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When do you make the relationship exclusive/official?


person100

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Hello all,

 

I have been going out with a guy for a month straight. We have been out 6 or 7 times, and we have had sex. We talk daily, and he often refers to activities he'd like to do in the future. We are both in our 20s for your information. We met on an online dating site, and he's mentioned a few times how he doesn't go on the site at all anymore, and should delete his profile. I have reciprocated the feeling. Despite this being said, we haven't had an official discussion about what we are, where we stand, etc. How do I bring this up? Is it too early, or should I want for him to initiate that type of conversation? I'd like to know where this is going at this point. I've dealt with a lot of "fade outs" and flakes, so I'm naturally concerned about that. I haven't had a relationship in a while so I feel new at this...any advice?

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Hahahaha...i'm so glad I'm OLD! I never in my entire life ever had to have an 'exclusive' talk. Back in the day, you either dated that ONE person...or if you dated multiples...you were a player!

 

I would figure if you were only seeing each other, and HAVING SEX, you would be exclusive!! duh. But now days, everyone has to have the 'talk'. Which i never even HEARD of until i joined eNA! lol

 

Just bring it up. Hey, since we're not dating anyone else, and have no desire to....does that mean we are 'exclusive'?

 

I would feel like such a sleaze sleeping with multiples. I did it in my early 20's for about 2 months. I call it my 'promiscuous' period!

 

My feelings are: He probably thinks you are exclusive already...so have the damn 'talk'! Everything is so complicated these days!

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"The Talk" is not so silly.......

 

I'm in my 40's, and although not "exclusive" with anyone right now due to the demise of my 5 year relationship 10 months ago, she and I both were dating around when we met, began dating more and more, became intimate and ultimately had "the talk" stating that we mutually wanted each other exclusively........I think it's necessary, otherwise someone will eventually be hurt when the other is found to still be "out-there dating"......

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"The Talk" is not so silly.......

 

I'm in my 40's, and although not "exclusive" with anyone right now due to the demise of my 5 year relationship 10 months ago, she and I both were dating around when we met, began dating more and more, became intimate and ultimately had "the talk" stating that we mutually wanted each other exclusively........I think it's necessary, otherwise someone will eventually be hurt when the other is found to still be "out-there dating"......

 

I agree with this, but I also think you can figure it out without an actual talk. I've never had a talk. There's no right or wrong here.

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when: whenever you want to. I've been exclusive after the first date, or after six months.

 

how: just bring it up. it's good to do it when you feel the need, because you can ascertain that you're both in the same page. if you guys have been talking about deleting online profiles, that's where you ask "so, maybe it's a bit early, but what do you think about us? where is this going? are you ready to get exclusive?"

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I've also never had the talk. My last ex asked me to be his girlfriend which was the FIRST time someone had ever asked me this and I'm in my mid-20s. The guy I'm seeing currently... we are definitely exclusive but it wasn't really a talk. Just more of casual conversation about how we are only seeing each other, but it wasn't this serious planned talk. Just sorta discussed things and ever since then we've never discussed what we are as a couple or labels.

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thanks everyone for your input. I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling so insecure. Maybe due to the past few failed attempts at relationships, which made me scratch my head to say the least. I guess i just want to "seal the deal" because i really like this guy, but I don't want to seem desperate, clingy, etc. He mentioned how he wants to go on a vacation with me, discusses stuff far off in advance...makes me think he likes me...but I haven't heard from him much today.

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I'm in my late 40s, stopped dating in my late 30s, and always had the talk. The rare times I had to initiate it, it was because as it turned out that the guy was not that into me. I never had it after having sex. Usually it was within the first month or two of dating and the focus was on sex (meaning tying exclusivity to sex) on those rare times when I had to bring it up. I would think if you're comfortable having him inside your body you should be comfortable enough to have a brief conversation "what are your intentions towards me"? If he is interested in pursuing something potentially serious he will understand and the essential part of the conversation will be over about 60 seconds later. If he is ambivalent you'll either get a confused look or some explanation about why he can't be in a relationship with you right now. I'd wait until you're dating closer to 2 months.

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Not me! If he's talking to her every damn day, sleeping with her, taking himself off dating sites....I'd be pretty darn P'Oed if he was seeing someone behind my back!

 

The minute i start seeing someone on a regular basis, and sleeping with them i automatically ASSUME they aren't screwing someone else too!

 

Dang. Maybe they are. But not in MY day. They asked you out....and that was that, until they changed their mind to ask someone ELSE out. But today is another time, and new rules. I say, why wait another month. They are what we called in our day.....going steady....lol~

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Thank you Realitynut I wouldn't be too impressed to find out that he has been sleeping with/seeing other people at this point! Good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! I wish things were simpler, and I kind of like the way the dating scene sounded before

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I am 23, but each time I dated someone it was kind of exclusive from the beginning, once though the guy wasn't feeling "exclusive". Haha.)

But all the other times, and till now, I never talked with a guy I was dating if we are exclusive or not. With sex or without.

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Thank you Realitynut I wouldn't be too impressed to find out that he has been sleeping with/seeing other people at this point! Good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! I wish things were simpler, and I kind of like the way the dating scene sounded before

 

I dated when Realitynut dated and it was very simple -you simply had a one-two sentence conversation about your intentions. This became especially important in the mid-late 1980s and beyond because of HIV but my talks never had to do with that because they happened before we had sex. I'm just talking generally. Assuming isn't smart. He might not be dating anyone else but right now he is entitled to leave his options open if someone catches his eye -you need to confirm that he's interested in only seeing you AND closing off other options.

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I dated when Realitynut dated and it was very simple -you simply had a one-two sentence conversation about your intentions. This became especially important in the mid-late 1980s and beyond because of HIV but my talks never had to do with that because they happened before we had sex. I'm just talking generally. Assuming isn't smart. He might not be dating anyone else but right now he is entitled to leave his options open if someone catches his eye -you need to confirm that he's interested in only seeing you AND closing off other options.

 

thank you for your advice batya. I agree with everything you say! I need to step up ad ask what his intentions are. I just feel so nervous. I feel I'm the one with the problem here...not him. *sigh*

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thank you for your advice batya. I agree with everything you say! I need to step up ad ask what his intentions are. I just feel so nervous. I feel I'm the one with the problem here...not him. *sigh*

 

There is no problem -you just want to confirm that what he's mentioned and commented on amounts to him wanting to be exclusive with you. Please do not apologize for this as in "I know it's just a label" -it's not just a label.

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I wouldn't spend too much energy worrying about how it sounds. Seems he might be fumbling the ball a bit himself - so just tell him that hey, even though it feels kind of awkward to bring it up, your inactivity on the site is because at this time, you're only interested in seeing where your relationship with him is going, and you wanted to make sure you're on the same page.

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If you want to clear the air then I would just ask where he thinks this is going. I've always had "the talk" because I don't like uncertainty and I certainly don't want to be under the assumption that I'm exclusive with a guy when he's not on the same page.

 

I had been seeing my bf for around 2 months when he told me that he was starting to really fall for me. It seemed like a good time to bring up the talk so I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he confirmed that he wasn't, and that he didn't want to. That was good enough for me but a week later he also asked me if I would be his girlfriend.

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Many problems in life, be they personal, financial or family, arise from "assumptions" being made........

 

Never assume folks, you're absolutely BEGGING for it.........

 

Communication is much easier up-front, than explanation after-the-fact when someone has been hurt due to wrong "assumptions"............

 

Sorry, but I'm a communicator....

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