male friend is upset I married

[JRay1980]

I had a friend in the past- him and I had an awesome connection. We hung out a lot and at first we were strictly friends. I started to get very close to him, we were both connected and there was a energy, a pull every time we spent time together. As time went on, an exboyfriend came back in the picture- that is when he decided to tell me his feelings and put it out there that he wanted us to start dating. I lied to him and said I didn't want to date him. I think I made a rash decision, because I wanted nothing more than to date him, but I also knew that my exboyfriend and I had 5 years invested and loved him. So, I hurt my friend because the very next day, we weren't as close. We worked together so he couldn't avoid me....so we remained casual. We spent time together but not as much. One night, we kissed and he tried to get me to go into his apartment but I didn't let things go further. I left, and things got even worse after that. I had turned him down not one, but two times. A couple of months later, he left our job and I didn't hear from him again until he found me online seven years later. When we first got back in touch, he was engaged to be married. He and I talked here and there, nothing major. But I've always had feelings for him, always wondered how my life would of been and if we'd still be together if I would of said yes. I've never met anyone like him. He stilll to this day was more suited for me than my ex at the time, who is now my husband (we are separated now and no, this is not why I did it. we had this coming for a long time) a few months ago, my friend and I finally had the "Talk". granted, it had been over a year since we first made contact again- only seeing each other one time for coffee which was mostly friendly but I still felt the pull with him in some way, I just was more aware of it being friends only and his fiance had left him so he was in a bad place. anyway, we had a chat and stuff finally came out. He he told me about how he felt being around me. How he had an insane desire for me, how we were like best friends and that he still remembers how good of a kisser I am and how he wanted to be with me. He told me that the attraction is still there, but that I am married and that he is dating around. What I got out of the conversation was that he was upset I was married, that he still isn't over everything that happened. Since that conversation, he's been aloof. One night he messaged me and asked me to meet him for coffee and the day of- he backed out on me and hasn't spoken to me since. I am afraid I can't even have him as a friend now. I think he is afraid to be around me because of feelings coming back up. For me, the fact that both of us still think of each other and are attracted after that long, I do' tknow what to do. I can't get him to even talk to me. I sent him a text almost a week ago that went unanswered. I am very upset because I want him and I to be close friends again. Ugh.

[mhowe]

There is nothing to be done. Seeing you would be too difficult for him.

[Iggles]

You are not friends. The title of this thread is misleading.

 

The moment you kissed, you crossed the line of friendship. He has feelings for you. You had and possible still have feelings for him. The fact that you are still comparing him to your husband as a more compatible romantic partner illustrates why you cannot be friends!

 

You're separated. Have you decided if you want to try again with your husband or divorce? Figure that out FIRST before entertaining whether or not to start up with this guy. And make no mistake, if you end up "talking" to him it's because you want to be with him. Stop pretending you are platonic friends. It's not what you guys are seeking from one another.

[samanthajones]

Ok. The guy was really hurt by you in past and os now dealing with another painful_ stressful situation. He cant deal with more stress. If you rekindled things now it would most likley result in a weird -emotional-drama.. dont be to mad he didnt respond..,anyways. You need to really figure out your situation. If you find yourself divorced, single and open to move on then totally look this guy up and explain yourself...maybe you could send one more text telling him that and say you dont need him to respond...if that will make you feel better..but i dunno. He might not take it right way..

[Lambert]

I agree with iggles. You really are not friends.... But it sounds like you are both at a crossroads again... His fiancée left, you are separated. I think his silence is him dealing with his issues. Maybe once he gets his head on straight you will hear from him. I think you should work out your life as to whether you are staying married or not.... Deal with whatever you decide.

 

Probably from his perspective he is messed up with his own bad relationship, throw in whatever he feels for you and you being separated. Right now there isn't a lot to talk about. You both need to decide what you want... And that could be nothing. In which case, what is there to say?

 

Let it be for now. Get yourself together... See how you feel. The rest will come.

[JRay1980]

I sent him an email this morning. I want to be friends and it hurts me that he doesn't really bother with me. I know it's a sticky situation, but he doesn't need to ignore me. I am not going to press the issue of being together and I just have a need to be around him. If he doesn't respond this time, I will cut off all contact with him.

[lavenderdove]

You seem to not really understand what commitment means... you want to drift in and out of these pseudo-romantic 'friendships' that are really about romantic attraction and attention and drama. Once you commit to someone (as you should have with your husband/BF), you don't fool around romantically or physically with another guy as if you're a single girl and these kinds of sexually charged 'friendships' need to stop entirely.

 

He's probably realized this and doesn't trust you. He saw you fooling around with him when you were with your BF (future husband), and now you're still married and trying to fool around with him. So he just doesn't trust that you'll ever commit to anybody including him. And he's smart enough to know that you don't really just want friendship, you like living in this kind of romantic limbo with more than one man at a time, and he's probably not interested in that. And he probably doesn't want to do this with a married woman, and until you are totally divorced, he may want nothing to do with you at all.

 

Regardless of how much you feel you 'need' him to be your friend, you really want more than friendship from him. So you're not being honest with yourself about that, and he knows it, and i suspect he's decided there is too much drama with you, and he doesn't trust that you'd ever really commit to him because you played footsie with him while you were with your future husband and chose the husband rather than him. So he doesn't see you as a good option, so is moving on and letting go. You will probably have to do the same, and next time, don't form any of these kinds of pseudo-romances with men when you are dating/married to someone else.

[mhowe]

I sent him an email this morning. I want to be friends and it hurts me that he doesn't really bother with me. I know it's a sticky situation, but he doesn't need to ignore me. I am not going to press the issue of being together and I just have a need to be around him. If he doesn't respond this time, I will cut off all contact with him.

 

Well --- it is not about just your wants and needs.

 

Both sides have to want to be friends. He does not.

You "need" to be around him....he does not want to be around you.

 

Leave him alone.