Scared to death that I'll someday find out she's moving on with someone else

[Lucha]

I've been in NC for 6 days now, I even kept myself from sending a bday text message (it happened to be her birthday a couple of days ago). However, I still have some mutual friends and I'm also friends with her cousin. During the relationship, we called a lot. Now yesterday she called me to catch up, but I didn't answer the phone, as I am scared to death that this cousin (or any other mutual friend that knows what's going on in her life) would have information about her getting involved with someone else. I'm afraid when I hear such a thing I will completely snap and breakdown. So how do I keep healing and making myself strong for when such a day comes? Any advice?

[Twidom]

How? Cut ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION WITH HER. That includes this cousin. Block her phone number. Block her email. Facebook, twitter, instagram. You pick. BLOCK. If you truly want to move on and don't want to know anymore about her do it this exact instant.

[lerenard]

One day she will move on with someone else, and so will you. So accept that. Proceed with NC, tell your friend (her cousin) that you need some time alone and that you don't want to hear anything about your EX.

[blug]

People usually say that will set you back, but it didn't only set me back, i found out 3 weeks post breakup she likes this guy and he likes her back. Honestly, i feel MUCH MUCH worse than the break up itself, i wake up in the middle of the night, i picture them doing what we did and honestly it kills me. I think about how i let things end up like this 24/7

[lerenard]

What is the root of your worries? Are you jealous she is with him? Or you feel betrayed?

She will sleep with someone else, she will marry one day and she probably will have kids and be happy.

I can understand that it hurts because it happened so fast and she is already dating, but honestly, you should mind your own business from now on, and concentrate on your life.

Your well-being and your future are the most important now, take good care of yourself and take your time to grief, but let your brain rest some time too.

[blug]

Because it was more of a break than a breakup because of my issues, she was crying and we promised to stay in each others life and she said she still liked me. I tried fixing it, realizing my mistakes and i can't seem to forgive myself. But she made moving on seem so easy for her, like everything we had meant nothing. I've been in NC for 10 days now

[lerenard]

she was crying and we promised to stay in each others life and she said she still liked me very typical, don't dwell on these words of hers

as you can see now - she wasn't sitting there, crying, waiting for you to judge the hell out of yourself and be back with her for a happy ending - she moved on, so no reason for being hard on yourself.

[Lucha]

What is the root of your worries? betrayed?

.

 

I guess I would feel both betrayed AND jealous and I can't believe someone else is going to have what I once had with her It was once so beautiful. I miss this version of her which was madly in love with me. I never did anything to make her feelings change, but they did. She doesn't have an explanation either. This is just really hard to accept. I guess I feel a bit 'wronged' by the world making me go through all of this misery. I do however realise some people have problems that are much worse than mine. I just can't seem to get over mine. I'm constantly fighting battles with her in my head, being mad at her for leaving me like this. And if she does move on, I wish I'd never see or hear from her again, as I'm quite sure it would absolutely kill me.

[lerenard]

first of all - why do you have several account to post here?

second - no one will ever have what you had, simply because everybody is different. BUT she will have a relationship with some one that is for sure, and you have nothing to do with that. You will get over her, you just need time and faith. She left you - that means she is not the one for you, simple as that.

 

form your other post -- I just want to say that you're a fuc**** bit**

If you keep obsessing about your break-up and making it a central piece of your life - that is exactly what its going to be.

You are young and you have your whole life to fall in love and be happy.

Its not like you were together for 20 years and you have a kid. People date and they break-up and then they date others, its life, dude.

[Shainet]

That is my fear too. I dont want anyone telling me that my ex has found someone else.

Right now, im conditioning myself into thinking that he has already found someone else. I keep on telling myself that it's over cause he want some other girl or most likely flirting with other girls and that it is a betrayal of my trust and i wont accept him anymore.

 

I just hope i wont find out before i am truly moved on

[Tanzi]

What is the root of your worries? Are you jealous she is with him? Or you feel betrayed?

She will sleep with someone else, she will marry one day and she probably will have kids and be happy.

I can understand that it hurts because it happened so fast and she is already dating, but honestly, you should mind your own business from now on, and concentrate on your life.

Your well-being and your future are the most important now, take good care of yourself and take your time to grief, but let your brain rest some time too.

 

If only it were that easy. To NOT hurt when you find out the person you love is with someone else is impossible - no matter how hard you are trying to move on and accept that things are over. Yes we all move on eventually but there will still be a period of time when we are going to hurt by such news.

 

It seems to me, Lucha, that you are taking the best course of action by sticking with NC but people (mutual friends) sometimes have a habit of being thoughtless and saying too much.

 

You need to delete, block or hide the news feeds of all mutual friends on Facebook (and anywhere else). Personally, I would delete them - I am sure if you explained why you had to do so they would understand. You also need to tell them that you don't want to hear anything about your ex and what is going on in her life. Then go back to NC and try to focus on yourself again.

[lavenderdove]

the best defense for this is to be busy and happy in your own life such that when it does occur, it doesn't really impact you too much because you're happy in your own life and have moved on.

 

And how do you handle it with a fresh breakup where you haven't had much time to prepare yourself? You cut contact and don't try to be friends with her or anybody that is connected to her. So you de-friend her on social media as well as those who know her. You can let her know in advance what you are doing, that it will be easier to heal for both of you if you don't contact each other and perhaps you can catch up with each other in a year or two when you've both moved on. You do NOT have to be friends with her or accept her attempts to contact you just because she wants to be buddies with you. the less you know about her, the better, while you are trying to heal. So block her and de-friend her. You can always send her a last email and tell her that if she changes her mind and wants to try again she can let you know, but otherwise you are not interested in being a friend and think no contact is best for healing. So let her know why you are cutting her off so she doesn't think you're playing games with her, but knows why and respects your need to heal and not have a lot of visibility into her life until you are healed.

[blug]

I told her the other day that she shouldn't hide the other guy and that i know,he's in another school. And i told her i was happy for her, she just gave me a hug. I didn't want her to hold him back in fear of hurting, she's moved on for good and now it can only get better from now

[Lucha]

first of all - why do you have several account to post here?

second - no one will ever have what you had, simply because everybody is different. BUT she will have a relationship with some one that is for sure, and you have nothing to do with that. You will get over her, you just need time and faith. She left you - that means she is not the one for you, simple as that.

 

form your other post -- I just want to say that you're a fuc**** bit**

 

Excuse me, I do not own several accounts I am just Lucha, I am a lesbian woman!! I don't know who "blug" is and I think you are being very rude.

[lerenard]

the best defense for this is to be busy and happy in your own life such that when it does occur, it doesn't really impact you too much because you're happy in your own life and have moved on. - very true.

 

Lucha -- for some reason this person answers here instead of you. It is confusing, sorry if it seemed rude to you. I just know how it hurts to be in this position, and I hope you move on as fast as you can with as less pain as possible. Acceptance is the key. You want to be loved and someone who leaves you like that just doesn't deserve your love. I wish you all the best!

[Tanzi]

Lucha -- for some reason this person answers here instead of you. It is confusing, sorry if it seemed rude to you. I just know how it hurts to be in this position, and I hope you move on as fast as you can with as less pain as possible. Acceptance is the key. You want to be loved and someone who leaves you like that just doesn't deserve your love. I wish you all the best!

 

I have to admit I was a bit confused for a while. Because I was reading this thread on my phone and can't see the usernames and the post at the same time I initially assumed blug's post was Lucha's. I think what happened, larlequin, is that you wrote a post intended for Lucha but it was posted underneath blug's post and blug assumed you were directing your questions at him/her.

[lerenard]

a-little-blue yes, initially I posted an answer to what OP wrote, but blug answered like it was for him, and then it all just got mixed and I answered to what blug posted because I though it was OP again) and with every advice blug answers and give like an up-date on the situation, but this thread was about Lucha, so I though its the same person. BIG confusion! Sorry again!

 

as for the topic, when I had hard times surviving my break-up, I was very emotional, and would play sad song and cry and re-live our moments together. and the guy broke up with me and went back to fighting for a girl he was in love with for this whole time, now they are married for several years already, and she cheats on him. when we broke up i was devastated, he never talked with me about it, he just started with that other girl, and left me hanging, and when he came to the town where I was (he was at college 200 km away) he never told me, I found out because my friends were sorry for me and told me that he was there but never called me to see me. Now when i see how our life evolved, I am SO glad he dumped me. ))) you know how they say - things look clearer when they become the past.

[Lucha]

It's just really really difficult if you really believed in what you had together, but the other person blew you off because off 'lost feelings'. And when I asked her what her reasons were for losing her interest in me, she couldn't name one. Eventually she came up with reasons like 'you don't like to roll in the sand' or 'you can't ride a horse' or 'it would be fun to see my gf be silly with my friends and like give them a wedgie and stuff'. Then I was like 1. I may not like sand but I go to the sea with you just to make you happy (which btw occurred once, so it wasn't like it was such a big thing), 2. You could teach me? I'd love to learn how to ride a horse! And 3. I get along with your friends just fine, I might not be the type giving them ' a wedgie' or getting drunk and making myself the centre of attention, but for me that's just a lame reason to end a relationship and you will be sorry. I hope. Someday.

[lerenard]

see, even the silly reasons she gave you are there so you can be sure that she doesn't deserve your pain now. she wanted you to fit some kind of role she had for you, and its not what love is about. she wanted you to match her friends, instead of cherishing your individuality.

and feeling can actually be lost with time. you can be crazy about someone, and next day you just don't feel the same way anymore, and you just want out. I was there, both ways.

[Lucha]

I don't understand. How can feelings just change overnight? When I love someone, sure those feelings of superficial love and the rush of the first months will fade, but I would be able to tell if these feelings were growing into more mature feelings like love or if I just did not match the other person and therefore could not 'love' them. But I always had my reasons. Like my other ex had a son which after six months appeared to difficult for me to accept, and she bought a house which made me feel like having my whole life planned in avance and not being able to choose where I live myself. I simply cannot understand how feelings can just 'go away'. It makes me feel like never being able to trust love again

[lerenard]

I was in a situation when my feeling faded, even though my EX helped them to fade A LOT. I was also in a situation when a person told me "I don't want to have a GF anymore", when two weeks before that he was all over me, telling me that I am the one and only and all that. It happens. I don't know why, but it does. You are not the only one.

I used to tell myself that if a person leaves you - that is not your person. And Love is there, everywhere, believe it or not, and it will come to you one day))

[Tanzi]

As silly as her excuses may sound, what she is really saying is that she doesn't feel as if you are compatible. Also I doubt she wants you to do things just to make her happy. She wants to be with someone who can appreciate the things she likes doing in the same way that she does. Sometimes people's feelings just change and they have no idea why but if you are going to ask them for more specific answers then I guess that is what you are going to get. If you think about it, it does actually make sense. If you aren't the sort of person to get drunk and go around giving people wedgies (which I can understand) then she likely isn't the right person for you either ... and one day you will look back and see that.

 

 

 

Feelings can change but they don't disappear overnight.

 

In the beginning it IS a rush of lust and excitement but it is what you have after the honeymoon period has ended that tells us whether we have something real or not ... but even then it can take time for reality to set it and subsequently to know how you really feel about someone. Maybe it just took her a bit longer that it generally does you to realise that she just did not match the other person.

 

At the time she ended the relationship she had, no doubt, been through her own emotional struggle and had to accept herself that she didn't think the relationship was going to work. It wouldn't have happened overnight, it would have been a slow realisation. For you, however, it is a different story. It doesn't seem fair, I know, but it is the same story everywhere. We all come through it in the end.

[Lucha]

I guess I find this hard to cope with because in my opinion, you don't throw away a relationship that was pretty good for reasons like 'you never give my friends a wedgie' or 'you never get drunk'. I agree we are two completely different people but so is everybody else. You'll never find someone who is an exact copy of yourself and even if you do, maybe it wouldn't even be that great a relationship. What we had was working, we were on the same level, loving the same stuff like reading/taking long walks/deejaying/etc, we were having the same future plans. I'm just baffled that she gave up on this relationship. And everywhere I look I see other fish in the sea but no single fish matching me as much as she did. To come to terms with the fact that it's all gone because of me never getting wasted or stuff like that. I can hardly imagine that to be a reason why you don't want to be with someone. I accepted her individuality and all her flaws, why can't he accept mine?

[lerenard]

you weren't a good match simply because she gave up on you. if you were - you wont be here now, you see. I mean it is possible you were 100% happy with her, but if she decided to end it - she wasn't, for some reasons, maybe she will never tell you the real ones, or maybe she told you them already, but you refuse to accept it.

and its good you see other fish!)) and the fact that you found someone with whom you felt happy, it shows you that it is possible to do it.

[Tanzi]

Well you have to stop looking at the actual specific words she said and look more at their meaning .... you just aren't compatible. She knew that, especially when you went to the beach "just to make her happy". She didn't just throw away a relationship that was pretty good apart from you not giving her friends a wedgie! To her you are two different people and that doesn't make for a good, solid long term relationship. If the relationship was working for her in the way it was working for you, she wouldn't have ended the relationship.

 

If you think that her excuse of ending your relationship just because you didn't get wasted was lame then imagine how lame you would have felt your life to be had you stayed together and watched her and her friends get wasted and giving each other wedgies!!

 

As hard as it is to accept, she has a right to be happy too and if she didn't feel happy in your relationship or felt that it didn't have a future then she had no choice but to end things. Better that than be strung along.