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intense anxiety when dating, need helpful objective advice


alexdeer

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Ok so I have issuees self esteem, insecurities, and some others.

 

I have just started dating someone and its following the same disasterous course as it always does. At the start I am a strong confident happy fun girl then bang as soon as I realise how much I like someone I become insecure, panicky and anxious. I focus on everything negative and completely over look anything positive and its like I am so anxious I am just waiting for it to completely fall apart and when it does I realise what an idiot I have been.

 

So, I have been seeing a guy who I kind of knew through a club then met again and we hit it off. Everything was going amazing he is a sweet, generous guy I had my insecurities but I trusted this guy innately which helped so I wasnt too bad. Then he had a panic attack and turns out he was in an abusive relationship and at first didnt want to date. He explained in great detail and many of his fears were the same as my own and we agreed to keep dating taking it slow as he had a tendency to plan for the future.

We went away for the weekend and had a really good time except we got so drunk we had a fight where he became emotional and angry and I became emotional upset. We both said stupid stuff I apologised the next morning and he pretended to forget everything except what my issue was.

When we parted he had a hangover so had been surly through the day but was super sweet when we said goodbye as he works away for a fortnight at a time. But since then he takes nearly a whole day to contact me or he will just blatantly ignore my txts and sit on facebook. When we do communicate it seems like everything is normal although he isnt as sweet and chatty saying things like I miss you anymore. I know he wouldn't contact me or reply at all if he wasn't interested but im not sure if hes not interested at all or if this is his way of slowing down. All my insecurities have come out tenfold I cant seem to concentrate on anything else except why doesn't he reply to me but goes on fb. My mum says I should not worry hel reply just give him some space but my head is in overdrive and im forgetting the stuff he does which shows he likes mw and this is HUGE.

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I think it's appropriate to ask him what's going on...if it is just him slowing things down a bit or if he's lost interest. Perhaps try some therapy to help you navigate your insecurities, etc. in relationships so you don't sabatoge yourself.

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You are WAY in your head right now. I can totally relate to what you wrote - not until I really feel something for the person do I become insecure. I was with my boyfriend for three or so months before I really fell hard for him and realized how much I liked him and until that point I gave zero craps about anything - and the day that changed, I became a paranoid, insecure, mess of a person. I've had to work relentlessly on this. It is a personal issue for me, as I've always been insecure, and he had given me no reason to act so callously, but sometimes these things happen. You realize the person you are with has these certain attributes, characteristics, even physical attractions -- and it all becomes intensified.

 

Try not to focus on the negative. Live in the present. Enjoy learning about him and put no expectations or limits on things that are unwarranted. Stop second guessing yourself. He chose to be with you and would not be if he didn't like you. If it is very difficult, seek a therapist. I did. She helped some but it wasn't until *I* was fully ready, fully in tune with myself and wanted to be the best ME and best girlfriend I could be that my thinking changed and my focuses shifted to what is normal and I feel so much more content. Your anxiety lessens when YOU want it to, not because you wish it away. You YOURSELF have to make that decision, and follow through with it. If your love has given you no reason to act all nutty or think odd things, then it is on you to really evaluate what is going on.

 

It is so possible to sabotage things without realizing it. I almost did it myself. I almost wrecked a beautiful relationship with a beautiful, steadfast man because my head got in the way - I read too much crap people went through on here, listened to too much media, and put too much thought into my friends' misfortunes and literally assigned those terrible behaviors to my SO because I wanted to prepare myself for that, even though he had NO intention of doing any of that. Many discussions later, I have taken responsibility and learned. You must do the same. Be introspective and stop putting your insecurities onto him.

 

Look at him separately, and if he deserves your love, give it. And give it fully. Do not rob yourself of a blissful relationship. Otherwise, step away. Be true to yourself.

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Thank you so much for your advice. I asked him for some clarification and it turns out the guy has even more issues than I do I feel for him and im absolutely disappointed as he has said he cant handle us dating anymore and needs to go work on his issues. I dont dislike him for this I dislike the situation. In regards to myself I think its made me realise I need to start therapy and fix my head. The fact that you and so many others has pulled through and managing this gives me hope for my future.

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