isolated. How can I leave somebody that I love, and who loves me? But it's tearing me up inside. I just feel so hurt

[Batya33]

At this point I would go out on your own/with friends and also start doing volunteer work, join a gym, join a community theater group, etc.

[mandylion]

the problem isn't that I don't have a social life. It's that he refuses to.

[Lonewing]

Why Does He Need To Have Your Social Life?

[faraday]

When we agreed to move in together properly I told him that I really wanted him to at least meet my friends if we were going to do this, and he said he would. Obviously nothing has come of this.

 

This is a valuable learning lesson for you. The writing was on the wall before you even moved in together. If you need to make someone promise to do/not do something...you're asking them to change. They aren't the right fit for you. You can't change someone. He's been antisocial from the beginning.

 

I'm sorry that your heart is hurting. Time...and space away from him...will heal you. He's not your the one...there's someone better for you. Make sure you learn from this...and when you start dating again, if you find yourself with a partner with a major character flaw...just leave. Good luck

[Lonewing]

This is a valuable learning lesson for you. The writing was on the wall before you even moved in together. If you need to make someone promise to do/not do something...you're asking them to change. They aren't the right fit for you. You can't change someone. He's been antisocial from the beginning.

 

I'm sorry that your heart is hurting. Time...and space away from him...will heal you. He's not your the one...there's someone better for you. Make sure you learn from this...and when you start dating again, if you find yourself with a partner with a major character flaw...just leave. Good luck

 

They are a perfectly fine fit for you if you stop trying to make them out to be something they're not.

 

In other words, when you accept people as they are and not as the people you want them to turn into, you are typically rewarded with none of the disappointment that comes from have unrealistic and inappropriate expectations of this other human being.

 

Your spouse/partner is not supposed to be anything and everything for you, there's some things you can give and take on and other things you simply have to respect.

[faraday]

They are a perfectly fine fit for you if you stop trying to make them out to be something they're not.

 

In other words, when you accept people as they are and not as the people you want them to turn into, you are typically rewarded with none of the disappointment that comes from have unrealistic and inappropriate expectations of this other human being.

 

Your spouse/partner is not supposed to be anything and everything for you, there's some things you can give and take on and other things you simply have to respect.

 

Why did you quote me?

 

 

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