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He's become more of a co-worker and roommate than a boyfriend


fortwenykitten

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My boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years. He failed to remember our 3 year anniversary. We work together, we live together. We're together 24/7. It's been great up until the past few months. We went through a really stressful period when our beloved cat died, and we've barely made love since. In the past 3 months we've made love maybe 3 times, all of which I have initiated. We are both healing from the cat's passing, but he barely touches me anymore. I'm not a nympho, but I would like to make love at least a few times a month. I'm beginning to feel neglected and unwanted, or that I just don't turn him on anymore. Every few days he promises he'll make love to me that night, and I go to sleep unsatisfied. The next morning I ask him why he didn't try making love to me, and he gives me an excuse. He's tired, he's stressed. He puts it off long enough until my period starts, then he's off the hook for a week.

 

I'm beginning to feel like we are only co-workers and roommates at this point. I still try doing things for him, like go out and buy him something, or make him dinner and treats several times a week. I don't really get anything in return - no surprises, no romance. When I told him he does nothing for me, he replied that he scooped the cat boxes when I asked him to. How romantic, how considerate....?

 

I love him so much, and I know he loves me, but I don't know if the love is more of a platonic thing now. I want to feel loved and wanted but I'm not getting it. I've been going to bed in tears most nights (especially since he doesn't even sleep in the same room as me anymore). What should I do? What would you do in my situation?

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I can't wrap my head around this. There has to be something else going on. He emotionally checked out of his relationship with you because your cat died?? And you both owned the cat, so if anything you should be grieving together.

 

Talk to him. Ask him if there more going on with him than he's telling.

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Agree that it doesn't make any sense that your relationship would tank over a pet passing away. Is there more to this?

 

Being together 24/7 is not great, it's quite difficult and can become suffocating for most people over time. You need to give each other space. It sounds like he is in need of space, but you are not really allowing it and instead demanding, pressuring, crying, essentially creating a lot of tension. Calm down and back away, give him some breathing room, then sit down and have a calm conversation with him about what's going on with him. Let him talk and do not bring up your "needs". This is your mission to find out what is honestly going on with him and what he needs.

 

As for sex, kind of goes back to above - give him space and stop stressing him over it. I mean it's kind of hard to get turned on when your partner is whining, demanding, crying and otherwise you can cut the tension in the house with a knife. It becomes a toxic vicious circle. You are not getting what you want so you are acting in ways that does the opposite of encouraging him to give you what you want. Chill out, back off, let things calm down and then do something to turn him on - change something up, get away from same old same old. If one partner is down, it's up to the other to carry more weight and pick up the slack. Sometimes that simply means giving the other person a break for awhile.

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Talking about it is important. Do you have some friends or family you could go visit out of town for a few days before? Just a long weekend or something. It'll give you both a bit of space and be good for you to go get your mind off things for a few. If you're together 24/7 there's no time to miss you or realize that he wants you around cuz you're always there. So, after a few days apart and you're both feeling like you've gotten some space and time to be in life w/out the other one around, I'd have a conversation, no blaming or dramatics, just hey this is what's been going on, can you help me understand where you're coming from? This is how I'd like things to be w/ us, how can we work together to get to that place? etc...or whatever you feel like needs to be said

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I know he loves me, QUOTE]

 

Are you sure about that? Words are easy. It's actions that matter.

 

Here's what his actions are saying :

1. You aren't my highest priority

2. I don't need to share my feelings with you

3. I don't trust you

4. I don't respect you

 

Just my opinion, but the anniversary and the cat's death are unrelated issues. He may be using it as an excuse to withdraw. Also, just my opinion but I only think bad relationships have "platonic" phases. If it gets to the point where things are just platonic- That's a friendship, not a relationship.

 

If I were you, I'd talk to him honestly. Tell him that if he wants to stay together, he needs to stop shutting you out. People go through much more difficult things than losing a pet, and don't shut their partners out. Tell him you have recognized him pulling away, and he needs to show you enough respect as his girlfriend of three years to tell you why. You deserve that much.

 

Again, just my two, but this guy sound incredibly immature. I'd seriously think about if you want to remain with someone with these kinds of issues.

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If i were you i would walk-not coz i want it to end but to make him realize im not staying in a half a**ed relationship and he can either make the effort or lose me for good..

 

You need to know whether hes on the way out by distancing himself or just depressed. If he loves you he wont let you go without a fight. And then you can tell him that his distance is breaking your heart, you miss him and dont understand why he is shutting you out. You can talk about it then when he knows you are on the verge of ending this..

 

he wont talk to you now-your just getting BS excuses so i think draatic action is needed for a big wake up call and if he just lets you go-then you will no thats what he wanted all along.

 

Its pointless being stuck in limbo. Hes even sleeping in a different room!

 

Are you sure there is noone else?

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I really can't understand how you both could be SO affected by your cat dying. Almost as if you're looking for things to be upset about.

 

Same here. Thought I'm the first to admit, I'm not an animal person. I don't see pets like children, by any stretch of the imagination so this mindset is alien to me!

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