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Best and most respectful way of breaking up with gf?


Broken83

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Hello enotalone!

I am writing this post to ask for your insight and advice, as to the most appropriate way of ending things with my gf of 6 years.

 

A little background, we have been dating for 6 years now. At first sex was amazing, communication was great, but after the one year mark, and especially after we said "I love you" to each other, things changed. Sex started decreasing gradually from every day, to once a week, then to once a month, to the point that we now have sex once in every 6 months. In the last 2,5 years we actually had sex 5 times!!!! In the many times I explained to her the importance of sex and asked what could be improved, she always reffered to physical pain during the act, but also some other reasons (she thinks sex is not as important as feelings, but keeping it scarce, it remains special, etc). And even though she knows how important this is to me, nothing changes or improves.

 

This lack of sex, of passion has also brought to light for me, many things that are not compatible. For example, I am a spontaneous guy, she lives her life with many rules. I don't pay too much attention to what others think, she does. I am outgoing and she wants to stay home watching tv everytime we meet. She usually has a "know it all attitude" aswell, which is not the best.

 

Don't get me wrong... she is not a horrible person. She is fun, I know she loves me, when I really needed support , she was there. But, the constant sexual rejection from her has taken its toll on me. Here is a person that I desire, and will not let me touch her. So I have made the decision to end it.

 

I know there is no way that she won't get hurt. She still tells me she loves me, I know she pictures a life together, but I fail to understand how she thinks that's possible without communication and a healthy sex life. Somewhere down the road, I will cheat on her, and I don't want to be a cheater.

 

How would you approach the breakup process? I do want to be respectful and tactful, because I do cherish the time we spent together, but I am no longer happy. I am just trying to find a way that will minimize the pain for her and make it easier for her to get over it... Thank you very much in advance people!

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I really don't have any advice to give here. Break ups are not my forte. (I've only been in 2 relationships and one which is ongoing)

 

Just wanted to say I think you're making the right decision. No need to draw it out when you recognize the core incompatiabilties.

 

she thinks sex is not as important as feelings, but keeping it scarce, it remains special, etc

 

This is complete BS and it's good that you see through it. Obviously she didn't care about keeping it scarce in the first year when you were having sex every day. But her truth is she thinks very little of having sex now. It's likely in her next relationship she'll continue the pattern of having frequent sex and then it dropping off once she's securely in a LTR. It would be best for her to date a guy with a lower libido who won't mind infrequent sex.

 

Anyway, best of luck OP!

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Sex decreases in a relationship for a myriad of reasons, but a couple of the main ones are emotional reasons, libido reasons and enjoyment reasons.

 

What has her gynob said about her pain issues with sex? Has she even gone to one to discuss this and try to rectify it? If she has and the remedy isn't working, that's one thing. However, you say that she has also discounted the importance you have for frequent sex and that is basically telling you that your needs are not important to her. I tend to believe that her reasons are probably more emotional than they are physical. She just doesn't want sex... or more to the point: sex with you.

 

I would just tell her that you two are too sexually incompatible and sex is a very important thing to you; whereas it isn't important to her. You don't want her to make changes just to keep you in the relationship: you want her to tap deep enough into her love for you to attempt to meet you half way and right now, she has not done that in the last 5 years and it looks like she's not willing to consider doing that of her own volition. She's happy being roommates and you're not. You are no longer happy in your relationship, so it's best that you two scale back your relationship to friendship, which is basically what you have anyway. Both of you need to be with someone whose sexual expression is compatible

 

How she takes it from there is on her, but she's really misguided to believe that a 34 yr old, red blooded male would be satisfied with having sex 5 times in a 2 1/2 year period, or to buy into her bs that scarce sex is somehow "sacred". It is not. When it is fueled by love, sex anytime is sacred. Sex, with some men, is a massive means of communicating the depth of their love for the woman they're with.

 

She's not going to like having to give up the familiarity, convenience and comfort of you, but I don't think that she should be allowed those things while at the same time, thinking it's ok to starve you. It's not. Yeah, she will feel hurt but she will eventually get through it.

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This is complete BS and it's good that you see through it. Obviously she didn't care about keeping it scarce in the first year when you were having sex every day. But her truth is she thinks very little of having sex now. It's likely in her next relationship she'll continue the pattern of having frequent sex and then it dropping off once she's securely in a LTR. It would be best for her to date a guy with a lower libido who won't mind infrequent sex.

 

Anyway, best of luck OP!

 

Exactly, Iggles.

 

She did the "bait and switch" on you, OP.

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At the end of the day, there is no good way to break up with someone, especially after 6 six years. My advice to you would be, when you do it, be prepared for her to try to negotiate or barter with you. Know in advance what you are willing to compromise and stay with her for...and know in advance if you are not willing to work on things and all and it's simply a break up conversation. Know in advance whether you will accept a break, don't allow her to ask for these things if you aren't willing to accept them because it just gets messy.

 

If I were you...I would write a letter. 6 years is a long time and requires an explanation. Do you live together? If no, give her a day or two with the letter, then meet to talk...don't let the meeting happen sooner as she needs time to digest and think. Meet, talk about it in person. Then say your goodbyes..

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Wow, so many great responses... Emma, the letter idea is good, but I would prefer to do it face to face.

 

The only thing is that even though I have tolerated the situation, and tried to fix it and talked about it, I feel really bad. She is also 37 yrs old, she might accuse me of wasting her time... I know that the reason I stayed for so long was to fix things, but I still feel like a bad person. On the other hand, I cannot be unhappy and stay in this relationship out of guilt, correct?

 

Another thing I haven't done is to distance myself. I think that this is a cheap tactic. That poses another problem though, that she will tell me "one day you are behaving normally and the next day you dump me?".

Maybe I am over-thinking things, I know my reasons are valid, but cannot help but feel like a villain in the situation.

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How she takes it from there is on her, but she's really misguided to believe that a 34 yr old, red blooded male would be satisfied with having sex 5 times in a 2 1/2 year period, or to buy into her bs that scarce sex is somehow "sacred". It is not. When it is fueled by love, sex anytime is sacred. Sex, with some men, is a massive means of communicating the depth of their love for the woman they're with.

 

And that is exactly how it is for me, so you can imagine the devastating effect her rejection has on me... She also doesn't have any health issues, so the pain she experiences probably comes from her own misconceptions about sex.

Truthfully, even if thing went back to the way they were in the beginning, I feel we have already gone past the point of no return.

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Just tell her honestly how you feel about how things are between the 2 of you and that in spite that you respect her and appreciate what she has done for you you are just not happy anymore and you made up your mind to break up. Simply, honest, firm, respectful. It will be painful for her, no matter how you will do it, but there is nothing you can do about it. She will be fine... I am sure

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My advice to you would be, when you do it, be prepared for her to try to negotiate or barter with you. Know in advance what you are willing to compromise and stay with her for...and know in advance if you are not willing to work on things and all and it's simply a break up conversation. Know in advance whether you will accept a break, don't allow her to ask for these things if you aren't willing to accept them because it just gets messy.

 

Excellent points!

 

The only thing is that even though I have tolerated the situation, and tried to fix it and talked about it, I feel really bad. She is also 37 yrs old, she might accuse me of wasting her time...

 

This makes it even worse, being that often guilt gets in the way of ending things when it's clear it's not working out. The sad reality is that after 6 years, if you find someone else and marry after in short order then she will cast you as the villain. She'll openly commiserate with her friends, "why did he marry her, not me?" They'll sympathize and say, "you deserve better!" If they knew the real reason most of them will understand but they won't ever hear it from her.

 

Don't let fear of being the bad guy keep you in an unhappy relationship. It may be hard to imagine now, but you will heal and move on. Your future partner/wife's family and friends will be a big part of your world. They won't think you're a bad guy, on the contrary you will be the guy who brings their loved one much happiness. Hold onto that.

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i would just say to her "this is hard for me, i don't want to hurt you but i cant be with you anymore. I feel we have outgrown each other and our relationship is like a friendship. I no longer feel a strong connection and i don't think we are compatable. I cannot stay in a sexless relationship. I feel really unwanted, unloved and undesirable and i cant stand the constant rejection. It hurts. I need to move on with my life.

 

If she begs, pleads, promises to change etc... just say ive made up my mind, please dont make this any harder then it needs to be.

 

She will likely try to get you back through sex. Don't go there. Its not fair to you or to her.. once its over, its over and there's no going back, no sex, no texting, phone calls etc..

 

can i just ask though: when your relationship was sexual, did you give her foreplay, did she orgasm, enjoy it? If no theres the answer to y she went off sex but its too late to fix it now. Your not lovers anymore, your friends and this needs to end

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Thank you very much for the reply... Everytime we have sex, even in these times, she always orgasms... and as far as foreplay go, I can literally spend hours there, no problem at all Αnd that is why it's so confusing, when we have sex, its great, and she admits it.... we just don't have it anymore. Another thing that is confusing, is that she constantly tells me I look sexy, that she wants me, but it never goes beyond words. We men are more "square" beings, if you get my point.... If yo find me sexy, why do you starve me sexually, you know? Thanks for the input!

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Don't let fear of being the bad guy keep you in an unhappy relationship. It may be hard to imagine now, but you will heal and move on. Your future partner/wife's family and friends will be a big part of your world. They won't think you're a bad guy, on the contrary you will be the guy who brings their loved one much happiness. Hold onto that.

 

This is such an amazing and helpful thing to say... thank you very much

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You sound like a good guy who has stayed longer than most would under the circumstances. You have already gotten good advice here so all I will add is good luck. Stay firm in your decision and don't let her try to change your mind. She will be fine and so will you.

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Your time has been wasted too. Don't forget that. You could have spent the last 6 years with someone who would have not been so selfish and self -centered that they would have communicated with you and found their way to a mutually beneficial compromise so that both parties are getting their basic needs met. Having it all her way at your expense isn't mutually beneficial. It's selfishness.

 

Let her say what she wants to say. You acting "normally" and then breaking up with her hasn't got anything to do with anything. You don't need to act like a jerk in order to break up. You tried. You tried things her way and you can't do it anymore. There is no point in it. And what would that say about her if all of a sudden, she's only willing to try to work on things once you're on your way out the door? Do you know what that says? That says she could have been doing this all a long time ago and CHOSE not to do it. Not until she was faced with losing did she pony up some compromise with you. Do you not see how cheap of a shot that is toward you? All this time, had she had the will to work this through, she would have.

 

Manipulation. I refer you to my signature line below:

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You sound like a good guy who has stayed longer than most would under the circumstances. You have already gotten good advice here so all I will add is good luck. Stay firm in your decision and don't let her try to change your mind. She will be fine and so will you.

Thank you very much

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Thank you very much for the reply... Everytime we have sex, even in these times, she always orgasms... and as far as foreplay go, I can literally spend hours there, no problem at all Αnd that is why it's so confusing, when we have sex, its great, and she admits it.... we just don't have it anymore. Another thing that is confusing, is that she constantly tells me I look sexy, that she wants me, but it never goes beyond words. We men are more "square" beings, if you get my point.... If yo find me sexy, why do you starve me sexually, you know? Thanks for the input!

 

Well im with ny bf 5 years and our sex life is great. 4-5 times a week in general. The only time i turn him down is if im sore down there. Sometimes i get bacterial infections (thrush) and its too painful but it upsets me more than him if we cant have sex.. so believe me not all women are like this. Your just not compatable unfortunately.

 

Can i ask out of curiosity did she used to sleep around before meeting you? The only reason i ask is coz a few of my gf were like that before getting with their bfs and now they talk about sex like its a chore and act like hes some kinda pervert for wanting her. Ive told them if they keep rejecting him-one day they will lose him

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Well im with ny bf 5 years and our sex life is great. 4-5 times a week in general. The only time i turn him down is if im sore down there. Sometimes i get bacterial infections (thrush) and its too painful but it upsets me more than him if we cant have sex.. so believe me not all women are like this. Your just not compatable unfortunately.

 

Can i ask out of curiosity did she used to sleep around before meeting you? The only reason i ask is coz a few of my gf were like that before getting with their bfs and now they talk about sex like its a chore and act like hes some kinda pervert for wanting her. Ive told them if they keep rejecting him-one day they will lose him

 

To tell you the truth, I don't really know... I didn't want to know, so I never asked. I do think though that generally she sees sex as something that is secondary in a relationship, which unfortunately is not the case. I do know how a good relationship works, from past experiences and it is a combination of everything, sex and emotion, and we are lacking in that.

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Ya i honestly don't think you can maintain a strong emotional connection without sex. Without it theres distance. I dont think its the be all and end all. Balance is important but sex is one of those boxes that cant go un-ticked. At least not for a long period anyway.

 

I think your doing the right thing ending this.

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I think writing a letter is helpful for you to get all of your thoughts out and organize them. But I would strongly suggest that you do not send her that letter. After six years, you need to do it face to face and as soon as possible.

 

Ultimately, I do think you have wasted her time, yes, but it's not an unforgivable thing. For some reason you thought you could work on things and to a certain extent you sounded afraid of doing this earlier.

 

Giving her a letter to process alone can be very cold and she is going to want to talk to you as soon as poissible. Do it in person an be prepared for her to try to bargain with you. Stay firm.

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I think writing a letter is helpful for you to get all of your thoughts out and organize them. But I would strongly suggest that you do not send her that letter. After six years, you need to do it face to face and as soon as possible.

 

Ultimately, I do think you have wasted her time, yes, but it's not an unforgivable thing. For some reason you thought you could work on things and to a certain extent you sounded afraid of doing this earlier.

 

Giving her a letter to process alone can be very cold and she is going to want to talk to you as soon as poissible. Do it in person an be prepared for her to try to bargain with you. Stay firm.

 

Thank you very much for your response. That idea of wasting her time, is what makes me feel bad, but as you said, I honestly thought things would work out. I guess I found out the hard way that they usually don't. And I do agree that a letter after 6 years is cold, that's why I'm gonna do it face to face. She deserves that, as well as our relationship. Thank you!

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They are no nice break up; the nicest thing that you can do is face to face ASAP. Believe me I learned from my experience, honest is your best friend, I rather that person tell me straight. When you talk, just be sensitive to her feelings.

 

Ι know that there is no such thing as a nice breakup, unfortunately. I will do it in the coming days, possibly tomorrow... damn, relationships are messy

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  • 6 months later...

So, guys and girls, here I am returning to this thread... sorry for the lack of update, but I found myself giving one more chance to her.

 

I confronted her on the next day of my latest post, in December. We had a really long and nice conversation about the problem. She was very understanding and mature, there were a few tears aswell. I basically explained to her that I cannot go on living like this, that its becoming a problem for me. I told her I cannot picture a future for us, because of this... I would stay loyal for some time and then cheat her in the end. I told her I don't want to become this person, especially if we had children, because I don't want them to pay for our mistakes. I asked her whether she believed that this would improve if we got married, she told me "it rarely does..." I mean,s he agreed to every single thing!!!!

 

She agreed in everything I said, she told me she knows that I have every right to feel like this, but also that she loves me, the pain thing obviously. She also complained that, the fact I can go on for a long time every time we have sex causes her pain, because she orgasms first. She told me she wished we could be a little more spontaneous also, but when I told her that the lack of spontaneity is because she wants everything to be perfect, she told me "you are right" and shrugged it off.. She also told me that she has the need to be wooed every single time, like it is our first time. I don't know if I am a jerk, but I find this really childish. I do nice things for her already. After 7 years though, I don't expect to go through tests every single time, just to make love with my girlfriend.

 

Anyway, long story short, we agreed to give it another go, I agreed to be a little more romantic in my approach and try to finish faster when we have sex, she agreed to work on this problem more. The exact next day, she satisfied me orally (probably being scared I would dump her). And since then... six months later, nothing. Literally.... Nothing, not even oral, zero. Her attitude improved bery much, very caring and always telling me nice things, how hot she finds me, how much she loves me, but this hasn't materialized to sex.

 

I am at my wits end. I have had the most open conversation of my life with her... laid all my cards on the table, and no change. Had sex 5 times in the last 3 years, and the last time we had sex was in September. Do u feel there is anything else I should do? I feel I have tried everything and am ready to move on. I do have a little nagging feeling though, for the reasons stated in previous posts. Should I ignore it and break up? Am I shallow?

 

Thanx for reading people! Sorry for the late update

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