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I don't know what to do next.. please help me


mia74

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Hi all..If you have read my post you know I got upset over my lack of advancement in my relationship and have been slightly in limbo wondering what happened after my boyfriend and I had a argument. I have spoken to him (me initiating contact) over the last couple weeks via email and then calling. My first email I told him I loved him and I was sorry for my part of things since I talked about us breaking up while during my monthly. I then called him and we talked calmly but no advancement towards anything. Waited a week and then sent another email telling him I just wanted him happy. He seemed to take it wrong and his reply said he loved me but didnt say much more but it seemed he had alot of anger. He has always seemed to have some slight commitment issues and that is what made me blow up. I have dated him long distance and we have been thru alot together. I think deep down I wanted more. I wanted him to offer a ring or the talk of a ring. We used to discuss it all the time. We were doing so good this past year and I have seen him really trying with me. When I called on Thanksgiving he answered and I discussed the last email with him and why he misunderstood what I meant. I asked him how I could get him to understand me. He said "next time we talk you can think before you say something." So, from that I was thinking we would be talking again. Then, before we hung up he told me "Take care". Its like I felt there was hope he was going to call and then he said the "take care" part and that sounds like he isnt. Our talks are good and I guess I feel bad cause I know I dont want us not together but I dont know what to do. I feel I had every right to blow up once in a while. I deep down wanted more after so many years of us doing nothing and moving forward.I love this man so much. I kept all that frustration inside and finally when My monthly rolled around I just got the verbal spillage out of my mouth of all that suppressed feelings.

Here I am and havent heard anything. I feel I always chase him to get him. When we started it was him chasing me. We broke up before and I sent him a letter and we got back together. He throws that in my face alot. SO, what do I do? Do I keep pushing to be with him or just let it go? I feel mixed feelings because I dont want to lose him forever but I feel I have done so much apologize and he still isnt reaching out to me. I dont even know for sure we were broken up. I know he still loves me cause he said so in his email. What is the best approach for this? I partly feel I should back off but part of me is scared that isnt best in this situation. please help guys. I know others can offer a outside look at it.

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It seems you have made it perfectly clear to him that you feel the relationship isn't advancing as much as you think it should have by this time and he hasn't reciprocated or agreed. He is still willing to talk to you, but not about what you really want to talk about. You cannot push yourself on him. You cannot make him feel something he does not or do something he doesn't want to do. I think, at this time, leave him be. He knows how you feel and now it is up to him to either act on it or walk away.

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It seems you have made it perfectly clear to him that you feel the relationship isn't advancing as much as you think it should have by this time and he hasn't reciprocated or agreed. He is still willing to talk to you, but not about what you really want to talk about. You cannot push yourself on him. You cannot make him feel something he does not or do something he doesn't want to do. I think, at this time, leave him be. He knows how you feel and now it is up to him to either act on it or walk away.

 

Thank you.. I just hurt when I think about not contacting him. Not hearing his voice. Im scared he will move on without me and what bugs me most is I know if I was standing in front of him he wouldnt be able to walk away. He can do what he is doing only because of the distance and not seeing me. Almost his way of avoiding dealing with it. I know I feel I should leave him be. I know eventually this would have come up anyway. But it hurts and I love him. I know what he feels for me. He told me how much he loved me by looking in my eyes and telling me not even two weeks before all this. My chest hurts when I think about this. But, I want him there IF he wants to be....not because I push.

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I think you are taking things too literally.i think he is playing a game with you. You chase and he gets to play coy. I would let it be for awhile. Take time to listen to your inner voice. Sometimes our emotions cloud us, we quickly analyze a situation and act, which leads to repercussions...... And more actions. When we really need to listen to ourselves. Breathe, let it be for now. One day at a time. If you give yourself some space and time the answers will come to you.

 

Our relationships are built over time and are based on what we accept. At some point, you gave up your power to him, which he throws in your face. Is that the kind of man you want? Now granted that's just one thing. Only you know if he being manipulative. I was at dinner alone with an ex once and he said "f u" in a response to an innocent comment. And granted a friend and I might talk to each other that way as a joke, but I don't want my partner to talk to me so crass. So I said-- don't talk to me that way. And he didn't again. We set the boundaries in our lives.

 

If he is not giving you what you need and talks to you like a child saying next time you'll think, that's not communicating or respect. Why are you pushing him to marry you? How will you feel if you do marry him and he says to down the road-- you begged me to marry you.

 

You want someone that wants you. So you need to think about what you want and what you are willing to accept. Don't be so desperate. You need a man that appreciates and cherishes you.

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You have admitted that you initiate contact all of the time, give him a chance to chase you. Don't make yourself so readily available to him.

I know you yearn for him and just want to hear his voice and that is why you initiate contact, we have all done that at one time. But by doing that you are coming accross as desperate (and even though you might be, there's no reason to advertise it to him), and it is pushing him farther and farther away.

When thoughts of him become overwhelming get into busy mode. Do anything you can to take your mind off of him. Take a walk, work out, yoga is great, talk to friends, post here. Once you take the initiative to start building your backbone it will become easier not to give into the desire to phone or text him.

Throwing yourself at him won't prove to him how much you love him it will only prove to him that you are available to him no matter what and no matter how much he has hurt you.

I think now is the time to gather up what self respect you have left, stand your ground that you want more from him than what he has been giving, and be prepared to move on if he doesn't agree to take the relationship to the next level.

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People have basically said my thoughts, but I will say this. How do you take "I just want you to be happy" the wrong way.

"Think before you say something"? What?

I can't judge since I don't know him but those that seems like a pretty ish thing to say to someone. It's true, he talked to you as a child, less than a child even.

Set boundaries and expectations, if he cannot follow them and expects nothing from you then you know he is playing games.

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I appreciate the replies I have received. Sometimes when you are the one dealing with your situation you dont really know what is best and let your heart take over. I guess in some ways I am scared he will move on without me but deep down I tell myself if he does then he really isnt the one for me. I am looking for something stronger then that. I guess to be honest what I feel is the guilt for bringing up us "breaking up" in the first place. It just pushed everything to start. We have done the long distance thing and in order for me to up and move, I have wanted more of a commitment then just being the girl that gives up things to be a live in girlfriend. I wish I could take back bringing up us breaking up but my monthly always makes me say things without thinking. I just have so much frustration and deep down I wanted us to eventually take our relationship further. At least a engagement would give me a bit more security to move. Bigger city with more jobs in his location versus smaller city where I live. But, I have sent a couple emails and called him so I have apologized for my part. Im just more and more frustrated. This past year he has really showed me how much he loves me time and time again. Now, he doesnt pick up a phone. Its been over a week since I made the the move of calling him. I decided I cant keep pushing it because he needs to contact me IF he loves me like he should. He should feel me letting go so IF he was to see he cant live without me that would be my answer. I know I have to let go to know. To see. I am trying to move on either way. I am trying to focus on my life but this really is hard. I do wish he would call or reach out. With me, when people ignore me It shows that rejection factor and I will eventually pull away myself. (self-protecting mechanism). Just sad today....its cold out.... i miss him..i just want to do whats best. Deep down I know what this man has said to me. How he held me and looked me in my eyes deeply and told me how happy i make him. How much we have shared. Now I know I must leave him be at least for awhile to let him figure out what I mean to him. This is so hard.

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You broke up with him, and you mentioned all the great things he said and did for you. You broke that, and like my post before, you need to fix it. Dont read into these "take care" comments. From the sounds of it, he's left the door open as he does respond to you and answer your calls. So it sounds to me as though he's waiting for you to make the next move, and frankly I can empathize with that.

 

But with him being the dumpee, the ball is really in your court to prove that you mean it when you say you want him back. Strategy or not, NC is something a dumpee does not a dumper. If you dont keep in contact, this will likely be the end. Dont smother him with 100 calls a day, but contact him every few days, and try to make up for what you did. You're just passively making attempts to contact him and are expecting him to start chasing you as a dumpee, it doesnt work that way. You need fix this by creating great moments between you two, the onus lies on you now.

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Yes, I mentioned us breaking up but we talked for a week after that and I told him I didnt really want this and that when he mentioned us actually breaking up I made it clear I didnt want it. Thats where my confusion is. He said he was actually thinking about the same(us breaking up) when I brought it up. Thats why I dont know what to do. I want more.. a commitment. I keep pushing for more. Im scared I am pushing him away. I dont even know what he really wants deep down. I want to ask him but what if he is still mad. If so, wont calling and asking get me a anger answer?

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I dont think either one of us actually broke up. I mentioned we needed to do something because it wasnt going anywhere. he agreed that he was thinking the same. we talked and then a week later he started being rude. I have sent him two emails and called him twice. the last call was okay. I still dont know whats going on but he hasnt reached out to me. Thats where the confusion sets in.

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ah ok ok, sorry my misunderstanding, I got you confused with another poster. Yeah give it some space, take at least a 30 day break from him, then reassess. you've done all you can do. your efforts will only push him further away.

 

Focus on yourself in the meantime.

 

That being said, time i got out for a jog!

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