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Struggling to find myself after two major breakups?


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I'm really sorry for the long story but I have the need to explain fully... So here goes.

 

At age 17 I married a man who was 24 at the time. We were madly in love and all that jazz. Before marrying him though, I did warn him that I wanted to finish school and have a career and not be a housewife. He was all cool with it.

 

Anyway

 

After living in Chicago for 2 years without friends or family (I used to live in the UK) I finally had gotten my green card and was therefore allowed to start University. He was a little skeptical and intimidated about me going but regardless it was

what we agreed upon. Problems started from there. I never looked at another guy in any way other than just being acquaintances or they were friends of my girlfriends. My ex husband kept saying things that he didnt like how popular I was getting and so on. But I always reassured him that my eyes were only for him.

 

Slowly though, I noticed how other couples had spent their time together. They went bowling, went to the cinemas, things like that.I was manipulated from the day I got married that all these little things that I wanted to do was superficial

and that didn't equate to true love. We didn't even go on a honeymoon! I'd just get so happy if we went grocery shopping together and even that was a major waste of time for him. He kept defining all the things he wanted to do that meant loving each other such as going for long walks or sitting near the lake and holding hands. I accepted it back then because I wanted him to feel loved. But I realised later that he didnt believe in spending money for fun. He would explain that fun is all mental and that we have each other. He was such a cheap skate. I wasn't allowed to buy a vacuum because to him, brushing the carpet was effective. Or if I went to walgreens and bought myself make up, he'd check the online accounts and ask me what I bought. I hated it. I said just give me cash for the month and then you wont have to be surprised from my purchases. He said no. Can I get a job instead? No.

 

Oh and by the way, he makes 400k a year+bonuses.

 

Anyway

 

Another thing that really annoyed me about myself that he made me feel stupid all the time. Whatever opinion I had wasn't sufficient. And if he asked for it, he wouldn't reply. He'd just look at me like I was the dumbest girl. So whatever he said went.

 

I was getting depressed in the marriage and didnt know why. I begged him multiple times for us to see a marriage counselor. No. after 4 years and a half of begging, I threatened him with divorce. He always caused waterworks whenever he wanted his way. He cried and said, NO.

 

I couldn't divorce him or leave him as I had no where else to stay. I ended up liking another boy at university. lets just call him guy#2 He made me feel so smart, special, worthy of his time. He always wanted to do different things, go to restaurants, watch movies, and never expected anything from me. He found me so funny and so on. I couldnt help myself but wanting to spend time with him constantly. I'd make excuses to my ex husband why I would be home late such as studying or whatnot. All the guilt of lying crept up and I eventually told my ex that I was falling out of love for him because of another guy. I was again really stupid. I should have ended things with my ex husband or left the country to stay with my family for a break but instead was looking for attention from this guy that I liked. Well my ex husband wanted a divorce because he kept going crazy saying I slept with the guy.

 

I had to leave the country and stay with my family. I told guy#2 how I felt about him. He was ecstatic and said he felt the same. We ended up being in a relationship for 2 years. The divorce also took two years. The divorce was so painful that I ended up taking it out on guy#2. He dumped me close to the divorce finalising. I was extremely heartbroken. And after the signing of the papers, I hear that my ex husband was already engaged to a woman overseas a few months after the issuance of the divorce.

 

Now I'm a student living with a roommate in Chicago. I've been single for two years and I feel so empty and alone. I don't know who I am or what I want. I'm 24 and I feel like no man will ever be interested in me because I have no personality. Getting married at 17 where everything was about him, and getting out and then into a new relationship right after where he dumped me as well, I've lost all confidence in myself. I'm in university, taking gen eds and I'm older than majority of the students there. and when I graduate I'll be 27. When I apply for jobs younger people will get the jobs first because they're cheaper and faster.

 

And another major point, I'm insanely erratic ever since I've gotten single. I'm attractive and guys approach me all the time. But these past experiences have changed the overall mentality of myself. I'm so scared and hardly ever happy.

 

I have not made this easy on any of you guys. I apologise, but I ask one thing, how do you find yourself? How do you enjoy life when all the things you've learned to enjoy were with your partner? I'm so lost... Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks so much.

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I know how you feel... Especially with the scared.. I was dumped almost 3 years ago... I was in love hard...we did everything together.... Over the years I've dated and had little relationships that never lasted long. It felt like I just didn't know how to even be in a relationship.... I felt like everything I wasDoing was all wrong. Im 33 now. I have my career, and thats really it.

 

You have your friends, school. Enjoy life with them, get your degree finished and don't sweat the small stuff, it will all makes sense one day. You'll be happy. Your in chicago! Buy a camera and do photography or something.... I'm in northern Michigan .... I woke up and shoveled 4 inches of snow and hungover.... It was a challenge..Lol.

 

Also I found that a daily dose of passion flower really helps with elevating moods and looking at the brighter sides of the world.

 

Best wishes for you, your not alone in the world. You have my support and that of all who are here.

Happy Holidays!

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