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Thinking of calling ex for closure


cryingalways

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So me and my ex have not spoken since we broke up-2 months ago. He was very rude to me when breaking up and has had emotionally abusive outbursts, was controlling/jealous etc while we were together. But we were incredibly close for the relationship and so being apart clod turky like this has been very very hard.

 

My friend suggested to me today that I ring him for "closure". Because I spent a lot of my time wondering if he will call etc etc. He was in an angry state the last time I spoke to him-and was also when breaking up with me-so it might be good to have a calm discussion about the relationship ending.

 

I feel far far too weird never talking to him again. I do not intend on being his friend but it just feels like this big pressure weighing on me that we haven't spoken and I think I probably need closure.

 

I do miss him a lot but I would not say that. I would just ask how he is and say I agree with the break up (I did not before-mainly because I was in a state considering how cruelly he did it) and that I did care about him but I hope he has a nice life or something like that.

 

I'm not sure if it's a good idea but I am now considering it because I feel sometimes like I'm just waiting for him to appear one day-which although he might or might not-this call might help me deal with these feelings so I am back in the real world.

 

What does everyone think about that?

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Do not call your ex. Give yourself closure- outbursts, etc.- who needs that? You have the power to tie this part of your history up with a bow and put it away. You do not need your ex for that.

 

You will talk to each other eventually. Not now. Not any time soon.

 

It may help you to imagine how you might say goodbye at the end of the phone call. Then, you will hear how it will just be one last conversation, after which it will seem that you will never speak again.

 

Let this go.

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I just have this weird feeling he will ring me one day and taking it into my own hands myself is tempting. Also my friend says she thinks he is caught up in his pride and does not want to call me but wants me to call him. I just thought I'd put an end to it.

 

You are most likely right though-I was getting all nervous/excited about calling him and the emotions just take hold of you...

 

It would be nice if we could ever get to a point where we could end it together. Rather than the last time with him being all crazy and dominating. He might not want closure in that way though. I just think it would be a healthier way to be for us both. Perhaps I am living in a dream world....he should probably be apologising to me himself for the horrible stuff he said to me etc and I should be keeping my distance from him. I just wondered if it might be healthy for us both is all. Maybe I'll think about doing it in the future then. Thanks

 

Also I still miss him like a crazy lady. I guess I still want him back in a way.

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Stop this crazy train right now!

 

You will NOT get closure from him.

 

You will NOT reach a point where the two of you end the relationship in harmony.

 

It will NOT be *healthier* for you..... it will bring you a temporary rush followed by a huge setback if you have contact with him!

 

And given that you've always described him as EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE.... WHY ON EARTH would you care about making things easier for him -- or better for him -- or healthier for him??

 

LET IT GO. You're grasping at straws, scrambling for any excuse to justify contact. Knock it off. Go out for a run instead.

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It's already ended, your idea of closure is you really hoping he will want to reconnect with you. Don't go there. You got the closure you needed by him showing his true colors.

 

All this time you spend pining over an abusive jerks takes away from you finding a nice guy to be with.

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Oh sharky...

 

My mum just said to me that "Obviously people will be telling you not to do it! But it might help-if he's nasty you'd just think, well, that's the end of that!"

 

I do care about making things easier in the long run for him-because he needs to realise how bad his behavior is and me "agreeing" with the break up might make him think about his actions a bit more. But also, I think it would just be nice for me to have a conversation with him where I am in control of myself and show that I am not his door mat anymore.

 

I will leave it for now anyway. This conversation seems to have cooled me off about doing it which is good, thankyou.

 

I shall go back to my normal position of getting on with life whilst being expectant of the crawl back from him in the future (I know you all hate me being expectant but I find it's quite a comfy way for me to be and helps me get on so I'm going to continue that way. Gives me that tiny bit of power I've needed and lost for so long )

 

Haha. "Crazy train!" You crack me up sharky

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Don't.

 

It won't go the way you think it will. Get past the feeling weird. It's better to feel weird than to be embarrassed that the conversation does not go anywhere near how you're envisioning.

 

Closure only works when it comes to you organically. If you're trying to machine this, it'll fail.

 

Just leave things be. Whatever you need to say, open a word document, write it all out there and then delete it and be done. It'll be off your chest and off your mind and you don't need for him to witness you on this.

 

You will be walking head long into damage that you and only you will be doing to you--not him. You'll have yourself to thank when you're wracked by sobbing.

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You dont want closure you want to talk to him again and the whole closure thing is a good excuse. Before you call me crazy and how untrue it is, look at what you wrote, you said you still want him, you dont want to be friends and you miss him. Add in there that you have not spoken to him and you get "I want to call him" You are just making an excuse to call.

If you want to call, hey, knock yourself out but know that if he answers his phone you are going to be on cloud 9 talking to him, hearing his voice but the nano second you hang up you are going to hurt and be back to day one. You will cry then ask why did you do that?

So now that you know what could possibly happen and if you are willing to rip your heart out again, by allllll means, call him.

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I don't know what he would say. It just feels like it's lingering.

 

He's very insecure and unpredictable.

 

Part of me is scared that we would end up back together again actually. I think he wants me to beg him etc. But I wouldn't do that. I would just say things calmly and that he was right we should end it. He is completely in denial of his feelings and just exploded in anger at me the last times for nothing at all so I think he probably would like me to call to beg or something. But I thought being grounded etc and talking like a sensible adult might break this crazy cycle.

 

I know you guys are right. I did need to be told though, so thanks. My family and friend were all for it and encouraging me to do it for some strange reason.

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And I don't think I would be on cloud 9. There's a good chance he would just continue to be nasty to me-which would actually be a good result because it would make me remember he's nasty.

 

The danger is if he is nice and he wins me back to his side-and I have rung him to end up at that point-he would eventually be cruel again I think.

 

He's going through a stage where he's trying to hate me or something I reckon. Have fun with your denial silly man. So sad

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It's already ended, your idea of closure is you really hoping he will want to reconnect with you. Don't go there. You got the closure you needed by him showing his true colors.

 

All this time you spend pining over an abusive jerks takes away from you finding a nice guy to be with.

 

This is absolutely true.

 

Also: your messages include sentences like "it would be healthier for us both" etc. (1) You do not control him, so you cannot control the outcome of the conversation nor the way he will participate. (2) What is healthier for him is his decision to make an dis none of your concern. (3) What is healthiest for you is to start thinking of you. Saying your sentences in terms of you, and you alone. (4) Trust in the process of being apart. This feeling you are having, it is part of the process.

 

To your mother's point of "it might help" because it will remind you what a jerk he is: well, you know that already.

 

Finally: use this time to ask yourself why you were able to get comfortable with someone who is controlling and emotionally abusive. What is your part it in it? Do some google searches on co-dependent relationships and attachment styles. You may find that (1) your focus on him is a way of intimacy avoidance; keeping the focus away from you, and/or that (2) your acceptance of emotional indulgence at your expense is a reflection of your insecurity/need to fill a void/fear of abandonment/emotional detachment.

 

I don't want to overstep, but turning your attention inward to get closure and move on is where the growth is. Invest in yourself.

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I stayed in it because he screwed with my head. That is what they do. I believe he made me co-dependent. I was not like this before. He just made me think it was better for me to be that way, better for "us" etc said so many things that have made me so very attached to him whilst he is horrid to me-even when he leaves me.

 

...I do have a void. Now. Because I made him so important in my life-he would be angry if I did not say he was the most important thing in my life-I thought he was just being insecure-now I know he was re-wiring my brain.

 

I am in counseling but i truly believe he is the one who should be-I don't intend on "helping" him etc. I was just trying to take some control of the situation now I've had time to realise all of this.

 

But I do agree that I have my own issues to deal with for why I would stay too. I just think he really made those issues a lot worse than they were. Maybe one day we can both be normal people and have a normal relationship when we're both mentally heathy.....I am so deluded. At least I know but there is hope for me to have a nice relationship I hope...I hope....

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I think you should call him and get closure. I think it's faster to heal by communicating then it is by not communicating. People make their ex to be a bad person to help themselves get over the person. Then in 2-3 years they see their ex with someone else and that someone else is soo happy. Then they sit there regretting not talking to them.

 

I'd say talk to him know, get him to admit to a list of reasons as to why your relationship doesn't work and agree to it yourself as well. Use the list to get over him.

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I think you should call him and get closure. I think it's faster to heal by communicating then it is by not communicating. People make their ex to be a bad person to help themselves get over the person. Then in 2-3 years they see their ex with someone else and that someone else is soo happy. Then they sit there regretting not talking to them.

 

No no no... the premise here is flawed. If my ex is happy with someone else, yay! that keeps him out of my hair, if it matters to me at all. We are not all the same: my ex may have been unhappy with me, and I with my ex. The new lover may be all that and a bag of chips, or may be loony as ever. Who cares; the two of us already tried being together and it didn't work. Move on.

 

The point is, a relationship happens between two specific people. If those two people are unhappy with each other, so be it. Its not anyone's flaw or fault, it just means those two people do not belong together. Just because my ex bf may be happy with someone else DOES NOT MEAN he could've been happy with me. Why should it? We all are very different from one another.

 

You ALREADY KNOW why you don't want him. You DO NOT NEED him to validate your list. YOU OWN YOUR LIST. He has nothing to do with what you think of him. How you choose to think of him is up to you. DO NOT CALL and draw him into a discussion. Its just one more round of you manipulating him into a relationship discussion, and him manipulating you out of one. Yuck. Who needs it.

 

And, OP, while I addressed my comments to you, I recognize someone else wrote the post that spurred me to write this. You may already agree with what I have said, etc. Sometimes on ENA it can be hard to have all this advice coming at you, as if all the comments emanate from you. Good for you for posting here, focusing on you, and trying to use us to help you fly right. It will pay off. INVEST IN YOU!

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I'm not going to contact him. I spoke to him after the break up once and told him I thought he was behaving irrationally from stress/anger and that I cared about him. I think that's probably enough to be honest. I'll consider it in another month and see how I feel then but I think the view that I should not contact him is right and I'm glad to have had that view said to me or else I might have walked back into his trap so to speak.

 

He wasn't physically abusive, just emotionally, extremely hot/cold and has for some reason decided to stay cold with me from what I can gather. Although, I have noway of knowing what he's like at the moment. He's was certainly not in reality last time we spoke though and his jealousy had completely consumed him. I think, due to stress. So it's not really for me to say anything to him I think. He will feel guilt/shame enough to contact me I believe. But I just need to keep on moving, hard as it is. And it is HARD.

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I hear you, I have been there. I would encourage you to take 100% responsibility, just by changing your words. You CHOSE to stay with a man who encouraged you to depend on him in this way. You CHOSE this. Why?

 

In my case, it went all the way back to a basic fear of abandonment, brought to the surface by divorce and death and financial strain. So I was vulnerable to someone who used my need to be protected and attached. Letting him use me filled MY needs and was MY choice. Did he hurt me and make it so much worse? Absolutely. But I don't need to focus on his choices, only mine. I did not choose to be with a psychopath, which is what he has turned out to be; I didn't know. But I DID choose to be with someone who manipulated me, who used emotional intimacy and withdrawal as a means of control. I KNEW I was in a roller-coaster relationship, and I CHOSE to be there anyway. Those choices are on me, and they are mine to own and to fix. Whatever he did is his problem.

 

I hope using my example helps you describe your own situation to yourself a little differently. Because when you own it, you control it, and then, you can recover from it.

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I will agree with the person above who said to invest in you. I really don't think you should call either, but it seems you've already made the decision not to call. The fact is, at this point you still love him (or you tell yourself you don't, but you do... Well.. I could be wrong, but I'm still in love with my ex and i'm in a similar situation where I know we didn't work out for a reason but I still day dream about them once in a while and reminisce and all that junk). Anyways, if it makes you feel better than maybe one day you two might get back together, then hold onto that. Why need the closure. Just keep in mind that the day you two get back together must be SO FAR AWAY that it pretty much is another life. And it has to be, because you already tried it at this point in your lives and it failed...

 

You can blame him, you can blame yourself, it doesn't matter. The ultimate fact is that neither of you were happy (I don't know why he was abusive, and sure there's never a need to give someone a reason to be nasty, but perhaps he was not happy either and so he became controlling. It might not be that he was unhappy with you, he could just be unhappy with himself or unhappy period. He could SIMPLY BE AN UNHAPPY PERSON.) Whatever it is, you two need to live your own lives, find out what it means to be happy again and get over him 100% and perhaps even date someone else. Maybe one day years down the road when you two have grown up and discovered many things and been on separate adventures you might get back together... who knows... but all you need to know right now, is that RIGHT NOW IT DIDN'T WORK... that's all the closure you need... pick up your stuff and GET MOVING HONEY... its time you found out what makes you happy and it IS NOT HIM

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My ex will not be happy with anyone. It's not him and me together that is the problem. It really is just him. He does not get women very often-there's been me and one other in the past 10 years. Both 1 year relationships. I believe he will be back. Anyway. Like I have just said, that doesn't matter. But it does help me not contacting him. Which I shouldn't do, at least not now. Definitely not now. He was always jealous and I just didn't realise how serious it was, but it was very, very serious. He has serious jealousy issues that make him controlling and then lead him to get angry and to break up with someone who cares about him. We were best friends the day before, we got on so so well and he was having a hard time and I was helping. Then BAM. Dumped. It's very sad. But he really needs to realise how harmful he is. He was very, very scary and always chose times to be mean when I was vulnerable or I could not get away. Not good. I do love him. But I don't think he loves himself no guys.

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My mum just said to me that "Obviously people will be telling you not to do it! But it might help-if he's nasty you'd just think, well, that's the end of that!"

No offense to mum, but she gives horrible advice. What if he isn't nasty? Where does that leave you?

 

I do care about making things easier in the long run for him-because he needs to realise how bad his behavior is and me "agreeing" with the break up might make him think about his actions a bit more. But also, I think it would just be nice for me to have a conversation with him where I am in control of myself and show that I am not his door mat anymore.

It probably wont make him think about anything. He already thought about it when he decided he should end it.

 

I will leave it for now anyway. This conversation seems to have cooled me off about doing it which is good, thankyou.

Good girl

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Okay... someone, somewhere is not being honest with themselves. Do you want to be with him? You cant make plans for your goals if you flip flop between them. So start with question this question. Do you still want to be with him? And can that answer be the same answer every day from here on out? Becuase if you are going to flip on your answer, in my opinion, no one can help you or make you see what you dont want to see. And yes you would be on cloud 9 regardless what he says to you because even if he is nasty to you its still attention that you crave.

1. he is bad for you.

2. you two are not ment to be together

3. you will be miserable if he is in your life.

If you cant see that or you continue to make excuses, then I wish you luck..

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I guess I can relate to his pain. I just choose to express it in a nicer way.

 

Actually, and with all due respect so don't take this as attacking, you aren't relating to his pain, you are making excuses for and rationalizing his behavior.

 

Take sometime and read through this. Its worth a read. In this context, you have allowed your self the slave role (and that's not to say you are his slave, read the article, you'll understand)

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