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Is This Guy Playing Me or What?


caliguuurl

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So I've never really been to a forum before to talk about personal issues in my life, but lately I have been faced with a tough situation that I am not quite sure how to go about. This is about a guy, Trevor, and I and our "relationship". So Trevor and I met over spring break during my second year of college but I was in a relationship with someone else at the time. We had instant chemistry and flirted even though my boyfriend was also on the trip. We obviously kept it to friendly matters and only went as far as exchanging numbers toward the end of the trip. Little did I know that he had a girlfriend as well. When spring break ended, Trevor and I would text a little back and forth but not much more than just saying we wanted to continue to hangout with all of our friends together and that we had a good trip.

 

Fast forward to a little under a year later to my third year of college and my previous relationship ends. Trevor and I hadn't really continued talking much into the summer even though we both lived in the same city. We'd see each other every now and then at parties but not much more. The spark that happened over spring break was still there but we just hadn't been in a situation to feel it again between rocky relationships on both our ends and being busy in general. Trevor remained in his relationship while mine had ended. We started to talk a little again but I was hesitant since he still did have a gf. This is when things start to complicate. Around a month ago, Trevor and I ended up at the same bar with some other friends. In my new single status, I decided to talk to him but held onto the thought of his relationship. His friend approached me and said something about how Trevor had been talking about me all night up to that point and I couldn't stop myself from asking him about Trevor's girlfriend. He said "they were taking a break". She doesn't go to our school so I do not know her. Him and I ended up making out a bar after a long night of drinks and flirting. I felt uneasy still because what if this girl was seeing their "break" as healthy time apart but still remaining faithful to each other.

 

However, I concluded with the idea that it wasn't my problem at the end of the day and I could only trust in Trevor's word. I'm not the one in any relationship. Well over the course of a few weekends since, him and I have slept together in the same bed at the end of the night and will cuddle and talk a little but nothing more (not even kissing). This has happened about three or four times since the initial bar makeout. Everything seems great and we get along amazing, and can just laugh together and have fun. I feel happy and I can only imagine he does too. He never tries to pull any moves on me or pressure me into doing anything more than just hanging out so I can't help but feel that he's not merely using me for sexual reasons. It just becomes a sticky situation because some nights out at the bar I'll notice that he'll be on his phone having an ongoing conversation and will say stuff like 'Oh my ex is yelling at me' or something along those lines. And the most weird part of it all, they're still in a Facebook relationship, at least on his profile. I know that Facebook isn't always the most reliable resource, but wouldn't a guy who has become this involved with another female (me) take down his previous relationship if it were really over?

 

We never really text during the busy school weeks and he never asks to hangout aside from when we see each other out or plan to meet up out at the bars or a party. Some would say this indicates he's only using me for bootycall reasons, but like I said above, we never do anything except cuddle and sleep. Wouldn't a guy give up after a few nights if nothing was happening and that was his only intention? I just don't want to keep developing feelings for this guy who has no intention of truly ending his other relationship, cutting off contact and starting something new with me, or anyone for that matter. Is he playing with me or what? My gut instincts say yes, but I can't help but go back to the spark that we both surely felt when we first met and the undeniable chemistry between us even now. But would I even ever be able to trust a guy like that?

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"However, I concluded with the idea that it wasn't my problem at the end of the day and I could only trust in Trevor's word. I'm not the one in any relationship."

 

What a lovely and selfless attitude! Not! Time to think of others!

 

You know what's going on! Of course he's with her. Why would he be having the convos on the phone with her.

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People are complicated and I don't think there is any one-size-fits all answer to your question. Men, just like women, are attracted others for all kinds of reasons outside of sex. It's highly possible that Trevor is feeling attached and connected to you and isn't merely looking for a booty call. It's also highly likely that he is emotionally and even physically involved with a girlfriend, as well. It's super possible for us to feel close and connected to multiple people at one time. It seems much more complicated than asking whether or not he is using you for a booty call.

 

I would wonder what would lead you to be attracted and engaged in this way with a fella that you can't quite trust. What are you ultimately interested in? If you're looking to learn more about yourself, relationships, and others, then you'll stand to gain a lot no matter what ultimately happens with Trev. If you're interested in a committed, mutual, monogamous relationship, I don't know that Trevor's your guy!

 

I'd love a follow-up on this when you get more clarity!

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You should never ever play cuddley-poo with a guy where you aren't 100% sure of what his relationship status is or whether he is truly single or not.

 

He could be working up to cheating with you, or really be in love with his GF and waiting to see if she'll take him back or not. Or just plain lie about being 'on break' and really be working up to cheating with you, after getting you to accept that he isn't going to see you often, and only for these 'cuddling' sessions that will eventually turn into booty calls rather than really dating.

 

So knock off the cuddling until you are sure of his status, and that he is really dating you and is really free from this GF of his rather than just seeing you when his GF isn't around. And make sure he is taking you on proper one on one dates rather than just hanging out with you at the bar. Otherwise he can get away with telling his GF he's not dating anyone when she isn't around, just hanging out at the bar with his 'friends'.

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Unless Trevor tells you, "I'm broken up with my girlfriend and I want you to be my girl" he is still in a relationship with the other girl. It may be a rocky one, it may be they're fighting, but for whatever reason Trevor hasn't put the nail in the coffin by declaring them done and changing his FB status. Which takes all of less than two seconds when you're serious about, "We.are.done." He cuddles and holds back wth you, so when his girlfriend eventually finds out about you he can say, "But I didn't have sex with that woman. We're just friends." He's doing these things with you, because the girlfriend isn't there to see what's going on right? I take it she doesn't live in the same city and so of course he's all set for a bit of fun while she's back home thinking he's being faithful to her and just needs some space--not needing some space with another woman occupying it.

 

Also how do you know Trevor didn't tell his friend to put out the whole, they're taking a break thing? Just a thought there.

 

Why not just ask Trevor, "So are you with her or not?" And then when he hems and haws and says, "Oh but I can't just yet" or but, but, but, but, but you can hop out of the bed you're cuddling together in and tell him to call you when he's free and clear and not being a cheater any more. And yes he is a cheater.

 

And the whole shrugging off your own responsibility in this little charade of, but he's the one cheating not me, is a load of crap. You know it, we all know it, stop trying to justify your own part in this little charade. If you really wanted to know if he was single and free you'd have just asked, but you don't because you know the answer and you know it's one you won't like. Sorry to be so harsh, but I never give a pass to cheating behavior from either the cheater in a relationship OR the person who's with a cheater and knows they're in a relationship. And you do know, you just don't want to.

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"I decided it wasn't my problem"

The way I see it you're actually the only one *with* a problem! Trevor gets a gf and a casual snuggle buddy while making very little effort and his gf has no clue what's going on. No one has a problem except for you. And yes, you're being played. Because you're letting it happen.

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