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some advise on blended family


purell78

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I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. We live in a house with family and now we want to go off on our own. My boyfriend has a child whom which I know spend time with a care for very much. His custody arrangment is one day during the week he goes out to see his child and is home around 630 or 7 to spend the rest of the night with me. 2 days a week he works at night so we only get about an hour or 2 together before we go to sleep and on his two days off he has the child. (His job will be changing soon where he will have all week day shift) The house that we will be moving into in about 6 months is the house he owns but is now renting it. When the tenants move out he we will be moving in. The house is about 30 minutes farther from my job but very close to his child. He has already expressed wanting to see his child more so we had discussed he will probably be spending another day during the week with the child for a few hours. Now this gets to me a little because if he is going to be taking care and seeing his child 4 days a week I dont feel it's right he should be paying such a high rate of child support also considering my commute is going to be longer that is less time we are going to be spending together at night during the week. I would say about 3 hours a night. We barely ever get a full day to ourselves but that's the sacrafice I made getting involved with someone with a child. Would it be right to ask for a few extra hours on one of his days off considering he's getting extra time during the week? To go to the movies go out to eat have a date night even if it's spent at home watching tv. I feel I should I think if he loves me he should be ok with that. What do you think?

For the most part he makes me feel important and values the things I say but I don't want us to loose our time and then therfore eventually loose the connections. I feel like its going to get worse when his ex meets someone.

Ever since we have started this relationship I have had conversations with people and have been doing research and while a lot of people have told me the kids come first I have been reading a lot of articles from professionals that say your partner is supposed to come 1st and that you should have a healthy balance between child and partner. The children will grow up and get lives of their own and if you constantly throw your partner under the bus for your children you loose you partner and eventually your child for the most part will have a life of their own. What are your opinions on this?

I for the most part don't think I am not asking for much here. Was just wondering how to help my relationship maintain a health balance.

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You seem to think that you are owed more attention than the child, and since you have dated for a year, that simply isn't right or true.

 

The child support is mandated by the court, according to his salary.

 

The fact that your commute will change has no bearing on any of this -- and honestly, competing with a small child for attention, when you will see him

every night (once his shift changes) seems very selfish.

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Him and the child are a package deal and that's that. If your relationship will continue forward, then his child will become a bigger and bigger part of your life. If that's a problem for you, better get out now.

 

When it comes to finances and child support, never ever get in the way of that. Sounds like he is a good dad and will support his child to the max. So you harping on money for his child will not sit well with him.

 

As for having a date night, yes you should ask. Not in a resentful, you are spending too much time being a dad kind of way, but in a nice I'd like to keep our romance flourishing manner. That part is important for every couple, child or no child.

 

I guess what concerns me is that you sound highly resentful of his child and that's not healthy or good.

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you seem to be very nasty. That's not what I was saying. I was asking for a date night for the two of us. I don't know what you have going on in your head and you have no idea how I have gone above and beyond for him and his child. So don't make assumptions.

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I think 3 hours a night is great. That's enough time to snuggle and watch a movie or go out to dinner. Having an occasional weekend get away w/ the just the two of you would be appropriate, too. I think it's important that he be active and available to his child. As far as child support goes, if you aren't sharing finances then it's really not your business. I'd only bring that up if you're footing most of the bills because he can't contribute due to his child support, otherwise I wouldn't say anything about it.

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you seem to be very nasty. That's not what I was saying. I was asking for a date night for the two of us. I don't know what you have going on in your head and you have no idea how I have gone above and beyond for him and his child. So don't make assumptions.

 

Gone above and beyond for the child? Enlighten us.

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Him and the child are a package deal and that's that. If your relationship will continue forward, then his child will become a bigger and bigger part of your life. If that's a problem for you, better get out now.

 

When it comes to finances and child support, never ever get in the way of that. Sounds like he is a good dad and will support his child to the max. So you harping on money for his child will not sit well with him.

 

As for having a date night, yes you should ask. Not in a resentful, you are spending too much time being a dad kind of way, but in a nice I'd like to keep our romance flourishing manner. That part is important for every couple, child or no child.

 

I guess what concerns me is that you sound highly resentful of his child and that's not healthy or good.[/quote

 

I am not resentful in fact I have spent time alone with his child and have watched his child just so he could spend extra time with the child on work days. My problem is not the child its "us time" that I need and I worry when we move we will not have much of it. The reason I worry about the money is because we are planning a family of our own.

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If and when you have a child, he can revisit the child support issue by petitioning the court. The fact of the matter is that he will owe support until a

minimum of the child turning 18, and possibly putting money towards college as well.

 

However, without petitioning the court --- no changes can or will occur.

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I think 3 hours a night is great. That's enough time to snuggle and watch a movie or go out to dinner. Having an occasional weekend get away w/ the just the two of you would be appropriate, too. I think it's important that he be active and available to his child. As far as child support goes, if you aren't sharing finances then it's really not your business. I'd only bring that up if you're footing most of the bills because he can't contribute due to his child support, otherwise I wouldn't say anything about it.

 

thank you jjkk you were the nicest here. As far as finances we are sharing. We are planning a life together and children of our own. If he was fly by night then it wouldn't bother me.

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I think 3 hours a night is great. That's enough time to snuggle and watch a movie or go out to dinner. Having an occasional weekend get away w/ the just the two of you would be appropriate, too. I think it's important that he be active and available to his child. As far as child support goes, if you aren't sharing finances then it's really not your business. I'd only bring that up if you're footing most of the bills because he can't contribute due to his child support, otherwise I wouldn't say anything about it.

 

thank you jjkk I like that you were nice about this. as far as the money we are planning a family and living together and splitting the bills so it is concern.

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I owe you no more explanations I came on here for a little advise not to reemed.

 

I didn't say you owed --- you used the term "above and beyond" --- and it turns out that means watiching the child/spending alone time with child.

 

Your tone seems very defensive. Dating someone who has shared custody is not for everyone. Not only are there children, but your partner has a long term

connection to his ex. It indeed makes for a blended relationship.

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I am not resentful in fact I have spent time alone with his child and have watched his child just so he could spend extra time with the child on work days. My problem is not the child its "us time" that I need and I worry when we move we will not have much of it. The reason I worry about the money is because we are planning a family of our own.

 

You know, with kids, "us" time is something you can more or less kiss goodbye as a practical matter. Especially when they are young and if you don't have much family support nearby. However, figuring out a date night, or maybe once a month special outing in addition to date night shouldn't be a problem and something you should suggest and talk about at least for the time being.

 

As it comes to having money for your own family, it's something to discuss in terms of budgeting. What can be done, what can be adjusted and how. Ask him how he sees it working out financially and what might be some solutions. Don't just tell him to fight child support. Besides, as another poster pointed out, in many areas child support amount is a cold calculation by a court. It's not an option. So you need to learn more about that in general. It may be an issue that curbs your finances no matter what and you'll just have to live with it and deal with it.

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If and when you have a child, he can revisit the child support issue by petitioning the court. The fact of the matter is that he will owe support until a

minimum of the child turning 18, and possibly putting money towards college as well.

 

However, without petitioning the court --- no changes can or will occur.

 

We are persuing children of our own and we will be sharing financial responsiblity so yes it a concern. I am not moving into his house and getting a free ride. I never tell him not to pay her but when and if we have ours something will need to be done.

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We are persuing children of our own and we will be sharing financial responsiblity so yes it a concern. I am not moving into his house and getting a free ride. I never tell him not to pay her but when and if we have ours something will need to be done.

 

Most states have the child support calculation formula openly available online to the public. You can Google "child support formula" for your state and it will come up. You can then plug in the numbers and see for yourself what his obligation will be approximately even if you have a child together. On top of that, you really need to discuss money, budgets, etc. before going any further. That's regardless of child support.

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Yes. I hate to say but it alone time or me time is VERY seldom when you have kids.That is just a fact. You can not change his court mandated payments. When the court makes decisions into account they don't take into consideration what the new partner has to do or not do. He has a duty to this child before he has a duty to anyone else. Him wanting to spend more time with his child as his child grows up is completely natural. That is his flesh and blood and I am sure you would ask for nothing less than that for your own child when you have them, This child has to be equal to children you will have together.

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I didn't say you owed --- you used the term "above and beyond" --- and it turns out that means watiching the child/spending alone time with child.

 

Your tone seems very defensive. Dating someone who has shared custody is not for everyone. Not only are there children, but your partner has a long term

connection to his ex. It indeed makes for a blended relationship.

 

I get defensive because I have done so much to try and bond with his child and have had hour long conversations with his ex just to make things easier. He tells me all the time how much he appreciates all the effort I put in and not only that he has told me many times that he is lucky to have me. Not many people that are on the other side see how hard it can be. I knew going in when you date someone with a child you date the child when you marry someone with a child you marry the child in so many words but when people say I am selfish just because I want a few extra hours with my bf yes I get upset. I'm not trying to prove anything but thats why I am getting defensive.

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It is YOUR issue with the fact of having a 'longer' drive. Not his.

 

There are certain things you can/should discuss and other things a no-no. Nothing regarding his child/support etc and your business or when/how often he see's his child...

You can 'ask' about the possibility of being able to see him a bit more & jus 'run the idea by' about staying in together & alone for some 'couple time'... But it may not be able, at this time for him- so be ready to accept.

 

Yes, he may lose you, but for reasons where YOU aren't happy with HIS decisions at this time in his life. These could end up becoming major issues for you- but he does still have his priorities and responsibilities.

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It should be a concern. Whether something CAN be done is up to the courts. And it costs money to file and try and change them.

 

I am confused. You are not moving in with him? Or you contribute now to the household expenses?

 

We live together now just somewhere else. We are moving somewhere else together and yes we share household expenses now and future.

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When you have kids, they become the priority. Not your partner, even future partners. That's just how it is. Does it suck? Yeah I think it does and that's why I don't have kids and will not date men who have children, particularly young ones.

 

You aren't going to win this fight.

 

If you want a whole partner and someone to make you a priority, don't date a man with a kid. That's the key.

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I am glad he sees/appreciates your efforts.

However, the way you phrased your first post ---- looking for "trading time" w/ the child --- the few extra hours come from somewhere. And you sleep with/wake

up with your bf every night (or will with his new schedule)

 

I think having date nites when you can is a great idea.

 

I think thinging he "owes" you for being supportive and understanding is a bit much --- you knew he had a child when you started dating. You said you did research

on the subject --- but the only data you want to believe is that the father makes time for the SO because one day the kids will be gone. That is true ---

but it sounds like this is a very young child...whose father doesn't live with them anymore.

 

And while he loves you --- his priority is securing/maintaining a bond with his child. His behavior is commendable.

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