Jump to content

how to remain strong and in NC?


Recommended Posts

So, I am a 25-year-old woman who has recently been dumped by her 32-year-old girlfriend. We had a nine month relationship with the first six months being the best of my life. I had never been happier. Then, in summer, all of a sudden she started acting different towards me. She started spending more and more time with her friends (hanging there like, 3 or 4 times a week) and she started stressing how important her friends were to her. Suddenly she wanted to do stuff with friends, alone. While I normally would not have a problem with that I found it a little disturbing that she was the one deciding whether or not 'I could come along for hanging with her friends'. (Whereas before, she would stress the importance of me coming with her and becoming close with her friends.) She dropped the first bomb saying 'I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore'. I was devastated, but after a little begging got my act together and started acting like it was fine and I didn't need her. That caused her to come back to me a few weeks later. In september however, the whole drama repeated itself. We had a fight about her being with her friends all the time and not making any time for us as a couple, and again she dropped the bomb saying she had doubts about us again. I was crushed AGAIN and started doing all things I did the last time only to find out they didn't work. i tried being the bigger person, giving her space, being nice and polite, I drove to her place (which is an hour-drive) like 10 times to talk. I stated I didn't want to be friends and pulled back but when I did, she pursued me. Texting me these stupid things that have nothing to do with the relationship, somehow forcing a form of friendship. After two months of waiting, I caved completely, begging her to not leave me. I was hysterical for days. On top of that, I had to have a pet put to sleep because it was sick and soon I will have to do that again, with another pet. Today is my ex' birthday and I find it very hard not to send a text or call her. Any advice for me? Thanks for reading.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The advice is probably what you are going to hear a lot which is don't contact her, try to move on and concentrate on yourself. Much easier said than done but in a nutshell that is what you would need to do to feel better.

 

It seems like you have already entered a cycle of breaking up and getting back together. And in my experience that cycle is brutal. The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave. So try not to message her. Seems like she comes back and leaves whenever she pleases which is not fair to you. It is going to be difficult for the upcoming days but use this forum to get your frustrations out and get some support. Good luck

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The advice is probably what you are going to hear a lot which is don't contact her, try to move on and concentrate on yourself. Much easier said than done but in a nutshell that is what you would need to do to feel better.

 

It seems like you have already entered a cycle of breaking up and getting back together. And in my experience that cycle is brutal. The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave. So try not to message her. Seems like she comes back and leaves whenever she pleases which is not fair to you. It is going to be difficult for the upcoming days but use this forum to get your frustrations out and get some support. Good luck

 

I have to agree. That cycle is just brutal. And even where you are, having contact without having her, it's like ripping off a bandaid and subbing salt in your wounds. It's flaunting what you DON'T have - and it hurts. More importantly - it's completely preventing you from starting any healing process as you get rebooted to the beginning every time it happens.

 

Step away. Find some friends, family, or acquaintances to plan something with, even something trivial. Get out of the house for a walk daily, no matter how much of a drag it is. Give yourself easy daily goals to meet so you're always giving yourself a bit of a boost. Pay extra attention to taking vitamins and eating healthy - getting rundown from not caring from yourself throws down a big welcome mat to depression. Rearrange anything that remotely reminds you of her and what you shared - take down photos, disable facebook, delete her ringtone in your contacts. Trim hair, pay attention to your appearance, do anything that makes you feel a bit more you. And if there are things she didn't like (food, tv shows, books) that you put aside for her - now's the time to enjoy them.

 

And post in the thread: whenever you feel the urge to contact her, or when there are things on your mind you "wish you'd said." Sometimes just unloading it helps. Sometimes reading what other people are saying is a distraction and helps.

 

Be good to yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I JUST went through the "should I wish her happy birthday?" thing last week, and it's a horrible day. In the end I managed not to send that text, in large part due to the support here.

 

What have I been doing to keep this up? Pooling my friends together, keeping busy, and being here! I've found that, when I feel weak, I can come here and either post my feelings asking for help or post to someone else in need. Being there for others is just as good for healing as having them there for you, in my mind.

 

I hope that, if you're truly ready to break the cycle, you'll remain strong. It feels like a cruel act to ignore the birthday message, but it really isn't - you're standing firm that you're taking care of yourself and sending a message to back off. At least that's how I'd view it.

 

I wish you the best of luck and am sorry that we're "in this boat."

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stay strong! You can make it through the day w/out texting her. Find some people to hang out w/ today, find an activity to do to help distract you and pass the time (read a good book, go see a movie, coffee shop, shopping, video games, talking on phone to friends you haven't spoken to in awhile, etc.) Just figure out how to stay busy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone reading this and replying. I forgot to mention that last week I crashed completely, couldn't work and am now taking antidepressants to get through each day without having thoughts about death. I know this is pretty heavy, but while I was in this relationship with this woman I spent all my energy and love in her and her friends which now backfires on me, as my own friends don't have time for me. I even spent a whole weekend just trying to contact anybody to get to talk to me, as I was very much preoccupied with thoughts about suicide. Not to be worried though, now that I'm taking the 'happy pills' I'm no longer thinking that way. But I still feel horrible. Also, I'm very hurt by the fact she put me on standby for two months and then dumps me when I have to give up two of my pets (cats). I'm so mad at her for doing this to me and I don't understand why she does it. I never once cheated on her, or even talked to other women during our relationship. I was never needy and gave her all the space she needed to clear her head until I became depressed like two weeks ago. And then she dumps me. How cruel is that??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of I must say, what a great site this is for giving really good advice, and more than likely being the one who was let go out of the relationship.. You will be ignoring that advice, and looking for that "loop hole" or a way back in, you may be even thinking "If I remain in No contact, then she might get in touch and we might get back together" Its natural, its desperation that you never thought you had in you more than likely and its something I shared too at one point.. The relationship I was in was 8 months long, I was totally devastated when she finished with me.. I got a similar behaviour from her at the time.. that she wanted to spend time with friends etc.. Its the vagueness of why the relationship ended, you tend to question things, and you put the blame on yourself and it gets worse and worse and worse.. You have good days where your focus is elsewhere, you start to feel good.. then you get a text or you meet unexpectedly.. and then boom.. your in tailspin your back at square one.

 

So that's the crap bit of this message to you.. this is the good bit.. one day you will look back and realise, that when you were at the bottom it sucked big time, any advice you were given.. you tended to ignore.. You will think If I took the advice that was dished out to move on with your life.. then much earlier you would have found yourself happy again. From the sounds of it you have bottomed out , and there is only one direction now for you and that's up and at the start of this journey to recovery, you will have dips and you will have small climbs.. but you will never be at the bottom again.. and yeah it sucks the journey back, it has no real merit at the time to doing it.. at least it doesn't feel like it does.. But you are not doing this for her or anyone else.. only you.

 

So what do you do? I hated No contact, it felt like I was using it as a ploy to get back with her... Don't even worry about that.. you now must tell yourself one thing, " that piece of my life is over, its time to pick myself up, move on and live with that piece missing as you don't need it" Its only when you start to move on that one day you find that shiny new piece of your life.. that makes the last piece to look quite shabby in comparison. So anyway back to NC, stick with it.. more than likely she will start fishing at some point, wondering why you are not calling/txting.. Just reply "I feel its best for myself, that we don't talk any more, I would appreciate that you respect that" If she responds asking questions just reiterate the previous message don't get sucked into conversation... The only reason they are contacting you, is because its easier for them to let a previous relationship fade away until they find someone else/move on etc.. its a strange way to deal with guilt I guess. yet at the same time its so damaging.

 

Go out with friends, learn to have fun again, it comes back so naturally.. draw from your past, just don't let it draw from you... just keep climbing... If possible could you get a new kitten, something to focus your energy on?

 

I know the irony of me typing a message about going no contact and moving on and not to ignore the advice you read.. Three years ago, I ignored that advice about moving on, I stumbled and I slowly climbed, up, up, down, up and now I'm here, at the top and I'm still on the journey just going forwards now, holding hands with that shiny new piece that completes me for over two years now.. and that old piece of me.. yeah I see her (forced to, we work at the same company).. she is a dull, horrible piece.. Who if I knew what I knew now, I would realise that piece never fit.

 

the short answer could be.. NC - have fun with friends - buy kitten - watch action films! - Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The first few weeks were the hardest for me. I absolutely could NOT do it and that just pushed her away. So I took steps to make sure I couldn't.

 

Got rid of my phone, unplugged my computer and gave it to a friend for safekeeping, basically I took away the ability for me to even contact her. It worked.

 

Now I have my computer back, I have a new phone with her number saved in it as DON'T CONTACT, and I haven't.....it's been seven weeks today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...