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I have given up


anon4297

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I am 29 years old, and I know for sure now that I simply do not care about anything anymore. I wake up with a feeling of impending doom, and lack any motivation whatsoever to change my life for the better. I just don't know what to do anymore, and it hurts to know that I can change, but simply do not have the strength anymore to even try.

 

I have been "depressed" since I was a small child. An abusive mother (mentally and physically), a father who was never there (a controlling manipulative when he was), and the only living grandparent I had is racist (I am half white/half asian) so she was never around either. But she did visit my cousins, quite a bit. I have no understanding of what "family" really is. Honestly, I am so inept with that concept that at times I am scared around other people's families (ex-girlfriends, close friends, etc.), because I don't really know "how to act" in that situation. I grew up in the country, and was surrounded by racism, so I excluded myself from society as much as possible. I remember a kid telling me I didn't have a father, so I pointed to my dad and said, "There he is, that's my dad." The kid said that he couldn't be, because he's white. That was my childhood.

 

And now as an adult, after failed relationships, no career, no goal in life, and lost opportunities, I simply cannot stand what I am. I cannot afford to seek therapy, I push everyone away, and I don't even know what the purpose of this thread is. Maybe I'm seeking sympathy, or pity, I don't know. I just hate the world, and myself, and just everything. I don't want to die, but all the time I think that it wouldn't matter. Not because no one cares, I know there are a few, but because I don't care. And to make it worse, if I don't slow down my drinking, I'm gonna become an alcoholic. Hell, I probably already am one.

 

How do people recover after 2 and a half decades of feeling worthless? If it weren't for those few special people to me, I probably would've already done the deed... but I can't keep doing this. Too much pain, and too much self-pity/guilt. I can't even watch happy movies, I just start crying. And , I may not even feel sad/happy when I see these moments, but I can't hold back the tears. I'm a grown man, I don't understand why I'm crying, and I can't control it. It makes me feel weak, even more.

 

How? How do I change so that I can actually live? I have tried a gratuity journal, volunteering in hopes to see me doing something better for others, openly talking to family (the ones I actually talk to) about my feelings and apparent sickness, and seeing two counselors.

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A new enviro will do u good. Now u just need to keep urself distanced from ur family and find urself some true friends. Keep it head held high, you will get thru this rough time. A new perspective on ur situation is, yes, your parents suck, but it's their problem that they are so sick in the head. Pity them. And forgive them. Once u can forgive them and realize that they are sick, ur healing will take off.

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How do people recover after 2 and a half decades of feeling worthless? If it weren't for those few special people to me, I probably would've already done the deed...

 

life is sometimes a crapshoot, some of us have been dealt a bad hand...all we can do is make the best of it...and that isn't always easy...i won't pretend to know what you are going through...but know that depression and circumstances are distinct...there are those out there who are rich and have a wonderful family but are majorly depressed. then there are those who are forced to work three jobs or have lost their family all together, and are perfectly content. depression can really impact your perspective. and this is something that can be changed for the better with time and effort...

 

but as these thoughts go through your mind, consider the few special people you know. there is more to you than just you. you have value to others and to this earth. There are people out there that care about you...as you are...and we are here to offer you support as well. I know its hard but we believe in you and in your strenghth to get through this...

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Well, for a start, kids often say silly things without meaning any malice, for example, those comments about your dad were probably just them being literal and things were not making sense in the simplified 'logical' minds. They probably literally thought he couldn't be because they couldn't see any other way, so please try not to take that personally.

 

With regards to the drinking, been there, done that. It really doesn't help depression at all, but i'm guessing you know that? It is a central nervous system depressent. The best thing you can do is give it a rest, say, for five days? See how you feel, i'll bet you feel remarkably different.

 

Ps. I think the change (move) will be good. I wish i was 29 again, peak of your life!

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