Ultimatums within a marriage

[tattoobunnie]

MY HUSBAND has been working on his associates degree for over 12 years! OMG - is he a procrastinator. I hope you realize, you cannot change him. Ultimatums will just make him resent you, more and more, and more with each day. What I would suggest is making what he has to do beneficial to him, or fun, or spicy, and make it a "we" thing when you can.

 

Like, let's wash these dishes now, so we can catch that awesome movie.

Or, I feel really scared about the car, I'm really nervous - could you take a look at it now? (Make him be the hero)

Or bring up safety with the kids, or great deals you can get if you act asap.

 

Demeaning them into doing something, emasculating them - will make you super ineffective when it comes to a procrastinator.

 

And it's only to nag, just be cute about it with the teasing - like, I figure it I ask you now, it'll get done two weeks from now, and be factual with dates you originally asked. Just to make a point.

 

And call them on it. Don't rely on your hubby if he hasn't done it...then do it yourself if you can. Or just stare at him, get in his fact (cute though), until he does it.

 

Just take a deep breath, and focus on why you love him.

 

And remember - just because you're married doesn't mean you can change them. Love them for who they are, so it's just gonna cripple the marriage. Keep in mind, procrastinators have deep-seeded issues, so you just have to come at it without acting like an authority figure!

 

Good luck. Deep breaths!!

[OptomisticGirl]

At that point, I would just fix the electrical stuff myself or pay someone to. The thing about being a procrastinator is, we know we are one. I am one. My husband is to a degree but not nearly as bad as I am. Did you know going into the marriage he was a procrastinator? If he's been like this your whole relationship it's not something that will change, you just need to change your methods of dealing with him. If you know he's going to procrastinate about something, just do it yourself or get someone else to.

 

Or try to reverse it - are there ANY times he's asked you to do something but you didn't do it, for whatever reason? That's what happens in my marriage. I asked my husband to hoover the house this weekend (his days off) and he said he would get it done by Sunday. Yeah, the floors still need hoovering. But I don't stress about it because I know right now there are a few things around the house he has asked me to do and I still haven't done them.

[pl3asehelp]

It's procrastination if it only affects he person putting things off. In your case OP, this is selfishness, irresponsibility, immaturity, and untrustworthiness. If he tells you he's going to fix something and then doesn't you just can't trust or depend on him - I don't see how a person like that can expect to be in a relationship. He could be more considerate to you if he cared to - it's not impossible for him to honor his commitments. He does this because you allow him to get way with it as if he's not actually capable of being responsible. Raise the bar.

[sammi87]

MY HUSBAND has been working on his associates degree for over 12 years! OMG - is he a procrastinator. I hope you realize, you cannot change him. Ultimatums will just make him resent you, more and more, and more with each day. What I would suggest is making what he has to do beneficial to him, or fun, or spicy, and make it a "we" thing when you can.

 

Like, let's wash these dishes now, so we can catch that awesome movie.

Or, I feel really scared about the car, I'm really nervous - could you take a look at it now? (Make him be the hero)

Or bring up safety with the kids, or great deals you can get if you act asap.

 

Demeaning them into doing something, emasculating them - will make you super ineffective when it comes to a procrastinator.

 

 

 

Thanks for the good wishes But see to me...this method you suggest above seems demeaning... It is treating him as I would treat a small child who is just beginning to learn about responsibility.

 

Also, I should mention again...my husband has never shown any concern over this issue (it was my sil). And in fact, I asked him yesterday evening how he felt when I said things like that. He looked perplexed over my usage of the word "ultimatum" and said he's never considered it that. Apparently to him, I am just "stating the facts", lol!

 

Perhaps this is why my sil is in the midst of a marital separation...

[sammi87]

At that point, I would just fix the electrical stuff myself or pay someone to. The thing about being a procrastinator is, we know we are one. I am one. My husband is to a degree but not nearly as bad as I am. Did you know going into the marriage he was a procrastinator?

 

I knew he was forgetful when I married him...but I would not have described him as a procrastinator. However, when we were married, we were in our early 20's with very little responsibility- maintenance fixed everything in the apartment, simple jobs, fewer bills, no pets ect!

[tattoobunnie]

Even though you clarified with him that what you are saying may not come off as as an ultimatum to him - that could also mean he doesn't take you seriously.

 

Just as my husband finds how I phrase things as motivating, and not demeaning as you are finding them, things are actually getting done on a timely basis with that method. You still haven't gotten him to get going, or stay accountable to getting what you are requesting done. So I would suggest to stay open to other people's suggestions.

 

I really don't see how treating him like your hero is childish or demeaning. He is my superman.

 

And I wouldn't tease your SIL like that. Have you thought the reason why they are separating is because she treated her husband the way you treat yours. And she doesn't want animosity to develop over time in your relationship. She could actually be looking out for you deep-down.

 

I also find that people who are passive will take ultimatums, and threats by others until they one day reach a boiling point, and just explode on their partner.

 

I hope you don't look at this like an attack. I've learned a lot of things THE HARD WAY!

[sammi87]

Tease? I don't see how posting to strangers anonymously online can be considered "teasing" my sil... And I suspect that her separation is over her affair with an old flame.

I mention her split only because it does seem odd to me that someone who should be focused on rebuilding her own marriage and seeing the kids through the changes...would have the time to be concerned over another person's marriage. Especially when the other couple isn't.

 

I don't know what your situation is...but I work a 40-50 hr week, shoulder the bulk of the housework and have 3 dogs and two piggies to take care of. I need to be able to speak to my husband directly. Not have to worry about sounding flirty.. coming up with rewards...or stroking his ego. We're both adults here, that shouldn't be necessary.

 

Thanks for everyone's time here. The bottom line is- it never occurred to my husband or I to call any of our interactions "ultimatums". We've been happily married for over 10 yrs So I think I'm gonna put this one to bed and next time...not worry so much about what someone else's misguided perception is!

[mhowe]

It doesn't sound like a happy marriage...you sound very frustrated.

And it appears that your husband just tunes you out.

[tattoobunnie]

If you were to equate how you work with your husband, it's would be same as saying that people all learn one way, and that's your way. Hate to break it to you, but some are visual people, others are auditorial, others tactile, and even then, others respond with through other methods. How you think and feel about something does not mean that is how others see it.

 

I am not sure where you going with detailing your schedule to us. Were to trying to say that those who don't work have the ability to beat around the bush, and never get to their point? Or were you trying to share that because you work full-time with responsibilities, you don't have to be tactful or mindful when asking to have something done? No matter who they are, you can catch more flies and more yes's with honey, then with getting defensiveness. I run and own three companies, sit on the board for a non-profit, fundraise scholarships for impoverished children, mentor young women in my industry, have a toddler to run after, and am the sole bread winner for the family, which includes a cat and dog, and welcome all of it...even then, I believe in taking the time to approach people as individuals, and in the way that carries over to them.

 

I work a 40-50 hr week, shoulder the bulk of the housework and have 3 dogs and two piggies to take care of.

 

The fact that you just state that "you do this" and don't mention your hubby helping you in that statement, sounds like you are overwhelmed, frustrated, and don't feel supported by him. Happy to hear you're happily married. Although the fact that you still aren't able to find common ground on getting things done that need to get done. There is nothing wrong with strengthening and improving your communication methods with others, and definitely with your partner. You should grow, not only with life experiences, but emotionally, and intimately.

 

If you ever find yourself uber defensive about a specific statement(s), there is a reason for it. There is a reason why you seek opinions. There's a bit truth there, and truth is pill people aren't so ready to swallow.

 

Good luck.

[Unreasonable]

If the car NEEDED to be fixed the next day, I don't really view that as an "ultimatum." I'd consider it a "heads up." Now, I'd probably phrase it in a way that didn't sound "ultimatum-ish" like just plain "I'm taking the car in tomorrow." Also, adding "and I'll pay whatever they ask for" makes no sense. Paying more than you have to doesn't help you or him and just sound vindictive and petty. If he protests, just say, "look, we can't keep putting this off" and that might spur him into fixing it himself.