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Extremely complicated situation with girlfriend. Please help.


innedofadvice

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OK this is going to be a long one so bare with me.

 

3 months ago this girl started working at my job with me. We flirted all the time but she is 23 and I am 18 so I never thought she would like me. I find out that she also has a one year old kid and a boyfriend. She hates her boyfriend and he comes into work and calls her names and such (if this says anything about him) One day we go a a park after work with another girl and her "boyfriend". The girl leaves and we are alone in my car. She stares into my eyes for a bit and pulls me in and we start making out. She starts crying after about a minute and says I shouldn't be doing this but I really like you (I feel the same way). She explains that she has liked me ever since she first saw me about a month earlier. Before this time we had only texted silly pictures to each other and talked at work. The next day we start texting all day and talking on the phone late at night. We hangout every time after work and started to do sexual activities. About a month later she broke up with her boyfriend. It was a horrible breakup, he called the cops for trespassing and took the car she had because it was in his name. We hung out even more now that she has more freedom.

 

She also starts talking to an attorney about her son because they have to have custody papers. We still hangout 3-4 times a week and text all the time. So heres where im having a problem. About 2 weeks ago her parents found out that I was still in high school (she moved back in with her parents because her boyfriend kicked her out). They where very mad and said that they don't want anything getting in the way of her getting custody of her kid. Ever since then things haven't been the same(at this point we say I love you, because i truly do love everything about her and could see myself being with her the rest of my life). So last week she would text me hours after I text her and she gives me the shortest responses possible. I start getting worried and I go in and talk to her during work (we no longer work together because she now works mornings because the judge said that's what she had to do if she wants full custody of her child). We have 2 times to hangout planned out and she blows me off for both. She says she still really likes me but she needs more alone time, and more time to spend with her child. She also never says goodnight or I love you anymore.

 

Heres where i'm having problems. She only gets her kid until 3pm, but she works until 1. I get off school at 3pm. So all night she hardly ever texts me and sometimes I have to text her multiple times to get her to respond. She easily gets mad now and she says its because she is arguing with her ex-bf, parents, and me at the same time. Just a few days ago she said she needs more space then usual for a while. She also said "I love talking to you, promise but I cant be strapped down for a bit OK?

 

Sample of our most recent conversations:

Me: Do you want our relationship to be over?

Her: Just give me time

 

Me: I still think we need to hangout once or twice a week

Her: OK but it might not be for a while.

Me: Why whats going on? And how long is a whole?

Her: "Me" time?

A little later she says "I really like you BUT I cant spend all my free time with you. I dont get that much.

 

2 Days ago we finally made plans to hangout on Wednesday and she actually said she had nothing to do so hopefully that works. But here is where i'm the most confused. She starts talking how she isn't doing much at night except watching T.V., I say

Me: So now that you have more time can we talk like we used to?

Her: Ehh I still want to concentrate on my son more.

Me: I know but I miss what we had. You hardly ever text me and when you do its as little words as possible, no emotion and sometimes you will stop mid conversation and not reply for hours. You haven't told me anything that's going on in your life and have not said goodnight or anything this whole week.

Her: Sorry, you either need to accept it or leave me because im too stressed to be worrying about you right now. I know that sounds ty but i'm way too overwhelmed right now. I arguing with my ex, you, my parents, and my ex's attorney. I'm done caring.

Me: Do you want me to leave? Because I don't want to?

Her: I'm just not going to sugar coat it. Just know that im not trying to be mean its just I need to get my life back in order.

Me: I understand and I want to stay with you I just want to know that's what you want?

Her: I dont know what I want right now that's why I need you to be patient with me.

Me: Ok well ill stay and ill back off some just please don't forget about me.

Her: I will never.

Me: So where still on for Wednesday?

NO REPLY

 

I talked to her again and we are on for Wednesday and I hope to talk to her then. Sorry for the wall of text I just really want some help with this one, and I cant talk to many people in my real life because where trying to keep it a secret, my best friend knows and my parents know but that's it. I really like her and I know shes not cheating on me but I want your opinions on what I should do. I'm thinking that things might go back to normal after she gets custody of her kid (which is probably in a month). Do you guys think she really still wants to be with me and what should I do? I just don't know what will happen after that because I still have to go to college and she has already completed school. Any opinions at all would be much appreciated. Thanks everyone.

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Here's the deal, you need to listen to her and really hear her. She's being completey upfront and honest with you: she does need time and she does need to get the whole custody issue done and over with before she can have anything with you. She's dealing with getting free of an abusive partner, of getting custody of their child, of having her parents freak out over that and then over you. The blunt fact of the matter is if you aren't 18 and she is, then both of you are skating on legal thin ice. Regardless of whether or not anything sexual happens, regardless of whether it's fair or not, regardless of "but we're in loves" the fact is that can be used against her in court. That abusive former partner, remember? He and his attorney are quite possibly going to be all over that whether anything goes on or not and the courts might very well side with him then on custody if they can persuade a judge that something unseemly is going on. Meaning her child now goes with an ex who is at least emotionally and verbally abusive. And yes he and his attorney can lie in court and make things look so much worse than they really are. This is a guy who you've already seen be hateful to her remember? Those types of people don't play fair, they don't play by the rules, and what's worse sometimes they do get away with it. If you don't think that doesn't happen every day in courts all over America then you need to wake up and look around you, because I can tell you it goes on all the time.

 

I know none of this is fair and I personally think she should not have engaged you at all in her life beyond a simple hi in the office. She probably feels that way now too. I do believe she likes you, but you are going to have to be a man now, a real man, and stop being selfish about what you want. If you really love her then you should be able to see the sense in this and to back off and let the woman have the space she is asking for. You trying to insert yourself into the picture right now is just not helping. You need to back off, calm down and tell her not contact you after she's handled the custody issue. And then you mean it: no calls, no texts, nothing beyond hello and goodbye at work. Period. Nothing on social media either.

 

Please understand I'm not finding fault with you or her, I think she was very vulnerable and you are smitten too and the two of you sort of jumped off the proverbial cliff before either of you thought this out. Now however reality is sinking in, at least for her and she's realizing that right or wrong you may just be what sinks her chance at custody. She's trying to reason with you and instead of hearing her and coming from a place of real love where you understand what's going on you keep chasing after her wanting to push the whole thing forward. And that may well not happen, particulary if you sink her chances of custody at which point she'll likely never want to speak to you again. So you have to be a man nowand let her get through ending the relationship with the ex and getting custody of her child. Give her time to deal with those issues, you stay out of it completely, and after all is said and done if you're both still interested and she is free and clear THEN you can move forward with a relationship being mindful of the legalities that come with a minor dating someone who's a legal adult.

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Sorry- does not sounds so good- you're taking many chances....

She's dealing with a rough b/f.. now, being an ex.

At that point, she'll be wanting to get involved with you? This could make YOU a 'rebound'. As she's not dealing with her issues & break up and all..running into another one way too fast! She'll be quite 'unstable'

 

Another thing.. she's a 'co-worker'? This is also very risky, as you two work together and ANY hardship that occurs, will then come between you two- at the workplace!.

 

Another thing.. It's only been a month? Whoaaa.. slow EVERYTHING down! SHE has turned to you to be her 'emotional pillow'. Easy does it... things may be really strong right now- but can change in an instant.

 

You have to back-off. Don't text her over & over. YOU need to understand her 'battles' at the moment. She's under a lot of stress. Recent break up, custody battles w/ex. etc.

She does not need YOU in her face now too, as she mentioned....respect her & don't have her think you are so 'needy'.

 

This will work out- or it won't. You cannot 'make' anyone stay with or love you.

Deal with yourself and your own life at this time...sounds like what she 'needs' is what she said.. "HER TIME".

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Okay, good that you're 18. Whew. But yes, just give her space to get through the legal issues. I've seen custody battles before and they are a b****. Thank heavens my ex-husband was sane is all I can say. Good luck and keep a calm clear eye on the future and just be there for when she's through all of the storm.

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This is a lot of drama for a relationship with an expiration date. I don't see this going the distance. You are at different places in life.

 

Do you see yourself marrying her and being a stepdad to her son? You're 18 and just starting out. That's why her parents freaked out. They're questioning her judgment and priorities knowing their daughter has a nasty custody battle going on. And as ParisPaulette pointed out, her abusive Ex can use the fact that she's hooking up with a high school student against her in court.

 

It won't be like it was. Even after the custody case is concluded, you won't be able to recreate the honeymoon phase. How much do you two have in common outside of working at the same store and initial lust? She's going to be living with her parents and working to support her son with minimal financial support from his dad. Is college in your future?

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Ok she has a child and the child will always be first no matter how hard you try to pine for her attention and affection. I think you need to back off for a variety of reasons. One, you are too needy and that doesn't bode well with a woman that has a child. Secondly you are just a kid yourself, you really don't need to be hooked up with someone that has some very big grown up problems.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I wanted to update everyone that helped me through this.

I finally got a chance to talk to her in person and she said that we cant be anything anymore. It was really hard for me to hear because just a week or two prier we had a great relationship, and to be honest I cried for about 30 seconds. For the first 2 days I couldn't stand to see her or her car. Now its gotten better. I still think about her sometimes and miss what we had but I know its time to move on. We have had a few short conversations at work but I try to avoid her. She says she still wants to be friends though. Thanks to everyone who replied to this thread!

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