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Views on dating a very passive/beta guy


bluebell29

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So I'm continuing on from my last post about a date with a guy I met online last Friday. I didn't know if I should contact him after the date or wait for him to reach out. I texted him in the end to thank him for drinks then he said he is waiting for my invitation. We met again Tue night at a restaurant I picked (he asked me to choose). The date was very nice but I'm still stuck with this passivity!

I think I have analysed it correctly from my interaction with him that it is not that his interest level is super low, but more that he is passive. He's actually really sweet and happy to go with any suggestion I have. Which means I think he is pretty much happy if I lead/initiate everything! But I feel like a fool asking him out everytime (technically he still suggested the last meetup though). We didn't contact each other today. He had mentioned he has an interview tomorrow. Do you think I should text him good luck? Also, should I initiate another meet up (he mentioned he goes climbing, I said I would love to try and he sort of suggested I could join him) and mention to him when we meet that I feel like I'm chasing him if he doesn't initiate?

He is not a big texter and takes hours to text back (I'm pretty sure he's not a player though) so again I don't want to feel like i'm always initiating the texting.

We come from different countries/cultures so it's possible that adds to his hesitation... But how do I know how interested he is in me if I'm always leading? Or is that fine in the beginning??

I know some of you will say I shouldn't bother with him and find someone who will take charge, but I do really like him and think he's really sweet. Is it just the price I have to pay? Or is he really not that into me (to be honest, on the website we met, he did initiate the contact and was sort of leading the conversation and was the one to suggest we should meet).

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First of all text him if you want. I'm a big believer in not trying to overanalyze texts. Wishing someone good luck in an interview is a nice thing to do, especially if you remember.

 

The thing with texting is hard to gauge. I personally hate texting. However, I go out of my way to text guys I'm interested in AND I clarify to them that texting is not really my thing on the off chance I take a bit to reply. I'm just not tied to my phone like that. I think you telling him you feel like you are chasing him this early in the game may be unwise. If it's just been a week, that's really not enough time to know how things are. He may not be making that much of an effort just because it's been one date, you both are still getting to know each other and he may not be into you just yet. You vocalizing that you feel like your chasing him may make you come off as insecure and someone who overreads small things.

 

I've dated passive guys before. The best thing to do is to say is to suggest a day to hang out and ask him to plan the date. If he passes it off to you, try to say that you would love to do something he enjoys and pass it back to him. A guy should get the hint pretty quickly that you want him to plan the date. On the date ask him if texting is the best way to reach him, seriously.

 

Again, I really hate texting and love it when I ask this question to guys and vice versa. Makes my life so much easier since I really dislike texting. It may not be his thing so just get it out in the open. I'd give it another chance, and let it go if the passiveness continues to bother you and if he continues to not take any initiative on planning dates. It may just not be a good match for either of you.

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You could try to initiate again, but that will just set up a routine where you will always be the one doing the asking out/making plans, and he will never feel the need to step up because he knows you'll do it anyway.

To me (and this is only how *I* feel, it doesn't mean it's true for everybody) the only time a guy doesn't put in the effort (at least in the beginning) is when he is lukewarm about me. Every guy I dated who was into me planned our dates, asked me out in advance and initiated daily contact. Knowing what I know now, I would not even bother with a guy when I see I have to do all the work.

 

He is probably still active on dating sites, and doesn't feel the need to put in any effort because he has the standard online dating mentality - if it doesn't work with this gal, there's always the next.

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I do agree with this. You don't want to set up a routine but if you have only been on ONE date this is your chance to try and really get the ball in his court.

 

Also, I'm kind of a believer in giving guys a couple of dates (unless it went terribly or just no chemistry) to see how it goes. For instance I met my ex online. I did not really like him on our first date. We clicked as friends but it didn't feel romantic. Second date, there was something there and it all just came together. I've also met guys I really liked on the first date and then we had like nothing on the second date. I think it's worth giving a second chance since it's not a big deal if he's not into you after a first date. Sometimes it takes time to develop that interest. It also might help you figure out if you really actually like this dude since after just one date, I'm not sure how you could feel that way, enough for you to consider settling into a routine of asking him out on dates.

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If you have to ask if he is interested....he isn't. You say that he is so passive, but he wasn't all that passive before you met, right? So maybe he is not really passive.

 

But really, are you happy? Because you don't sound like you are. You sound frustrated and resenting this already. He is sweet and nice is clearly not enough. There are plenty of sweet guys who know how to organize a date.....when they want to that is. Why get involved with someone when even a date or two in you already don't feel good about things.

 

All I can tell you is that I know I met the right guy when it feels easy and is easy. There is no question that we are interested, there is mutual effort to make dates happen, it just flows and there is a certain sense of security and effortlessness about it.

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So as far as this interview - I suppose the employer found him, initiated his request that your guy come interview there, and your guy just sat back and let the employer do all the work. And when he goes on the interview he's going to be passive again? I bet not. He knows how to take the lead. He just chooses not to (so far) with you - and you're putting up with it . I wouldn't. See how long it takes him to contact you, and then don't let him chit chat more than a few back and forth texts without asking you out on a date he plans. His turn.

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He wasn't passive on that site. Neither about contacting you, nor about suggesting to meet. In my experience, guys act passive when a/they're not that interested or b/they know that the girl is going to do all the work or c/they're dating many girls so they're fine with losing one of them.

You've done plenty so far. I wouldn't do anything else and let him contact me. If he doesn't, you'll know that he wasn't into you. Noone is THAT passive if they like someone.

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Thanks for your responses on this. As an update, he did text me on Friday finally (I actually lost my phone so couldn't text him between our date on Tue and Fri lol). He asked if I wanted to go climbing with him and his friends on Sunday. I initially told him I could confirm on Saturday. I texted Sat to tell him I could make it in the morning as I had to go shopping in the afternoon. He said he and his friends usually go in the afternoon. So I said, maybe next weekend then. He texted me Sunday night saying they finally just went running instead. We exchanged a couple of texts with him asking what I shopped for, etc. He mentioned that he will let me know if he's doing something social this week. I said 'ok sure. good night.'. Thinking back I think that was quite a curt text, abruptly ending the convo - I could have been more enthusiastic I think (especially given he has very passive tendencies in the first place!).

I'm wondering if I have given the impression of not being too enthusiatic. After all, we only had date 2 on my prompting - he seems interested but I think he finds it hard to read me. Part of the reason for my curt response was that it seems like he's asking me out with his friends again while I was expecting a real date. What's up with that? The other part of the reason was that I was really tired lol.

I do really like this one. Should I text him tomorrow to ask if we're still doing something this week? It's Tue night and I haven't heard from him since Sun night.

 

P.S. he's pretty good looking and a bit of a sweetheart so I'm sure he's not lacking options.

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Well on date 2 we were talking about climbing and I was very enthusiastic about trying it out and that's why he invited me.

 

That was my suspicion - that I'm not really conveying my enthusiasm. I'm just so sick of all the dating experiences turning sour that I'm just very cautious and not getting my hopes up.

 

What should I do as a next step? Wait for him to contact me or text him?

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I would end it. It's really disrespectful to classify him as beta when you're just beginning to get to know him. Often alpha means takin to long way if it's going to get you what you want.

 

If he accepts your invitations, he's interested. Sounds like he doesn't follow the common gender stereotypes. He probably cooks and cleans too.

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Also - I just saw that he's online on the dating website we met on. He's pretty darn regular on it! So that's why I'm slightly hesitant in jumping in. Don't you think it's wiser to let him make the moves/take the lead to see if he's actually interested/serious?

 

Mhowe- you're right, I get it. But what I do now?

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This would be perfect for me because I like to be in charge. I have my own issues but two Leaders in a relationship equals zero happy people. I would call him when you want to see him and not call him when you don't. Eventually you two will decide if you really like each other or drift apart. So enjoy it and call him when you want to see him and don't sweat the "roles".

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