Cant see the bright side to life..

[Anonymous1993]

I'm new to the Forum.

 

I'm 20 years old and been depressed since the beginnning of highschool.

 

Growing up I lived with my Grandparents, told that I was given to them from my mother and drug addicted Dad. My Grandparent where probably one major impact on my life. Since a kid I was always disciplined, always yelled out. My Granddad is an alcohol. In his drunk stage he would just insult me and my brothers. Calling us things like "Scum of the earth" and what not followed by threats and the occasional physical attack.

 

I never got out of the house much as a kid - things such as going to a friends house never existed. Life then was boring, unhappy and some time frightening.

But at this stage I was still happy as a kid - I believed. As I grew up and started to enter high school I was brought into the kitchen by my Grandad and told to sit down and talk.This is where everything went down hill.

 

Me sitting there looking at my granddad, he began to tell a story that goes as follows;

 

After my grandmothers 5th child, my granddad decided that was it. My grandmother then got her womb tied. As the years went on it was fine, but as the kids turned into adults and started leaving home. My grandmother wanted more kids. This was not possible clearly, so because of this and the abuse of my Grandad. She tried ending her life by cutting her wrist. She was found just in time to be taken to the hospital and survive.

 

Because of this, my grandad took this into his own hands. Saying that he'll produce more kids with someone else. Now this is where it get's messed up. Who does he choose, his oldest daughter. Which she agreed to do the deed.

 

9 month's later and I was born.

 

I'm inbreed. Nothing I did wrong, but I cannot tell anyone. That's the real fact. When someone asks, who's my dad. I got to lie. Everytime.

 

Moving on.

 

After this talk, I started highschool. But I headed in, not beleiving what I heard. Convincing myself it was a lie. High school for me was the worst, within the first week I was already targeted by bullies. Which continued through up to grade 10. But the odd thing is, they were my best years. I had more friends then I ever had, girls that hung around me (as friends) where always hugging me and calling me cute. I got sucked into the affiliation with being "cute" and started playing along, and being someone I wasn't. At age 10, the bullies had stopped, but I had matured more and so did my friends. I stopped the shananigans with the hugging and cutesy business. I wanted to be "macho". Which only made the girls beleived I disliked them, in which I didn't. My friends started dating and seperated from our usual group.

 

During this time, the real effect of my depression kicked in. I stopped caring completely. I would sit there, in the group of people that I once called my friends and wouldn't say anything. Deep inside I wanted them to ask me why I was so quiet, but everytime they did I would just say "nothing" and it would be left at that. I hated thinking that I wanting people to feel sorry for me, cause I didn't. During this time, alot of things changed for me. My communication skills, were gone. I couldn't continue a conversation. My mind will go blank and I couldn't think clearly. My grades dropped massively, and I started stressing badly.

 

I had a girlfriend I met online in my town, which I've never met. We dated for a month, and she broke up with me. Which now, seems far enough. But I couldn't handle it then. I was heart broken, apologized to her a thousand times and jealous that she may have been seeing someone else - which she was.

 

After this, I was cold. But still enjoyed my normal hobbies as such.

 

Now let's fast forward to after school. I had a job at a take away shop. Which I never enjoyed, mainly cause I felt embarassed to be seen working there. It involved me yelling out orders, which I hated doing. I suffer from social anxiety. This was a big deal for me. Anyway, as the weeks went on. I started hating it, getting angrier and angrier until I would randomly snap. I knew I had to make a change in career. So at age 18 I was offered a job at a very big construction site. Where I was earning $2200-$2800 a week. The work was more physical but for the money I didn't care.

 

This would continue until I eventually moved up to work for the main contractor for the job site ( I was only a sub contractor). I now earn $2500-$3000 for a 7 day week. For once in my life I beleived I was happy, I didn't need friends or anything.

 

But lets rewind a bit, before getting the job with the main contractor the contract for my old job ran out 2 months before. So I was left momentarily left with no job. Not certain if I would go onto this next job or not(The one I'm with now). I fell into a deep depression, hard. I couldn't sleep, I was stressing about bills. I told my only friend at the time to "get f***ed". I started eating junk food all day everyday, I would be very easily irritated, I even had a little breakdown where I just dropped on my knees in my room (note I just finished moving out by myself) and sat there sulking....

 

After getting the new job I was happy, but by the first day I fell into a sump again. Only to get worse and worse as the days went by. But this was by far the worst, I was crying myself to sleep. Every day I asked myself "why can't I just die?". Hobbies, and things I used to enjoy were no longer anything. My anger issues turned into something I can only describe as monstrous and un controllable.

 

OKay, this is getting long and there's so much I've missed. So I'll just run a few things I think about when I'm in my depressed/anger state.

 

- I've never had an actually girlfriend

- Never kissed anyone

- Still a virgin

- I'm inbreed

- I have no REAL friends

- I have no uncle or aunties I can talk too

- I cannot love my family, I hate them all so much ( besides my brother who is the only person I really get along with)

- I can't spark a normal conversation without over thinking and coming of stupid

- I shut myself down in areas I feel un comfortable and hate myself for it

- I struggle being effectionate even though I want to.

and that's not the half of it.

 

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the last 4 months who have suggested I do things to increase my confidence. I've got braces to straighten my teeth, I've started going to the gym regularly and trying to mintain my appearance alot better. I haven't noticed much yet but I'm doing everything my psychiatrist says so far.

 

Here an add on: I used to enjoy spending the money I earned but I dread work and the workers there. Work is boring, depressing and I'm always left alone which makes my think of depressive alternatives. The days are long: awake at 4:30am and home by 6:00 pm. Time to myself is hard to find with me fitting in gym and going home cooking food, feed the dogs, clean my teeth and sleep. Only to do it all over again. I used to be a hard worker, but now its hard to find motivation. Energy is short, and I'm constantly stressing.

 

I'm trying hard to sort out my problems, I really am.

 

I just cant see the bright side to life.

 

Tempted to just give in already...

[sadsun]

I know how that feels. I think everyone carries scars inflicted by others. I was abused as a child by a sibling... I carried the same anger towards my family as thus affected my whole life. The first thing I would reccomend is learn to forgive. Humans are flawed by nature and to hold onto anger at your family will only hurt you. You are not at fault for what happened to you. Hobbies are a good start, doing activities you enjoy and doing new activities you can meet new people. Real friendship is rare for everyone, but you have to be open to meeting new people because real friends are out there. Try volunteering.. it is amazing how much reward comes from helping others. Also find a spiritual outlet. Even if you aren't religeous, it can really help. If you dread work maybe you need to look for a job you enjoy. Money is really not going to make you happy, find something you are truly passionate about and find a way to make a living at it. Or at least make it your hobby. Work on these things and the right people will enter your life.

[lerenard]

Have you ever tried counselling? Talking with someone about it can be a huge help. There are people who choose this as their profession, and they give good advises and they help you to cut all the knots you have in your life. We have been there too, all of us. If you have a professional you see now, try researching and finding a new one.

Anger is your worst friend in life, especially suppressed anger towards your family. And the story you told us seems crazy, but still they are your family, and you are one of the kind. There is no one there who looks or thinks like you - you are unique, and you have a life to live.

Money wont make you happy - that is for sure. Have you thought about going to university? You can move away from surroundings that are boring to you, find new people, see new things. Just keep on going!

[SooSad33]

Hi An,

 

I feel for you- I really do. I'm sorry your life has been so rough! Wow.....

 

Asides from you seeing a psychiatrist, have you spoke to your dr for some help with the depression & anxiety? I'm taking 'cipralex' for anxiety and 'Elavil' for my depression and sleep.

I feel this may be good for you to look into. It will help you out a bit in a few area's.

 

I understand the negatives in Life. I understand the 'stressors' as well. It is NOT very easy at times when all you're feeling are 'lows'. Hard to 'feel' good about anything at all.

 

I hit my low earlier this year too. I stopped gaming online, listening to music, everything. And did nothing for ME.

I am seeing a therapist and have gone to 'group therapy'. That was okay and I met other's like me. So to actually SEE I wasn't alone- with such feelings etc.

 

So good of you to be seeing a psychiatrist. Good for you. To try and work on these feelings and all that's going on in that brain. I know how it never shuts off.. it gets to be too much & negative.

 

How about you look into getting something for your Depression etc- first of all. Go from there and aim upwards.

We NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. Don't look at the fact of no actual gf yet. I'm sure it will come, in due time, but meanwhile you NEED to keep up, working on YOU, okay.

 

One day at a time.. stick it out here, with us.

You're not alone.. we understand.

 

Keep us informed.

 

take care

[Anonymous1993]

That's crap to hear bud.

 

It's hard for me to know if I honestly forgive, or if I want myself to believe that. Cause in the end, if I don't believe in it. All I'm doing is suppressing it.

 

Hobbies are hard to enjoy, I still give them a try. But it results into anger or irritation.

 

I've made alot of financial flaws, I'm owing debt and I'm in the process of saving strictly.

 

Which involves me to work more, against my will. For what I hope to turn out for the best in the end.

 

I plan to pay my bills, save a good ammount then leave to study fulltime in Uni within a new town.

 

THIS is what I want to achieve, but making friends and relationships is also on that list.

 

Volunteering is a good idea, I'll look into it.

 

Thanks.

[Anonymous1993]

Thanks , I'm talking to a psychiatrist. Meeting a new one this Monday for a change of perspective.

 

It has helped a bit, but I can't help to disagree with what they say sometimes?

 

Things like I'm more upset about bills and what not then I am with getting in a relationship.

 

This is not true. To be honest, all I want is someone who genuinely cares for me and love me for me.

 

I'm not in it for sex at all.

 

I've lied about being a virgin, as I've paid someone to have sex with one time.

 

But I didn't enjoy it, I hated it and hate myself for it.

 

All I want is that connection, that can't be found with someone of the same sex.

 

I'm in a state of mind that it doesn't interest me at all to talk to people the same sex as myself.

[Anonymous1993]

Thanks, I have booked a Doctor in for this up coming week for medication.

 

I really don't know myself at the moment, I can't seem to find anything positive.

 

Even on my better days I struggle.

 

I'd like to think, me making the effort to sort this out is a first step...

 

But, I can never be too sure...

[lerenard]

You need to do two opposite things in life

-you need to start being happy with who you are and accept loneliness

-and on the other hand you need to push yourself OUT and start being social

I was once (and still am sometimes) very shy and I like staying in, I am 23 and everybody my age goes partying. And as much as I hate big gatherings of people, I put myself out there from time to time, just to see some perspective.)

[Anonymous1993]

You need to do two opposite things in life

-you need to start being happy with who you are and accept loneliness

-and on the other hand you need to push yourself OUT and start being social

I was once (and still am sometimes) very shy and I like staying in, I am 23 and everybody my age goes partying. And as much as I hate big gatherings of people, I put myself out there from time to time, just to see some perspective.)

 

Again, I don't know if I can accept it. I can tell myself that, but what good would it do? Loneliness is something I don't want to accept. I'd honestly rather kill myself if I accepted to be alone all my life.

 

I can't drink in my current state of mind, I have a problem with just falling into a slumps out of the blue.

 

The last time I drank, this happened and I came so close to ending my life that night. It wasn't funny.

 

I am trying to get out more, but in between work its hard to find the time to do much without running myself short on sleep...

[lerenard]

I am not telling you to start drinking. No way!

And being alone can be nice.

You can just go out for a walk, 30 minutes everyday should be easier to find.

 

Wish you well!

[sadsun]

I think Volunteering will definitely help. It is easy to allow negative self talk, anger ect to lead you to feeling sorry for yourself. But volunteering opens your eyes to people who have it far worse off. And when you realize that and see the reward from helping others you start to be grateful for what you do have. Gratitude is the key to happiness, cuz trust me you are not the only one who is fighting battles in life, and there are people who have it far worse in the world. Life is a gift, s*** happens. Don't waste a good life looking backwards. Focus on the future, what's done is done.