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Setting my standards way too high.


beaton

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Since my last relationship ended a year ago, I have been completely shut off emotionally. I set impossible standards and criteria a guy has to meet for me to want to be with them- stupidly specific to my ex. Even I see that. I also set impossible criteria that I have to meet before I'm "allowed" to fall in love again. Like get in better shape, get a better job, move to a new city.

I don't feel like I'm good enough for the type of guy I want to meet. So I reject anyone interested in me, because the fact that they're interested in me means that they aren't good enough. I pick out stupid tiny things as "dealbreakers." I'm attracted to guys who I think are out of my league.

I'm miserable doing this. Is my "worthiness" such a big issue?? Is it really like this or have I screwed myself up in the past year? I constantly feel like I'm not good enough in every aspect of my life. Every little misstep toward my goals feels like massive failure. I'm trying to enjoy being single but every night I fall asleep with a horrible feeling that this is how the rest of my life is going to be and want to cry.

 

I still even think about my ex from a year ago and miss that love, that security. I yearn for that same security in myself without someone else.

 

Has anyone else ever been in my place, or similar? How did you get your head out of your ass? How did you find self-worth?

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Stop beating yourself up. By doing so, you are only proving to yourself that there aren't any guys for you out there.

 

When it comes to dealing with a persons flaw.... Sorry no one is ever perfect. You have to determine 2 things before they become dealbreakers:

 

1. Is the person doing anything to change the behavior?

2. If not, is this a behavior I can live with for 5 years? 10 years? 30 years?

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This is interesting to me. I kinda feel like i'm doing the same thing.

 

It sounds like you're going to the extreme of "If you want to attract the best, you have to be your best."

 

A few questions: Have you had your fair share of success in your life? Ie, you're smart, fairly accomplished, etc.? Do you find that you often compare yourself to others? Are you at least reasonably attractive, if not certifiably hot?

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This is interesting to me. I kinda feel like i'm doing the same thing.

It sounds like you're going to the extreme of "If you want to attract the best, you have to be your best."

 

A few questions: Have you had your fair share of success in your life? Ie, you're smart, fairly accomplished, etc.? Do you find that you often compare yourself to others? Are you at least reasonably attractive, if not certifiably hot?

 

 

I compare myself to people ALL the time. Its something that I'm actively working on, and have gone as far as to stop using facebook because I would get so wrapped up in comparing myself to other people.

I have a decent job, it pays well. It's not in my field that I graduated with, because I didn't feel like I was good enough to get a job in my field and then...just, never did what would make me good enough for fear of failing. So that's probably my biggest issue. If I meet a guy dealing with the same issue I am I reject them, because I hate that about myself.

I'm decent looking, not insanely hot or ugly.

It sounds like you're going to the extreme of "If you want to attract the best, you have to be your best." I think the is true. It's not a bad thing but in the extreme case it's harmful and I'm bordering on ridiculous right now.

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You've got to get over your fears. You're shutting down windows of opportunities, not just LOVE, but everything else. I had this fear too, about not being good enough for anything in my life, for love, for sex, for education, career, family.. friends..you name it!

 

But then, I realised that if I can't ever be sure of what I'm good at, I'm never going to get the kind of love I yearn for from anywhere. You might really want to start working on it, because soulmates don't come to us to complete us, they come to us when we're at peace with ourselves, you've got to be comfortable doing what you love. This job that you're in right now, are you truly happy? Question yourself, are you doing what makes you happy?

 

If not, then you have to start taking steps back. Dude, trust me, there is nothing in this world that we're all perfect or good enough for, none of us are.. and in this constantly chaotic world that is always striving for perfection, it's never easy. But don't take it hard on yourself yeah? LET IT GO. HAVE NO FEAR. YOU ARE AWESOME THE WAY YOU ARE.

 

Respect that, and welcome it into your life.

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OP, I kinda know what you're going through. I'm extremely hard on myself as well. And I'm also not a patient person, and tend to sometimes compare myself to others (though far less than I did when I was younger). Like Slimpee said, I think it's a case of "in order to get the best, I have to BE the best." Sometimes I think just being happy with what I have is synonymous with complacency, but I don't believe that's true. I still need to reconcile this in my mind.

 

I don't have the answers, but wanted you to know that you're (e) not alone!

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Love this, too. But only if it were this easy. We have to do things that we may not enjoy because it is the responsible thing to do. I have an amazing opportunity to live in NYC Boston Nantucket and Alaska over the next 2 years with all my housing paid for by company. But I probably won't jump on it because the health insurance that is being offered is very poor coverage. It would be irresponsible of we to leave my current job that I dislike, but my health insurance is the bomb.

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Love this, too. But only if it were this easy. We have to do things that we may not enjoy because it is the responsible thing to do. I have an amazing opportunity to live in NYC Boston Nantucket and Alaska over the next 2 years with all my housing paid for by company. But I probably won't jump on it because the health insurance that is being offered is very poor coverage. It would be irresponsible of we to leave my current job that I dislike, but my health insurance is the bomb.

 

I think it'd be irresponsible of you NOT to take this offer unless you need top-rate insurance to cover some illness you have

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Like Slimpee said, I think it's a case of "in order to get the best, I have to BE the best." Sometimes I think just being happy with what I have is synonymous with complacency, but I don't believe that's true. I still need to reconcile this in my mind.

 

 

Being happy with who you are is separate from what you "have" (assuming you're talking about job success, possessions, etc.). I think it's generally being happy with yourself but always striving to be the best possible version. That doesn't mean you're trying to "change" or be something else; it just means that you are mindful of the type of man you want to be and what type of legacy you want to build.

 

"Man" isn't synonymous with how our society generally defines it.

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No illness but who knows what could happen. Terrible car accident, skiing accident, hiking accident. I hate that I worry about this stuff. I wish I could live in the moment, which is something that the OP should learn 2 do too.

 

Seriously, go to New England. Maybe with your housing paid for, you can supplement your provided insurance. Get Aflac or something.

 

When you're on your deathbed, you'll be glad you took the chance instead of stay based upon not having a co-pay..

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Seriously, go to New England. Maybe with your housing paid for, you can supplement your provided insurance. Get Aflac or something.

 

When you're on your deathbed, you'll be glad you took the chance instead of stay based upon not having a co-pay..

 

Exactly! If you're worried about accidents or big illnesses there's supplemental insurance for that. If it pays well enough that you can afford the extra insurance don't stop yourself short b/c of that. Maybe getting yourself out of this current slump and into a new environment is just what you need.

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I do feel you on wondering when we will get that security again. I had a random thought once - and it led me to thinking about my ex and how good i had it, how simple and loved and happy everything felt, the small things i took for granted - like hearing her breath or finishing her sentence, or feeling like i had a an equal that i can always fall back on. What was so normal and routine back then is so special and magical now.

 

Ok, enough sensitive stuff... time for thor to pick a fight to balance himself out...

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I'm miserable doing this. Is my "worthiness" such a big issue?? Is it really like this or have I screwed myself up in the past year? I constantly feel like I'm not good enough in every aspect of my life. Every little misstep toward my goals feels like massive failure. I'm trying to enjoy being single but every night I fall asleep with a horrible feeling that this is how the rest of my life is going to be and want to cry.

 

I

Sounds a bit like number 5

link removed

 

We all suffer from these in various degrees. It's when they impact our well being they become a problem.

Has anyone else ever been in my place, or similar? How did you get your head out of your ass? How did you find self-worth?

 

1. Engage in activities you enjoy and are good at.

2. Physical fitness. The whole mind and body thing is real.

3. Be aware of the things on the list and stop doing them. Even if you need professional support.

 

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Love this, too. But only if it were this easy. We have to do things that we may not enjoy because it is the responsible thing to do. I have an amazing opportunity to live in NYC Boston Nantucket and Alaska over the next 2 years with all my housing paid for by company. But I probably won't jump on it because the health insurance that is being offered is very poor coverage. It would be irresponsible of we to leave my current job that I dislike, but my health insurance is the bomb.

 

Get an individual policy from any carrier. You will have no housing cost for that 2 years, and can pay for a single policy. At your age, it should not be much.

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