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advice on how to fall in love?


qpwoeiruty43

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I've been going through a break up for the past few months, it's officially over now. I guess there's a lot of things wandering around in my head like where it went wrong and all that stuff... We were both madly in love when we met, which I think is normal to any relationship. But the thing is, it was my first real relationship (ignoring childhood flings that lasted about a week...) and I honestly started to think it would last forever after a while. That we had both found the one. Then it started to crumble. I guess I know why now, it was a mixture of both of us just still being a bit young perhaps and not willing to compromise (we were both pretty hard headed). We argued, we broke up, we gave up, eh not important.

 

I guess the issue I'm struggling with now is falling in love again. It's been a while since the break up and I really do feel over him. When I think about him, I get nothing now. No more sadness, no more warm fuzzy feelings. Sure sometimes I smile thinking of the great times we had, but that's about it. I feel like I'm ready to move on. But the problem I'm facing is a mental struggle. I don't see myself ever falling in love again. So I wanted some advice from people who have gone through several break ups in the past... After having thought we would last forever, and then seeing it crumble... All I can think about whenever I go into any date now is that its not gonna work out anyways. I feel cynical. I feel like I can only ever get one foot in and one foot out at best. Sometimes, I even feel like dating is a waste of time cuz it'll never work out anyways. And when my last date told me they liked me, all I could think about was "eh.. you do now... but several months from now you won't"... How am i supposed to get over this....

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This made me think of what my mother told me when I was little, "There is somebody perfect out there for everybody. Your job is to be the best girl you can be so when you meet him, you will be giving him the best girl in the world." I don't know why that stuck with me, but she was convinced there was some mother out there raising a little boy to be the best boy for me, and she inturn was raising the best girl for him. She's Ukrainian, very traditional. I never really thought there was a boy out there for me, but I also thought that I was a good person and it wasn't impossible.

I don't think they have the whole "how to fall in love" thing figured out otherwise there would be so much love in this world. I would just say keep the faith, and be smart. If you can't compromise or have similar goals, no amount of love is going to make things world long term. You need a nice balance of "butterflies" and logic. There could be 10 very attractive seemingly perfect men standing in a room wanting to be with you, but you need to be aware enough to understand what you truly need to make your relationship work. Sometimes sitting down and writing out a list of what you want from a man can help, give you a visual idea of what your looking for. Not the whole "OOhhh blue eyes blond hair 5.9"..." garbage but maybe "Willing to compromise, light hearted, doesn't take things too personally," etc. And then make a similar list of what you think you can bring to a relationship, it might give you some perspective on what to look for in a mate.

Good luck

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I've been going through a break up for the past few months, it's officially over now. I guess there's a lot of things wandering around in my head like where it went wrong and all that stuff...

 

How am i supposed to get over this....

 

You are rushing the process, you don't seem healed yet. Going through a break up is a big emotional stress on both your body and your mind. Many people aren't ready to start dating until they take about 1/3 of the time they spent in the relationship out of it. So if you were dating for 1 year then you would by average standards be ready to start dating again in about 4 months time.

 

Of course this theory doesn't apply to everyone, and i can understand where you are coming from about the cynicism because i've been going through that a lot lately as well. It really doesn't matter how many relationships/flings/etc. a person has had, trusting another stranger with your heart is something that requires a leap of faith. You have to be ready to make that leap before you are ready to love again. Many people both in and out of these forums aren't ready to take that leap, so they don't find love. Some people think a relationship is sex + spending time together.

 

Well, its not. Its a lot more than that, there is a very spiritual side of falling in love. There is a lot of caring and nurturing involved, a lot of sacrifice and compromises involved. Imagine marriage, that is the be all end all to all relationship statuses, if you think a being a relationship with someone for less than a year is hard, trying the rest of you life. There will be dozens of sacrifices: financial, dream wise, sex wise, you name it. Many of those same sacrifices are made in regular relationships, well i'm probably talking to someone who might no even understand what i am babbling about, although you will in time. in time.

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