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Moving in with my boyfriend


Angele

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Hi,

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. I am 26 and he is 28.

 

I still live with my parents since I just started my career. I am a supply teacher and a translator part-time. My boyfriend has his own place.

 

He asks me to come over every day after work and I am with him every weekend. So the only time I'm actually home is just to pick up some clothes. To me, it sounds like I have already moved in, just my personal items have not.

 

I don't want to pressure him into asking me to move in with him, but at the same time, I'm just wondering why he hasn't asked me yet since I'm at his place all the time anyways.

 

Thank you for your input.

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Are you willing to put up money for rent, utilities, groceries, etc.

 

Because a year is kind of quick to move in. He is your bf --- are there plans to be come engaged?

 

He hasn't asked you yet because it is a HUGE step in a relationship, not one of convenience.

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Are you willing to put up money for rent, utilities, groceries, etc.

 

Because a year is kind of quick to move in. He is your bf --- are there plans to be come engaged?

 

He hasn't asked you yet because it is a HUGE step in a relationship, not one of convenience.

 

Yes I am. I already help with groceries since I'm now there 7 days a week. If I would move in, I would definitely help with the bills.

 

We haven't talked about getting engaged. But both of our parents have common law marriages, so we may not even get married in the future.

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Wait until after the Holidays. A yr is still sorta new and the Holiday season comes with it's own bag of stresses.

 

But after that, stop waiting for him to ask YOU and ask HIM! It is no longer 1952 If you think it would be a good step for your relationship and he might be ready as well, bring it up and ask him how he would feel about it!

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Convenience alone, just because u spend all your time together and don't use ur own place, is generally not a good reason to move in together. For some, moving in together is simply a matter of convenience or affordability...for others it means much more than that...I know when my fiance and I moved in, he said that's when he knew it was for life...it meant a great deal more to him than me in that respect.

 

He hasn't asked you yet because he's not ready for that step, or maybe it's not even on his radar. there are no hard and fast rules for when the right time is, but i think its normal after a year to start wondering. I've known couples that have moved in after 3 months, or 5 years...it doesn't matter, every relationship/person is different. Like Sammi said, you are a grown adult, if you want to move in, bring it up with him...you don't need to wait for him. this is a partnership.

 

Just don't be too upset if he isn't ready yet, don't take it personally, people have different paces...and not being ready yet at this point wouldn't be unreasonable.

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He asks me to come over every day after work and I am with him every weekend. So the only time I'm actually home is just to pick up some clothes. To me, it sounds like I have already moved in, just my personal items have not.

 

I don't want to pressure him into asking me to move in with him, but at the same time, I'm just wondering why he hasn't asked me yet since I'm at his place all the time anyways.

 

Sounds like me and my boyfriend, but in reverse. He's at my place all the time. Depending on our schedules we spent 4-6 days together. Though, he has plenty of personal items. A whole wardrobe, lol.

 

He has never suggested moving in because:

 

Convenience alone, just because u spend all your time together and don't use ur own place, is generally not a good reason to move in together. For some, moving in together is simply a matter of convenience or affordability...for others it means much more than that..

 

^^ This.

 

He knows how I feel about moving in together. For me, it means much more. It's building a life together and I'd rather not take that step until we're ready to make a lifelong commitment.

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Honestly, if you live with your folks, I would not have my first place on my own be with a boyfriend. I would get a female roomie or a room for rent. Also, I would dial things back and stay at home sometimes. Right now you are playing house. Also, since it is HIS place, you need to not ask to move in. I know this is not 1952, but HE has to do the asking. if it was YOUR place, you could ask. I know it seems you sort of live there but being there a lot is not living with him. And do NOT move in unless you are clear on what it means for both. They say women want to move in as a sign of commitment and men move in to see if they can commit - they are trying it out.

 

Also, can you really and truly afford half the rent, half the utilities, half the groceries, plus your car insurance, emergency fund, etc. "helping out" and throwing money at things here and there doesn't cut it. I would save as much as i can and have the experience of being on your own for a bit before moving in with a boyfrind. You will be better in the long run

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Whats the rush? I wouldn't move in yet if i were you. A year is really not that long. Maybe give it another year.. the first year living together is hard. Its a big adjustment and if your not a strong enough couple to handle it-you'll fail miserably. You probably havn't even had arguments yet or been through a rough patch. I knew i was ready to live with my bf coz wed been through a LOT together and still managed to be strong. I hated my job (stressed off my head) found out a close relative was dying of cancer which lead to anxiety/panick attacks, my granddad had 3 strokes and a heart attack and then my other sick relative died. All in the space of 6 months and he was my rock that hole time.. then the grieving began and he stayed strong for me when i was at my worst! I knew then hes the one for me

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Thank you for all the responses. I realize moving in together is a big commitment and it is in fact his place. Therefore, I will wait for him to ask me to move in together. We have a great relationship and I am happy with the way things are. Why fix something that isn't broken

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Be careful not to slide into moving in together. It has to be a clearly defined step. And it shouldn't be done for convenience reasons.

 

I moved in with my boyfriend last year, 2012. We still live together now. However, we planned it for a long time and we got our own place. I did not just slowly move my stuff into his. We both moved out of our parent's.

 

Personally, I have lived with roommates and find them overrated. By far. Don't move in with a roommate unless you like the idea of sharing your stuff with a stranger. And if you don't eat, cook for them, and socialize with them, they get angry with you.

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Be careful not to slide into moving in together. It has to be a clearly defined step. And it shouldn't be done for convenience reasons.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

The thing about moving on your own first as well is, you can come at it from an equal footing. No one is really asking the other to move in with the other. YOu decide to move in together; a place for the two of you. Two independents. There are other benefits as well. But of course, it isn't the only way to do it. But I'm a big advocate of it.

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Maybe this idea of moving in, totally is wrong. You two are gonna end up in each other's faces way too much, too fast.

You shld each have your own lives still. Your own interests.. friends etc. And stay involved in these things?

 

I suggest you do not move in but keep things at a safe, reasonable distance. Since your already there, every night AND on your weekends?

Remember this is like the 'honeymoon phase', where you're so into each other, can't get enuff, etc.

BUT over time, that will change and the excitement will die down... then what? Problems will start to arise. You don't want him to start getting tired of hanging around with only you!

 

Actually, you two should be giving each other some ideal space, so this doesn't happen. Because then, when/if it does.. one of you will start taking offense with the fact the other 'no longer' seems excited to be with me... or he's not texting me so much anymore.. etc. This is why- it just starts to ease off- big time with things.

 

It is healthy to have 'your own time'- away from each other for a bit & so you can actually 'miss each other' as well.

 

Think well on your choices here.

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Thank you. We each have our own lives apart from each other. He does martial arts Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays and goes to a hockey game every Friday. We have supper together and then I see him later on at night. I myself spend time with my friends during the week as well. So the only night we spend a lot of time together are Wednesdays and weekends.

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You started a thread this summer wondering if you were clingy. I think that you should not just have other plans when he happens to be busy, but the nights he is at hockey games late or karate or whatever - stay home. Don't go to his house to wait for him. If you spend the night the nights you SPEND TIME together like the weekends - fine, but having your own life doesn't mean just trying to fill the time when he is not available and then going to his place to wait for him the minute he is. I really, really think you need your own place first. A place where you pick out your own stuff, you have your own bills, etc - part of growing up. If you have a rooomate or not - fine. But not him yet

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As someone who lived with 3 different bfs over the years, my husband before we were married, and also by myself in between relationships my suggestion would be don't move in with him.

 

Why?

 

1952 or not, odds are good that as the female partner you will still get stuck with a lot of the grunt work of daily life -- household chores, cooking, keeping track of if you're running low on toothpaste or toilet paper, etc. I don't care how "equality minded" your bf may or may not be....some of my exes were supposedly all about the equality and division of household duties. Turned out that was in theory only...when it came time for someone to actually scrub the damn toilet...the theory was tossed out the window.

 

I learned a hell of a lot more about myself and how to "do" life when I lived alone. Being on your own provides you lessons & experiences you cannot get any other way. My husband never lived alone (went from living with his parents, to living with his first wife -he got married the first time at 19-, then living with his grandmother after he & his first wife split, then living with me) There are amazing gaps in his knowledge about housekeeping/management and dealing with life that I still discover even after being married 11 years.

 

If I could go back 30 years knowing what I know now, I definitely wouldn't bother shacking up with a bf until close to or after marriage.

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I agree that move in or not, you need space from one another to do your own thing. I see my boyfriend everyday but I also take time for my family and my friends apart from him. You have to. It's very easy to feel suffocated. Eventually the spark wears off and you can't be breathing down each others necks the whole time.

 

Definitely don't let yourself get roped into doing most of the household duties. It should be equal. Don't believe it is until you see him in action. My boyfriend didn't think he was going to clean much but now he is the only one who vacuums and cleans the toilet and the shower.

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