Fiance and his mom

[Moonphase]

Gonna try not to write a novel here, sorry guys!

 

So my fiance lives in Canada with me, and his family lives in America where he's from. He hasn't seen them in over a year, which doesn't bother him much because he isn't very close with them. Especially his mom. She is bipolar and often has "psychotic breaks". She will call at 4am sobbing and talking about God, hook up with guys not much older than my fiance, accuse her (now ex) husband of kidnapping/murder....and that's just the tip of the iceberg. She is also kind of mean to my fiance and treats him like he's a disappointment.

 

So anyway, she recently had another one of these episodes, and my fiance basically gave up. He hasn't called her for months and says he's tired of the never ending cycle. He thinks that maybe she stops taking her meds on purpose (which could be true but we will never know). He says she will never apologize for anything or change the way she treats him so why bother?

Now, she just got divorced and is only allowed to see her daughter a few hours a week. She lost her job and is on house arrest for breaking a protection order. She keeps sending me messages on facebook about how angry she is that he wont call and implying that he is a bad son, and saying things like "What if I died right now, how would he feel about that?" She is BIG on guilt tripping people, which is another reason he hates talking to her - she does nothing but try to make him feel bad about every little thing.

 

I have told him I think he needs to call her, and explained that she's not in a good spot right now, but I dont think he'll do it. I understand how hard it must've been growing up with her, and still dealing with her now, but he really shouldn't just cut her out of his life....now I have her messaging me all the time about it and I dont know what to say.

 

Is this something I should stay out of for the most part? I feel like I should just let him know my feelings and tell him what I think is best, and just let him take it from there....he is an adult and I wont force him to do anything. I just want to protect him from making a bad decision... Is this the right thing to do?

[Seraphim]

He needs to deal with this in his own way. If her messages bother you so much just block her on Facebook. I have a bipolar father I understand. I talk to my father when he's well and I don't bother interacting with him when he is in an extremely manic phase. After a while you just cannot take being abused anymore. My husband never tells me how to interact with my father he lets me deal with that. Being raised by a mentally ill parent is extremely difficult. You have to have very strong boundaries. You can have compassion yes but you can't allow them to abuse you.

[chitown9]

It is up to your fiance to deal with his mother as he sees fit. You need to stay out of it. You need to tell his mom what he does is his decision and his decision alone. Block her if you have to. chi

[Mesemene]

The furthest I might go would be to suggest he join a support group or therapy for people dealing with seriously mentally ill family members. It takes one heck of a toll - and he may have removed himself from the situation because he literally can't take anymore of the back and forth and the abuse the illness causes.

 

Focus on your fiance's mental and emotional health, and make sure HE is in a good place. The best you can do in a situation like this is to do your best to support him and make sure he has any other support and help he needs - and let him decide how much he can deal with, and when he has to gain some distance for himself.

 

And I would distance myself from his mom. Don't let her put you in a position where you feel like you're in the middle. Just tell her politely that your priority is for your fiance - her son - and by offering him your unconditional and undivided support, you are confident he will make whatever decision is best for him.

 

And then block her.

[SooSad33]

You've made your 'suggestion', rest is up to him.

It's sad, cause I can imagine how difficult & frustrating it is for him. How about YOU kindly remove her from you fb?

So YOU don't get any of this 'belittling' or guilt anymore?

 

As for the poor guy, being her son, like he said, he's fed up with it. Thankfully, he is NOT near her, right? May be a good thing.

If things start affecting him- if you note some negative turn around, maybe mention some counselling?

Good for you to stand by him & be this supportive & caring. Yes, sometimes we cannot handle some family issues & 'need' that break.

 

Could he possibly talk with his father or a friend of his mom's at all? Ask THEM to talk with her or keep watch on her?

As he can NOT help her at this time....

 

Good luck,

 

tc