Jump to content

Can an unheathy relationship truly change


clou91

Recommended Posts

I am back again. and have started seeing a councillor (who i think is really good) who is helping me through my insecurities. And i am feeling better.

 

One thing that she has mentioned is that i almost have a fear of being rejected and this causes all of the low self esteem and insecurity. And i do think this came from the beginning of the relationship when he was unfaithful (but it was my choice to forgive him) I always felt not good enough. But i have now carried this and let it destroy me for the last 3 years. Pushing for commitment, being insecure, constantly asking for reassurance and just being generally unhappy. (even though my boyfirend has really changed)

 

Me and my boyfriend are now living together and there seems to be no bad arguments, i am not feeling as insecure or worried.

 

I am working on my own happiness at the moment and how to find that OUTSIDE of the relationship and not rely on my boyfriend to do that.

 

But one thing that keeps coming up is can a healthy relationship form after what i think has been 2 years of an unhealthy relationship?

 

I look back at the drama i have caused, how my boyfriend in the beginning did things i clearly didn’t agree with (sent inappropriate messages) but I chose to stay with him but then punished him for it for 2 years. Constantly dragged up the past, cried wolf by threatening to leave but i never meant it. I actually cringe looking back at how i acted. Constantly obsessed by if he loved me or if he would leave me. I know i must have come accross as so weak and desperate. I had no bondaries and could never follow through with anything i said. I was weak.

 

Yet now we seem to be in such a better place, living together, planning to travel together. It just seems crazy. After such an unhealthy beginning to the relationship where my boyfriend found commitment and i love you's very hard. Now were living together he tells me he loves me all the time and speaks about the future.

(yet this seems to have taken 2 years and 1 break up to achive)

 

I think im asking two things here.

 

1) Do people think after such a rocky 2 years things could finally be getting better and this is why his commitment has changed? I mean can this relationship ever be truly healthy?

 

2) Because of how desperate and clingy i have acted in the past does he think that of me? even now that i am showing changes? I had no respect for myself or my boundaries and i am so adamant to change and be my own person. I am changing for ME but again i do not want to be with someone who thinks i am desperate.

 

Any advice along with tips about becoming stronger and less insecure would really help. I suppose i want to be at a point where i want my relationsip but dont NEED it.And i dont want to have to cling to it so bad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yes they can. You have qualities that attracted him in the first place, you still have those. You say you are working on your insecurities and obviously he can see that and see how hard you are trying. Let the past stay in the past if you overthink it all it will manifest into a problem. Lap up the wonderful place you are in at present.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yes they can. You have qualities that attracted him in the first place, you still have those. You say you are working on your insecurities and obviously he can see that and see how hard you are trying. Let the past stay in the past if you overthink it all it will manifest into a problem. Lap up the wonderful place you are in at present.

 

But what about the 2 years of desperation and clingy behaviour and all of the horrible dramatic arguments? How can I make him forget that and respect me?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But what about the 2 years of desperation and clingy behaviour and all of the horrible dramatic arguments? How can I make him forget that and respect me?

 

You can't make him forget. You can stop talking about them, if you still do. The only thing you can do is what you are doing. Live better, keep working on you. And only talk about those things if he brings it up, then just let him talk, let him get his feelings out.

 

Just keep on working on you! Don't keep mentioning it. Don't bring it up. That's the best way to get past it. In my opinion

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I believe it can change, yes, but only if:

 

1) You guys are COMMITTED to change. Both of you. Not just one person.

 

2) You keep seeing a therapist to work out issues and to resolve old ones.

 

3) Try to stop bringing up the past so much! Everytime you bring it up, you're picking at a scab and peeling it off. Sorry to be gross but your relationship has gotten damaged and now it has scabbed over in some parts and needs to heal. You need to leave those parts alone except for when it matters (in therapy for example).

 

Focus on the good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...