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Things have slowed down... almost stopped


MisterEleven

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Hey Everyone I read this forum a lot but I've only just registered. Thank you for reading and sharing any thoughts on my situation.

 

I was a late bloomer in life. I didn't have a serious sexual relationship until I was 23. I had massive confidence issues, I wasn't comfortable around girls for a long time. I used to suffer with an anxiety problem which caused me to go bright red when I talked to girls I liked. It was horrible and really held me back around girls. I never let it hold me back in other aspects of my life. I've always worked, travelled and generally I've always been a happy go lucky guy. Growing up around early 20's I'd spend a lot of time with my friends who were quite similar we used to play video games and go the cinema but never really socialised with girls. They started to meet girls though work / university and I soon found myself feeling a little left out.

 

I've always been a realist with problems and usually look at it logically. Me being single was no different. I realised I needed to "attract" woman so I started working out. I cycled 14 miles three or four times a week. I lost weight, toned up. Got a new wardrobe and many of my friends told me I looked better and as a result of taking more care with myself girls started talking to me more. I soon realised that "there was nothing wrong with me"

 

A friend of mine was a photographer and worked with a lot of woman he invited me on photo shoots to help out with lighting etc, I thought this would be good for my confidence as I faced my fears head on. It really did help, soon after I started helping and working with woman more I stopped noticing my anxiety problems and was able to talk and felt much better around girls.

 

One shoot we were working with a model and she was pretty chatty and kept smiling at me though the day. She asked my friend if I was single or not and he told her I was single. Later that day we exchanged numbers and started texting. I was really excited, imagine going from no girl friend and never really thinking that girls would find you attractive to having a beautiful girl asking you out. I was in shock! I never in a million years thought I would ever date as girl who was as beautiful as her. I absolutely loved everything about the way we would text and meet up. She lived about 70 miles way from me so we used to meet a couple of times a week mostly at the weekends. Everything was new to me, from holding hands, hugging and kissing, sex the whole thing. I loved everything though about the way things started out.

 

Anyway, After a few months of dating it was around christmas and we had decided to spend a few nights in the city. It was our first night together and I was pretty sure it was going to be the first time we slept together. We had a really good day and that night went back to our hotel. I was very nervous about everything. It wasn't my first time having sex but it was my first time having sex with a girl that looked as good as her. It was fairly awkward and lead to a very honest chat the morning after. Where I told her that I'd not really had loads of experiences she was pretty cool about it and basically said she was glad it wasn't her and we pretty much just put it past us.

 

After maybe 6 months of both of us travelling and living with my parents we realised we needed more space. I was uncomfortable about having sex in my parents home. They are not very old fashioned but I just feel like it's their home and I didn't want any awkward feelings. So I basically decided I was at a time in my life where I needed to move out. We both decided to rent an apartment and she moved down to live with me. At this point we had been together for about 1 year. A lot of people warned me that it was too soon to move in with her and warned me off doing it, but I couldn't listen to them. I wanted to share my life with her and she made a commitment to me by moving to live near me away from her friends and family. It was great having the freedom of living together. Our relationship was able to mature in a more natural way, rather than being constricted to my parents home.

 

During the first year of our relationship I was totally spoilt with sex, I'd get text messages saying things like "I want to wear something sexy for you tonight what outfit would you like me to wear while I'm sucking your ......" I honestly couldn't believe how lucky I was, we had a great sex life. We used to openly talk about our fetishes and things we both liked and we connected very well in terms of our sex drive.

 

Fast forward maybe 3 months after we moved in and it was just like a switch had gone off. I remember it had been nearly 1 whole month without having any sex. I was new to relationships and couldn't work out what had changed. I read a lot online that the honey moon period wears off. I never really wanted to come to terms with that and still refuse to accept that one day your sex drive can go from 100mph to zero. I talked to her and told her that I really enjoyed our sex life and didn't understand why she suddenly didn't want sex anymore. I was told that "You've been spoilt and now you expect it all the time" I just basically told her that It had been a month and i was worried it was something to do with me? I was worried about the relationship and said to her "With the current rate of sex, I'm going to be lucky to have sex 12 times a year" I love her, I've made a lot of changes to my life and I know she's done the same. We've both changed our work commitments, we've changed lots of stuff for each other. Things started to pick up slowly after I talked to her, we put it down to a mixture of new BC pills and her missing her family / friends. I totally understood all these factors.

 

Fast forwards 12 months, She's now started working nights in her new job and has told me she's got her own anxiety problems. She's told me that she had terrible fears of death at night and sometimes can't sleep. Her doctor has given her medication which has helped the problem. The issue is she's constantly tired now, sleepy and moody. When I wake up in the morning I'm like most men, I'm usually hard. She seems to get annoyed by this and tells me it's the worst way in the world to be woken up. Morning sex is basically off the cards...it has been now for a long time. We haven't had morning sex since we moved in nearly 18 months ago. I woke her up the other morning by rubbing her legs.. nothing sexual but gently rubbing her leg, anyway when she woke up she pushed my hands off.. told me to f*ck off and leave her alone. I was pretty upset about this reaction seeing as we hadn't had a weekend in bed together for a while with her work shifts.

 

I confronted her about it when she was awake and she said, I'm constantly putting my hands in her pants and playing with her bum in the morning and it's annoying? Girls... is it really that annoying having your partner play with your bum cheeks? She also told me that I can't expect sex because her medication is making her tired and has altered her moods. I want her to put this fear of death to one side and move on with her life but I'm 27 she's 25 now we don't have kids, we don't really have a stressful life like a lot of couples our age. I miss the things which I fell in love with. I love her loads, she knows I've always been there for her when she's needed any help. I've always supported her decisions even when I've not always agreed. I sometimes feel that I'm not always shown the same level of respect? I would never shout or swear at her, we've been together for over 2 years we've had no real arguments. (Nothing bad) We've had a few little moods but mostly petty things.

 

I guess what I'm looking for is how can I get things back to how they were? I'm not looking to make her a nymphomaniac but she's actually said to me "I don't enjoy giving BJ's... I don't like it" Well why did she for the first year? I feel like I've been tricked.

 

When we do have sex lately it's not really the kind that I enjoy. I like a bit of everything, not to roll on top and hump away. She has gotten a bit lazy in the bed room. I'm basically always on top. She refuses to let me have sex with her sometimes in any other position? complains about it hurting her stomach? I never know if it's just an excuse not to do it or a genuine reason. Since sex has become a rare occasion. I basically at least want good sex. I never / rarely get blow jobs. Sometimes less than 1 time a month now? But only when my gf is in the right mood?

 

I've tried everything in terms of keeping things fresh in the bed room. I've bought sex toys, outfits, etc none of this has had any impact apart from on my wallet. Last weekend she said to me. "How does this sound tonight, we go to the cinema, come back and I'll dress up in something sexy for you and give you a massage" ... Sounds great.... movie was good, now in my mind I was thinking "Can't wait to get home and get to bed" But before we could drive home she said "I've got a bit of stomach ache tonight.. I don't really fancy dressing up".... I Just said, "Oh, If your not feeling well I dont expect you to dress up and massage me" ? Coincidence? It was almost like we had done all the things that she wanted to do and now I wasn't getting anything I wanted.

 

I sometimes do think I look at it from a typical mans point of view but girls if you promise your man sex or any kind of sex and at the very last minute say you dont feel well. It's a massive kick in the nuts! She said to me the other week that she misses the way we used to have sex which was pretty intense at times. I miss that too, but that level of sex came after a lot of practice. I feel like I'm no longer any good at sex, I don't seem to be able to last as long and my stamina has slowed down as a consequence of having so little.

 

Other aspects of our relationship are fine, we still have romantic nights together, we spend time together and have holidays together (sexless) ... I must say, when we went on holiday I was expecting SOME Sex? Hot country, loads of nice drinks and meals out. What possible excuse could she have for not giving me any sex? Wait guys... she said " I didn't feel comfortable in the room we stayed in, It felt like someone was watching us? Great.

 

I'm sorry to type this much and appreciate any input. I'm under no illusion that I'm the perfect partner but I want us to have a healthy sex life. We spoke a bit tonight about it all and she said to me that I'm expecting too much too soon? She's just started working nights, she's on a new pill and on medication for her own problems. I'm simply adding to her problems by expecting sex. I also don't like looking at sex as if its a chore for either of us but before the night s, the new pill etc, our sex life had slowed down. It hadn't stopped but it was getting that way.

 

The worrying thing is she often says "When are you planning on asking me to marry you?" to which I reply with one her her favourite lines "The more you ask me for sex the less likely it is to happen".... Oh the irony lol

 

Thanks guys.

 

Sorry if I've made countless errors with the typing. I've not proof read any of this. *Sorry*

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Well whatever you do, don't put a ring on it in the hopes of having a better sex life. Marriage isn't a band aid for problems though some people think it is.

You cant expect sex to always be kinky. That's really unrealistic and you are lucky that she was ever into dressing up and sharing fantasies cos I know some women who would never indulge that. You say you rarely get a blowjob... how often do you give her oral?

 

I think it's likely her medication. That kind of medication can affect libido. Suggest giving her a massage and make it clear you don't want sex after, you just want to give her a massage. Also don't expect her to give you one in return. Try spoiling her a couple of times without expecting her to reciprocate. Obviously don't do that for too long or the relationship will be very one sided but maybe she just needs to feel appreciated? Do you do your fair share of chores around the house? I know that not doing your part around the house can cause a lot of resentment in relationships and have a knock on effect on sex life.

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Thanks for the reply, louisecar.

 

I've told my partner I don't like that position of me being on top. She has long hair and often pushes my face down next to the pillow so I'm breathing a mixture of hair and pillow in....It's a horrible position for me. Even though I've expressed to her I don't like this position she still insists on me doing it. Like a predictable male, I do it because I think "It's better than nothing"

 

She used to enjoy dressing up and we had really great sex when she dressed up and got "into" it a bit more. It's my gf that refuses to dress up, yet she wants "that kind of sex" ? (I can't get into sex with someone in pajamas they are not a turn on) I've offered to get her some sexy bed time clothes but she prefers these comfortable things. (They are a huge turn off)

 

How Often do I give her oral? Not Often anymore since her sex drive fell through the floor. I try all the time. I even ask If I can and she always says no. She has said to me in the past right from the start that oral isn't a huge thing for her. She's always cum and had really good orgasms so I can't understand how she can say she doesn't enjoy it. I can assure you she does.

 

I think the medication has become the main factor she's not got a regular sleeping pattern on it. She's sometimes wide awake at 4am. I'm hoping once the medication has settled down things will pick up again.

 

Believe it or not, I love giving her massages. I normally light a few candles in the bed room put on some of our "chillout" music and give her a rub from head to toe. Last time I did that for her all she did was complain about how bad it was. She waited maybe 30 minutes to complain, then turned over after I was done. It was the exact same technique as I've always used on her and she's never once complained in the past. I think she did it just to "kill the mood" and It worked. I never expect things in return when ever I do anything for her. I like to treat her while I'm shopping I'll usually pick her up some nice wine or some food she likes. I don't do it to get anything but after a long spell of feeling like I give a lot I guess I've slowed down on that front.

 

I do a lot around the house. I'm very house proud I take a lot of care with cleaning. I often find I clean things that she says that are already cleaned. (I do a much better job) at cleaning. I've recently started a new business so I've become extra busy and I don't get much free time so I offered to get a cleaner to come in to take care of the apartment so when it's weekend we don't need to worry about cleaning and washing we can spend more time together but she insisted we don't need one and made up an excuse about not wanting someone in the house while we are not her. I've no problem with it but it makes her uncomfortable the idea of someone in the house alone.

 

I have to hold my hands up though I'm not a great cook. Most nights she usually cooks for me. I do the washing up. She's worked around food so her standards are much higher than what I can cook. I've offered to cook but I always get told "I'd rather not die tonight thanks" I have offered to take cooking lessons. But now she works nights, the cooking has been cut down to maybe 4 nights a week and at weekends I tend to take her out for dinner or we go to my parents for a meal. I also buy most of the food so I think I'm pretty fair in that respect.

 

Thanks for reply, it's given me a lot to think about. I'm not under any illusion that marriage would cure anything in the bedroom. I think our relationship is pretty strong in all other aspects but for me sex is a huge part of it. I want her to understand that it's not just something I like, it's really important that we can have a good sex life. I think if it continued long term it would ultimately cause some strain.

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She is a selfish partner. Often sex is a barometer of what's going on in a relationship. Meaning sex issues are the symptoms of discord in the relationships, not the root cause.

 

You do more for her than she does for you. Worst, she criticizes things you do for her benefit! Unless she does a complete 180, don't have kids with this woman. The nitpicking will only get worst and she'll belittle you in public like a child. The signs are already there.

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Well from what you've said you sound like a great boyfriend so I don't think it's anything you're doing/ not doing. It does seem like she is taking things out on you and I'm not sure why? All I can think is that it is her mood and maybe she should have the meds looked at again to make sure they are the right ones because she sounds very grumpy and overly-critical.

 

Of course sex is a really important part of a relationship and it has a knock-on affect on other parts of a relationship. If I'm honest I don't see you two going the distance really. I would have a talk with her and express how unhappy you are that there is a lack of intimacy between you. Tell her its not like you have to have full sex all the time but just touching each other more often would be nice. Also say things to make her feel amazing incase it is a confidence issue. Tell her you want her on top, or another position, because you want to be able to see her beautiful, sexy body... You get the gist.

 

It does seem like you are putting more into this relationship than her though and its up to you if you think she is really is worth it...

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Is it worth it to you?

 

It wouldn't be to me. I've never understood people who stay with partners who simply do not want them - sexually. That is what it comes down to. She's selfish about sex...and people who are selfish in bed, tend to be selfish in other ways too. I've been in a few long term relationships where we lived together; sex was never an issue. It's only an issue if there is an issue - and I think a lot of times it's that people aren't genuine from the start. Example: they play the game of that they are really into sex in the beginning, but once things are moving along, all of a sudden everything is an excuse not to enjoy it anymore. To me, that just spells "I wasn't all that into it to begin with".

 

Are you worried you won't be able to find someone who really wants you, body soul and all?! Because you come accross as a very giving partner.

 

Sure, you can try and work this out. But it takes two. So you could bring it all out in the open with her and lay it all out - maybe even suggest taking it to a professional setting. That's fair; given she is talking about marriage. And you are right to be hesitant and holding off on that with these issues looming.

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It sounds like you have been tricked. She used her body to get you. I think its a red flag if sex is great the first 6 months-usually means shes doing everything possible to wrap you round her little finger-kinda like a spider trying to catch a fly.. girls who sleep around usually do this and then once they think they have you-they put on the chastity belt and use sex as a weapon....

 

its not supposed to be perfect for you in the beginning. Shes not supposed to bend over backwards to please you. Thats the time where shes supposed to demand you learn her body and how it works, you take the time to figure her out and satisfy her.. then once youve done that its supposed to get better and better.. you lay the foundation from the beginning if you want a long term satisfying sex life..

 

it sounds like you two did the opposite

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Hi Itsallgrand,

 

I had a chat to her today about the problems and she was pretty honest to me and basically said that since this problem with the anxiety has kicked in it's become a strain on her and she's found it difficult to shake off these problems. She's having some help to deal with this fear of death, they call it Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) her first appointment is in about 7 weeks time.

 

The problem started about 10 years ago for her when her she asked her mother "What happens when you die?" Her mother isn't the smartest person in the world and basically replied with "Nothing, you rot in the ground". This one question and one stupid answer has caused her to have an irrational fear of death. My parents taught me about spiritual afterlife which has given me some hope. I don't spend time thinking about it now and accept it as a part of life. Sadly for her it's been a looming phobia and the feelings have been lurking in the background she said for a long time but lately she's noticed it's become a more vivid feeling and harder to ignore. She has identified it as causing problems in her life, with general motivation to pursue hobbies and interest and it's really started to take its toll on her.

 

She saw a Doctor several weeks ago and now she's booked in for her first meeting for the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in about 2 months time. She told me that she knows it's the root of her problems and everything has been a knock on effect of the phobia. She told me that she wants to get help in order to deal with the problem because she is aware that her moods have been hard to deal with and she knows I really don't deserve it. She told me tonight that the medication has also been causing her stomach ache and loss of appetite. I asked her if she think all this stuff is why she's not been in the mood and she said yeah, it's hard to think about sex and dressing up with this looming phobia. I really want her to get sorted out I find it hard to understand what exactly it is she is going through.

 

The Doctor asked if she has any hobbies and she doesn't really. Since moving up her she hasn't really met new female friends. She met a few new people at work but they seemed like really complicated girls and she never enjoyed their complicated lives so she gave up on them. I encourage her to meet new friends and I've introduced her to some of my other female friends who she sometimes goes out for dinner with. I think it's important that she can have her own friends and things again. We have lived together for nearly 18 months and I think in all that time she has been out with her own friends about 2 times. (That't been her choice, I encourage her to go out with friends but often she will phone me when she's with other people saying that she isnt having a good time and wants picking up) Her confidence seems to have gone a bit, I've noticed. She's a pretty girl most of my friends think she's very nice but lately I've noticed she's stopped putting make up on when we go out. She doesn't need loads but it sometimes takes the "edge" off your skin especially around the eyes when shes not had the best sleeps.

 

I want her to have her own hobbies, I did ask what things interest her and she told me that photography is something that she feels would be a nice hobby to take up because it gets you out the house. We live in the country so there are loads of nice landscapes and old historic things to photograph. I think I will buy her a few magazines and if she takes a bit of an interest I might get her something for christmas to start her hobby.

 

Am I being selfish expecting sex during these trying times for her? I feel a bit guilty now she has been honest and talked about the last few months she said the doctor on the phone asked her "How has the problem effected your relationship between 1-8?" to which she answered "7" We talked today for about 20 minutes before she went to work and she said that she really wants this new CBT to help deal with the issue because she knows our relationship has suffered as a knock on effect. I'm willing to support her through the treatments, I'm hoping that with the CBT and new hobbies / friends she might find a road to recovery without letting this cause any more disruptions to her life.

 

Have any of you heard this condition before? If so anyone have any tips on dealing with someone who's struggling with a fear of death.

 

The trouble is since I had my anxiety problems I found there were no answers in any of the medication and all the barriers were in my mind. I don't agree with the tablets for these kind of conditions. Currently my girl friend takes 2 pretty strong tablets which cause all kind of side effects. I really don't like her being on medication like that. I feel from my own experiences they can turn you into a bit of a zombie. I've noticed since she's been taking the tablets she seems really confused a lot of the time. I'm a bit worried about the medication. I know doctors know best but in the UK I know a lot of people who have been given medication for conditions and often the side effects out weigh the good.

 

 

I look back now and I can think of situations where the mood changed without any real reason. I can only think that it was due to her problem and she didn't want to tell me. Now we are talking about this fear and she is on the ladder to receiving some help after 10 years of it being on her mind she says she feels better knowing that I'm aware. I've told her to feel free to talk about how she feels and things that are on her mind. I just want her back how she was

 

Any further advice on maybe dealing with this condition anything I should do or anything to help would be great.

 

I've told her tonight that the cleaner is coming on a day that I work from home so she doesn't need to worry about them in the house I will be here to keep an eye on things. I think that will take a bit of pressure off with the chores so we can focus on more important issues and our time together is better spent.

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Personally, I think it is bs...but I do think the meds for it have turned off her.libido. And, the.amount of the you've been together (18 months) is somehow the time when suppressed triggers come into play. Who knows. Good that she.is getting help and sharing with you.

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I think its BS too. I suffer with anxiety, irrational fears, nightmares, panic attacks. I worry a lot about all sorts of things but it never turned me off sex. When im anxious, i want him even more then normal..

 

i think its shallow that you say her pjs are a turn off. it never turned my bf off me.. i love my pjs and he still wants me

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So you guys think she's made up this condition?

 

The medication she is on is Citaloram & Diazepam

 

Both list changes in sex drive as side effects? I honestly don't think she would make up a condition because she doesn't want to have sex. She doesn't want to do anything she's passionate about as as side effect of this condition. It's a lot more than just not wanting to please me.

 

@shelty24 Sorry if you think it sound shallow. I find it a turn off compared to say a sexy outfit / sexy underwear. I'm glad your bf doesn't mind handing you in your pjs.

 

I really don't think it's fair to say "this is bull?" I can assure you it's a real problem. She told me that the reason she changed to working nights is so she doesnt have to sit awake in bed. She's always had problems sleeping and often used to have panic attacks at night. I know she's not making it up. I wish she was!

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Sorry to be clear, at the start of the relationship she used to suffer with panic attacks which might happen maybe once every 2 months. After talking tonight she said that the fear of death started at the age of 12 and has been something thats on and off and she's never had direct treatment for that problem. The treatment has always been for panic attacks and anxiety. It's only now she's actually having treatment for the phobia. It's the phobia of death which triggers the anxiety, and the anxiety which triggered the panic attacks so they want to remove that tigger.

 

I need to also add that she works in a care home with old people who are often dying or suffer with illness. She's on the front line of dealing with people dying and this exposure to death / dying since working there has probably made her think about it much more.

 

I've spoken to her about changing her job but she enjoys all the other aspects of it and working with the people there. She's also seeing people who are dying who have no fear of death and when they talk to her they tell her about how they are ready to move on etc in a spiritual manner.

 

I also should add she wasn't bought up by religious parents so she's not really ever had any spiritual beliefs. True or false, I think having some beliefs is better than thinking you simply rot in the ground.

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Yeah, they've told her to take the meds until the first CBT session then they will start weaning off them. She's told me that they are helping her sleep now and thats the only reason she's happy to take them. They also take a few weeks to settle down in your system and she's not long started them so she thinks the stomach / tiredness / lack of appetite will fade away soon and things should get better. Please don't think she is some kind of crazy depressed girl, she really isn't she was singing in the shower when I got home, with a big smile on her face wanting to ask how my day is. She's a very happy person but she just says there is a "cloud" hanging over her and it's that which sometimes makes her distant from what is really going on. If it was an illness I could physically see, I don't think people on here would be so quick to call BS? I think the problem is you just can't see anything wrong with her. On the surface she's like anyone else her age.

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Am I being selfish expecting sex during these trying times for her? I feel a bit guilty now she has been honest and talked about the last few months she said the doctor on the phone asked her "How has the problem effected your relationship between 1-8?" to which she answered "7"

 

Yes.

 

She is taking a tons of medications. The side effects wrecking havoc on her body and hormones. You're expecting her to be a healthy partner and she isn't, so expecting a normal sex life right now isn't reasonable.

 

If you stay, accept her limitations. It may be years before her hormones level out. That may mean years of sporadic sex. Badgering and/or pressuring her for more sex won't change anything, and it's not fair to her.

 

If you can't do that, then let her go.

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