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10 years later...


Fudgie

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10 years ago, when I was 14, I met my first love. He was a much older man (in his 30s), very mentally ill with the physical scars to prove it, but at the time, he really stole my heart. He was actually quite smart despite being so damaged. I did not my lose my virginity to him but I fell for him so hard in a way that I don't really think I can again (and I don't think I want to). I did do digging of my own though and found that he had attempted murder against someone in his 20s but he basically got a plea deal and got off with not much. I didn't care at the time, I still loved him.

 

My parents found out and that was a horrible, horrible time for me. We kept our (sporadic) contact a secret for years afterward. Lots of crap happened. He tried to convince me to kill myself with him. Which was very sick because I was struggling with my depression medication at time and felt very vulnerable. I ultimately did not commit suicide but he tried with pills/cutting and ended up in the hospital. I called the hospital phone and would talk to him through there while he was in there. It took me a few years to get over the guilt I felt, like I had put him in there myself.

 

I don't think I fully untangled myself until 2008. Until that time, I had felt pain everyday because of him. He just haunted me.

 

Now it's 10 years later, from what I first fell for him. I've been through a few LTRs and I am still in one now. I can't really say that I miss this man, but those memories, they bring a lot of pain for me. Not in a "miss you" way, but just pain from guilt, regret, shame, betrayal, etc. I am sad that he was my first love and had to be the done to leave such a mark on me. When I think of those memories, I still can feel the raw, pure emotion and turmoil through those memories and it bothers me. I still have dreams about him about once a month. Scary dreams that is. I still dream that I see him sitting there, smoking a cigarette, whispering profane things to me or trying to come up behind me to strike me in my head. It used to be every day or week for years, but still, once a month, is once a month too much if you ask me.

 

I've been working on this with my therapist (yes, I finally found a therapist for those of you who may have wondered, thank goodness) but I feel that there's not much I can do but wait. I have tried to write him off in my mind as just a "sick evil man" but that doesn't seem to help. I still feel fear too. It's a weird feeling. Fear mixed with sadness, shame, and regret over it, and yet just the tiniest bit of memory of the fond times I had with him. Which makes me feel even worse.

 

I thought by 10 years that the pain would be gone and I'm sad to say that it's not. I was at home over thankgiving and went through some of my old stuff. I found a picture that I did when I was 14 of my 'heart' and his name in a big corner of it and me writing "He'll always take up some of my heart " I saw that and I just cried.

 

Sorry, just a vent. I always feel worse about him in December. I wish he didn't still haunt me. I wish the pain would go away faster. *sigh*

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I would say your conflicted feelings are completely normal.

 

And that it's pretty impossible to write anyone off as being purely good or bad when not all your memories are fish or fowl.

 

You know he was bad FOR you - but you also know he wasn't healthy. You caught the harsh end of his illness - but saw other bits and pieces shine through. It makes it much harder than if you didn't - because yes, in most people who are seriously mentally ill, even ones that take out their illness on loved ones - there are bits of good that we catch a glimpse of from time to time.

 

While I can't totally relate - I did have a very close friend with severe BPD. Eventually his abusive episodes and inability to stick to our boundaries had me severing our friendship after a few years. And while I knew I needed to get away for my sanity, and despised his hateful episodes where he was demeaning, abusive, and a complete @ss... I also remember his intelligence, sharp wit, and sarcastic sense of humor - and his ability to, on rare occasions, make me feel really good about myself.

 

90% of the time he was dysfunctional and abusive... but I caught glimpses at odds with that. So I really do sympathize.

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You were just a child Fudgie....a lost soul i dare suspect...to fall for such a man as he. If he was even remotely normal, you may have had a crush on him....and that would be that! I had a crush on an older man...he was about 24...i was 13, and i thought he was OLD! He was getting engaged to a woman, and i was vaguely jealous. hahaha...they are still married to this day, and i now feel as if I'm as old as they are! But back then, the age was tremendous!

 

I can't imagine how you and him got intangled...but knowing a little of your history with your dad, and your very strong emotional bond with him....maybe it was a weird father thing....who knows!

 

That is what your therapist is for!

 

But i feel so bad that you are still feeling guilt and shame...for it should be HIM feeling guilt and shame for mentally abusing a child! The child in you can't make sense of it, for he was someone you trusted and loved....and now as an adult, you see the monster he truly was.

 

Instead of sadness and 'loss' that you feel, you should feel ANGER, that he tarnished the innocence of a child!

 

((((hugs)))) Fudgie.

 

I think the holidays brings melancholy to us all! I can't remember the last time i cried. (well...lol...yes it was a few weeks ago looking at the photo album of ex bf and me.....hadn't looked at it for years!) But today i was just 'blah' and had a crying spell in front of my child and my friend, Tom.

 

I feel that there is a strain in your relationship with bf....and that is possibly making you feel unsettled! I hope 'things' and thoughts settle down, and you are at peace again!

 

Think of all the good advice you give others....and what you would give them, if you heard your story??

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We never quite ever emotionally get away from our first loves do we? I broke up my first true love when I was nearly 21. He was a guy with many issues and manipulated me and cheated on me constantly. He slowly broke me down piece by piece as he made me feel worthless to make himself feel better. He had borderline personality disorder and he raped me. He tried to commit suicide in front of me. He cut himself and blamed it on me. It was a dark period for me and I had a tough time for the next couple of years.

Sometimes we fall for people who aren't good for us, but some parts of us just can't help it. Despite the damaged fragments, there are still the fragments that seem to bind so well and so intensely with the pieces of your soul. You don't forget. Don't feel guilt at the past, it happened, you learnt from it. It's going to be ok. Dreams will remain as your mind slowly works through what had happened, and as when everything completely clears, you'll be free from it. Trust me, I know.

I don't think about him much anymore. However I don't think I'll ever forget the feeling I felt for him, and the feeling afterwards.

Eventually you will break free. Sometimes it does take years, but things will dissipate in time.

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YOU should not feel shame or guilt over anything. You were a 14 yr old. HE was a 30 yr old child molester. Maybe his mental illness affords him some leniency...but I find it hard to feel any sympathy for an adult who not only takes advantage romantically of a kid, but tries to play on her condition to get her to end her life.

 

You were a victim. That's nothing to be ashamed of. You got yourself OUT. That is something to be proud of.

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OK, so he was a twisted and murderous pedophile, probably a sociopath if he is doing things like trying to get you to kill yourself when you're just a 14 year old girl.

 

We can't always help what fate throws in our path, but we can choose how we deal with it.

 

Your first task... get rid of ALL those photos and anything you have that reminds you of him. Young teenaged girls can imprint of the 'romance' and drama of a tortured older man and somehow spin that into it being some kind of special love, but really, the guy is a twisted and socipathic pedophile. So you have to very actively shift your frame of reference about him and recognize how damaging he is and he in fact almost stole your life from you. So there is NO BUSINESS in your life for photos etc. of him. Burn them and purge all mementos of him from your life.

 

It takes time to work yourself out from under the distorted thinking from situations like this, and it WILL work itself out like a splinter, but it takes time. I'm really glad to hear you are in therapy, because that is an appropriate place to deal with this. And remind yourself that your shame and guilt is about identifying with him as a person, as if what he did was OK and you somehow did something that made you responsible for what happened. You were a 14 year old girl, and he's a nutbucket! You didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with it then or evaluate the situation property, and like all teenaged girls, you loved and got caught up in the drama. They so adore the idea of damaged and tortured souls to love (witness the whole Twilight phenomenon) and it can make them feel powerful and special when enthralled with a person like him, but the reality is he is totally toxic and DANGEROUS to anyone he encounters.

 

So you have to really work to see him as he really was, and recognize that at 14 you were just not equipped to deal with that heady brew of tortured soul plus your burgeoning hormones fed by teenaged drama and romance fiction. But you are now, and just have to give yourself time to work through those feelings and re-frame them.

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Thanks guys.

 

I know it's ridiculous. If anyone wrote what I did, I'd tell them the same things you have told me. I know intellectually that I shouldn't feel shame. I do still because I feel like I around have been smart enough not to fall for him in the first place.

I don't know why I gravitated toward him. He was really pathetic actually. I knew his age but didn't care.

 

I do feel some anger for having my innocence taken so young. After him, I honestly didn't feel like a virgin anymore, even though I abstained from sex for several more year.

 

Actually, when I met my now boyfriend years ago, he commented to me that he didn't think I was a virgin because of how I talked about relationships. I told him I was a virgin but I didn't feel like one. At all. And that's still really sad for me.

 

I really hate that he tried to get me to kill myself with him. It makes me hate the fact even more that I learned a lot from him. About computers. About a language that I am now fluent in and have been for years. He introduced me to a lot of things that I still like.

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