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Cancelled date, rate sincerity level


j.man

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So I posted about it before, I set a date about a week ahead of time with a German post-doc (I think?) student I met at a Thanksgiving party.

 

I remembered the place I suggested we go to can get pretty packed and I should probably schedule a reservation. I sent her a text this afternoon letting her know I was going to reserve a table and wanted to make sure 6:00 was still good for her if she might need some more time before we meet.

 

She gets back to me tonight around 10:00 with a really long, 4-part text saying this,"

 

"Hey xxxx, just came home from a long group project session in the library, so it's been really busy. Anyway, our department Christmas party is this Thursday already because people are leaving early next week. I didn't even realize that this conflicted with our dinner plans until now. I'm so sorry, it was really sweet of you to arrange that already. Would you be very disappointed if we postpone dinner for a couple of days and have coffee as a study break instead sooner? I'm really sorry again, let me know what you think."

 

None if it is really unbelievable. She is a post-doc (or a grad student... not sure which) and finals week is next week. It's a big reason I was iffy on scheduling something a week in advance.

 

I responded with:

 

"Don't worry about it at all! If you've got a few minutes, could you call me and we'll work it out?"

 

She responds:

 

"Thank you, that makes me feel a lot better! I give you a call tomorrow afternoon, I feel so done for tonight.... Good night!"

 

I tell her I'll talk to her tomorrow and wish her a goodnight.

 

Anyhow, like I said, none of this is difficult for me to believe, but I don't know if I'm just being naive. I also think the fact she sent a big ass text to explain it might show she's worried I'd be upset or put off. I didn't wanna push for a phone call at 10pm, but at the same time, I know I could very easily forget to call someone in the afternoon with school/work going on. I'm a bit worried she may not call, but I suppose that's something to worry about when/if it happens.

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This is definitely not blowing you off. She even asked for a coffee date earlier than the dinner. 4 page texts are not something people do when they are uninterested. For future reference, try to not overthink long texts. I personally hate texting and am guilty of sending folks long texts. Guys have misread my intentions with these long texts and I always have to explain it's just a text. If she doesn't call you, then feel free to call her or text her. The early parts of dating are always tough, especially around the holiday season when all these things are going on. I've been planning a couple of dates with the guy I'm currently seeing and keep forgetting random holiday parties and whatnot. This all seems genuine.

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Yeah I agree with the others. And with the timing and all too; I'd keep expectations low. See what happens tomorrow and if she makes sure to get that date happening. If she does, good sign.

 

It might turn out she has very little time for actual dating, or she is a flake...but you don't know that yet. I do know I wouldn't be particularly impressed with her forgetting; even though it seems genuine and things happen. She agreed to the date, knowing she is busy right now; she could have said instead "well I have finals all next week. But I am interested in going on a date with you. How about I call you when they are over? Would that be alright with you?". A lot of people though may be afraid that it would look like a blow off to say that - so it may be the reason why she accepted anyways; she is interested and wanting to show you that.

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Thanks so much guys! She didn't call me during the afternoon, but I didn't expect her to because I know I wouldn't remember to myself. I sent her a simple text with times I was available and she suggested a time and place for coffee early Friday afternoon. Only suck thing is I'll be going home for Christmas pretty soon so if we click over the coffee, I'd like to think of a way to ask her out again soon without looking pushy/needy. But it's all contingent on how Friday afternoon goes.

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Truthfully, she's not interested. Sometimes, when I'm too shy to reject a guy openly, I'll ask to reschedule because I know that's the polite thing to do.

Usually, it means I'm not interested enough. I'll just ask to reschedule and never call again (or pray the guy will never call again).

When I'm into a guy, I'll go out of my way to go on a date with him. She's clearly not interested.

 

Trust me, when a girl is interested, she makes sure there won't be any conflicting plan!

 

Just because she asked to reschedule, doesn't mean she's into you. Trust me, I've done this so many times because I was afraid of rejecting the person.

Don't chase her.

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Truthfully, she's not interested. Sometimes, when I'm too shy to reject a guy openly, I'll ask to reschedule because I know that's the polite thing to do.

Usually, it means I'm not interested enough. I'll just ask to reschedule and never call again (or pray the guy will never call again).

When I'm into a guy, I'll go out of my way to go on a date with him. She's clearly not interested.

 

Trust me, when a girl is interested, she makes sure there won't be any conflicting plan!

 

Just because she asked to reschedule, doesn't mean she's into you. Trust me, I've done this so many times because I was afraid of rejecting the person.

Don't chase her.

 

Hmmm. So you're saying that every time a woman backs out of a date, even if she explains the issue in 4 texts and suggests rescheduling, she's not interested?

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It's no wonder men are confused by us.

 

Even when I'm really interested in a guy, if I have to cancel I won't necessarily suggest rescheduling because I don't want to seem over-eager. They always come around again so it's worked fine for me.

 

Other women will suggest rescheduling out of politeness, even when they're not interested.

 

I would be so confused if I was a guy. So glad I don't have to take the lead on this stuff and can just be passive.....

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Thanks for the replies. I agree that it isn't exactly encouraging that she'd not call in the afternoon when she said she would. But given that she's a working PhD student and this is the last week of classes, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. And really, given that I'm a working student as well, even had she called mid-day, I probably wouldn't have been able to answer. I'd hesitate to call it a "stupid" idea, but a weekday afternoon is probably the last time commit to calling someone, especially during this time.

 

I suppose the reasons I'm still optimistic are the vibes I picked up during the party we were at, the fact she was the one to suggest meeting up, the wording of her apology text, and the fact she gave a specific time and place today (noon on Friday at a coffee shop not far off campus). But I appreciate the grounded and well-rounded insights!

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It's no wonder men are confused by us.

 

Even when I'm really interested in a guy, if I have to cancel I won't necessarily suggest rescheduling because I don't want to seem over-eager. They always come around again so it's worked fine for me.

 

Other women will suggest rescheduling out of politeness, even when they're not interested.

 

I would be so confused if I was a guy. So glad I don't have to take the lead on this stuff and can just be passive.....

 

Wow, if a woman blew me off and then didn't at least suggest a different day to get together, I'd never call her again...

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To the OP - sorry, but yes you are being naive. If a woman is actually interested in you, she won't "forget" stuff like the fact that she already had plans on the night of your date.

 

When they like you, you can tell, and you'll be surprised how easy it is: they actually show up at the pre-arranged time, call when they say they're going to call, suggest alternate days to meet with you if they can't meet when you suggest, etc.

 

Some women find it almost impossible to say the word "No" to your face, so they flake on dates but then send four-page texts giving an explanation why so you won't feel bad.

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I vote for she's not that interested. Even when I was insanely busy with exams or work -and yes similar to this woman -if I was interested I never forgot to call when I said I would or to try to reschedule - and back then it was much harder to put in that effort because I didn't have texting/cell when I dated and only had email for a few of those years. I still would give her till her exams are over just in case.

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Wow, if a woman blew me off and then didn't at least suggest a different day to get together, I'd never call her again...

 

Interesting. Well that hasn't happened to me yet. I never just blow a guy off. If I have to cancel, it's because of a work emergency or something like that and I always express remorse.

 

Suggesting a different day to get together puts a woman in a more masculine role IMO. I think romance works best when the man is the initiator and the woman responds.

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Interesting. Well that hasn't happened to me yet. I never just blow a guy off. If I have to cancel, it's because of a work emergency or something like that and I always express remorse.

 

Suggesting a different day to get together puts a woman in a more masculine role IMO. I think romance works best when the man is the initiator and the woman responds.

I think as long as you express interest in rescheduling, it's fine if you're not throwing specific days and places at the guy. In this case, it was a couple days ahead of time and with finals coming up, it's not as though I can't fill the time anyhow. It didn't upset me as much as cancelling say, a weekend date.

 

Another thing I should mention is I ended up texting her around 5pm, when she said she'd call me in the afternoon. I wouldn't have had an opportunity to answer the phone during the day anyhow and wasn't going to for the next couple hours (so there was only about a 30 minute window she could have reached me the entire day), so I sent the text to her with my available times just for the sake of getting it out of the way rather than playing phone tag (usually I'd prefer to call, but if we're both going through a very busy time, it's not something I need to insist on). She is relatively new to the country, and while I'm unfamiliar with German culture, I know at least in Spain (where my family comes from) concepts like "afternoon" and "evening" are generally interchangeable, while "night time" is what you'd expect it to be. She may or may not have actually neglected to call me. But the less optimistic among you may be right! We'll see tomorrow at noon. I'll follow up either way it goes.

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