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Want to make this work.. But will it?


StandingIn

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Hey there, well its my first time ever turning to anyone or anyplace for real advice..

 

To start im 23 male, im a cancer, and can be somewhat emotional but can be very caring, although I do have a short temper and tend to yell when I think someone is misinterpreting my actions. But im VERY understanding..

 

My girlfriend is 21 shes a scorpio, she can be very nice to others and is a real great friend and will do anything for anyone, including me.. atleast thats how it started out.. shes not so understanding, and can be very hurtful and hard to talk to at times...

 

Well recently my daughter was born.. shes only 2 months.. we kinda both wanted to get into this ordeal of having children even though we had only known each other for around 3-4 years.

 

We both love our daughter and this does not seem to be the issue, as most of the time the children are never the real issue.. so ill move on from this, but its just another reason I want to make it work.

 

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The issues ive been having are that shes really hard to have a conversation with when it comes to my feelings and respect towards me and so forth.

I have been raised to try and talk about certain things to find a solution, while she does not follow the same road, she chooses to ignore issues and for me to leave her alone when we argue.

 

Recently since we have had our daughter she feels the need to tell me that I do not do enough for her, as in I dont feed her or tend to her all the time..

We live with my parents and my mom is a very honest person, so when I talk to her about that, she tells me that she sees herself what I do and that its more than many other men do for their children. Even though she tells me these things I take it passively because shes my mother. But I know for sure that its not NOTHING. Of course this upsets me because she keeps bringing it up a lot

 

She says im just real sensitive when I want to try and talk about that and other things. She does not seem to care for me like she use to, and it shows. She gives me attitude all the time and every time she initiates a conversation with me I feel like its in a hurtful tone and a complaint towards me...

 

Whenever I have some sort of complaint, like for instance, about cleaning the room and keeping it organized. She gets upset with me and thats it.... I really feel like I cant get upset with her or have any sort of bad feeling toward her, because she then suddenly turns it around on me, or plain out says she doesnt care that im upset with her..

 

Recently she has also told me things like, I dont love you anymore, I want to move out, I hate you, just negative stuff.. It all passes however in a couple HOURS but its very hurtful.. she goes to the extremes when we fight..

 

When we fight, however I do tend to yell and call her names, it was not like this before we were such in love with each other and very respectful.. but i have become frustrated with her disrespect, its hard to not yell when the other person already has painted a picture of you in her mind and she wont have an adult argument with you and says im to sensitive and that she doesnt care..

 

For a little more insight, ill walk you through last night's fight.

 

I was walking to my bedroom where the computer is, and she was in a bad mood because I had told her a couple hours before that I hated how our room was such a mess because she just left stuff everywhere and I always clean up just to have her make it a mess again and I also told her I would clean it up again but can she please just be a little more organized. NO YELLING NOTHING. She then went into a bad mood cleaning little stuff up.. so I came in trying to talk to her I had made up my mind that I would finish this bowl of cereal and we would have a nice night watching a movie with the baby.. as soon as I come to tell her my plans, she acts like if im not there and bumps into me dropping the cereal and gets upset and says well you see me walking and says sorry and thats it... She doesnt offer to pick it up or even have a more sincere apology.. Obviously the cereal was not a big deal but this sums up a great deal of how she treats apologies or my feelings.. she just scoffs about my feelings and pretty much says it and goes on about it.. and I cant be upset or else she doesnt care or gets upset at me and I feel like I have to apologize to her

 

Wonder how this can work out

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Since she's not here right now, and all you can ever do is change your own actions (not those of others) then here is what I recommend:

 

1. Stop talking to your mother about this.

2. Find a way to move out so the two of you are not living with your parents, and so that you are not sharing a tiny room in a house that gets messy and crowded.

3. Stop yelling at her, and calling her names, regardless of what she's doing. That is never a solution, and it's verbally abusive.

 

Regarding the specific fight you mentioned about the messy room... your approach was really negative and attacking. You could have just said the end part, about wanting to be more organized, and even then it should have been about both of you doing so. Telling her that you hate the mess, that she left stuff anywhere, that you always have to clean up- that was just about the worst way to approach a discussion about changing something that's making you unhappy.

 

If you try, and she doesn't reciprocate, then I would suggest some sort of counseling so you two can learn to communicate, because it sounds like a mess in that area.

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Seems like you two are at 2 different levels and 'competing' for so much attention.

You do need to understand that having a baby 'can' change people. She could be 'lacking' in sleep which can make one irritated etc.

Also, the 'demands' of a baby are high and can frustrate the parents after a while, especially IF they get NO 'downtime', for a mental break.

And the lack of private times together will also be greatly reduced once a child arrives. So there's all kinds of issues that can arise with the arrival of baby.

 

She could just be 'venting' at you because of this--over small things which can then have YOU Lash back or feel like crap, etc.

Maybe try a 'date night' for the both of you? Or offer to take baby off her hands for a cpl hrs, where she can go visit a friend or shop, nap or go have a relaxing bath?

 

Good to try & understand what may be 'triggering' these moods.

Has it been bad after baby arrived? Try and work together during this time as it is a HUGE change in life now.

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I had similar issues with my ex, but I also feel in my case there were emotional issues involved. The core here is you guys seem to have opposite communication styles. With that said I also feel you are taking this role of " we are having a problem and I must solve it" in some cases letting things go is the right thing to do, but if behaviors and things keep repeating it would make sense to try to find a solution. You said being a cancer you were sensative... Is she sensative too??? If she's not there shouldn't be a huge problem approaching her and asking her to talk about a few things. Again though I only know what you are telling me.

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