Getting past arguments, and convincing her to come back.

[jamie123]

I've been with my partner just short of 6 months, and 90% of the time is all is well, we had plans of moving in together over the next year etc, however there are low times, her mood is very up and down, and she can be very irrational and hyper sensitive to simple things which has caused friction between us on a fairly regular basis, it seems to come and go in batches. It's also worth mentioning that she suffers with depression and anxiety (currently un-medicated). We've had 'big' arguments twice before the first time took a few days to get back on track, the 2nd time maybe a week. However we had an argument about 9 days ago, it was maybe not as big as before, but she has been struggling with her depression and obviously this hasn't helped.

 

The subject of the argument is kind of irrelevant now, and we both agree that. The problem is what happens when we argue.

She's more the have a few cross words and then wants me out of her way type. Where as I shout and say hurtful things when things get really heated, then walk out and instantly regret what I said. Now I've apologised numerous times for the things I said and I know this doesn't excuse what I said.

 

However she seems to be having a tough time getting over it, or even giving me the chance to make it up to her. She says she can't believe that I could say those things to her considering I'm supposed to love her, she also seems oblivious to the fact that she said some things too... I have since our 2nd big argument decided to seek Cognitive behavioural therapy for Anger, and learning how to walk away from situations that make me want to blow up like this, however I've only been to 2 sessions since then, and it hasn't really had much time to help me.

 

There has been contact between us mostly by text message, Initially it was very negative, she said that I bring her down and always make her feel rubbish (this isn't true as she craves my company when things are well with us), then for several days it was about how she couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore, and she actually said she feared being in a relationship with me encase something like this happens again... There was a couple of days with minimal communication, and today we spoke on the phone regarding something else and i asked her if we could get on and sort things out, she said ok, and she needed some time to get her head right because along with the depression it has really knocked her for 6... later I got a text saying she didn't say yes and she needs to get her head straight.

 

I just want a bit of clarity from her about were I stand regarding the relationship, my fear is that it's over, but the uncertainty of it all is really getting to me, I seem to be in an almost constant state of feeling Lonely, Hopeless and Scared of loosing her/being on my own to the point that I feel exhausted and can't concentrate.

 

I need to know how to talk to her with regards her not wanting to say yes or no to our relationship, and wanting space.

Does anyone have some insightful words for me?

[savignon]

Be sure not to come off as desperate or clingy/needy/ will die without her. For a little less than 6 month relationship it seems a little dramatic. She might not enjoy that and if she does end it the only thing you can do is take it well and not breakdown. Wish her well and don't let her see you sweat it.

[Fushigidane]

She needs to get help for her depression and anxiety. You might be able to understand that the things she said were in anger, but when you have depression those things hit you harder. You might start to feel they are true.

[jamie123]

Thanks for the advice , I think i may have come accross a bit desperate at first but I think I've managed to calm that now.

 

She has now arranged to see a therapist for the depression and anxiety, there is also talk of medication, My worry is she'll still blame me for her feeling like this.

[Ms Darcy]

Is this your first relationship? The first six months are best for assessing if this person is right for you. This suggests you are not right for each other.

[jamie123]

This is only my 2nd relationship of any significance, ive been single for maybe 5 years inbetween. (im 26 and shes 29, just for reference)

 

I thought we were fairly compatible, but maybe not

 

Today she told me she doesnt want to make a decision about us until she feels better in herself and that if she did say yes now she feels it would lead to more arguments